Boyfriend has little patience

[sseabbreeze]

Been with my boyfriend 2 years but since first lockdown he's pretty much moved in
Not officially but he's here all the time since last lockdown was announced as didn't want to go between houses

I have a strange feeling I can't get rid of
Some of the things he does is really getting to me
I don't think he's changed I think it's always been there but as he's here all the time I've really noticed it

He has no patience and I have a lo and a couple Of times he's said things to him and I've had to pull him up on it

Like huffing and puffing at him or me if we've done something wrong like stepped on a phone charger wire that we didn't see

I feel like everything is good apart from when he is tired he gets very snappy it's making me feel like I'm walking on eggshells

It may sound petty but rolling eyes hugging and puffing is almost draining me now I've noticed he does it so much

He has bad road rage and every time it's the other drivers in the wrong

He seems to tell me about an argument he's had with someone at least every day
He works in construction and says ' this fucking idiot at work today spoke to me like a piece of shit' but in thinking i don't think he's being very nice ?!

My son tripped over something in the hallway and hurt his foot so I said ohh are you ok? Boyfriend says ' how can you not see that ' just stuff like that like negative stuff
Some school stuff saying ' you should know this by now ' etc

When he is in the wrong he can't seem to apologise! It's so frustrating

I've just started to notice it and I don't know what to do

Glad you see him for what He is OP... 🌺

Oh op I really feel for you..I'm the adult who's childhood was exactly this and I've spent years in counselling trying to overcome the negitive consequences of it.

A child surrounded by this behaviour becomes anxious it tears away at their confidence and the little critisms makes them feel like they're not good enough. And unfortunately they can potentially find partners who repeat this behaviour in their adult relationship because they learn that this is acceptable and its familiar to them.

Please take your child out of this environment before it impacts them.

Huge waving Red Flag I'm afraid.

He will never change, and very soon, nothing you and your DC do will be good enough.

Simply your description of feeling ''like you're walking on eggshells'' and that he's always right gives me the chills.........................

You and your DC deserve someone soooo much better !

Get him out and dump him asap !

@2ndtimemum2 oh sorry to hear that
I would hate for that to be my lo

I know he isn't very kind sometimes and it does have to be over for good

He's had a hard childhood with his dad leaving but his mum then wrapped him in cotton wool which hasn't helped him at all

Bored of trying to support and build him up
He's a grown man and should have got help which at times he had but it hasn't worked!!

X

@updownroundandround it's comforting in a way to know it's not all In my head and nice to have words of advice from everyone

Honestly that's him all over and I've just put up with it, and feel stupid I have

But I'm definitely getting my ducks in a row this week and not letting him talk me round if it comes to it x

I would agree with previous posters too. These were early signs with my ex that should of been a massive red flag for me. He seemed to have an argument a day with some poor random person, eye rolling frequently, huffing and puffing over little things, demeaning negative comments and awful road rage.

I initially put it down to the stress of his job so was letting it go I guess. Also much like your partner, his Dad walked out when he was younger and his Mother wrapped him up in cotton wool. If he wanted anything he got it even in his thirties. Sadly this led to him being a very self entitled angry man child who couldn’t apologise, expected people to meet his demands and everyone else was in the wrong. He actually got worse the longer he lived with me as he became more comfortable and his mask slipped entirely. I broke up with him finally after listening to him shouting and swearing at his mum one day over the phone. I realised if he could do that to her, he would do that to me.

I’m glad you’ve posted so soon for advice about this and can see the situation with a bit more clarity. Don’t let him get his feet any further under your table.

Please please please stick to your guns and cut him loose entirely, you can't have this man round your child. He's an adult.

quite serious anger issues.

You can’t have him around your son like this. So the options are

• get shot of him
• tell him to move out and reduce him to part time boyfriend but not a key part of your life
• sit him down - tell him he has anger issues, he needs to pack it in and take a course on anger management. He’s on notice etc.

AM courses are NO answer to domestic violence which is also what this is. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightfully call him out on his behaviour.

Get a plan put in place asap to leave this individual. He is certainly no decent example of a man to be showing your child either. He reminds me very much of the "Loser" that Dr Joe Carver writes about:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Rebuild your lives without this man and in and raise your relationship bar a lot higher before you start dating again. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this could help you no end going forward as well.

