Is this a deal breaker?

[Justsaying35]

I'm not to sure what to do. This situation is looming in the future of my relationship. I'm a new ftm mum to a 2 month old and dealing with my own set of issues following on from a traumatic pregnancy and birth. Anyways...

Me and dp havent really had sex in coming up to a year now. My pregnancy was hard as my baby was on the bigger side and not only that I just didnt feel comfortable or right having sex with a baby inside me. Over the entire span of my pregnancy we only had sex twice. I was expecting things to go back to normal after the birth but that was before I knew i was going to undergo surgery and trauma.

The problem here is that since it's been so long and I've become complacent with the situation. I dont crave or want sex for many reasons. first off I'm breastfeeding so my boobs are a strict no zone, and leaking isnt the most attractive of things to get things going. The idea of my insides literally still sewing together puts me off. Our baby sleeps with us so its not like we have any privacy to do anything and just in myself I dont feel my most attractive or fittest physically and mentally, I've still got a long way to in recovering and feeling normal again. Obviously my partner is all reared up and ready to go. He has been patiently waiting throughout my pregnancy and now the time has come he has made it very clear he is frustrated with the circumstances. I hate the pressure its creating on me. He may not be doing it deliberately, I understand he is allowed to feel how he wants as much as me but us not being on the same level has caused me to feel like that. I've openly told him I dont see sex on the cards for a long while, maybe not ever. I've realised I'm quite happy the way things are. He says were more like friends than a couple and that hurts because it's made me aware of how important sex is for him.

I've already told him if he needs to go else where then I would understand as it's not fair on him nor do I expect him to stay if this relationship isnt fulfilling for him. We both dont want to make any rash decisions after just bringing a child into the world but I know this is a ticking time bomb waiting to happen. I also dont want to end up doing things because I feel like "I have to" to make my partner happy. If I'm to be intimate again I want it to be natural and from a place of wanting instead of needing to. Its not like were not affectionate. We kiss here and there and cuddle all the time. But the constant attempts of sex on his behalf is becoming daunting for me. Are we facing a dead end here? I dont want to have to leave a relationship over this. I want what's best for my dd. Please help!

It is still very early days after your birth - they generally say to wait at least 6 weeks after birth, anyway. It's not unreasonable to want more time.

But I've openly told him I dont see sex on the cards for a long while, maybe not ever. and talking in terms of him going elsewhere for sex are pretty huge things to present him with.

I know how you feel. We weren't allowed to have sex during my pregnancies and after the last thing you want is anything going near that area.

My husband's birthday is close to both the kids' birthdays. Both times his birthday was the first time we had sex after birth. I'll be honest I wasn't massively in the mood but it was his birthday so I just got on with it. To be clear I was comfortable to have sex and physically ready it just took some effort on my side to be bothered.

I'm glad I did because once we got going it was good fun. We were quiet as baby was next to us in his crib.

You need to use lots of lube and contraception though

I have had 2 children, both with trauma and surgery afterwards. (4th degree tear both times)

It is painful the first time, I won't lie to you. I didn't particularly feel "in the mood" either. Having a newborn baby is exhausting, the breast feeding and leaking boobs are uncomfortable too. We did wait 3 months after each child, and I'm glad we waited until I felt a bit more human!

It will take several attempts to get used to it again if you've been through surgery etc in the same way I did. But there's nothing to say you won't enjoy it again. I'd say it's too soon to write it off now OP. Give yourself some more time, explain to DP and hope that he understands. Don't pressure yourself, and if you drink, I'd thoroughly recommend a glass of something before you try just to calm the nerves!

