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Original poster

Do opposites work, is he just too 'nice'?

36 replies

ZubinB · 29/01/2021 21:12

I've just started dating someone (well, since September) - he's very kind, thoughtful, ambitious, quite handsome, the sex is very good (although I had been barren for the 2 years previous so it's exciting again) - We're both post 40 with kids (mine are young, his are all grown up) - I rarely have any time to myself and now I have to factor this new person in - which most of the time I'm keen to do, but at other times I just want some time alone...
Anyway, like I said, he is a sweetheart, but he had kids when he was very young, and he's never really been 'wild' or 'exciting' - he is very straight and sensible. I had an insane time in my 20's and 30's. Lucky to have made it through, really!!
I feel like he might be too 'nice' for me, or do I just mean boring??? I hate myself for thinking it, let alone saying it. He's really into me, and I like him, so don't know whether to just go with the flow for a bit; but I'd hate to lead him on.
Does any of that make sense???? My last fella was the opposite - quite chaotic, moody but he always made me laugh (and then cry towards to the end, but that's a different story).
Is 'nice' enough?? I'm definitely not one of those women who likes a 'bad boy' but maybe someone with a bit of edge? But that seems so pathetic and shallow. Especially as he would do anything for me and makes me feel good about myself...

OP posts:
user194729573 · 29/01/2021 21:15

You want someone who will treat you badly? Why?

Because it's what you're used to and you miss it? Because you don't think your deserve to be treated well? Because you're sabotaging your life?

My last fella was the opposite - quite chaotic, moody but he always made me laugh (and then cry towards to the end, but that's a different story).

I wouldn't say that is a different story if it's driving your decision-making about relationships in the present.

Original poster
ZubinB · 29/01/2021 21:22

oh goodness no! I'm not into self-sabotage. I would rather have no relationship than one where I was treated badly.
It's just this current one is at the other end of the scale - he treats me so well, but sometimes I question our connection and how much I actually like him (in a romantic way).

OP posts:
umpteennamechanges · 29/01/2021 21:26

There's really no such thing as "too nice".

You're just used to being treated badly / having a moody other half and so you're feeling out of your comfort zone.

Just out of interest how was your relationship with your parents?

umpteennamechanges · 29/01/2021 21:28

Also every single person who self-sabotages would say "God, no, I don't want to self-sabotage. It's just XYZ"

Such is the nature of self-sabotage: you don't know that you're doing it.

Original poster
ZubinB · 29/01/2021 21:46

it's really not that - I am questioning how attracted I am to him, but maybe that is nothing to do with him being too nice. Maybe it's just our personalities don't match? Sometimes he does cringey things that makes me roll my eyes. I sound like a teenager, I know.

OP posts:
Brahms3rdracket · 29/01/2021 21:52

If you're thinking about it this much you don't fancy him enough.

Lizzie523 · 29/01/2021 21:54

Do you laugh together? I think that's important. You mentioned the last guy made you laugh, although it sounds like other aspects weren't so good!

I like a guy who is not at all edgy. Sounds similar to what you describe actually plus we have a good laugh together. I've gone out with 'exciting' people who weren't actually great people.

I would always take a decent person first but I do think you need to be excited or content with your life together. Maybe give it a bit more time and then see how you feel?

Original poster
ZubinB · 29/01/2021 22:04

I make him laugh more than he makes me laugh. I am very dry and sarcastic, he isn't really - sometimes he makes dad type jokes, which is when the eye rolling comes in. Culturally, we like similar stuff - also politically we are aligned - it's just the banter that is missing maybe?

OP posts:
wifterwafter · 29/01/2021 22:11

Just have a bit of lighthearted fun abs enjoy the sex 😉

nailslikeknives · 29/01/2021 22:33

I really think that kindness is the key to long term relationships.
If you want a fling, any exciting, witty bad boy will do and wanting a fling is fine. Nothing wrong with a shag for its own sake!
But in my experience, kindness is what ensures you treat each other well, forgive genuine mistakes and get along for the long term.

Wherearemymarbles · 30/01/2021 01:19

Set him free. Judging by what I read on here he wont stay single for long

You seem like the billowing white shirt / tortured types. Plenty of those around too as they tend remain single.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2021 01:25

My last fella was the opposite - quite chaotic, moody but he always made me laugh (and then cry towards to the end, but that's a different story).

You want more of this? Oh yeah, edgy guys are so great. Honestly, you do sound like a teenager. Wouldn't a nice, dependable, stable guy be refreshing at your age? I think you need to give your head a wobble.