I imagine your house, the atmosphere and your son will be much happier without him. You’ve dodged a bullet there OP.

@MellowMelly oh wow he sounds exactly like my boyfriend!!! It's horrible isn't it.

I've also seen him talk to his mum horribly, cutting her short and being impatient with her and I now think if he can do it to his own mum he can do it to us!

Sorry you went through that, it's hard when you feel like you can't see the wood for the trees

I can relate very much and you just ignore it for some reason maybe because other factors are really good

Also I put his moods down to his work situation too but as I say since lockdown I know plenty of others who have it worse!

It's scary how similar my now ex sounds to yours
X

@partyatthepalace see this is what I'm thinking talk to him and by now means let him stay here but seek counselling maybe even together because what's the point of him going alone and being in denial ? He won't be honest and say he is the bully and can't be in the right or will they see through him?

But since reading other advice I'm not sure I want to embark on a counselling journey just because of his anger issues

When I can re start and rebuild my life ?

So that was my initial thought but now I'm thinking counselling won't work for us

But it does make me want some for myself

Relationships growing up that's a tricky one I always tend to glass over and have never ever typed it out so here goes as I'm having a reevaluation here.....- I had a mum and dad growing up and a sister 7 yrs older
my mum was miserable with my dad
My dad was a work a holic but neglected my mum
We had family holidays and had a good life style
New cars every 3 yrs, nice house etc
My memories were spending lots time with my mum waiting for my dad to come home after promising he would be home for dinner but he would be at the pub and my mum always being so sad that he didn't even come home some nights ....
My mum would take me shopping / cinema and be driving home mum preying that his car wouldn't be on the drive sometimes because she felt so miserable with him
She didn't leave him because she said he wasn't violent, he provided and she thought I needed a father
However she left him 6-7 times between the ages of 13-17 where he would promise to change
We left, he begged her back, he never changed
She eventually left him at when I was 17 as she thought I was old enough by then
What it did was upset me that she couldn't leave when she wanted to and she stayed for me when in fact that 13-17 yrs showed me that's what relationships are like

I thought that I wouldn't want that and would want a secure loving relationship for me and for my lo

I definitely don't have that here do I x

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for the link I'll have a looksey x

@sseabbreeze your post made me comment as I saw some similarities that I could so easily relate too. When they have such a short patience threshold anything small is a massive situation for them that tips them over the edge.

It’s just not worth it and if he is being like that with his own Mum, like you said, then I can guarantee you would of been on the receiving end of it too in time and to a worser extent.

I see you’ve now referred to him as your ex so you’ve obviously made some decisions today. Don’t let him back! I made that mistake initially and he was good for a while and then he was actually worse than before!

But you said he hasn't officially moved in, therefore it should be easier to get him to leave, say something like,,, well you don't officially live here, it's been a few months and I need space for me and DC. He can go back to his mums. Doesn't he have his own place?

He sounds awful - people like this get worse over time, generally, as they stop trying to bother to rein it in.

Yes I've finished it and he said he wants to come get some stuff I had forgot as left bag out the front so I said I'd leave it out for him
Just being polite and not getting into conversation

No not officially but still felt awkward as he's here pretty much all the time x

Do not ever undertake any form of joint counselling with him. Its not ever recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Even if he did go to a session (unlikely given he probably thinks he is not treating you at all badly) you should not go with him and besides which no decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you together being counselled if they knew about the abuse.

Remember too that abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control.

Counselling for yourself on your own is however an excellent idea and one I would encourage. You learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when you were growing up. Do not repeat the mistakes that she herself made.

Well done OP - it'll be great to be able to relax in your own place again

Well done 🌺

I think given your updates you are absolutely right to finish it up.

Congratulations, and hope you can relax!

Red flags everywhere. My ex was constantly talking about all the other people he worked with, and how they were morons. Oddly enough though it was him who was made redundant when the company downsized.

The lack of patience with your DS would be enough for me to reconsider living with him.

I take it he is perfect is he? And thats why everyone else is just so frustrating to him?

It's the constant arguments with other people that gets me.
My mum said he likes to think he is superior and she's right - when she met him she really didn't like him.
No patience is just a horrible trait to have especially with children isn't it

I hope he just leaves me alone now x

I'm just imagining your little boys face when he said can you not see that. Get rid op.

@MaLarkinn I know I know

I have xxx