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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tips to get over a beloved ex husband after his affair?

28 replies

rosesarered2021 · 29/01/2021 18:38

Divorced after a long marriage when ex left me for a younger woman who immediately got pregnant. No going back and no contact.
3.5 years on and I'm still struggling to get him off my mind. I've been to three counsellors and done as much as I can to try and shift the deep hurt but it just won't leave me.
Any tips from people who have been in similar situations ?

OP posts:
CluelessnotShoeless · 29/01/2021 18:51

Sorry no help but will be following along. I am 4-5 months out since my husband left. I can’t see a way forward at the moment & am worried I never will.

CluelessnotShoeless · 29/01/2021 18:51

How long were you married and do you have children with him?

Original poster
rosesarered2021 · 29/01/2021 18:52

@CluelessnotShoeless it's so hard not to think that he is blissfully happy ! I hate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesarered2021 · 29/01/2021 18:52

26 years and 2 children. He got to OW pregnant 2 months after leaving me.

OP posts:
onthinice · 29/01/2021 18:53

Are you not over him, or not over what he did to you? Those are two different things.

Original poster
rosesarered2021 · 29/01/2021 18:55

It's hard to move on from someone you trusted and how you were with for more than half you life.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2021 18:56

Perhaps you need to look at this with a different perspective. I don't think this is something you ever "get over." You loved him, probably still do in some ways, and he betrayed you massively. How would anyone just get over that? I think you should concentrate on yourself, how you can make any needed improvements, discover old or new things to feel passionate about, and find ways to cope with every day as it comes. You need to give yourself permission to not have to get over this as though it doesn't matter anymore. That's impossible.

CluelessnotShoeless · 29/01/2021 18:59

Do you know that he’s blissfully happy though? Do you children tell you that or other acquaintances?

Eeeemac · 29/01/2021 19:00

Absolutely no one is blissfully happy, it is a phrase caught up in your head to torture yourself with. Stop indulging it.

You are free, free! Spread your wings and fly.

Eskarina1 · 29/01/2021 19:05

I was seeing a counselor for a very different issue but similar in that I wasn't getting "over it". She suggested what she called a pleasure and distraction project which was basically a plan for things I wanted to change - new skills I wanted to learn or projects. It ranged from the boring (creating a spreadsheet to track my finances) to learning dressmaking and making new clothes. Every time I started thinking about this thing, of start planning a new dress in my head or try to remember french seams. I know it sounds silly but it gave my head somewhere else to go. I wasn't ok, but I was feeling ok more of the time.

category12 · 29/01/2021 19:11

Have you dated?

CagneyNYPD · 29/01/2021 19:15

Perhaps it is healthier to think of it as part of the grief process. That this isn't something to be "got over". But it can be accepted. And once acceptance happens, you can begin to heal and move on.

You had a very long marriage. A life together. His actions changed the future you thought you were going to have. You have every right to be deeply hurt and to grieve for the marriage you had and the future he ripped away from you.

But holding onto this hurt will only damage you in the long run.

onthinice · 29/01/2021 19:16

It helped me to think of our marriage differently. I used to believe I was married to a man who shared my perspective on marriage, family and working through problems, fully trusted him and believed everything he said about me being the love of his life, the kids being the most important thing to him etc etc.

Now, I realise, his idea of marriage and family was based on his experiences of it when he was growing up. What I mean is, we sometimes assume other people think the same way we do, so wjen they tell us they love us, we know we feel that way about them so assume their feelings match our own. When we believe family is the most important thing and they tell us they do too, we believe they feel as deeply about that as we do. But some people just don't actually feel these things on the same level. I truely believe this is the case between me and my ex husband. He spent 14 years telling me I was his everything, and within 2 weeks of us separating he was in a serious relationship (yes I realise they must have been together before though he's never admitted it!) and married her almost as soon as our divorce came through. Had a baby with her now as well.

