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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Now what?

33 replies

poppylily21 · 30/01/2021 19:02

My boyfriend has just kicked off and I don't even know why?!

We've been together 6 years and only recently moved in together!

He has had previous anger management but it's been getting better and over the years we've even broken up a couple of times but I thought the days of him leaving where over

Anyway we've been great for a long time
We are TTC and recently going through ivf !

He's just told me he doesn't want to do it anymore, it's too expensive and it will be too stressful?! I'm in literal shock
He even said he's ' finishing it' it literally has come from no where in my eyes

I've thought we've been getting on well!

What's really getting to me is that he has these moods that if I've being totally honest I've almost put up with

He will get annoyed with me at the slightest thing, he gets easily irritated and he put me through a lot of shit at the beginning but when I took him back (twice ) things changed

Sorry for rant just in a bit of shock

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 30/01/2021 19:03

Sounds like you're well rid tbh.

IM0GEN · 30/01/2021 19:04

How will he be with his anger issues, moods and getting irritated at the slightest thing when he’s holding a small screaming baby and he’s been up all night?

Ohalrightthen · 30/01/2021 19:08

@IM0GEN

How will he be with his anger issues, moods and getting irritated at the slightest thing when he’s holding a small screaming baby and he’s been up all night?

Let's hope OP never finds out. It is so, so easy to seriously hurt a baby in a rage.

@poppylily21 men like this often escalate to violence once their partner gets pregnant. You've had a lucky escape.

Original poster

poppylily21 · 30/01/2021 19:09

Well this is what I'm thinking

I just feel sad that we've trying to work through our issues and i thought we were doing ok!

But looking back, maybe I've just settled???

OP posts:

Ohalrightthen · 30/01/2021 19:11

@poppylily21

Well this is what I'm thinking

I just feel sad that we've trying to work through our issues and i thought we were doing ok!

But looking back, maybe I've just settled???

You have ABSOLUTELY settled, and badly.

I think you need to really closely examine what made you take this shitbag back, twice. Why don't you think you deserve better?

Also, PSA - if you're "working through issues" in a relationship, you shouldn't be TTC.

ItisLikethis · 30/01/2021 19:13

Anger issues = immature, selfish, abusive.

Original poster

poppylily21 · 30/01/2021 19:14

Are any of these things even normal?

He sighs and huffs at me getting really irritated at the smallest of things

Has NO patience at all for anything it seems

Gets into road rage and arguments with people

He is going through a no work stage at the moment so things are tight money wise but we are ok...better than some anyway

I think I've just got used to it maybe

Lockdown is so hard and it's lonely and I guess we coupled up because we couldn't live other 2 houses ( he lives with his mum )
But as I say as a whole I thought we were doing ok? I'm trying to love and support him as much I can but it's obviously not enough

OP posts:

TowandaForever · 30/01/2021 19:17

You don't sound like you want to end things with him.

You will regret having a child with him. I was in a similar relationship and should never have had children with him.

Original poster

poppylily21 · 30/01/2021 19:17

Well because I think I've been with him 6 years and when I say working things through it's been pretty good for the last 18m and he was in a load of debt but has managed to sort himself out and be in a position where we have a bit of savings for it . It was for a house but the last year we thought we'd try as we aren't young

I'm 38 and he's 43

He's had it hard and had a hard upbringing and I guess when it's good it's amazing but the last month I can really see him almost fallen back to his old self

OP posts:

user13752257 · 30/01/2021 19:17

That's not how I'd define ok or normal.

Bringing an innocent, defenceless child into an abusive relationship is a terrible thing.

Leave him.

Do the Freedom Programme course.

Original poster

poppylily21 · 30/01/2021 19:19

No I guess I don't, up until a couple of hours ago we were ok? As in he just flared up and lost it! Like that's not ok is it?

I said I don't want him here being like this so he was like right fine I'll fucking leave you little bitch

I mean name calling, really?

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 30/01/2021 19:21

God no, no one of this is normal! If he gets irritated and angry at adults how do think he'll react to a baby crying after 0 hours sleep?

He's an unemployed cocklodger who moved from his mum's to yours, with anger issues who treats you so badly you've split up numerous times. He is NOT boyfriend material, let alone father material!

Loving and supporting him is not going to change him, but it is going to fuck up your life!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2021 19:23

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What you describe re him is normal for an abusive man. You were doing ivf with this person?!. Why is your relationship bar so pitifully low?.

You absolutely did settle here and chose him poorly to boot. He is a loser and he has and will continue to drag you down with him. Do not take him back now. It was a huge error of judgment on your part for taking him back the first time. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You cannot love him better nor act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship. He is abusive and I would urge you to look at the Freedom Programme, this can be done online. Contacting Women’s Aid also would be helpful to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/01/2021 19:26

Make your 39th year on this planet a lot happier for you than the last 6 years have been.

His nice and nasty cycle of abuse towards you is a continuous one. You and he should absolutely not be together any longer let alone do ivf. Your relationship is over because of the abuse he meets out towards you.

tenlittlecygnets · 30/01/2021 19:26

No no no no. He's abusive. Why did you take him back? Debt, anger issues, no work, road rage, impatience with you - this is a disaster waiting to happen.

Please stop ttc. A baby does not deserve to be brought into this atmosphere.

ItisLikethis · 30/01/2021 19:30

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

ItisLikethis · 30/01/2021 19:30

Get out now before this escalates any further.

VeganCow · 30/01/2021 19:40

If you had a daughter and she had a boyfriend like this and she told you the things he does, what would you say to her?

katy1213 · 30/01/2021 19:45

He was living with his mum at 43 and he's 'going through a no-work stage?' Even leaving his anger/temper issues aside, he's not much of a catch is he?
The good thing is that you've seen the light before getting pregnant. Your first duty as a mother is surely not to choose a loser like this to be the father of your child.

BlueThistles · 30/01/2021 19:55

met him walk... he sounds like a waste of space 🌺

Pumpkinpied · 30/01/2021 20:00

Please don’t bring a child into this. No it’s not normal behaviour.

IM0GEN · 30/01/2021 20:02

But as I say as a whole I thought we were doing ok? I'm trying to love and support him as much I can but it's obviously not enough

Ah so you have been trying really hard to fix him and turn him into husband and father material ? But now you can see that it’s not working, and he’s still angry, threatening and abusive.

Please please PLEASE stop TTC right now. I can tell you don’t want to leave him but please use a reliable form of contraception and stop IVF.

You have a right to stay with him if that’s what you want. But you don’t have the right to deliberately bring a baby into this world with a father who is at risk of seriously injuring it.

Bananalanacake · 30/01/2021 20:02

Can he go back to his area of work. Is he on furlough, if that's what you mean by a no work phase. You should dump him anyway for being abusive.

AnitaB888 · 30/01/2021 20:17

It seems to me, OP, that it was the moving in together that set this dynamic in motion. He doesn't want the commitment to another person but happy to have a 'girlfriend' for the 'extras'.

My first marriage started to fall apart when he stopped working away from home for long periods and I saw him for what he was really like.

"When people show you who they are - believe them"

Please take this ^ on board and dump this loser.

Original poster

poppylily21 · 30/01/2021 21:08

Sorry everyone I've just feel so so stupid

You're all right and I feel completely like I've made the wrong decision taking him back

I know it's not right or usual behaviour deep down

I feel very silly and weak

OP posts:

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