Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Child Arrangement - ex

32 replies

Eyesclosed20 · 30/01/2021 02:00

Hi All,

Long time poster - name change. Just after some advice. Been with my partner now for 7 months. Split with my ex of 10 years about 9 months ago but it was over a 3 year period that I knew we were splitting as did he as things were very toxic.

My new partner has known us for years and has known my children for a long time. He has recently been helping me out with lifts due to car troubles and this has included my children.

My ex has kicked off about this saying he wont ever accept this guy in his childrens life as he needs time to process and that by involving him with the children already i’m wrong.

Just to be clear the children don’t know he is my partner - I have introduced his as mum’s friend but as I say theyve known him for years anyway.

For full transparency the children's ages are 3, 5, 8, 9.

My question should I be giving ex what he wants as some of my friends are saying as they’re his children or should I continue to do as I wish? If it’s relevant he pays hardly any child maintenance and sees the children for 5/6 hours on a weekend and two nights in the week for 2 hours.

Appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 30/01/2021 02:11

You moved on very fast. I’m not surprised your ex is a bit ☹️

MorningNinja · 30/01/2021 02:13

In what way has this male been involved in yours and you DCs lives prior to your relationship starting?

I'd be prepared for your DH to out your relationship to your DCs...mine did.

BlueThistles · 30/01/2021 02:30

Your ex has no right to tell you who you can or cannot have in your life... tell him to grow up and mind hid own business 🌺

Ardvark111 · 30/01/2021 02:39

Speaking from a man's point of view, his amount of access is quite good with his kids, he probably can't move on from his n your rship ending a decade is a long time ( I been there ) and is lashing out,!! This will probably change when a another woman turns his head ( you have not mentioned he in a rship so forgive me if I'm wrong,? I'd say carry on going as you are tbh,!!

Aebj · 30/01/2021 02:40

Will he help with taking the children to places they need to go. If not why can’t your friend do it

category12 · 30/01/2021 06:56

It's early to be having a new partner involved with your children, and I'm not convinced by your "car troubles" being good enough a reason. Convenience shouldn't really be why you make those choices.

I doubt you'd be too chuffed if he introduced a new girlfriend, even as a mate, after a matter of months, would you? Sauce for the goose.

user1493413286 · 30/01/2021 07:02

You decisions are nothing to do with your ex; I wouldn’t be jumping to involve him in your kids lives too quickly based on them recovering from the split and it being important that the relationship is serious before he’s involved with them. I can understand that the relationship has been breaking down for a long time but to your kids you split up only a few months ago. It should be your decision and not your ex’s what you do.

Jumpers268 · 30/01/2021 08:06

It's completely up to you how you choose to live your life. It's not up to your ex. However, I wouldn't be happy with it. My DP of only 6 months called me a few weeks ago and asked if minded picking up his children from school with him (he doesn't have a car). I said I couldn't as I'd not met his children yet, and he hadn't met mine.

millymollymoomoo · 30/01/2021 08:26

Why is your ex not having the children overnight or a full weekend ?

I don’t see anything wrong in what you’re doing but of course I can see why your ex is upset - to him he’s sees this guy as a threat and will be worried that he’ll become heavily involved in his children’s lives. Perhaps offer some reassurance to him in that matter

I don’t think you should stop as your ex doesn’t get to say what you can and can’t do. But also recognise that your children are also going through a big change in their lives and tread carefully and sensitively

LadShropshire · 30/01/2021 08:57

Have you heard of Covid 19? He shouldn’t be be giving lifts anywhere if he’s from a different household.

harknesswitch · 30/01/2021 09:16

What you do with your life is nothing to do with your ex. As long as the dc are safe, cared for and looked after you can introduce them to whoever you want. That sentiment also goes for your ex.

Original poster
Eyesclosed20 · 30/01/2021 09:26

@LadShropshire

Have you heard of Covid 19? He shouldn’t be be giving lifts anywhere if he’s from a different household.
Actually we’re both single households so he can be my support bubble and I can be his so there is no issue related to covid-19.
OP posts:
Original poster
Eyesclosed20 · 30/01/2021 09:32

Thanks very much for all the advice. I have been clear with ex that we aren't getting back together and told him to move on. I told him I was seeing someone new as in some respects its the only way he will accept we aren’t getting back together.

I do understand the fear of someone moving into his territory but I’ve been clear he is their dad (albeit when it suits him!) and he can have overnights, weekends and be as involved as he wants. He’s chosen this times.

