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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I talk to my ex every single day

32 replies

Emel1800 · 31/01/2021 03:00

I have known a man for six years and he is the person I am closest to. I live with my mother which, since the pandemic has felt increasingly isolating. My ex and I broke up 18 months ago - and he totally blindsided me with it. We had 3 years of friendship behind us, the sex was good and I thought we were getting on well. However my mothrt had been ill and this was stressing me; and he’d met up with another ex a few weeks prior. Two months later - probably less- there were back together. He’d go and stay with her every weekend. It killed me but a I tried to get on with life.

During the pandemic he didnt go to stay with her and spend lockdown with her. He and I talked every day. We still do. I want to stop but I am so, so lonely and have no-one else.

Please help/advise.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 31/01/2021 09:49

Well it’s fine to still be his friend if you can accept it can’t be romantic or sexual

Todaythiscouldbe · 31/01/2021 09:57

I speak to my ex every day. We're friends. We were married for over 20 years and he had an affair, now living with the OW.

It's fine to be friends as long as you both know that's all it is.

Original poster
Emel1800 · 31/01/2021 14:37

I was kind of hoping someone would tell me to stop

OP posts:
Hailtomyteeth · 31/01/2021 14:39

If it hurts you, stop.

Original poster
Emel1800 · 31/01/2021 14:44

Is it immoral if his new girlfriend doesn’t know about it?

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 31/01/2021 14:45

You should stop if it’s not doing you any good, which it’s not.

He’s talking every day because you’re a friend.

Why are you? Because you still want him as more?

category12 · 31/01/2021 15:03

He’s talking every day because you’re a friend.

I think that level of daily contact is a lot higher than a normal "friendship".

Is it immoral if his new girlfriend doesn’t know about it?
If it's behind his girlfriend's back, then it's really dodgy ground.
If the content of the messages is such that a girlfriend would be hurt by it, then it's even dodgier. Plus doing yourself no good.

Basically you know this contact with him isn't good for you and that you're hanging on out of loneliness and not because it's healthy for you. So stop.

Original poster
Emel1800 · 31/01/2021 18:14

The contact is mainly video chats, not messages. There’s no sexual or flirtatious chat - but I have no idea if his girlfriend knows. However, he made me dinner six months ago and she rang whilst I was there. He said he couldn’t talk because he was with “friends” (plural). It was just me there.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 31/01/2021 18:29

I think you want more from this than he does .

So not healthy really .

🌺 🌺

category12 · 31/01/2021 18:30

Who else could you get in touch with, so you're not so reliant on him?

iailwfsaidc · 31/01/2021 18:33

You want more out of this than he does and you will end up getting hurt.
Try to start cutting down the number of days you talk to him.
Find some other people to talk to. There must be some friends or family members you can catch up with, even if you haven't been in regular contact for a while.

LastRoloIsMine · 31/01/2021 18:44

My ex and I have been split 7 years and my new partner has been in my life for just over 5 years. I talk to my ex everyday. We have kids, he's known me 18 years, he's a good man and he is my friend.

Most convos are child related but sometimes I need his advice or his friendship ( my dad has just died and he was very supportive) or mostly a rant.
I value my friendships and there is nothing I need be concerned about more importantly nobody else should be. If they do they need to grow up!

category12 · 31/01/2021 19:01

I think it's a bit different when you have kids together.

Also OP said in her initial post that she wants to stop the contact, and she obviously feels conflicted about it, so it's not really anything like your situation, lastroloismine.

Original poster
Emel1800 · 31/01/2021 19:13

I want to be less reliant on him yes. I don’t think I’m strong enough to come off this drug cold turkey but I could wean myself off. I could start by halving the dose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emel1800 · 31/01/2021 19:14

And the people who say I’ll get hurt - yes totally- this is why I want out.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/01/2021 20:15

@Emel1800

The contact is mainly video chats, not messages. There’s no sexual or flirtatious chat - but I have no idea if his girlfriend knows. However, he made me dinner six months ago and she rang whilst I was there. He said he couldn’t talk because he was with “friends” (plural). It was just me there.
You know she doesn't

He's not very nice really

EarthSight · 31/01/2021 20:19

@Emel1800

I want to be less reliant on him yes. I don’t think I’m strong enough to come off this drug cold turkey but I could wean myself off. I could start by halving the dose.
Yes, I think that's a start. Every other day is plenty. A lot of people don't speak to their mums or best friends that often even, so it's a start.
Original poster
Emel1800 · 31/01/2021 21:39

@Nanny0gg maybe I justify it to myself because it seems he left me for her. Feels less like I owe her anything. But I’m sure he doesn’t see it that way and I’m sure that’s not what he presented to her. Not her fault obviously.

OP posts:
Fearandsurprise · 31/01/2021 22:49

It sounds like he’s having an emotional affair with you. He’s lying to his girlfriend about you. It seems like you still have feelings for him.
Have some self respect and step away.

Original poster
Emel1800 · 31/01/2021 23:44

@Fearandsurprise agreed

OP posts:
Midlilfecrisis37 · 01/02/2021 00:25

You know it's not right, he sounds weak. Don't waste your moral code on him. Time for a new chapter. well done on recognising dodgy behaviour.

Fearandsurprise · 01/02/2021 03:29

I’m sorry you are lonely, but don’t waste your emotional energy on this man. You say you have no-one else. Could you spend the time instead reconnecting with old friends or family members to build up a stronger network?

Original poster
Emel1800 · 01/02/2021 11:45

@Fearandsurprise yes I could and am also looking on dating sites.

OP posts:
5128gap · 01/02/2021 12:00

I think you're going to find it really hard to stop this at the moment as there is so little else in life.
The way out of these things is to crowd them out with other things, other friends, activities etc so you don't have the time ir head space for it.
At the moment thats really difficult so don't be hard on yourself.
I think you're in a good place in terms of understanding what he's like (deceitful, unreliable) and that it's not good for you in the longer term, so hold these thoughts.
If speaking to him daily is what gets you through at the moment I would worry, but would keep a clear head and the intention to crowd him out when you can.

5128gap · 01/02/2021 12:01

Wouldn't worry that is!