Can anyone explain this to me please?

[TheGrandfatherClockWasTooTall]

Forgive me for this. Lockdown has given me lots of time to think - there's not much else going on after all!

I have a male friend who I've known for a few years.

He has had one 10 year relationship, a few dates and the odd fling here and there but nothing more. He lives alone. He is completely self sufficent.

He's not a sexist in the sense that he thinks women shouldn't work or be independent; nor in the sense that that women should be the domestic labourers in the home. He has no sense of entitlement towards sex and has no issue with women saying no to sex. He is kind, thoughtful and compassionate. He doesn't believe women are delicate little flowers and doesn't have any expectations of women behaviourally that he doesn't have of men. He doesn't speak badly of women who enjoy sex and the traits he dislikes in women are traits he also dislikes in men. He doesn't hold women to different standards.

However, he often makes remarks about younger women. Much younger women. We had a conversation recently where he was telling me that he thought it was normal for men in their 70s to ogle beautiful, slim, sexy 20 year olds. He said I wouldn't find a man who didn't. He regards it as natural law. I don't mean admire or look at but actively desire a sexual relationship with. He said he will be one of the old men in a care home ogling the young carers 🤮

He agreed that there was a difference between noticing a beautiful woman and leching over her.

But he said it was normal for men to be sexually attracted to much younger women - even those young enough to he their granddaughters and that men just don't think about it in the way that women do.

Tbf, he assumes that older women look at 20 something men in the same way.

A couple of years ago, he was clearly interested in me and asked me out but I turned him down largely because of this. I have no interest in dating someone who is constantly looking around for much younger women to be sexually attracted to. He showed an interest in me again more recently so whatever it is, it clearly hasn't gone away for him.

He thinks nothing of commenting on beautiful women but will equally comment on attractive men.

My question is this.

I was in my early 40s at the time. He is a few years older than me.

I don't believe for a second that he is looking for a life partner who will cook and clean for him, nor one who will provide sexual services for him. He admits he uses porn but thinks that other aspects of the sex industry - eg using cam girls etc are sleazy. He prefers the porn of the 70s rather than the very violent misogynistic stuff of today. He thinks stripping is the ultimate female empowerment because those women have men completely in their power and that it is the women who are exploiting the men not the other way around.

He asked me out because he thought I was a "really nice person". I assume that he must have desired me on some level... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm neither slim, nor beautiful, nor young. I've never really understood what he saw in me or why he asked me out when these are clearly the women he is interested in and I'm not one of them.

It's a moot point really, I've just been thinking about it.

Oh, I didn't ask a question.

How/why did he ask me out when I'm not he wants? I suppose.

He objectifies women and comes across as a sexist sleazebag from.your post. He sounds horrible to me.

I'm not doubting that.

There is a difference between fantasy and reality for most people though.

You're a real person who he is attracted to. It's fairly normal.

Sometimes he fantasises about young, stereotypically pretty women, but in real life wants a woman more his own age that he knows is nice and (presumably) fancies?

Is he right about all men being like that bit that some just don't show it?

I'm not sure that, in reality, he does want someone more his own age etc. I think he just begrudgingly accepts that these women wouldn't be interested in him.

What fitzbilly & hollysbush said. Normal, no?
I quite like the look of Justin Bieber/Michael Buble/Tom Hardy. I am much older than some of them & I don't have sexual fantasies about them, I just appreciate their youth & visual appeal . My husband (who I love dearly) looks nothing like any of them.

He is right though but it works both ways too. Is this not obvious? But there is a big difference between fancying how someone looks and loving the person you are with.

I don't know if it works both ways!

I can appreciate if someone is aesthetically pleasing but I wouldn't become sexually aroused by just looking at a person.

Three times in my life I've had heart flutters at the sight of a man. I have to know someone first generally.

So I don't feel I've got any basis for comparison.

If I'm interested in someone or have feelings for someone I barely even notice other men, if I'm honest.

To me, it feels very much like settling for someone you can get whilst lamenting and lusting after those that you can't.

It's sounds to me you've got to know him in an intimate way, more than some married couples know. I think men being attracted to child baring women is part of our biological make up? Has he shown a wandering eye in his 10 year relationship or was he just expressing an opinion? I think he sounds like an honest man that has opened up to you and the fact he finds you attractive in your opinion for your personality speaks volumes? I'm sure you're very beautiful inside and out but writing this man off for saying men will find 20 something women attractive throughout their lives is a bit harsh

I mean, there are scientific reports that have found that men find younger women the most attractive, but those same reports say that the women that men are most interested in tend to fall within their own age range. This one that I read says there's a clear distinction between physical, sexual desire and the connection they crave with someone of their own maturity level. I have no clue if that falls down to biology or socialized misogyny. The men that women are attracted tend to be within their own age range, even as they get older. So they will generally start to be into older men as they age.