When together, he was very controlling so while I don't think he is bothered about me - just a case of if I can’t have her then nobody can - he is using the children to control me and make life awkward.

The children get on really well with my new partner. Yes I moved on fast but I checked out from ‘our relationship’ 20+ months ago.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 30/01/2021 09:34

You have seemed to move on pretty quickly, confusing for the children.

Original poster
Eyesclosed20 · 30/01/2021 09:39

Not really as I say I checked out a long time ago.

Children are absolutely fine and have told teachers, family members via zoom etc. they're happier with dad not here as there is less arguing etc.

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 30/01/2021 09:40

Ignore him op. He is using sly ways to maintain control. He doesn't get to run your life... Maybe Cms would be a better way forward... Or he may start using money as his lever...

LadShropshire · 30/01/2021 09:51

Actually we’re both single households so he can be my support bubble and I can be his so there is no issue related to covid-19.

It’s about the spirit of keeping the virus under control - I assume he is having contact with his kids? He could infect you and your kids who in turn pass it on to their Dad....

Original poster
Eyesclosed20 · 30/01/2021 09:56

@LadShropshire

Actually we’re both single households so he can be my support bubble and I can be his so there is no issue related to covid-19.

It’s about the spirit of keeping the virus under control - I assume he is having contact with his kids? He could infect you and your kids who in turn pass it on to their Dad....

Yes he has his children 50% of the time which is allowed. We follow all the real rules rather than the mumsnet ‘spirit’ rules that people exaggerate on here to claim everyone is breaking them.
OP posts:
MotherExtraordinaire · 30/01/2021 11:25

How will you feel when a new "mum" is on the scene? Would you wish to know beforehand?
If so, then yabu.
If not, then crack on.
The maintenance and amount of contact is irrelevant.

category12 · 30/01/2021 11:30

Just ask yourself honestly if you would be OK with your ex introducing a new woman to your dc and hanging out & helping with them on his contact time this soon.

Santaiscovidfree · 30/01/2021 11:31

Be patient op... I get you must be angry this woman isn't wise to the real him. He will have painted you in the worst way. Probably why she is the way she is with you.
My ex had a lovely gf. Was quite puzzling what she saw in him. But most men can put on the charm in the short term. Enough to ensnare their next victim..
Roll on a year and she dumped him for his best mate. I was overjoyed I won't lie!!

Original poster
Eyesclosed20 · 30/01/2021 13:41

I haven't introduced anyone as a ‘new Dad’ and they wouldnt be anyway as he will always be the dad. I’d have no issue with him introducing someone to the children as i’d just be happy he has moved on and leaves me alone!

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 30/01/2021 13:52

I'm not one of these people who thinks that mums should wait years before introducing a new man, but 9 months after dad left does seem a bit quick.

Why doesn't your ex pay maintenance? What sort of skanky man doesn't support his own kids?

3JsMa · 30/01/2021 13:53

Your ex has no right to dictate how you live your life now nor any posters who say you moving on so quickly and harming children.If you are all safe and happy it all that matters.It's no different than having a female friend supporting you.
I can totally relate as have experience of toxic relationship myself.
I finally found courage 18 months ago.I'm still recovering while my ex was in relationship 2 months after our split.Did i scream and shout?No,it's none of my business,I'm happy that I am free and alive as it was very close to being killed.
He doesn't have any contact with our 4DCs and refusing to arrange it.He uses his new partner to abuse me as well.
Keep strong.

Original poster
Eyesclosed20 · 30/01/2021 14:00

@3JsMa

Your ex has no right to dictate how you live your life now nor any posters who say you moving on so quickly and harming children.If you are all safe and happy it all that matters.It's no different than having a female friend supporting you. I can totally relate as have experience of toxic relationship myself. I finally found courage 18 months ago.I'm still recovering while my ex was in relationship 2 months after our split.Did i scream and shout?No,it's none of my business,I'm happy that I am free and alive as it was very close to being killed. He doesn't have any contact with our 4DCs and refusing to arrange it.He uses his new partner to abuse me as well. Keep strong.
Thank you so much for this. I have very much felt in the same situation at times. Im glad you got out as have I!

Like I say I havent introduced him to my children as a new partner just mom’s friend as he always was before.

My ex doesnt pay maintenance as claims i’m spending money on my relationship not the kids as apparently when I have then I dont constantly entertain them as you know im doing things like cleaning, cooking, washing etc.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I appreciate the different perspectives.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread