Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

For those of you in happy marriages.

29 replies

Tenorclef · 31/01/2021 10:04

How would your oh react if you’d had a bit of a dtd dry spell (a month).

How would they react if you then said you had started getting panic attacks about dtd and were on medication as they had become so severe?

Or, vice versa, how would you react if your oh said this to you?

My dh did not react well - please, I’m not looking for any comments on that (even if you figure out the NC).

I am looking for a sense of how other people would react and what you/your oh would do in this situation.

OP posts:
Wanderlust20 · 31/01/2021 10:09

I think if you need to ask, you know it's not normal, I am so sorry! Flowers

My DH is very sensitive and understanding, he'd be supportive and I'd be the same if the tables were turned.

Do you have friends you can talk to, have you spoke to a doctor?

katmarie · 31/01/2021 10:10

Dh and I would talk about it, and I would get nothing but support from him, and if it was the other way round he would get the same support from me. I can't imagine there being any other response that would keep.our marriage happy and healthy. I think you know that though op, I'm guessing you are concerned about his reaction?

katmarie · 31/01/2021 10:11

He would be worried about the panic attacks though in case he had done something to cause them, and he would support me getting help for them.

stillonthattightrope · 31/01/2021 10:14

My partner is kind and understanding. I've never had to be worried about his reaction to anything and have always been able to depend on his support and love.
Anything else is not a happy marriage. I agree with the pp that said it you need to ask this then you are not in a happy marriage and your needs are not being met.

TooTrueToBeGood · 31/01/2021 10:16

We've been together 25 years and have had numerous dry spells, though frankly I would never use that term. Plenty of things can put sex at the bottom of the priority list - tiredness, stress, gynecological problems to name a few. It's a non-issue. Anyone who goes into a long term relationship expecting it to be non-stop and never-ending sex is living in cuckoo land and being obnoxious about an occassional dry spell is deserving of a permanent drought.

AliasGrape · 31/01/2021 10:17

Our dry spell has been since dd was born 6 months ago. I asked him a few weeks ago how he was feeling about it all and he said it’s not a problem he’s just waiting for me to be ready.

Sometimes we’ve had dry spells and they’ve more been down to him - and I’ve reacted by just getting on with life I guess? Having a kiss and a cuddle and remaining affectionate but backing off when it’s clear it wasn’t going further. Same as he does if I’m not feeling it.

Nobody is entitled to sex?

The panic attacks - if either of us said that I think the other would be shocked. To me the fact that you’re so anxious about it implies you feel pressured and stressed/ coerced. As that doesn’t happen in our relationship we’d be shocked if the other one felt that way I suppose, but we’d try to listen and be supportive.

picklemewalnuts · 31/01/2021 10:18

He'd worry about me, but being emotionally a bit stilted would ignore the situation and assume sex was off the table for ever.

SirVixofVixHall · 31/01/2021 10:19

@stillonthattightrope

My partner is kind and understanding. I've never had to be worried about his reaction to anything and have always been able to depend on his support and love. Anything else is not a happy marriage. I agree with the pp that said it you need to ask this then you are not in a happy marriage and your needs are not being met.
Same. I agree with this.
FATEdestiny · 31/01/2021 10:24

We've been together since 1996 and have 4 children - we have frequently gone (much) longer than 1 month without sex.

As for how he/I would react - we would be horrified that OH was having sex related panic attacks. Horrified in a very, very concerned way.

To have such an acute negative reaction to intimacy we would (both) take as a sign of having a lot more to worry about than just not having sex.

Labobo · 31/01/2021 10:26

Together 25 years and lots of dry spells like that. Desire can vanish if you are stressed by work, poor health, lockdown or if loved partner is temporarily behaving in a way you find very unattractive (e.g. if they become depressed and lethargic you may be less likely to want to jump on them than if they are full of energy.) But the anxiety would worry me deeply. I'd want to discuss it and try to get to the root of it. Why has it suddenly come on? Is it something that has changed which could be addressed? (Partner gaining weight or getting slobby during lockdown, or drinking too much etc) Or is there some underlying deep and insoluable problem (partner being controlling or fetishing sex in a way you can't stand etc)

category12 · 31/01/2021 10:26

Concern.

Regularsizedrudy · 31/01/2021 10:27

My partner would gently mention the dry spell and ask if I was okay. When I told him about the panic attacks he would be really REALLY worried. He would console me and try to find ways to help, eg seeing a doctor. He would reassure me that I was safe with him and tell me my happiness and well-being was more important than sex. He would tell me we would face it together and it takes as long as it takes.

