I think I’ve stopped loving my partner

[idoliketobebesidetheseaside81]

Hi, long story short was in an abusive relationship for years and then single for a long time before I met somebody else and we got engaged 3 years later. We don’t live together but he spends most of the week here (apart from a few days here and there) We’re very different personalities but get along great (I don’t like some of his behaviours though) he’s quite greedy, lazy (in some respects) e.g he doesn’t cook or clean here very often but spends a hell of a lot of time here. I do all
The food shopping, all of the cooking and do probably 98% of cleaning/washing pots. (He doesn’t contribute financially but has done before) he does, however pay if we go out/away, buys a take away once per week, buys a couple of bottles of wine at the weekend and does the odd thing like pay for my MOT or repairs on my car.
He makes up for some of these behaviours in being quite kind and loving so before now I’ve sort of ignored those behaviours. Until now.
I’m so resentful of him at the min, he comes her, eats, sleeps and then goes home and then the next day the same happens again. I feel like all we do is fall asleep on the sofa or in bed watching tv and I feel like I’ve become a bit of a housewife. I know that lockdown has probably made a lot of us feel this way so I’m mindful that I may be being over dramatic (hormones) and feeling a bit down due to lockdown.
Today we’ve had a huge row (we used to argue a fair amount but haven’t done for month)

He’s been across with his child this weekend and his son has damaged a few things (his son is severely autistic) ive brought up the subject as he’s been quite destructive lately (with my kids toys and a few other things) and it needs to be addressed. Anyway I’ve spoken to him and he’s immediately got defensive (as always) and we’ve argued and he’s stormed out...that’s normal for him. He won’t hear a bad word said about his son and he also cannot take any form of criticism. So if we argue or he doesn’t like something I’ve said he’ll become very loud and verbally aggressive and storm out, I probably won’t hear from him for a couple of days now. I ALWAYS take the blame for the argument (even though it’s him that’s so ‘loud and shouty’) he’ll say it’s engrained into me to argue because I’ve been in a violent relationship and because I have to raise my voice because he becomes so loud he’ll say I’m verbally aggressive.

I’m starting to hate his behaviour and resent his child.

Everything about him is irritating me (his snoring, his jokes, his laziness, his opinions, he’s put a hell of a lot of weight on and this irritates me, his greed) and I’m also not missing him when he’s not here.
After all of that though, I do love him I just don’t know if I’m in love with him.

I don’t know what I want from this post, just to get it off my chest I suppose as I don’t feel like I have anybody at the moment I can speak to.

Thank you for listening, I feel very confused about my feeling. X

I'd dump him. A relationship is not supposed to drag you down.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is there really to love about this man or are you confusing love here with codependency?

End this charade of a relationship ASAP. They should not be such hard work honestly.

I feel that you are a convenient option for him, he’s also treating your home like a bed and breakfast. His defensiveness as well is red flag central and you minimise that at your emotional peril.

We do have some lovely times, we do nice things (when allowed)
We get on well (usually) and generally the relationship is nice but these things that haven’t really bothered me so much in the past have really started to wind me up x

In his defence (sorry) he spends so much time here as there isn’t enough room for my children to stay at his house

Is he lazy about supervising and actually parenting his child including the doing the work that comes with having his child in your home?

It sounds like this set up is incredibly convenient to him and he no longer makes any effort.

Why are you settling for someone that offers so little? The refusing to discuss his son in a reasonable way isn't going to change.

The storming off and silent treatment is to punish you into submission and not raise issues like that again and it's a form of abuse!

It doesn’t sound like you love him and I can’t see why you would. You’ve listed a huge number of failings and issues.

Why put your children through another abusive relationship? This is their home, their safe place, why invite someone into it who shouts at you and storms off, whose son trashes their belongings? Surely they deserve better than this.

The son is severely autistic and takes things apart. He’s not doing it because he’s naughty. I just want to put that out there. I do
Think I should be able to approach his dad though without his defending him so much. It’s like he can’t do anything wrong (the son)

No one is saying it’s his son’s fault. But the impact on your children is the same.

OP, you’re in another abusive relationship. Do you see that?

Hey, no, I wouldn’t have thought that. He’s supportive etc and as I said we generally get on but when we do row he’s like a toddler

Good grief. This sounds like hell.
He does absolutely nothing and just treats your place like a FREE hotel. He's not contributing financially.
You're cooking for him, cleaning, doing the food shopping etcetc.
If you marry him you'll also be doing all of the caring for his child on the days when he has him.
This guy is looking for some kind of housewife and carer for his child, with sex on tap for himself.

You can't stand him so end this immediately. The relationship is over.
You can't talk to him about issues relating to his child and you say you are beginning to resent the child. Therefore it's in everyone's best interests to stop this now. There is no future.

The supposed nice times you have are likely solely on his terms and those also have become both fewer and further in between.

Your home is supposed to be a sanctuary, currently it is neither for your or your children. This man’s storming out and refusing to talk to you or give you the silent treatment is basically an example of emotional abuse. It’s really over because of the abuse he meets out here.

It appears that you left one abusive relationship and have sadly ended up in yet another. Thankfully this person does not live with you, this will make it far easier to call time on this altogether.

Why are you this man’s doormat? He’s treating you and your house like shit.

Maybe you need a few weeks break to reassess this relationship.. you might find you enjoy life having your home completely to yourself

@Cherrysoup

Why are you this man’s doormat? He’s treating you and your house like shit.

You, your house and your children like shit. Every penny you spend subbing his living costs is one you’re taking from them.

I just don’t know what to do. I know these things aren’t right. I wouldn’t class myself as being in an abusive relationship but obviously some people see things very differently to me.
I do love this man and most of the time we have a very loving, tactile relationship and he’s great with my children.
I don’t think he’s ever use me for childcare (because he’s too precious about his son 🙄) so I’ll very occasionally watch him for an hour but he doesn’t generally put on me with him.

