Dealing with insecurity in relationships - please be kind!

[Namechanging5678]

Right I’ve had to name change for this as I’m predicting I will be roasted but I could really do with some practical advice on dealing with insecurity.
I have been been with DP for 1.5 years, living together, hugely in love, very happy and feeling so lucky etc.
He is wonderful, treats me very well. Unfortunately I have a lot of issues around insecurity from my past, several abusive relationships, one of which I ended up in refuge with a 15 month old. I also experienced rape by a relative of a friend at the beginning of our relationship, that I feel has impacted on my self view.
I recognise I sound juvenile and jealous but I want to change this.
I have a constant fear of infidelity, that he will grow bored of me and that I won’t be enough for him.
It’s started to make me miserable and shamefully I have stalked his IG and messages for validation of this fear.
I have talked to him about this and apologised for my behaviour and he’s understanding but I’m worried I will push him away.
Trouble is I keep coming across things and it’s making me feel even worse. The other week it was a message I saw that he’d sent his friend about ‘Korean birds being hot ’ and then today I had a look at FKA twigs page and I saw he had ‘liked’ all the photos and videos of her half naked, on a pole in just a thong... My heart sank and it’s made me feel like shit.
It’s ok for him to look at things like this and to openly ‘like’ them isn’t it?
I don’t want to lose him, so how to I deal with my insecurity and learn to be ok with him looking at other women?
Please be kind if you can, I’m mortified by my behaviour and want to do something about it.

It's not you. It's him. You're fine. He is not. Be kind to yourself and trust your instincts. Because you are processing such massive trauma.

Thanks your reply. I recognise I’ve experienced a lot that could effect my world view. I have had a lot of therapy though which has helped, of course some issues will still linger. Genuinely he is a wonderful guy, I haven’t seen anything to suggest that he is speaking to other women etc it’s just I suppose he is a bloke and will still find other women attractive. Social media is awful for making this all the more obvious. I am honestly so happy in my relationship, just jot with my insecurity.

Hi. I'm massively insecure but I still feel that this behaviour would make the most secure woman feel just awful. I'm struggling with my own demons a bit so am wary of giving a point of view that is too obscured by this. But the best I can say to you is trust your gut. Always. And if this makes you unhappy then it's not acceptable. And it's ok to feel like that. That doesn't make you insecure. It makes you human.

Oh I really felt for you after reading your post. It's so hard going into a new relationship after only knowing abusive ones. I've struggled hugely with it but my DP would never like half naked woman's photos of them on a pole??!! Cor I hope not anyway. I do have to make a conscious effort to not go looking for things though. So my DP let's me have access to his phone as he doesn't want me to think he has anything to hide, but I've never gone through his phone. I think the fact that your partner liked those photos is disrespectful and that's regardless of insecurities.

Hmm yes I certainly don’t feel comfortable with it but sometimes I can’t tell the difference between rational thought and what’s trauma influenced. Does it matter that she is a musician/artist and so perhaps can be viewed differently in that way?

If you have IG take a look at her page and let me know what you think? My heart is literally racing so fast, feel so panicked it’s ridiculous 😣

Her page seems fairly innocuous to me although maybe if you scroll down there’s more naked pictures

It is anyway, up to you where you draw boundaries and if it isn’t ok with you then it’s not ok

I don’t think he’s doing anything that heinous personally but you should feel safe and loved in a relationship and not jealous or insecure

He's disrespectful towards women. He's not a good man.

Hi OP. I’ve very recently left an abusive relationship. In the beginning, I was scrolling through Instagram one day and came across a pic of a previous Love Island contestant (in underwear) which he’d liked. My heart sank but I HAD to see what else he was “liking”. I looked at who he was following on IG and there were accounts called things like “beautiful Asian babes” and “hot tattooed chicks”. He also followed celebs such as Maya Jama and others who frequently posted half naked pics. He literally hit like on everything these women posted and it made me feel like utter shit. So I brought it up with him and he agreed that it wasn’t something he should be doing whilst in a relationship and he unfollowed. However, that’s when the tide turned and he began being controlling of me and got jealous of any sort of interaction I had with males. It got much, much worse for me and I ended it. I’m not saying that your relationship will also become abusive but my advice is to not ignore red flags, and to know that it is your absolute right to have boundaries such as disliking this behaviour, and ending the relationship if it doesn’t align with your values. I’m still in the very early days of working on my self worth but know that you’re not alone