Bells3032 · 31/01/2021 10:28

If I were to go on medication cos of anxiety about any aspect of our relationship I think my husband would never stop berating himself for making me feel that way. He'd be Horrified.

We've had some longer dry spells due to medical reasons. Dh never pressured me and always just reassured me that sex wasn't the only part of our marriage. We've had some shorter dry spells of a couple of weeks just due to tiredness and stress and dh has always been loving and supportive of my needs. Anything else isn't healthy

Regularsizedrudy · 31/01/2021 10:28

(Oh and a long term relationship dry spells are normal btw)

Jeremyironseverything · 31/01/2021 10:30

He'd be worried that he'd put too much pressure on me and then would completely take any pressure off.
Ie concern

Jeremyironseverything · 31/01/2021 10:30

And a month isn't very long at all.

ElspethFlashman · 31/01/2021 10:38

Panic attacks and medication around sex would be a huge huge HUGE concern for him. He would be devastated.

However that would not happen in our marriage because our bed is a place of total trust.

Clearly it is a much scarier place for you.

That would suggest that there has been sexual abuse in your marriage and therefore you would expect his reaction to be abusive also. Because Cunts are gonna be Cunty, let's face it.

frazzledasarock · 31/01/2021 10:40

I know we’d both carry on kissing and cuddling when we could. We had a ‘dry patch’ for a couple of years when I had our DC and the lack of sleep and baby focus isn’t very conducive to feeling or having the opportunity to have/want sex.

My DH used to have really bad anxiety attacks they were terrifying we worked through them together and he sought medical help.

At no point would either of us have got angry at the other. I was really worried for DH at the time and wanted him to get better.

Are you OK OP? What has triggered the panic attacks are you safe, have you seen a doctor about your panic attacks.?

BigFatLiar · 31/01/2021 10:45

And a month isn't very long at all.

Nope a month is hardly any time. We've had periods when it was not on the agenda for a variety of reasons. We talked, never pushed. Important not to ignore it or let resentment build. If either partner is going through a period when sex is an issue you need to get to the bottom of it and work on it. I think it takes a lot of effort and a desire for success on both parts to make the marriage work long term.

Original poster
Tenorclef · 31/01/2021 10:48

Thank you everyone.

@frazzledasarock I’m safe. I’m working through it but it’s not easy. I suddenly realised that although I know my dh’s reaction to the situation isn’t my fault, it feels like it. I suddenly realised that there must be other ways that people would choose to respond to this, but I honestly couldn’t think what they would be. Hence the question. If I can see that there are options, I can believe it when people tell me that he did actually have a choice in how he reacted, and that it was his choice to react in the way he did (even if it was a subconscious choice on his part).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 10:50

How long have you been married? How old are the both of you?

Ukt67688332 · 31/01/2021 10:58

I don't know to be honest. I really think his reaction could depend on how you approached the subject.

You have introduced the idea that not having sex has led to anxiety which has led to panic attacks and medication. It's a lot for someone to process.

I suppose I'm not clear on what the anxiety is caused by? Is it caused by wanting to have sex, or worrying about having to have sex. Either way , have you presented sex as the single underlying cause of the anxiety?

I have panic attacks, and obviously suffer from anxiety. I am confused about this.

Original poster
Tenorclef · 31/01/2021 12:16

Sorry, @Ukt67688332 I wasn’t clear. The ‘dry spell’ was because I didn’t want to dtd. The anxiety is because I don’t want to dtd but he does.

I’m trying to gauge what other people’s reactions would have been to this situation, as I seem to have lost track of what is acceptable/normal.

OP posts:
PurelyT · 31/01/2021 13:10

A month really isn't that long OP. We have gone much longer than that, when I was pregnant I think we dtd about once during the whole thing and even that was because I'd heard it helped move things along toward the end!

Dry spells are normal in long term relationships imo for all sorts of reasons, it's part of life. Your husband should be supportive of you and helping you get to the bottom of your anxiety.

Ukt67688332 · 31/01/2021 13:20

Well, I am in a happy marriage.

If I felt as you did, and I told my husband , I imagine his response would follow something like this.

  1. He would be surprised that I have anxiety about having sex.
  1. He would initially feel that he has did something wrong, that he held some responsibility, , and he would ask questions to clarify what that was.
  1. He may feel like I am blaming him somehow and look to defend himself.
  1. He would really want to get into the reasons why I felt this. Did I feel threatened? Unsafe? And what was he doing to make me feel that way?
  1. He would ask what that meant going ahead in out relationship. Should he initiate sex or not? Should we take a long term break having sex or not?
  1. He would definitely suggest counselling for me.

He would be hurt, no doubt, and might say things initially if he felt threatened. But ultimately would consider me and my feelings.