But that's just one report. I'm sure there are different studies that are less stark.

from a quick google search:
metro.co.uk/2019/02/22/men-regardless-age-will-always-attracted-women-early-20s-8718590/

but also, these reports don't say that men are ONLY attracted to younger women. Beauty is subjective. We're all ugly to somebody, which must mean we're all beautiful to somebody. Just because he finds younger women attractive, doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive too. He asked you out because he is attracted to you in some way or another. Just because he finds young women attractive, doesn't necessarily mean he is interested in them.

I don't know...

I don't know if he had a wandering eye in his 10 year relationship. He said he never cheated on her and didn't even feel tempted. Yet I know it wasn't always a happy relationship. His close female friend has confirmed that he didn't behave badly.

He has been single for most of the past 7 or 8 years.

We are very close and there are very many things about him that I find attractive but I find this very off putting

I think the other thing I find disturbing is that I have a 15 year old daughter.

It bothers me greatly that, in 5 years time, she will have 70 year old having sexual fantasies about her and men in their 50s lusting after her and thinking they're in with a chance. After all, they're still 25 in their heads.

I don't see it as a problem and as long as you're secure in yourself then it doesn't matter imo

It's a horrible thought as she's your DD but we can't control the thoughts of others, just have boundaries for their actions

To be honest you seem rather naive about the inner thoughts of most people, male and female. I'm sure a large proportion can and do imagine having sex with people much younger, or indeed much older, than them and become sexually aroused by the thought. It's equally the case that the vast majority know very well it would be an awful relationship and would never contemplate it. They look for someone with whom they click at all sorts of levels, usually but not always in their age group.
I don't think there's any idea of settling for second best, it's just what you, or your brain and emotions, are looking for at that moment.

@TheGrandfatherClockWasTooTall

Oh, I didn't ask a question.

How/why did he ask me out when I'm not he wants? I suppose.

He can't get those women. He hasn't got a hope in hell of a much younger woman being interested in a slightly lecherous, porn loving, old fashioned, sexist man in his fifties. Not the slightest chance.

He can't even get a woman a few years younger than him (you!) to date him.

He can fantasise about younger women all he wants but the reality for him is that he is very likely to be an older single man living and dying alone.
He's quite pathetic really. He doesn't know how to "woo" a woman, and sounds as if he has no filter and simply wants to push his own sexual boundaries on to you (what he has said is a bit inappropriate and unnecessary in a friendship). Thats going to put a lot of women off.

@TheGrandfatherClockWasTooTall

Oh, I didn't ask a question.

How/why did he ask me out when I'm not he wants? I suppose.

Surely he asked you out because you are what he wants?

When I was in hospital a couple of years ago, there were a lot of fit young doctors who I admired. I am in my 60s. It's normal.

Normal not onl for older men, but for man women (not sure about women in their 70s, but 50s for sue, they often fancy younger men and some do the 'cougar' thing.
You say you never think sexual thoughts until you get to know sxomeone - but it's very individual, I can assure you , many women do feel 'aroused' just afetr a brief chat or a flirty moment with a man who is their type.

But I would say, women who are easily attracted, aer more choosey and tend to go for a particular type / types, whereas many men are not fussy and may fancy a whole range of women physically.

But I very much agree with pp - being attracted and being interested in a r-ship with aer two differnt things! And it's not just because he has on chance with someone young - he has, look at all the Thai brides etc, but most men would want a genuine / emotional/mental connection and mutual interest from a life partner.

*but for many women (in first sentence)

Maybe it's because I have a teenage son but I see men under 30 as kids and feel quite motherly towards them (I'm 50). Even though I can see that they are good looking and fit etc, I am not remotely attracted to them and find it disturbing that older people do.

People might be attracted to those younger, but it's hardly the sort of thing you share with a potential love interest.

It's out the OP right off. And to be honest, hearing a man in his fifties describing his fantasies about younger women would put most people off. It's embarrassing and ridiculous, and inducates a lack of social skills.

You seem to be discussing sex a lot with this bloke, I’m really not sure why.

He asked you out because he thought you’d be up for it. Why else. He has no one else. Irrelevant of him perving on women, he’s not got anyone willing to shag him. He clearly thought you’d be up for it

Do you want to be with him? Is this why you’re asking?

He’s given you the ick. He’s not for you - you are not compatible. I don’t know if his “honesty” and “openness” to this degree in a friendship is just that and appropriate - or that it’s unboundaried - or even setting out his stall so that you know what you have to accept of his behaviours - which might well be worse.

Personally he sounds like an entitled, objecting creep - and for me I couldn’t have him around my teenage daughter knowing what goes on in his head and that being in a RS with him sort of accepts this.