Do opposites work, is he just too 'nice'?

[ZubinB]

I've just started dating someone (well, since September) - he's very kind, thoughtful, ambitious, quite handsome, the sex is very good (although I had been barren for the 2 years previous so it's exciting again) - We're both post 40 with kids (mine are young, his are all grown up) - I rarely have any time to myself and now I have to factor this new person in - which most of the time I'm keen to do, but at other times I just want some time alone...
Anyway, like I said, he is a sweetheart, but he had kids when he was very young, and he's never really been 'wild' or 'exciting' - he is very straight and sensible. I had an insane time in my 20's and 30's. Lucky to have made it through, really!!
I feel like he might be too 'nice' for me, or do I just mean boring??? I hate myself for thinking it, let alone saying it. He's really into me, and I like him, so don't know whether to just go with the flow for a bit; but I'd hate to lead him on.
Does any of that make sense???? My last fella was the opposite - quite chaotic, moody but he always made me laugh (and then cry towards to the end, but that's a different story).
Is 'nice' enough?? I'm definitely not one of those women who likes a 'bad boy' but maybe someone with a bit of edge? But that seems so pathetic and shallow. Especially as he would do anything for me and makes me feel good about myself...

I thought the same with my now hubby, he was just too nice, turns out....thats absolutely amazing.

He is soo kind, respectful and caring its not fun to have a partner play games and be a bad boy forever. Its fun for exactly that, a bit of fun for a fling.

My hubby is fun AND too nice, its not one or the other, you can have both.

@ZubinB

it's really not that - I am questioning how attracted I am to him, but maybe that is nothing to do with him being too nice. Maybe it's just our personalities don't match? Sometimes he does cringey things that makes me roll my eyes. I sound like a teenager, I know.

Oh no, that's not good. That reaction is wrapped up with lack of respect, and disgust. They're strong words, but give it 10+ years and you will be seriously resenting him.

Sensible men are good. You know why? You can trust them. They're competent. They're savvy, and because they don't have massive egos (usually) they're less likely to take stupid risks. They're good with money and are less likely to get into debt. They're not fools.

However, it's obviously not enough on its own and there are many other aspects that are important too. You are entitled to like what you like, but you must also accept that it can come with downsides. You need to ask yourself if you quite like drama. Do you miss emotional highs & lows? The romanticism of having a tempestuous relationship? If so, ok, but don't expect other to like it. Be aware that it might get very boring or wearing on your friends & family who have to hear about it or witness it.

There's nothing wrong with wanting someone who is spontaneous and adventurous though. To want to be with someone who likes to try new things. That has nothing to do with being 'nice' or not. If you perceive him as being 'too nice' though, I think you might end up trampling all over the poor guy because you just don't seen to have any respect for it.

Always find it funny to see MNetters purse their lips in horror at the idea of wild parties. Having fun should clearly be a phase the lasts about a fortnight at the age of 20, and thereafter life should solely be about being sensible and mature and bloody boring, while looking down on anyone who still enjoys a bit of hedonism.

I totally get you OP. I had a wild and thoroughly enjoyable time in my 20s and 30s and I haven't quite outgrown it. It would feel really weird to be in a relationship with someone who'd been totally straight-edge all their lives. It's not a hard and fast rule - some of the most fun people I know don't really drink or party - but there's a type of person who seemed to be spiritually 45 years old when they were actually 25 and they're just so, so dull to be around. Yes, they now have more stability and savings than I do now but it's all come at the cost of having a personality.

However there's a false dichotomy on this thread between edgy guys and stable guys. The tortured artist type can do one - just as tedious to be in a relationship with, even if for the opposite reasons to the prematurely middle-aged. There are people out there who know how to cut loose and like a wild time, while also being decent, caring and sensible when they need to be. Chaotic and moody aren't good personality traits for a relationship but they don't correlate to liking a party.

