I just feel so angry.

[Pebbledashery]

Hi all.
You've seen me post several times about my very violent ex and we're engaged in Court proceedings.
We have had supervised contact commence in a contact centre where I've been court ordered to pay half of the cost when my ex earns triple what I do, does not pay maintenance towards his daughter and the fact i support 100% of our daughters financial costs. That's anger number 1.
Anger number 2 is leading up to the first contact session.. I've been mentioning him at home to DD and telling her she will see him soon because I didn't want her to arrive at the contact centre unaware of where she's going and who she's seeing.. In my mind.. This isn't fair to her.. Despite the fact it makes me physically sick to show her photos of him or mention him in our house.. The house that is now our home, that took everything I had to get, that she's safe in and isn't tainted with abuse. Anger number 3 is we arrive at the contact centre, contact centre staff were lovely people.. Cannot fault them.. However DD is beside herself.. The most distressed I have ever seen her as she didn't want me to leave. I did my very best to pacify the situation and mentioned that her father was looking forward to seeing her and she will have a nice time.. I said to the contact centre supervisor that she will likely be fine once she sees him because I've been talking about him at home etc.. DD literally clung onto me and cried so hard.. I started crying too as it all got too much.. In the end I had to walk out because I felt my presence would just exacerbate the distress more.. I told her that it's exactly like nursery and mummy will always always come back.
After the contact session.. The contact supervisor handed over to me and DD had a nice time.. Two things she mentioned have angered me so so so much.
She said father was crying when DD was crying as he heard her. I just thought to myself.. Were you crying when you physically and abusive your defenceless daughter.. And violently abusing her mother in front of her? You shed no tears then.
I'm angry because he quite gleefully expressed how DD immediately stopped crying as soon as she saw him..
This isn't because of him and his presence... This is because I have maintained his relationship with her.. Against everything.. The abuse, the mental cruelty, the coercion.. I've stamped on how I've felt internally and put DD first, despite the fact promoting his relationship with her makes me physically sick.
He also cried profusely in the contact session and professed to how much he missed DD and loved her.. Pity you didn't feel that way when she lived under your roof.
I honestly don't know how long term I will be able to promote his relationship with her and forget what he did to us. I don't need closure, or counselling or any kind of placating.. I'm just so angry that he's playing the Oscar winning actress.

I'm sorry you're going through this. The system truly is broken and against survivors if he is still managing to manipulate it all.

I hope there are some professional organisations that can help you. I think the anger is good it's coming out. Part of the process. Are you having councelling?

It's a long game but when your daughter grows you will have such a bond with her and she will know the truth.

Doesn't help you much now but you're her constant, you're her provider. You got away from him, that is the best thing you have ever done for her. She wont know that now but she will. She will.

Thank you. I've got support here and I'm doing OK. I was just so angry by how he suddenly put the water works on at that precise moment. Even now through court proceedings he's trying to control everything. Just dont know how our daughter can have a safe childhood when I'm terrified of him and he cannot find out where we live. My solicitor actually said the abuse and control has been so horrific it warrants removal of parental responsibility.. But it's like a 0.1% chance of that happening.

I love her so much. She's such a kind, gentle and intelligent little girl whose so loving and warm. How she was during her contact with him is testament to me because I've raised her on my own since day 1.x

@whydoyouhateclocks that is a truly horrible thing to say. If you read any one of the many previous threads from this OP you will see she has been through hell to protect her child. If you think breaking a court order is the thing to do then your advice is truly not needed here.

I feel for you so much. I can understand your heartbreak. I would try everything in my power to put a stop to the contact which is clearly distressing your daughter. I don’t advise to breach the existing order - you are right that there will be repercussions if you do. Any chance to contact your victim support officer or Women’s Aid to advise you what to do? What does your solicitor suggest?

The important thing is your daughter is safe.

Even though it's insane and disgusting that the court have even ordered supervised contact in these circumstances, is it safe to say that supervised contact is all he will ever have? Is that what the order says, did they put a time limit on it?

Keep trying to get the court order appealed and amended to get all contact removed. Keep the pressure up. I'm sure that's the last thing you feel like doing but don't take no for an answer. Any fool can see there is zero benefit and lots of potential harm to your daughter in maintaining a relationship with an abusive nutjob. Narcissistic tears are what they cry, all for show, unfortunately many outsiders will be taken in by him (at first).

Any chance you could get a second and third legal opinion?

So sorry to hear this op. The courts know what kind of a person he is but still let him have contact?

This is the interim contact before we go to a fact finding and a section 7 is ordered later this year. This isn't the final contact that's been ordered. It started off as in the community but became very unsafe so we went back to the court for a variation of the previous order and the judge ordered fortnightly contact centre.. The cafcass officer was at our hearing and was firmly saying no contact in the interim but the judge ordered it on the basis that DD had already had contact with him in the community.. Contact centre is to safeguard us both. I've spoken at length to the contact centre though and they said their job is just to ensure we're both safeguarded and that DD has safe contact with him.. They don't make any kind of recommendation to progression of contact. So he's got a long way yet. My solicitor said ordinarily he would be asked to do a dv perpetrators program but he's too violent for that.. I just don't know how it's going to end up.

Keep careful records of all your daughter's behaviours before and after the contact.

Sorry, not sure I read that correctly ... your sol said the father is too violent for a DV perpetrator's programme? And they're allowing contact?!!

Why is your sol not urgently applying to the court for a review of this very dangerous decision?

I tried to appeal the first order but it got rejected.. This order that's been made is on the grounds of a high court judge being bought in to stand in for the original judge we had.. He's made this order on the basis there had already been some contact but he repeatedly said he couldn't ignore what cafcass was saying and that he will put in his judgement that cafcass have very, very serious concerns.. Its listed in the court order that domestic abuse has been cited and will likely contribute to the final outcome. I think my only hope is the fact finding and the section 7.

@pog100 thank you 😘