You have every right in the world to feel this way and not want to have sex. Obviously, he has every right not to want to be in a relationship with you any more if you’re ruling sex off the table forever - I know that’s be a deal deal for me and probably for most people. What I would say though, is that you’re still pumped with hormones after giving birth, feeling exhausted and unlike yourself. This doesn’t mean you’ll feel like this forever OP! I wouldn’t be throwing in the towel just yet. He’s bound to feel frustrated if you’re making suggestions this could be forever.. could you instead try together to talk and work on things? Could you improve intimacy in ways you both feel comfortable with for now? Baths together, more kissing, massages.. whatever you feel ok with to see if that sparks something in you. Try to get more rest and time to yourself too, You’ll never feel up for sex if you’re overtired/ not sleeping properly/ stressed out and run ragged with a new baby. Make sure you’re sharing the load as far as possible, showering, using all your normal products (doing hair/ makeup / moisturiser - whatever is normal for you) and that you feel yourself. Your relationship is worth investing your time and energy into and making time for yourself and for you both as a couple is important when you become new parents. Things may well improve over time and over the next few weeks, months and years you may well grow interested in your sex lite again. Whether or not he’ll eventually leave over this, nobody can really say apart from him . I guess it comes down to how long you’ll feel like this and how long he’s prepared to wait. It’s definitely not uncommon for new mums to feel like this though, don’t write yourself off just yet. I hope you manage to sort things out together.

Aww bless you,it's still early days,I think what happens to our body's during pregnancy and after the birth doesn't do much for confidence either(I felt like it been hit by a bus for weeks),I think it was about four months after when we did the deed it got better after that but the first time was daunting,also talk to your GP I had a bit of depression xx

I think how you’re feeling lots of new mums can relate to. Sex isn’t something I wanted to do for a very long time after birth. However, if I was your husband I’d be thinking you were telling me you never want to ever again and that’s where you need to be careful. Sex is really important not just the act itself but the intimacy and connection it brings.
If I were you I’d have a conversation with him he needs to understand it’s perfectly normal and work on being intimate with you both agreeing to sex being off the table for now. That way you won’t feel pressured and he knows the expectations.
For me when my partner did things for me with no expectations of anything back made me want to be intimate. Be kind to yourself but don’t feel cross at him he loves you and wants to make love to you, he wants the intimacy and connection.

@category12 I think I say that to him as a response to his constant comments and remarks about our lack of sense simply because I'm tired of hearing about it and I'm honestly starting to feel like if he needs to go elsewhere to put an end to the subject then so be it!

@Ghostella I totally agree with you that if I felt more myself maybe the feeling of wanting to be more intimate would follow. I hardly have time for a shower now let alone doing my hair or put on makeup. 99 percent of the time I'm in the same joggers with baby sick down me, hair not brushed in a messy bun and big bags under my eyes with spots from the hormones. So when my partner makes a move I just cant get into it at all. I need some time to be me first! I'm also having to still wear special underwear for my section wound which I cant say is the most flattering either.

Thanks all for the responses. It seems by the sounds of most of the replies lots of us poor women just end up biting the bullet and attempting to get back into the motions when we feel somewhat ready and not necessarily a hundred percent into it. I know that with sex the more you do it the more likely you are to want it but that was precisely what I was trying to avoid! I dont want those begruding first 5 tries before it starts to feel like a mutually wanted thing. I think the really issue I have here is trying to figure out if I even ever want sex at all anymore, and if I dont is if only with dp or with everyone. I just feel like ontop of all the stress of a newborn sex should not be adding to it like this, no wonder I'm starting to have a negative outlook to it.

@Twizbe my dp birthday is coming up soon as he has asked that we do things.... I will try to make his day as lovely and special as possible but I dont think sex is something you can request like that! I'm not a service I'm a partner

Difficult situation. It's perfectly normal to feel this way during pregnancy, and post birth. I think sex is furthest from a lot of peoples minds at this point! Presumably u have no problem with him masturbating? I think, for time being, this is a healthy arrangement. Understandably, if you don't gain any kind of sex drive or sexual interest in him a long way into the future (say a couple of years from now), then it might be time to think again. But for now I think that there is still hope for the relationship, and sexual desire may return in time. I'm not saying this to pressure you, it's perfectly fine if it doesn't, and then you will probably have to talk again. But for now don't assume that you will always feel this way.

Honestly? I’d say that the reason that no sex ever again sounds blissful is because your partner is an uncaring sex pest.

He looks at you, tired, no time for self care, knowing you are physically still healing and his response isn’t to run you a bath and arrange times that he’s got the baby so you can start to have time to yourself and stop feeling as if you’ve been hit by a truck, but to whine that you don’t want him rutting on you?

Selfishness is utterly unattractive.

