Dealing with insecurity in relationships - please be kind!

[Namechanging5678]

Right I’ve had to name change for this as I’m predicting I will be roasted but I could really do with some practical advice on dealing with insecurity.
I have been been with DP for 1.5 years, living together, hugely in love, very happy and feeling so lucky etc.
He is wonderful, treats me very well. Unfortunately I have a lot of issues around insecurity from my past, several abusive relationships, one of which I ended up in refuge with a 15 month old. I also experienced rape by a relative of a friend at the beginning of our relationship, that I feel has impacted on my self view.
I recognise I sound juvenile and jealous but I want to change this.
I have a constant fear of infidelity, that he will grow bored of me and that I won’t be enough for him.
It’s started to make me miserable and shamefully I have stalked his IG and messages for validation of this fear.
I have talked to him about this and apologised for my behaviour and he’s understanding but I’m worried I will push him away.
Trouble is I keep coming across things and it’s making me feel even worse. The other week it was a message I saw that he’d sent his friend about ‘Korean birds being hot ’ and then today I had a look at FKA twigs page and I saw he had ‘liked’ all the photos and videos of her half naked, on a pole in just a thong... My heart sank and it’s made me feel like shit.
It’s ok for him to look at things like this and to openly ‘like’ them isn’t it?
I don’t want to lose him, so how to I deal with my insecurity and learn to be ok with him looking at other women?
Please be kind if you can, I’m mortified by my behaviour and want to do something about it.

Oh I hope you're okay! Every one has different boundaries of things that they'd be okay with. With my DP I made it clear what my boundaries were. Yes, a lot of guys would've run a mile after that conversation but I didn't want things to come up later on and him say "oh but you're wrong, what I'm doing is normal". And it wasn't a controlling set of demands of anything, just things I don't think are okay to do when you're in a relationship. I'd spent 10 years with my ex saying all sorts and that I was "crazy". Yes, you have insecurities. Most women that have had abusive relationships do, and sometimes it's difficult to know whether you're feeling irrational or not. Just talk to him, I'm sure he'll understand!

Thanks @Jumpers268 - you are right these conversations are awkward and uncomfortable but so important. I’m sure he will be understanding 😣

"Korean birds" has a racist undercurrent to it. I know a lot of men would class that as unthinking banter but reducing women to their ethnicity has weird fetishising connotations to me.

FKA Twigs is cool, is he a fan of her music? She has amazing style too. I can't imagine checking up on DP's social media likes. Roll your eyes and take the piss out of him for it, like "do you really think she'll notice you?"

@Namechanging5678 how did it go?? I hope you're feeling better?

"I recognise I sound juvenile and jealous but I want to change this."

Apologies but I haven't RTFT - you have been through so much, I wish you the best with your relationship but want to say that you are incredibly strong and I hope you realise how resilient you are.

but reducing women to their ethnicity has weird fetishising connotations to me

I think these comments can be purely light-hearted and absolutely fine, as the other poster said, women often say that italian men are very good-looking / hot - it's just stating the facts, and yes finding fthem attarctive, but come one, would a man get upset about it?
It becomess wrong / upsetting if they neglect their partner for the porn / specific nationaity porn. OP said he is wonderfu to her as a partner.

I don't know how old is he, it'd be dodgy if he's middle-aged liking such photos of someone who could be hid daughter, but if young and has liked some pic that SHE the singer wants people to look at on SM, including her on a pole, then it's not 'disrespectful to women' as someone said - it's fine if he's not wanking to it instead of sleeping with his partner.
Of course if OP tells him honestly that ot upsets her, and then he still does it - then it's not so light-hearted, but let's not throw stones at him before she spoke to him as he may well stop doing this and may apologise once he knows it's upsetting to her (maybe his ex's didn;t mind).

This guy sounds very objectifying of women. At the start of your post you paint him as a dream man but what you've said about his behaviour doesn't correlate with that image at all.

Referring to women as animals - "birds", and then going through online pictures to ogle and like sexualised photos of another woman in just a thong! If it was just normal photos then there's nothing wrong with that, but this is different. I personally wouldn't trust or want a man who viewed women in such a way. YOU'RE enough and he should be feeling lucky to be with you. NEVER settle with a man with a wandering eye.

