I have written before about my struggles with my abusive uber woke brother. To recap, He is a greenie who really walks the talk – a Vegan, cyclist, refuses to fly, a devoted father, son and boyfriend. The trouble is, he’s very abusive.
Many years ago a family narrative had been created in which I was a light weight - I’d had a bit of success in the media in the 90’s from my chosen career (modelling/media/creative) which I’d really enjoyed – and he was the sincere, saintly sibling and always scathing of my moderate success in such a shallow (in his view) milieu.
He married a woman who seemed to like me until I achieved some moderate success and thereafter similarly became scathing about my work and began organising family events excluding me. By this time, they had had a daughter (I was single and childless) and my mother, aware that SIL was tricky, went along with the excluding as she was terrified scary SIL would stop her seeing her granddaughter. Since then, I have never had Christmas with my family as brother and SIL always excluded me from the festivities.
Because of low self-esteem I always went along with all this as I felt my brother was a higher being – he extremely intelligent and sincere about his beliefs – and accepted his scathing put downs as my due.
He said he had a problem’ with me working for a certain network, which I thought was fine coming from him, a middle aged man who has never earned a penny in his life, a Vegan who lives off a family trust fund which comes from the meat business. He once called me up to say my first novel was shite’ and was so abusive I came down with bronchitis with the horror of it.
But things came to a head 6 years ago. I’d been in a physically, verbally and financially abusive relationship for 10 years which I felt unable to leave (having no family or RL support). One night, the abuse became so much that I took an overdose of sleeping pills and plunged into the sea to drown. I was pulled out sometime later that night unconscious and survived.
I called my brother when I came round as I literally had no one else to call. He seemed sympathetic but I didn’t hear from him for 2 months. Then he called to ask if he could borrow 50k. The next time I saw him was with my father. At this meeting he started discussing my father’s travel arrangements to my niece’s 21st – he didn’t invite me. Because I was so depressed this cut me to the bone.
Realising my brother was a bit of a shit, despite his saintly demeanour, I went low contact for a few years and felt much better for it. While respecting his principles in how he lives his life, I felt I’d been duped by him. He’d once admitted that he suffered from sibling rivalry (whereas he was my late mother’s favourite he has a very difficult relationship with my father who prefers me a bit). He once admitted that when my father gives his daughter attention he feels envious.
During the years of low contact he would send me lovely birthday cards saying that he `missed me’ and how he hoped for a rapprochement. He had divorced his wife and now had a very nice girlfriend. She got in touch and we shared messages on FB – after the abusive SIL this was music to my ears. Perhaps at last I might have a family.
I decided to give my brother another chance. I thought he had changed. As he had suggested meeting up I made a few suggestions which he batted off.
In June I met up with my elderly father – while I may be the favourite he isn’t easy these days. He was drinking a lot and said something very mean to me, which came as a shock as while I knew he had that side to him, I hadn’t seen it directed at me. I called my brother up the next day to commiserate – unfortunately I know my father is like that with him. Over the years, I’ve always tried to protect my brother’s views and lifestyle to my uber capitalist father – having a Vegan meal with him when we all met for a meal so he wouldn’t feel the odd one out, for example. We had a nice chat about it.
But a few weeks later, my brother said he’d been with my father and a friend and they’d all agreed that I’d overreacted to my father’s comment. My brother said he thought it best not to say anything. Later I thought, again he is throwing me down the swanny in order to preserve his own relationship with my father and make him look good – if that had been me I’d have said, well, maybe she has a point and had a discussion.
Fast forward, years later. I’m doing well, much happier for being low contact with brother. However, we inherited 19 acres of land 10 years ago, which he persuaded me (before our relationship broke down) to let an environmental group use 2 acres of to turn into a community garden. We became friendly with the group and mutually decided not to have a tenancy agreement. At first it worked well but in recent years, the group we knew have left and another group have taken over. They have erected draconian fencing without our consent, installed huge gates and constantly change the code, not bothering to tell us. The thoughtlessness is galling and as an environmentalist, I am concerned about the implication of fencing for wildlife.
And then the leader of the group, who I’ve never met and who has never contacted us before, suddenly emails us both asking if we will agree to a 7 year land tenancy for the entire 19 acres. Apparently the Council will give them a grant to build a structure on the land for meetings and educational purposes but only if they have a tenancy – I guess the Council don’t want to donate money if my brother and I decide to move them off the land, something neither he nor I have any intention of doing.
While I could agree to a tenancy on the 2 acres they are currently using, it galls me that they want the tenancy to encompass the entire 19 acres. My brother and I have managed the remainder of the land very well with neighbours with the help of a local wildlife trust.
Why is it that the more you do for people the more they demand? Why is it that no good deed goes unpunished? I would love to tell the lot of them to just buzz off but the community garden has been a success, and many people get a lot of pleasure from it. If only people would just say thanks so much instead of ignoring you for years and then asking for even more. It just seems voracious and against the spirit of the enterprise.
And obviously this means more communication with my brother. I spoke to him last spring at the start of the pandemic and he was so angry and abusive, complaining his life was `full of lack’ despite having enough money not to have to work, a nice girlfriend, good health and a great image as a saintly benefactor. I am on my own and have had mental health problems, he had me in tears and I had suicidal thoughts again. Nobody knows what a complete shit he is. Having to deal with him causes mental anguish which I thought I had left behind.
I just want to be free of him and the demands of his environmental cronies who want to take over our land. I will work it out but I am just so disappointed in human nature.