As for this guy? I don't know if he's boring - are you bored by him? Does he know how to have fun in his own way? Does he have good conversational and social skills, even if he hasn't had a wild party life? Does he judge people who have had a party past (or present)?

Opposites can definitely work together, there are actually plenty of people I know from my party days who've had partners who preferred an early night, and they're all still together - I think the energy of one can be balanced nicely in a relationship by the other. Bear in mind that in covid times no one's getting any hedonistic outlet anywhere so if you feel your life is feeling a bit too boring, that might not be because of him.

I'd continue to go with the flow for now - four months isn't really long enough to tell how compatible you might be, unless you're feeling actively bored by him.

Yes, you hardly know the guy. It's not like you're in a rush to move in with him and get married - you're at the free and easy age. If you're enjoying it, keep on doing it. If at some point you're not, then stop.

"Niceness" by itself is not attractive because it is NOT a character trait. Its the absence of being deliberately nasty. It is or should be the absolute bare minimum in a person.

E.g. if I had to explain why I like one of my best friends I would say she is super funny, always willing to do adventourous things etc etc and generally are personalities just click. An old boss I had who I still speak to is very clever, always acknowledges others viewpoints and has her team members backs. She was also decisive when she needed to be and very focused on getting the job done well.
An old boyfriend I had was into the same activities I did, very brave, creative, could be romantic, again had a good sense of humour.

All of these people (my friend, my boss, my boyfriend) were NICE. But that isnt a personality trait as I said. If the only way you can describe someone else as is "nice" then they are boring as fuck. If the only way someone can describe themseleves as is "nice" then they are either boring or lying.

So I would focus on what else you like or dislike about your partner and whether you actually fancy him. The "niceness" is a red herring

By ‘nice’ do you actually mean dull?

You’ve said you’re questioning how much you’re attracted to him and that he says/does things that make you cringe.

Those things give the impression you’re just not that into him.

On the other hand, as PPs have said, you also mention your past experiences and relationships, which gives the impression that your judgment / self sabotage could be issues.

Also that your life as a single parent is challenging. How much time each week do you see your bf and spend alone (presumably your free time is only once DC are in bed)? If you’re spending lots of time with your boyfriend and v little time alone, for example, you could see him less.

yes - I've totally been focusing too much on him being 'nice', which isn't the problem. Other ways to describe would be smart, responsible, thoughtful, kind - all lovely qualities - but I'm not sure I would describe him as funny - he is interesting and he has opinions, but I guess I do find him a little dull. God, that is so harsh. I'm sorry. Also, you're totally right about covid times, I've not really had a chance to see him in a social environment - it's always just me and him - generally, either in bed, watching telly or cooking! Lockdown has meant we have seen each other little. Obviously he hasn't met the children. I think I will just give it a bit more time, to give me a chance to get to know him more. It'll probably end up with me getting more into him and then him going off me!!
In terms of wild, I don't behave like that anymore - but I would say I'm still a bit young at heart, even immature (so embarrassing) and I'm probably a bit lazy. Looking after my kids is my main thing, and I'm not bothered by a lot else outside of them. I just enjoy my mates, my dog, my own company the beach and my home! I'm not entirely sure I even want a full blown relationship (but as a PP said, it doesn't have to be an all-encompassing relationship - although he is talking about us going on holiday which scares me a bit).
Will re-read all your helpful advice - but just to clarify - I am definitely not after a bad guy, I just want a bit of fun! X

I only see him every couple of weeks - normally from early evening until the morning, then he leaves early before my kids get back

It’s not at all harsh or awful to find someone’s company dull and / or not want to date them. Or indeed be friends with them.

Even in Covid times - when few of us are up to many interesting things or at our best in terms of being good company and options to go out etc aren’t there - it’s not a good sign that he doesn’t make you laugh and you’re finding your limited time together dull at times.

Why do you assume he’ll go off you (if you get more into him)?

I think if you were right for each other you’d be feeling more into it and excited

just sod's law - a way of teaching me not to be so damn judgemental! X