My boyfriend is so unaware of how to read the room whilst I grieve a loved one.

[NectarinePie]

Hi everyone, mumsnet newbie here.

I (22F) recently found out that a close loved one is passing. It hasn't happened yet, but I've grieved since I found out. I am so, so sad. I feel helpless and have been struggling to sleep in fear I miss any phone calls. For the record, I live with my boyfriends flat 2 hours away from my family.

Anyway, last night, I awoke just half an hour after I fell asleep to my boyfriend shaking the bed, if you know what I mean. I filled with rage. How could he pleasure himself at 5am, next to me, as I lay there grieving? I felt hurt and made sure he knew I was awake. He stopped.

He spent last night, and now tonight, on his games console from 10pm til 4am, despite how painfully obvious it is that I need him here.

To top things off, I asked him this evening if he could make dinner as it was a quick recipe and I had to catch up on some work I didn't get done today. He proceeded to kick up a fuss about how I wouldn't be helping (as a joke, he says, but I fail to understand the humour in it), to which I stated that I had managed to tidy up his shit today, even though I was anticipating a call that my loved one had passed.

He left the room shortly after, but didn't start on dinner. I didn't want another argument so just began prepping the veg until he took over.

He's now back on his video games. He hasn't asked me how I am, nor bothered to kiss me today. I normally articulate things that upset me to him, but I am just so tired and over being the one who does everything in the relationship. I love him to bits, but I feel so sad and exhausted.

You're displacing your upset about what's going on, onto your boyfriend because he's there. He's not a mind reader. You need to talk to him and tell him what you need. Different people grieve differently. He probably thinks you want space to be left alone and don't want to be constantly reminded of it by being asked how you are.

If you tell him what you need and he ignores you, then it's reasonable to be upset.

He's living like a Student...in his own world...

Gross.

I don't think he has suddenly started acting like a self absorbed child just because of your news. I think he is an unpleasant immature tosspot but maybe up till now you let him get away with it.

Sorry you're facing bereavement.

I would consider whether a guy who you don't find emotionally supportive is the right person to be with. You really need a long term partner to be someone you can count on.

Secondly, if you're doing more domestic labour than he is, you should really think about why you're doing that. It's 2021, strive for equality. What you accept now is what will break you down the road.

Will I hope you realise you are too young to be contemplating life long relationships with anyone, but just in case you were, this one has completely invalidated his chances by showing you exactly how much use he's going to be in all those crises that life throws at you.
I would extract myself as soon as you can and wonder why you love him dearly.

Is he around your age? When I was 22 I'd been lucky enough not to have experienced bereavement and honestly would have had no idea how to support anyone through it.

But aside from that he doesn't sound like a great boyfriend, especially if he's in a habit of wanking in bed next to you/whinging about cooking/leaving his mess for you to tidy/gaming all night.

You sound like 2 students shacked up together..
Ltb.
He has shown he isn't emotionally available for you..

You love him to bits? What's to love? The man child you see today is the man child you'll be stuck with if you stay with him. Don't waste your youth on this twat. He wants a mummy, not a partner.

Your boyfriend sounds too young for the commitment of living with someone if he is 'shaking the bed' with you lying next to him. That is unbelievably gross and disrespectful.

I don't think, however, you can expect him to understand your feelings about your sick relative; people don't unless they have been through it themselves. I wonder if you will forgive him when this is all over.

Look after yourself and think carefully about what your expectations are from this relationship.

Sorry you’re grieving OP, so hard. Have you got some mates to talk to? Family?

He is Emotionally unavailable. Arrange to move out when you’re ready, nurture yourself, and pick a better boyfriend next time. You deserve MUCH MUCH better.

Would him not playing computer games really have helped ? One way of dealing with bereavement is to carry on.

Please do not waste so much of your life looking to other people to read your mind and to remember all the time that you are upset.

You are making him responsible for your feelings. That is a step towards the 'you made me do/feel this' mentality.

You are upset because a friend is dying. You are also upset because your boyfriend wanks next to you in bed and doesn't cook dinner.

Both of those are absolutely justified, but the wanking and dinner are not upsetting just BECAUSE you are upset about your friend, are they?

Would you be OK about the wank and the dinner if your friend was fine? Do you expect your BF to not wank/playstation/dinner/kiss you etc at other times?

You don't have to be especially upset in order for a good partner to behave in a basically decent way.

I am just so tired and over being the one who does everything in the relationship.

If that is the case, aside from the situation at the moment, then leave him.