Butterymuffin · 30/01/2021 01:32

This honestly comes across as you equating love with drama and being treated badly. You've said the sex is very good and he's a really nice guy, and you have similar views on many things. When you say more 'banter' instead of dad jokes, that sounds like you expect him to keep you on edge, put you down at times as well as making you laugh. Don't feel it has to be like that.

PillowSandwich · 30/01/2021 01:33

By the sound of it, it has nothing to do with him being ‘nice’ — you just think he’s naff and a bit of a 40something pensioner, and he wrecks your cool credentials.

In your shoes, I think I’d be asking myself why you’re so insistent on your ‘wild’ past as key to your identity — you’re a 40something parent to young children now, so why are you so insistent on your past wild times. Is it because you’re afraid you’re more like Cringey Sensible Boyfriend than you’d like?

user1481840227 · 30/01/2021 01:33

I think opposites can definitely work and I don't think someone can be too nice really if you want to have a healthy relationship.

It's probably more that he's really nice but that your personalities aren't clicking enough for whatever reason. You could meet another guy who his just as nice but has a personality that you just click with more and that makes you addicted to him.

It's like with pricks, they don't all have the same personality, there can be charming pricks, boring pricks, entertaining pricks, stupid pricks and so on lol

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 30/01/2021 01:52

Set him free. Judging by what I read on here he wont stay single for long

I don't know - I read this alot, however I'm increasingly beginning to think that "niceness" or being decent isn't an inherently attractive quality in-and-of itself (for both sexes, so this isn't a "nice guys come last" type of post!).

That's not to say it's off-putting - I think people do want someone who's decent, however its more like having decent plumbing in a house. Being a decent human being is kind-of expected in a good relationship. Nobody falls in love with a new house thinking "wow, it's got really decent plumbing!" though. In fact, may might think "okay, the plumbing's a bit shoddy but we can work on that - its got so much potential!"

I think its more accurate to say desirable people, who are also decent, get snapped up quickly.

jelly79 · 30/01/2021 08:02

I'm the same as you I think! My last 2 exes have been 'broken' and really hurt me but I adored them!
Since then I am guarded but would hate to meet someone like them but fear a 'nice guy' just won't do it for me x

litterbird · 30/01/2021 08:28

I hear ya! I, too had a wild side in 20s and 30s and went for the edgy ones who eventually broke my heart and tortured my soul. It took me a while to learn to stop being attracted to those types. I failed several times as just couldn't resist the drama filled types. I am with one of those "nice guys" now. I wouldn't swap him for the world. It took me a while to settle and I just love the fact he is reliable in every sense, he does make me laugh and I know my soul will never be tortured with him. If you just want to see how it goes with your new man and if you realise its just a personality clash then move on.

harknesswitch · 30/01/2021 08:31

I don't think it's anything to do with him being too nice or your opposite, you just don't sound that into him or that attracted to him.

MarshaBradyo · 30/01/2021 08:32

I think he could find someone who likes him more.

You’re not into it really

shivermetimbers77 · 30/01/2021 08:36

Your guy sounds great OP, and rare as hen’s teeth.. I always used to go for edgy guys too, and the trouble is that those edges can be sharp.

category12 · 30/01/2021 08:37

If you already find him a bit cringey and dull, you're well on the way to getting the Ick.

And it's not really fair to the guy to wait until you're getting annoyed and repelled by him. Just let him go.

SilverRoe · 30/01/2021 08:56

I dunno, sounds like you’re focusing on the ‘nice’ bit but this jumped out at me -

“ - I rarely have any time to myself and now I have to factor this new person in - which most of the time I'm keen to do, but at other times I just want some time alone...”

How much time are you spending together? When do you get time alone now, if at all? Could this be part of the problem? Are you feeling suffocated?

peanutbuthead · 30/01/2021 08:57

When it comes to dating, Go with the flow. Always. That's my motto. Sooner or later you'll have clarify. He'll either bugger off, or you will forge a connection. Even the really nice ones can surprise you

SilverRoe · 30/01/2021 09:01

Also, it’s worth considering whether a ‘stable’ and reliable relationship is actually what you want or what you think you should want. There’s actually
nothing wrong with edgier or more chaotic relationships if you accept you enjoy that and don’t expect those types to transform into Mr Reliable.

Not everyone wants or needs husband material type relationships- not unless your aim is in fact to get married and have a life partner. And we all assume that is the ultimate goal of any relationship- commitment and marriage or living together etc, joining lives. And any relationship without that potential is a dead end and to ‘throw him back’.

But maybe it’s not for everyone and you know that’s actually ok - just be honest with yourself if that’s how you feel.