Ok this will be really long and it might be what you call ‘triggering’ but I just really want some anonymous perspectives on this please if you could let me know what you think?? This happened about 3 years ago now. It’s such a long time I don’t know why I’m even thinking about it now.
Met a guy on tinder - there was a language barrier so chat was nice but sometimes a bit stilted, he was attractive and complimentary and had an interesting job. I met with him one evening we had a nice meal, went back to his, OK we had sex it was average and the next morning I made my excuses and he dropped me home, nothing bad he was just very keen for a morning blowjob and I really didn’t want to do it, he did the hand in the hair, pushing head down etc, he even got some flavored stuff out and said use this it won’t be so bad etc. Ended up doing this weird handjob type thing which was super awkward, he didn’t reciprocate and I felt a bit weird about it - I was almost annoyed at myself as I really wanted a relationship with someone - anyone - to work out and I thought I needed to get over my own sex hang ups and just be more open minded and cool about things, I’d hear about friends doing crazy stuff and having amazing sex in restaurant bathrooms and cars and at work and I’d think I can’t even bring myself to give a guy a blowjob?
Anyway I went on to a second date a week later, we had drinks at his and I was pretty much smashed before we even went out. More wine with a meal, and a taxi back to his, I vaguely remember him stopping at a late night shop for even more wine - he poured me the biggest glass ever back at his and I sipped it and could feel the vomit rising like, no way can I drink this - then he took my jeans off on the sofa and got into the bedroom, don’t remember how, he might have carried me, I was intoxicated at this point , I admit I remember feeling a bit excited as I was drunk, not had a relationship for years and not a casual sex type of person so I kind of saw myself from above you know this fun girl who sleeps with hot foreign men in their apartment and drinks red wine. Anyway we lie down and the room is spinning and I feel really sick, he is pants off, putting on a condom and I just think it will probably be over really soon anyway so no point saying anything now. Anyway I think I was in and out of consciousness at this point as it was like waves of nausea, it was pitch black in there and I felt the condom coming off, he swore and put it back on and it just all felt like such a chore or something I just had to endure, no pleasure at all, he eventually just loses the condom as I can feel it just laying there and then he , or I don’t know if it was, penetrated me anally, it was really painful and he did apologize but every three or four thrusts he did it again and it wasn’t like a prod - it was like almost all the way in - and then he carried on until he finished. I fell asleep before he finished, I think, and woke up about an hour later absolutely spinning and with the driest mouth in the world thought no fuck this and got up and dressed (absolutely zero underwear no idea where it was), he doesn’t even wake up or pretends not to I don’t know. I got an Uber which came in like five minutes and got downstairs of the building in the lifts somehow, must have looked an absolute state - I know I was fucked up because I religiously remove my makeup with expensive makeup remover which I spend a fortune on, even after wild nights out with friends and when camping or staying over at random places my face gets washed at least, and I had a full face of makeup smeared everywhere. Anyway I got in the taxi and threw up violently out of the window, it was about 4 miles home and when I got there I again vommed violently but managed to wash my face and get some sleep. Woke up several hours later and was sick again about four times, I do get really bad hangovers so it’s not that unusual for me in those days to react like that, but I was also sort of aching and there was some bleeding when I went for a wee for a few hours - I also realized my ‘back passage’ was hurting, sort of a bruised feeling which was mortifying but again I didn’t really think that it was that bad, I was annoyed he had done that but thought maybe it’s really hard for guys to ‘get the right hole’ when they are in the midst of quite forceful sex? I know now that actually it’s not that easy to accidentally penetrate there, I must’ve been very malleable because I was so drunk and out of it, as now if I was having good sex with my partner he’d realize straight away he was heading that way and say sorry and we would probably laugh about it.
I didn’t hear from the guy until about 1pm, he didn’t ring repeatedly wondering if I’d been abducted by aliens or anything, like you might if someone literally disappeared from your bed whilst you slept at 3am, it was a ‘oh did you leave’ type message and I said something like ‘haha yeah I was so drunk’ and that was that. A bit more messaging superficially for a day or so. I was in two minds whether to say something about how bad the sex was, when tumble weed, nothing from him for weeks, before he sent a ‘sorry I haven’t been in touch I don’t think we will work as a couple’ message which I ignored. I wasn’t arsed at that point, but some part of me did think if I’d been cooler, less drunk, less of a mess, willing to do the kinky shit I’m sure he was into, then things would have been better ? I was annoyed with myself almost that I’d let this stupid situation happen?
The other thing that really bothered me was the fact that as someone who has been paranoid about accidentally getting pregnant since I learnt about how babies are made in a terrifying sexual Ed class in primary, I was freaking out about the fact that the condom left the situation half way through, I never thought about STDs it never really occurred to me, but I was paranoid to the point of doing a test three weeks later, and I wasn’t fully relieved until I got my actual period.
Anyway I just think about this a lot at the moment , it was horrible and I hated it and the days that followed but it wasn’t like assault in tv shows where the assailant is violent and the girl is crying with a bloody lip and some stranger finds her, a kind doctor takes care of her and she begins an inspiring path to healing, or whatever he fuck happens, it was just a nothing situation, no one noticed anything and I just moved on so I think why bother about this now? He probably hasn’t even considered it since so why am I here so much time later considering things and wondering why it bothers me? I have good friends who have been through worse - one was in a relationship which was abusive and one was assaulted in a more obvious way so I have never felt comfortable talking about it with them as I almost feel like I’m trying to ‘prove’ I was assaulted even though it wasn’t as bad as theirs, and I as a person am quite emotionless when I speak, for example I rarely get visibly upset even at funerals and stuff and have a reputation for being a bit of an ice queen emotionally so I think I’d just feel like a robot just saying lines and they would be baffled.
Thanks if you’ve got this far, I’ve never actually written it down or said it out loud especially not in chronological order so it’s a bit of a jumble. I just think it’s not rape, I see it as like as assault which I consented to through my actions? And the long and short of it is that we all have had terrible sex before, this is just something to learn from? I wonder sometimes why I even give it head space.