Honestly - when someone shows you who they are, believe them!

He sounds lazy and petty and just... not great. Not exactly the kind of bloke you think 'Wow, that's the one I want beside me when I give birth/face a loss/go through difficult times'.

It doesn't sound like you're 'displacing' your upset at all. That would be if he couldn't do right regardless of how much he was helping or supporting. From what you say, he's really choosing not to be there for you when you need him, or even be kind to you when you're down.

Really - do you want that to be your partnership, for the rest of your life?

Have a think. People don't change.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your mum get treated like you are now?. You sound like his skivvy.

Why do you love him to bits?. Just how low is your relationship bar here to tolerate this at all from him.

Would encourage you to go home to your family and rebuild your life.
What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Nothing from the sounds of it.

Stop doing yourself down by remaining with an emotionally unavailable manchild. This is who he is and he is not going to change.

Some weird comments on this thread.

He sounds awful. Wanking next to you in bed is really disrespectful, regardless of everything. You obviously need him to step up and I don't agree with others that he needs to be told this, surely it's just what someone does when their partner is going through a shit time?

My grandfather died when I was 21. I was heartbroken. My now husband was an absolute sweetheart and did the best he could to help me. I didnt have to say please can you make the dinner and oh by the way, don't wank next to me in bed. I'm not someone who shouts LTB but this guy is showing you his true colours and you need to think hard about whether you like what you're seeing x

Sounds to me like you need to have an honest conversation and you both need to apologise to each other.

He needs to apologise for being so insensitive for having a wank next to you as you sleep and leaving you to your grief.

You need to apologise for placing your anger and grief on him. You also need to be honest about what you want from him, support wise.

Not everyone knows instinctively how to cope with people who are grieving. Some people find it extremely awkward and uncomfortable. They don't know what to say or do. So explain to him what you want from him.

If you or him can't do these things there's not much hope for you having a long and lasting relationship.

Communication
Honesty
Forgiveness

You’re expectations are a little over the top, it sounds like you’re expect him to be a mind reader. He doesn’t need to never mastrubate or play computer games because of the difficult time you are facing, and him doing those things shouldn’t make you angry.

Your worry and grief is making you angry, not him just being his normal self. It’s fair for you to expect him to show concern and affection for you when he knows you’re struggling, but if you’re getting angry at him it’s going to be very difficult for him to do. If you expect to have any relationship where you don’t need to explain your feelings because it’s tiring then you’re setting yourself up to feel let down. You will always need to articulate your feelings in a healthy relationship, with this man or any other.

The bed activity he engaged in is unacceptable at any time, ever.

Assuming he is around your age, he sounds like a fairly typical late teen / early 20s guy. Not that you have to put up with what you don't like about him or the way he behaves. But that is a separate issue from your grief.

A lot of people feel awkward around other people's grief. Some are more naturally empathetic than others. He may never have experienced grief himself, nor seen others dealing with it.

Also some people like to deal with grief by themselves or inwardly. Personally I value kindness and thoughtful gestures, but I don't need lots of hugs and long talks to get through bereavement. Talking with people who share grief for the same person can be more helpful than someone who isn't going through it.

So maybe you need to articulate to him what exactky you need from him. I can well understand him withdrawing if he feels at a loss or maybe even embarrassed by your emotion.

Not everyone knows instinctively how to cope with people who are grieving. Some people find it extremely awkward and uncomfortable. They don't know what to say or do.

Most people no matter how awkward don't start to masturbate next to the grieving person though.
What are you getting out of this relationship OP? You say you love him, but there doesn't seem to be much to love from your post.

Awful boyfriend.
Get rid.

You need to mind yourself during this difficult time and not be around a selfish child.

He is showing you who he is...an immature twat.

You are so young...why the rush to live with him?

@TheChampagneGalop nice. Take my comment out of context there.

Read the rest of my post and you'll see that I said he needs to apologise for masturbating right next to her in bed.

He DOES understand. He just doesnt care. Infact, he is angry that your grieving is taking your attention away from focusing on his needs. A typical narcissist.

It has nothing to do with immaturity and everything to do with emotional stunting. He will never change. He lacks empathy and respect for you. It's really pretty scary. I'd imagine if you get sick he gets annoyed at you for being sick. And if you choose a career that takes you away from home you much, again, he will get annoyed with you (unless you are paying all his bills).

He isnt good news op because he is not a hood person. Run.

*too much

Move out and live your life instead of being a bang mummy for this lazy insensitive wanker