Now what?

[poppylily21]

My boyfriend has just kicked off and I don't even know why?!

We've been together 6 years and only recently moved in together!

He has had previous anger management but it's been getting better and over the years we've even broken up a couple of times but I thought the days of him leaving where over

Anyway we've been great for a long time
We are TTC and recently going through ivf !

He's just told me he doesn't want to do it anymore, it's too expensive and it will be too stressful?! I'm in literal shock
He even said he's ' finishing it' it literally has come from no where in my eyes

I've thought we've been getting on well!

What's really getting to me is that he has these moods that if I've being totally honest I've almost put up with

He will get annoyed with me at the slightest thing, he gets easily irritated and he put me through a lot of shit at the beginning but when I took him back (twice ) things changed

Sorry for rant just in a bit of shock

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No he's not on furlough, he is self employed and struggled with Covid

Some weeks he has good money jobs others nothing, but overall it's ok and doable and wouldn't say it's a massive problem

Well reading through everyone's posts yeah it's sounds awful doesn't it !!!

Well he lived at home after his split from
His ex wife and since then he's practically lived at mine. Didn't see a massive issue with that
His debts he's managed to pay off over the years
He does earn money so definitely not sponging off me
His main issues are his moods

I understand it's not normal and not ok
He always wanted to be a dad and I was always on the fence like if it happened it happened

But as I thought we were sorting out issues out I thought we were going to be ok x

First thing you need to do is stop berating yourself for being 'stupid', no one teaches us how to spot abuse and it's really common to have a sudden lightbulb moment when it all becomes horribly clear. What would be stupid would be to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, nothing you've done so far has 'fixed' him and you're always going to end up back here sooner or later if you stay with him.

I know it's hard coming to terms with a different future to the one you imagined but it was never real to begin with, I'm guessing his moods and rages weren't part of your dream relationship? The Freedom Programme is a really good idea, it may well help clarify your thoughts and make your decision easier, you can do it online for £12 www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Thank you everyone, I'll take a look at the freedom programme

I'm going round in my end the events of last night and where it went so horribly wrong, I've slept bad and I don't even know where he is
He's stayed every night since 1st lockdown

I don't rely on him financially but he does pay half rent and bills infect a little more so now I'm left worrying about money
It's a long time since I managed on my own
We've got some finances together which we will need to sort and a holiday in august!

I know his behaviour was not ok last night
Even as he was leaving packing up he was blaming me saying if I just left things he would have been ok but I've ruined it by asking him to leave?!
I asked how long would it have been to come and apologise if I did leave him ? Was like I had asked him a difficult maths equation!!! Then said ummmm half hour???
So he would 'sulk' until then or likely give me the silent treatment more like

I'm anxious what will happen next

The previous times we've split he's ok until a point where he wants to talk and if I ignore or block which is what I've tried to do before he just keeps contact some way

I mean this is before this may not happen this time and sounds like from his behaviour it was the move and definitely something going on as his moods have got worse the last month

Know that doesn't sound long but believe it or not because I did take him back after begging and promises of change I was always quick to challenge when he did flare up like last night

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Do look at the Freedom programme; that will also help you no end.

I would think he slept soundly yesterday. He has gone now and he needs to stay gone too.

He's basically mooched off and otherwise used you the entire time you've been together. Its no surprise his ex wife left him; she was likely abused in this same manner as you now are. Abuse like described though is really insidious in its onset and it can and does creep up on people so do not feel stupid. He has made you feel weak but you can rebuild your life now that he has gone. He really needs to stay gone too.

How did he manage to contact you last time if you blocked him?. You cannot afford to speak to him ever again. You can and will manage on your own; infact you will be better off in all sorts of ways.

Where he is now is not your problem. Are you codependent in relationships; why have you felt so responsible for him?.

Finances can be sorted (and I would not contact him re those) and I doubt that you will be going on holiday anywhere this year, let alone with him (perish the thought). This holiday will likely get cancelled in any case.

Again he like practically all abusive men has not apologised nor has he taken any responsibility for his actions. He has again blamed you for it all, in his abusive mindset its always your fault and never his.

Being "quick to challenge him" as you did makes no odds; he would just see that as an additional challenge for him to bring you down to his base level. Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for your words of advice it is noted.

He created another email address and I blocked each one, he created 4 in the end

Then he left a note on my car asking him to meet me before work one morning but this was all over 18m ago now

That's how contract was made, I then caved

He even set up a counselling session! I emailed the lady saying i wasn't interested

But the last time we got back together again he suggested counselling but I thought we could work it out together

At this point his promises just got to me and I wanted believe them x

So he basically harassed you and otherwise wore you down into taking him back. If he attempts to contact you (that is very likely) get the police involved because this would be seen as harassment.

Joint counselling with an abuser is NEVER recommended. He would likely try and manipulate the counsellor too and he would try and make it out to be your fault (he has already done this to you).

Where are your own family and or friends here?. Are they supportive and can you reach out to them?. Keep posting here too and do contact Womens Aid.

Well I ended up messaging him back one day as he got in my head

He'd leave it a bit then message again just wanting to talk explain etc and I felt I needed to hear it

I have handful of friends and small family but as it's lockdown everyone is keeping home and we don't see each other

My mums vulnerable and we are close but she hates him and when we got back together the last time she won't have anything to do with him anymore
I don't feel I can talk to her now as it will be a massive I told you so

Thank you it's helping talking it through

I doubt he will contact me he was very final yesterday but to be honest it just makes a lot of sense
Moving in ivf he just didn't want it

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