Even thinking that him going elsewhere sounds like a ok solution says it all. You really, really are on the brink of being over this relationship. I can see why.

@YoniAndGuy thing is he has great in some ways, but in others really lacking. And I think the sexual advances and constant humping like I'm a sex doll is annoying and just not the way to get someone in the mood. I think the problem is in a relationship people feel entitled and expect sex from
their partner's simply because they are together and forget that's not how it works. I dont just want sex on cue to when my partner wants it, there needs to be some romance leading up to it, not just some hand fondling when I'm trying to get to sleep.

I think I had sex 2 weeks after my first baby and had my daughter 10 months after him. I don't remember it hurting to be honest.

2 months is really no time at all and I would suggest counselling if you had a traumatic birth.

@MaLarkinn I wouldnt even know where to start with getting counselling during a pandemic

If you have had a traumatic birth, 2 months is really not a long time at all. It was 6 months with my first before I even remotely felt up to it, and even then it was sore the first few times and I really had to talk myself into it. It's easy to feel like you could do without if you've gone without for so long - in my experience, once we started doing stuff again I remembered that I enjoyed it and was glad I had encouraged myself to do it.

I think its super early days to be talking about never wanting sex again or having him look elsewhere. I think I would have an open conversation and let your partner know that you're not ready, and that him pushing it is making it worse. See if he can accept that.

I think the problem is in a relationship people feel entitled and expect sex from their partner's simply because they are together and forget that's not how it works

Er, no, they don't.

Misogynistic twats who see women as a collection of holes that can also cook and hoover do that. Decent men - people - most certainly do not.

There's no way I'd be able to respect and love my husband if he treated me like that just after I'd given birth, the most difficult, the most vulnerable time.

He didn't, though. Because he is a normal nice man who is my friend and supporter, we didn't have sex for ages because we were BOTH shattered, adjusting to the baby, me healing - OUR lives changed completely. It never even came up for ages.

If he'd been sat on the sofa, utterly unchanged, whining that I wasn't putting out at that time in our lives - I think I would have just looked at him in disgust and wondered if I'd ever really known him.

@YoniAndGuy

Honestly? I’d say that the reason that no sex ever again sounds blissful is because your partner is an uncaring sex pest.

He looks at you, tired, no time for self care, knowing you are physically still healing and his response isn’t to run you a bath and arrange times that he’s got the baby so you can start to have time to yourself and stop feeling as if you’ve been hit by a truck, but to whine that you don’t want him rutting on you?

Selfishness is utterly unattractive.

Even thinking that him going elsewhere sounds like a ok solution says it all. You really, really are on the brink of being over this relationship. I can see why.

This. No wonder you don't want to have sex with someone who is treating you like a vending machine.

@YoniAndGuy after a talk where I laid it all out on the table the most he could say was "I know it's still too early for you to want sex but the reason why I kept going on about it is because i felt like you was being distant with me since your in a bad place mentally" I dont know what's worse, the fact that he realises how down I am but that was his approach or the fact that he is aware its way too early to even consider sex but is still persisting.

thinking back on it I'm pretty sure I've had a similar problem with him before in the beginning of our relationship so now I dont know whether to even believe that he generally misses my closeness or if that's just a cover up and sex is his main concern about everything, even over me and my emotions.

i must be the only one who is feeling some sympathy for your husband.

@Sunflower1970 may I ask why? I doubt your the only one...I know I've been pushing away since I've got pregnant. I haven't had the easiest of pregnancy and so I guess as my mental health has decreased so has my desire to be physical. But I assume everyone knows the two go hand in hand and I expected more understanding and patience from my dp which I dont feel I'm in the wrong for

I feel sorry for both of you. You for having a traumatic birth, and sounds like dealing with enormous stress tiredness and exhaustion.

Him - I feel sorry for feeling rejected.

Its 2 months?!?!

Two months? Six months 1 year, it's no time at all compared to a lifetime. You need time to heal

I don't think you're at all wrong not wanting sex. I winced just reading your post.

I think that if this turns into a big win/lose stand off, that in itself might well threaten your relationship long term and you need to be aware of that. There are ways of being intimate without sex and it's the intimacy you need to preserve.

Early days though. I think you both need to be patient and try and understand things from each other's point of view.