My boyfriend is so unaware of how to read the room whilst I grieve a loved one.

[NectarinePie]

Hi everyone, mumsnet newbie here.

I (22F) recently found out that a close loved one is passing. It hasn't happened yet, but I've grieved since I found out. I am so, so sad. I feel helpless and have been struggling to sleep in fear I miss any phone calls. For the record, I live with my boyfriends flat 2 hours away from my family.

Anyway, last night, I awoke just half an hour after I fell asleep to my boyfriend shaking the bed, if you know what I mean. I filled with rage. How could he pleasure himself at 5am, next to me, as I lay there grieving? I felt hurt and made sure he knew I was awake. He stopped.

He spent last night, and now tonight, on his games console from 10pm til 4am, despite how painfully obvious it is that I need him here.

To top things off, I asked him this evening if he could make dinner as it was a quick recipe and I had to catch up on some work I didn't get done today. He proceeded to kick up a fuss about how I wouldn't be helping (as a joke, he says, but I fail to understand the humour in it), to which I stated that I had managed to tidy up his shit today, even though I was anticipating a call that my loved one had passed.

He left the room shortly after, but didn't start on dinner. I didn't want another argument so just began prepping the veg until he took over.

He's now back on his video games. He hasn't asked me how I am, nor bothered to kiss me today. I normally articulate things that upset me to him, but I am just so tired and over being the one who does everything in the relationship. I love him to bits, but I feel so sad and exhausted.

Plink It's more to this than him being simply being awkward about feelings. OP doesn't need to apologise.
I agree with Wanderlusto and RantyAnty.

Well @TheChampagneGalop you're stating that as if it's fact.

Do you personally know OP?
Do you personally know OP's OH?

They're in their early 20's so I'd say lack of maturity is a probability.

Not everyone knows how to deal with someone who is grieving, especially at that age. And so instead, they leave the person alone or they carry on regardless, completely unaware of the other person's feelings.

Now regardless of whether he's being a dick to her or not, they need to have an open and honest conversation. She needs to confront him and say "masturbating right next to me in bed is totally unacceptable" and he should apologise profusely for it.
But equally, she cannot expect him to read her mind and she shouldn't be getting angry at him when he doesn't do something she expects. That's not fair. She should apologise for being in a bad mood with him over things that he has no idea he's done wrong.

The idea that everyone SHOULD know what they've done wrong is preposterous (excepting the masturbating scenario). It just doesn't happen that way... sometimes we have selfish moments, sometimes we have moments where we act badly towards each other... that is just the natural course of relationships.

Oh come on now pp. Even a ten year old would know what she is going through because a ten year old has empathy. So even if he is 'only in his twenties' there is no excuse.

She should apologise and explain why she isnt happy with his obviously completely inappropriate behaviour? ..wtf! Are you hearing yourself?

The wanking aside, why is the onus on her to tell him what she needs? If my partners relative just died I'd fricken ask them what they need from me in order to be supportive.

He isnt immature. He is cold. And we dont need to know him to see that.

Not everyone has your empathy skills.
Not everyone is as emotionally intelligent as you.
Not everyone is as intelligent as you.

Never assume. Communication goes both ways.

Why should she? Because everyone reacts to grief differently. Some people want to be alone. Some dont. Some cry. Some don't. Some drown their sorrows. Some don't. Reactions to grief are hugely varied and not everyone knows how best to support someone especially if they don't communicate with each other.