Just to add... I wouldn’t be okay with him liking the pics of FKA Twigs on the pole - I follow her so I know which ones you mean. The truth is that we all still feel attracted to people, even when in relationships. But IMO “liking” a seductive pic on social media is equivalent to taking a double glance of a hot girl in a restaurant. This man is not respectful of you, or your relationship.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding, it wasn’t what I was expecting to be honest. I think I need to speak to him about what I’m comfortable and not comfortable with. I’m a bit worried he’ll be upset with me as I’ve only just apologised for looking at things on his phone but if I don’t say something it will eat at me.

@LanaLielaLie also wanted to say I’m sorry for what you went through and well done on getting out.

Why would any grown man need to 'like' the photos of a celeb? Hardly likely that she's going to follow him as a result, is it?

Also, any man who calls women 'birds' (never mind the racial slur) is not a keeper.

It's him. Not you.

Don't go digging because you will always find something. Honestly, I couldn't be with someone who uses social media the way your partner does. I'm not that insecure but if I saw things like that, I'd have to leave. There's no point talking to him because it goes deeper for him, he'll see it as you have snooped on him and men treasure their privacy massively. You had no right going through his messages. If you really want to stay with him, it's now time to work on yourself. It's time to genuinely look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself your beautiful and you are whole, by yourself. He is just an addition to your life.

@Sarahlou63 agreed - mine also used the term ‘birds’ 🤦🏻‍♀️

And it seems like he has the control in the relationship because you are worried about upsetting HIM. Gain control back, show him with your confidence, new hobbies, new look that HE is lucky to have you abs any man will snatch you up. You are with him out of want not need!

Oh god... I really wasn’t expecting this. I am honestly so in love with him, I really have no intention of leaving him BUT you are right I need to express what my boundaries are and also continue to work on my self esteem. He has said he isn’t the type of guy who goes looking at porn and all that type of male bravado BS which is why I think these incidents shocked me.

Sorry OP but if he’s openly liking provocative pics of women on IG then it’s highly unlikely that he doesn’t look at porn too.

I don't think the comment he made to his friend was bad at all. Thats like me saying my friend that all italian men are handsome. In my opinion its harmless.

As for liking the photos. I'm torn. Have you told him that you don't like this behaviour? Because I see it as the same thing as porn. Some woman are okay with their DP/DH watching porn, and others aren't. Similarly, some women are okay with their DP/DH following celebs and like their photos and some aren't. You need to actively set the boundary. IF he continues to do it after you've told him you don't like it, thats when it becomes a problem.

You need to communicate your needs/boundaries OP.

I feel devastated... I’m meant to be at work and I can’t stop crying. I believe he is a good person and partner, I have had enough of the bad ones to know but that he may not be aware of how his actions could negatively impact on me.

@autumnalrain you are right about the communication. I need to make that clear, I’m hopeful once I express this that he will take this into account.

He has shown you who he really is.

Let this be an indication of how he feels about you and the relationship.

You let him have freedom and he has shown you what he likes to do, look a photos of women and 'like' them.

What he does is the reflection of how he feels about you and the relationship.

Men are THAT simple.

He knows you're not a confident, strong, independent woman. He knows you have no self esteem because honey if did, he would be scared to lose you. He would do everything in his power to make sure you never have to feel insecure again.

I think you should have a long hard think about if this is how you imagined your ideal relationship, husband, future.

Be careful. I came out of a marriage where my exH cheated (but this was only one of our issues). I met my current boyfriend. He was horrified about my exH cheating and would say, he'd never do it. He has been super loving and caring. Yet I felt uneasy and insecure about him scrolling through other women's photos, or having banter with some. He would say he's just a man and I am being insecure. Well in the end my gut feeling was right- he did cheat in the past and while with me and in fact was worse than my exH. He shouted loud how he wouldn't but he did. Trust your gut feeling!!!!

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. I want to believe with every part of me that my DP is not like that. He is kind and loving in every way and has cared for me through some very difficult circumstances. I’m hoping so much that it was more of a lapse in thinking and judgement. My anxiety is through the roof and feel won’t settle until I speak with him.