This thread is ridiculous. This man may be all of things pp have accused him of, or he may not. There is not enough information here to make a judgment either way, yet here we are feeding op's insecurities.

In a private conversation with a friend he said that 'Korean chicks are hot.' So what? No woman has ever said that they're attracted to a particular nationality or type, when talking to a friend?

He liked some IG pictures of a singer-songwriter. She's got 2 million followers. I follow her, and there's nothing sordid about her account.

OP talks about how wonderful this man is and how well he treats her, so how have these two innocuous things trumped all of that?

OP - You shouldn't be reading his private messages. I couldn't live with the level of scrutiny you are placing on him. When you tell him that it's unacceptable to talk to friends about who you fancy, or who to follow on sm, you seek to control him unacceptably imo. You are making him feel like he has done something wrong when he has not.

If a woman posted to say that her dp was cross that she'd mentioned to a friend, in private messages, that she found Italian men very attractive, or that she shouldn't follow, I don't know, Jamie Dornan, on IG, mn would be telling her to get shot of him.

I'd ask your rl friends or family for advice before acting on the advice of mn.

Thank you all so much for your replies.
I think there is truth in much of the input on here.
I spoke to him, unfortunately I was still quite emotional at the time and didn’t articulate myself that well and he felt judged and that I was accusing him of doing something wrong which he feels he hadn’t. Caused quite a lot of upset. Just to give you some context, my DP is a musician himself and so follows lots of other artists - he explained to me that this FKA twigs learnt to pole dance as part of her new album and was very firm with me that he didn’t ‘like’ the post in a sordid way but just more of an appreciation of the art form... I can imagine many eye rolls at this point but other than the Korean birds comment which he already apologised for and I was in the wrong for snooping , there really hasn’t been any other issues like this , other than my own insecurity.
I feel like in all relationships we have a way to go with improving our communication, he recognised he gets on the defensive quite easily and that when I’m upset I can come across as angry.
We have completely made up now. Once everything calmed down I did speak to him about things that make me feel uncomfortable and he heard me and was in agreement.
Relationships are bloody hard work and we all bring our own shit to them. I do feel that even in healthy relationships there will be ongoing unpicking of these issues to be done though.
@Midlilfecrisis37
thank you for the kind words x

@rawlikesushi
I agree with much of what you are saying. I can’t let my insecurity effect my behaviour like that.
Without context and knowing a person I suppose it’s hard to make a judgement when reading information online. I wouldn’t ordinarily just post on here but was looking for practical advice about dealing with insecurity rather than a judgement on my DP.
I didn’t eventually catch up with a friend over the phone who agreed it would make her feel uncomfortable but that knowing my DP he isn’t that ‘type of bloke’ at all.
Calling women birds makes me cringe but when I called him on this he said it on reply to his bloke mate who had said it first and explained it was more in response blokey banter and there wasn’t any actual truth in it.
There are many misogynistic men out there who will justify unreasonable behaviour and expect women to just put up with it but I’m confident my man isn’t one.

Sorry for repetitive use of the word bloke there 😄

Oh OP, I feel you, I have been that girl, feeling those things, and it led me to very dark things during my 20s and 30s. There is nothing wrong with you, you have been through a lot. I am so sorry you feel so shit, and also very sad that you assume you will get roasted when you ask for help.
Please talk to him. If he values your relationship he will stop. If not, you know where you stand. God I hate IG. I was in hell with it too.
Please explain to him how you feel and watch his reaction carefuly. There is nothing wrong with demanding respect from your partner.
I checked out that account. I have no idea who she is. Some posts are coolish, some just trashy. I am sorry he liked the trashy ones, doesn't say a lot about him. But I did notice she has a huge female following and the majority of likes, even on the pole dance posts, were from women. So its not your usual " fitness hoe with tiny thong and see through top posing like a slag with a fake positivity quote." If so many women like her she may have some talent? Did he also like her non naked posts?
Not that its an excuse but would be less icky then.
I am sorry you are in so much pain over this, believe me when I say I know all about those feelings. And let me tell you, they calm down when you find the right man- one that doesn't use IG to thirst.

