It's my freedom-versary :) (Mumsnet Saved Me. :) ) You can escape too

[SoulofanAggron]

Hi all, I just wanted to say that it's a year since the Vipers helped me see what the sex pest I was involved with was like and block him.

Despite all the Corona (and I'm not minimizing what everyone's been/is going through) I've been doing so well in myself for not having to put up with the constant pressure.

Many thanks to the majority who were helpful.

And if you're not sure about something a bloke you're seeing is doing, please make a thread.

If you know you're with someone awful, leave when you can do so safely. It could well be the best thing you ever did. xxx

Congrats op
Don’t know if I was helpful then but hope so

Congratulations OP. Funny how we get ourselves into these situations. When you're out of it afterwards it seems like madness .

Gosh, a year already. Well done OP.

I'm sure you were This was the thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800172-Is-it-ok-for-a-lover-to-ask-repeatedly-for-sex-acts-he-knows-you-dont-want

The only few unhelpful ones were the typical stuff we see in threads- a few people asking if I was real or some perv getting off on posting, accusing me of not listening, saying I was incompetent etc, or somehow enjoying what was occuring. But that was only a few people.

Dozens of you helped me see the light.

Congratulations OP, you are really brave!

Oh yes I remember
I definitely was
Yay, good for you darling

Congratulations OP and so happy for you

Amazing, well done you

Well done. Its hard to leave, harder to stay away sometimes, so we'll done and Congratulations

Brilliant!
MN has helped me so much over the years, yes there's a few dickheads, but mostly supportive women looking out for each other

Hi, I have a Youtube I started recently about my experiences with men, feminism etc. I made a vid about how the MN thread helped me see what the arsehole was like and bin him.

Subscribers wouuld be great, or contributors who want to share their stories- they can do so anonymously if they like. I don't make any money from this.

Well done x

Well done for escaping @SoulofanAggron good for you.

Hi all, this is the OP, Interested, I somehow lost that account.

I've been remembering recently one of the coercive things he did. I would be giving him X and knowing I didn't like receiving it, he would tell me to go into W position while I was doing it sometimes. As the whole point of giving him X was to give him pleasure, I'd automatically feel in the moment that I had to go into that position because he liked it and had asked for it, even though I really don't like receiving X.

If someone tried that nowadays (though hopefully most men aren't as bad as this) I like to think I'd say 'no, you know I don't like that' and if they tried anything coercive again then bin them.

Before this recent thought there has started to be the occasional day where I haven't thought of what happened with Bob at all. Even when I have thought of it over the last 10 months, it's been mainly only remembering that thread for a moment and how you all helped me.

I've had some therapy about it last year and am doing fine, I just tend in general to have a long memory for many things that have happened in my life. EMDR a year or so ago has made that a lot better.

Thanks again team.

Hi OP, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience but pleased you found the strength to leave. Congratulations on your nearly 2 years of freedom!

I have just had a look at your thread and I had something similar with my (soon to be ex) husband. He would talk continually (we were together a decade) about how his ex liked to do X and what a shame it was I didn't like it (he also compared our bodies). He also moved on to how I had done Y and Z with previous partners and how he didn't feel it was right that I had done those things with other people and not him, even though I made it plain I didn't want to do them anymore. He was also coercive throughout about frequency of sex (threatening divorce, cheating etc because he needed more sex than I gave him).

Toward the end of the marriage I couldn't bear him to be near me when I orgasmed. In hindsight I feel really traumatised by everything and I don't know how I'll get past it and trust someone again physically. Do you have any tips?

@hahahawhatchalaughinat Sorry to hear you had one of these ghastly men too.

In hindsight I feel really traumatised by everything and I don't know how I'll get past it and trust someone again physically. Do you have any tips?

4 letters- EMDR.

I had the type with the light bar rather than following someone's fingers.

You can get it on the NHS sometimes and I also had some privately, which was well worth prioritizing financially.

There are Youtube vids which give a light that you can follow while remembering the unpleasant memories- obviously it'd be at your own risk but I think it'd work if you had the patience to give yourself regular sessions (I only give this as an option for if you can't afford it- but definitely try and get on the NHS list too.) The therapist in EMDR mainly just goes 'ok, carry on' so you could do a lot yourself I think, though of course you could stop if it didn't suit you.

I also did The Freedom Programme and that was very affirming, and I met a lot of women who were on the same page (even though we mainly knew each other online as Covid started and effected the meetings.) Some of the friendships are great now. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php You can do it online but I don't think that'd be as good as chatting to others- and the facilitators are really motivating.

Another thing is that you have learned some red flags now or things that are dealbreakers for you. You might fear that you'll find it hard to trust again, but if you think about it what that means is you've learned some things to watch out for and could bin at the first sign of pestering etc. I don't think our caution is wrong or inaccurate; experiences we've had could make us have a greater awareness of red flags, which is great.

I'm after a completely different kind of guy now that isn't my usual type, I hope I don't go off them after a while lol; someone very wholesome and sensiible, not vulgar.

Not had a partner yet but mainly that's just because I felt a bit fat but am working on that. I joined Bumble and have messaged a bit on there.

There's no hurry, and bin one who sets off your inner alarms immediately, or maybe after just one second chance, depending how dodgy what they did felt.

Savour the freedom of not having to put up with the sleazing etc.

Well done @SoulofanAggron.👏👏👏

That's brilliant. Thanks so much for taking the time to give me such detailed advice - I'm going to look into EMDR now.

Sorry again for your experience.

You too. x Maybe make a thread when you start the EMDR, let us know how it goes. I found it took about 6 sessions to start to see results, but then it was really striking.

This is OP

Hello darlings- 2 years. I still think of what you did for me often.

I'm so proud of you OP! I remember reading the thread but having just re read it I can't quite believe what you were going through. Other people don't matter when YOU are uncomfortable! Congratulations for getting away xx