My biggest concern is his reaction to criticism and the lack of help (physical and financial)
I’m very awkward about the financial situation and o know that’s stupid of me and to the detriment of me and my children.
He does earn a lot more than me (17k v’s 50k) and he has contributed in the past but what seems to happen is he’ll change or contribution for a while and then it’ll stop and I feel awkward about addressing it as he has financial commitments too (son, mortgage etc) but so do I.

I know I’m my own worst enemy and I wish I could change. Just to kind of put a bit of perspective on things. I can’t get any kind of credit and he’s offered to buy us a house. (I rent) he’s supported my new business venture, he’s kind and we have a lovely physical relationship. We laugh, we have lots of nice times and he’s very genuine BUT he’s lazy, greedy, mardy (sometimes) and he won’t accept responsibility or criticism (this is occasionally) but I still hate it.
Plus I take the blame for arguments when it’s his explosive behaviour which makes it impossible to address things at times.
As I said, I do love him but I don’t know if I’m in love with him. I don’t suppose any of you can answer that for me. And ultimately I’ll be the one who chooses the direction we go in.
He’s recently been very ill (x2) and I’m sick of hearing about it. This is just a made up example but the other day he decided he needed to ‘move’ for his physical health. The pots needed washing, bins needed putting out etc but his excuse to move was to get a sausage roll (which really, considering his health he shouldn’t be eating)
He’s decided he won’t have a glass of wine on a weekend (which is my only pleasure at the mo) so instead just sleeps all evening and I’m bored stiff!
I’m sick of hearing how perfect his bloody son is. (He doesn’t criticise my children) but his child is far from perfect and he’s so protective over him.
I work in children’s mental health and I completely understand how he wants to protect his disabled son buy for gods sake, surely you have to discipline all children regardless of any difficulties they may have.

I know you characterise it as love, possibly because it's better than you have experienced previously, but it sounds more like abuse or, at best, co-dependency.

You are feeling uncomfortable in your own home and that is all shades of wrong.

To be honest I think your boundaries are so messed up that you are not ready to be in a relationship.

At the very least, consider scaling this relationship right back. Put your own needs first ie. the need to sleep uninterrupted (not being disturbed by snoring), the need to be respected ie. not expected to provide for or pick up after another adult, the right to have your home and family's possessions respected.

I too have experienced abuse and I appreciate it can be very confusing trying to work out why is healthy /unhealthy or to even recognise your own needs and wants.

But I can see very clearly that you are worth more than what you are experiencing.

I take antidepressant and I’ve weaned myself off them. I generally feel like this when I’m off them but in my heart Of hearts, regardless as the wether I’m on my medication this behaviour isn’t right.

Regardless of your AD treatment, your relationship is unhealthy and causing you distress. A drug won't change that. It is the relationship that needs changing.

That’s very true. I’m so confused.
I can’t imagine my life without him, my kids and family adore him. I, however see things from another perspective.
I got stuck in a 20 year abusive relationship because I felt sorry for the other person (how would he cope without me, what would other people think etc etc and I know I’m doing this again. We’ve only been engaged a couple of months and I was so happy when he asked my but over the past two weeks it’s like I’ve become acutely aware of our problems when before I just accepted them and thought of the good times.
My previous partner lacked in self confidence and I did most things for him ( but he was good around the house) although I suffered mental and physical abuse along with him being an alcoholic. My current partner is very successful, confident and to a degree, arrogant but I do do all the cleaning,
Cooking, shopping etc.

I’m rattling on, I’m sorry x

Idolike,
I am in a long-term committed relationship with someone and we don't live together.
We don't spend that much time together at all actually and that's just the way I like it.
The benefit of not living together is that you have loads of time and space to yourself and if there is the nearest wiff of a disagreement you can both go back to your separate spaces pronto and calm down before an argument develops!
Him being around your place all the time defeats the purpose of living separately, can you institute some boundaries and cut down on the amount of time you spent together.
Do you think he is trying to execute a 'cohabiting by stealth' manoeuvre?

I absolutely don’t know and co-habiting is a new term to me (I’ve had to google it!) when we do argue he seems to cut his nose off to despite his face. So for instance if I’ve moaned about doing his washing he’ll make sure I never need to do it again. Because I’ve moaned about his son he’ll probably make sure I don’t see him when he’s with his son, if I moan about money he’ll transfer me a few hundred but most of the time these things don’t last (apart from me doing his washing) he’s now saying if he didn’t come here we wouldn’t get to see each other but I can’t spend time at his house as he doesn’t have the room. He’s quite happy to spend 300k on a house which is new build in an area close to him but won’t spent 270 on a house where my kids are in school and have friends/family as it needs work doing. He says I’m being unrealistic but I just want my children to be happy and settled

What about taking a big step back? Give yourselves a chance to breathe... he stays at his, you at yours, sign up for some help either individually or together.

One thing is for sure, it won't change if you keep doing things the same way. He doesn't get it, and I'm not sure you do either. But you know you care for each other and you want to preserve that. One way to do that is to make changes that help the relationship bit because you are in it, it can be difficult to see exacuwhat needs changing. Maybe an external voice would be helpful.

He would be a nightmare to live with although tbh you pretty much are living together.

Everything is all on his terms isn't it? All the flounces are to keep you in your place and do things they way he wants/accept that what he says goes.

I agree with all of this. I’ve told him my concerns, they’ve been ignored. He’ll come round in a couple of days. I’m so concerned that he doesn’t think arguing is normal. It is normal, what isn’t normal is the way he deals with it. If we lived together he couldn’t bugger off to his own home...what would happen then?!