People thought I'd be devastated (I was at first) but as soon as he married her I had a sudden realisation :he just doesn't think of marriage, family etc as being that important. How could he if he was marrying someone he hardly knew, straught after leaving such a long and committed relationship. Perhaps you can look at it that way, that if your ex can move on so quickly he really doesn't take commitment seriously and is therfore not the man you thought. It sucks, especially when you've got kids together and also when it's been a long marriage, but it's better to find out so you can move on with your life. Sorry for the long reply.

Original poster
rosesarered2021 · 29/01/2021 19:50

@onthinice - that's really good advice ! Thank you!

OP posts:
eightxmaspaws · 29/01/2021 22:25

Make a list of the things that you really value and appreciate in life/partner that your ex didn’t have or give you.
So.. say you really love tennis, or you really love cooking or that you love people who make you laugh a lot or hug a lot or whatever, it’s your list.
And then try chatting to people online who match up to those things.
Not looking for perfect. Just to find areas that remind you that your ex wasn’t actually 100% match in heaven

Ardvark111 · 29/01/2021 22:34

You know the old saying * if you cant beat them join them,!! 😉 we only get 1 shot at life,!!

CagneyNYPD · 29/01/2021 22:39

@onthinice - that's possibly one of the best pieces advice I've seen on here for a vv long time (old timer, recent name changer, naice ham, beaker etc etc).

onthinice · 30/01/2021 09:52

@CagneyNYPD most days I take my own advice myself 😂 Some days though I still wake up with a burning rage about what he's done to me. Those days are very few and far between now though. I'm off to screenshot my post now so I can reread it like a mantra next time I want to murder him 😂

Mumoftwoinprimary · 30/01/2021 10:06

[quote CagneyNYPD]@onthinice - that's possibly one of the best pieces advice I've seen on here for a vv long time (old timer, recent name changer, naice ham, beaker etc etc).[/quote]
I agree. It was excellent advice.

yetmorecrap · 30/01/2021 10:50

A counsellor once told me that it’s a good trick to be able to compartmentalise life, so don’t think of it as being crapped on and he has his happy ever after, think of it that you had a good relationship that’s come to an end , he was your right man for that time and he has now set you free to find another ‘you’ . Things you maybe couldn’t do before you now can and you too may get another relationship if you wish that can be as good if not better, but just different.

SoledOut · 30/01/2021 13:59

I wonder if going to counsellors is the right thing?
I would hit it hard with a qualified psychiatrist and get their help for a short period. They will be able to un-ravel why you feel you can't move on (clue: it will stem from your childhood/informative years).
Then once you understand why you have reacted the way you have you can let go of the past and move on.

Take it from a divorcee who took a long time to attempt dating, my god the first time you get under another man you fancy/are interested in, you will forget every single thing about your ex!

Of course I have regrets that my ex and I weren't life-long partners and got to live the happily ever after, but I think of my life as acts, each part to be enjoyed and lived until it's time for curtain down.

billy1966 · 30/01/2021 17:44

I agree too.

Very wise and very helpful advice @onthinice.

And so obvious now that you have laid it out so well👏

OP,
So sorry for you.
How awful for you.

Following on from @onthinice I also imagine you are terribly disappointed in him.
When you love and admire someone over a long time, it must be awful to realise he REALLY wasn't who you thought he was.

So indeed, in accepting he most certainly isn't the man you thought he was, even less reason to continue to grieve for him.

I always also feel hugely for children in this situation. Your husband's selfishness will never be forgotten by them, and will most likely be judged harshly, the older they get.

Wishing you the bestFlowers

LifeMovesOn · 30/01/2021 18:01

This is a fantastic description of my situation (although he’s verb through countless fiancé’s since then and sadly treats our grown up daughter like a second class citizen compared to his latest new family.

user1481840227 · 30/01/2021 18:14

Counselling may have only been able to take you so far. You might be better off going to a therapist who can help deal with obsessive thinking or perhaps EMDR which can help you deal with the trauma that you experienced.

IvyWoodcock · 31/01/2021 09:26

Some amazing advice on this thread.

I’m so sorry OP. I have really began to see things as short term and live in the moment, like chapters in a book. Try not to view your marriage as failed, it had run its course xxx Flowers

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