Relative with 2 surnames

[UnquietDad]

Not a huge problem, but a niggling one I mentioned a while back and have been meaning to raise again, because it's still bothering me.

Brother and his wife are divorced - it happened when their daughter was about 4.

My niece, who has turned out to be an astonishingly normal teenager bearing in mind the mother she had, sports two surnames. There's the official one on her birth certificate - my brother's name, our family name - and the one she uses in life, her mother's. Use of the family name started to be edged out when she was about 7, obviously under her mother's influence as she'd have been too young to take the decision herself. These days she is very diplomatic - both names start with the same letter and she will often just use her first name and initial. (Which is very cool-sounding, especially as she seems to want to go into the music business in some form!)

As I understand it there is no way her name can be officially changed without it being sanctioned by both parents - is this true? Because I don't think my brother would ever consent to having it changed - it would be seen as a final concession to his cow of a wife who has already made things difficult for him in more ways than you can imagine. Maybe he would if his daughter really wanted it, but I'm not sure. And will it cause problems for her in later life, having one name which she "goes by" and another which is the one on her birth certificate (when she comes to apply for jobs, etc.)?

I think you have perhaps got to the heart of my concern, sleepycat. I wouldn't be bothered if she had chosen the mother's name herself, but it's the fact that it was deliberately done by the mother (and her parents) to "get one over" on our side of the family that really sticks in my throat.

I have had 4 names and I am only 35!

How do you know it was deliberately done by her mother to get one over on you? You said you haven't heard from her in ten years!

Maybe it just stopped alot of the questions you tend to get if a mother and daughter have different names?

Maybe she doesn't spend as much time as you think trying to get back at her ex husband - bearing in mind they divorced years ago!

And yes she could have been a nightmare to be married to, but it really doens't matter any more. And it certainly has no bearing on what your niece wants to be called.

Ask your niece which she prefers to be called, respect her wishes and then drop it.

I have read this with interest. UQD if you feel she has deliberately done this to 'get oneover on you' then by making an issue out of it hasn't she won?

You say your neice is sensible and well adjusted, and i noticed that you do not want to tlak about the whole issue, but can you just ask her simply what she wants you to use, whilst affirming that whatever she says she is still part of you and her Dad's family and you love her very much.

This uncertainty must be tearing her apart and you can help her by taking the lead and being bigger than all this pettiness. I know it may be hard, but the one who matters in all this is your necie - she had no say in it either, but as you say, to force her to make a choice could end up in her alienating someone.

Once she is old enough and no longer dependanet on her mother she will rememebr all this and will be able to make her own choice, even if it is as simple as once she marries whetehr she cahnges her name, links it to one of hers, or uses it for a middle name for her dc.

FWIW my mother used my dad's name as did we dcs but I hated him - he refused to be part of our lives, disowned me on several occasions and never paid a penny - and was determined not to use his name longer than ncessary. Once I was married and had dc's they have my motehr's maiden name as an extra name to keep it in the family.

It is the relationship you and your family have with her now that is important - she will make her choices later based on that.

Some days I am more bothered about this than others. I think I just posted on a day when I ws giving it more thought than usual, perhaps because DN has become a facebook "friend" under that surname and I worry that I am "endorsing" it by using it. But I know it's the relationships that are more important.

Has anyone read "Dad's Life" by Dave Hill? I'm reminded of the scene in which the mother changes the kids' school peg labels to the surname of her new partner, without consulting the dad.

I've not read every single reply but I feel you have to let it go. She is in an impossible situation and to raise this issue with her in any way will force her to "pick sides" which really isn't fair on her. It's only a name, it appears on her birth certificate so will always be there and chances are, if she marries, she'll change it again anyway.

Hi there UQD - I understand why you feel sad that your neice seems not to have chosen your family name but tbh if she is 16 then her name is whatever she wants it to be, not what you (and your family) or you ex-sil say it is.

As a child of acrimonously divorced parents I feel really sorry for her, she has probably spent much of her childhood mediating between her mum and dad. Tempting as it is I wouldn't mention the name change issue to her and let her enjoy a family relationship in which she doesn't feel she has to walk on eggshells and can behave normally.

She must have a pretty high opinion of you to let you be a facebook friend - lots of kids are pretty secretive at this age!

I think you have to ask her and go with her answer. She might feel weird about only being called that name by a few people. Or she might like it and see it as a link to her dad's family. Either way, she sounds sensible and it sounds like you have a good relationship. I would ask and accept her (near) adult decision about her own name.

I didn't realise the facebook thing was such a big deal. Now I think about it I can see that it probably is!

UQD - just wanted to add, no 'anti-men' sentiment from me at all. Hope you didn't think so!

You sound very upset about this though - just try to focus on the very positive aspects of the relationship that you have with her and let all the bitterness about your SIL and her family go - it isn't doing you much good.