@GalaKC

Oh OP, I feel you, I have been that girl, feeling those things, and it led me to very dark things during my 20s and 30s. There is nothing wrong with you, you have been through a lot. I am so sorry you feel so shit, and also very sad that you assume you will get roasted when you ask for help. Please talk to him. If he values your relationship he will stop. If not, you know where you stand. God I hate IG. I was in hell with it too. Please explain to him how you feel and watch his reaction carefuly. There is nothing wrong with demanding respect from your partner. I checked out that account. I have no idea who she is. Some posts are coolish, some just trashy. I am sorry he liked the trashy ones, doesn't say a lot about him. But I did notice she has a huge female following and the majority of likes, even on the pole dance posts, were from women. So its not your usual " fitness hoe with tiny thong and see through top posing like a slag with a fake positivity quote." If so many women like her she may have some talent? Did he also like her non naked posts? Not that its an excuse but would be less icky then. I am sorry you are in so much pain over this, believe me when I say I know all about those feelings. And let me tell you, they calm down when you find the right man- one that doesn't use IG to thirst.

Using language like hoe and slag is pretty grim. Especially coming from a woman. It perpetuates sexism and misogyny. I appreciate you are being supportive of OP but I think it's important to recognise the language used by both men and women in conversations about women.

Hi op. I'm glad that you spoke to him and that it is resolved and you feel better.

But surely it is only a matter of time before something like this happens again?

I was struck by the fact that you asked mn for advice and after just a few replies, some of which said that it wasn't that bad, you were saying things like 'oh god I wasn't expecting this' and talking about feeling devastated and that you couldn't stop crying.

I really don't think it's a good idea to set such store by what a load of internet randoms advise. This board in particular can be like an echo chamber sometimes.

I'm no expert, and am just another internet random, but in your shoes I would stop snooping on his private communications, seek counselling and strengthen my support network of friends so that I had rl advice from people who knew me, and knew him too.

And next time you tell a friend you used to fancy Gary Barlow, or that you love an Irish accent, or that French men are gorgeous or whatever, just remember that it this sort of conversation with friends is entirely normal.

All these people saying he’s not a good man - it’s normal to be attracted to the opposite sex. Why can’t he look at pictures of other women? Why does everything has to be sanitised these days? You shouldn’t be invading his privacy and micromanaging his private stuff. You are in a great relationship, you love each other and it’s unhealthy to be doing what you’re doing. Work on it before all this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Any tips for working on it @Sunflower1970 ? Genuine question - I don’t want my issues to continue to impact on what is something so special to me.

Work on it by getting rid of him and doing the freedom programme.

Thank god for @rawlikesushi I was reading and was horrified
OP please dont convince yourself everything you know about him is wrong and he's some sort of misogynistic arse hole based off a forum where there are so many anti-men it's ridiculous. Equality means equal. Too many want to actually change the balance too far. Hate IG models and interaction but happy to moon over Danny dyer or the latest squeeze. (I'm in my 40s and no idea who the flavour of the month is). End of the day, who cares if he likes pictures of a celeb he is more than likely never going to meet. Same as a women can fantasise about any man she wants, it's a fantasy.
Your past experiences have opened you up to negative emotions and ideas as a default, and the only way you can deal with them is learn how to have faith in your partner. You cannot eliminate everything in the world that makes you uncomfortable and shouldnt. Your partner is with you for you, not because he has no other option. Time will show you the strength of his feelings, but please don't self sabotage in the meantime. Yes speak to him, but ensure that doesn't result in a forced change of behaviour that just eliminates an aspect of life rather than enable you to learn to cope with it. I'm not saying be a door mat, but the more you work on yourself and your own confidence, the easier you will find creating boundaries and dealing with the shit that doesn't really matter. Rather than look to change him, look to help yourself with therapy and belief in your own worth. The rest will come naturally xx

Tips for working on it. Give the guy some privacy and try and refocus your mind to other things. All men look at other women - I look at other men. I’m in a great relationship (just as you are) - try to relax and enjoy it xx

I’m sorry but your new man is full of shit.

He has said he isn’t the type of guy who goes looking at porn and all that type of male bravado BS.

Yeah right

Appreciates FKA’s pole dancing only as an art form and not in a pervy way.

I don’t know how you keep a straight face when he pretends not to be the sleaze he so clearly is.

There’s something masochistic about feeding your insecurities by staying in a relationship with someone whose questionable actions speak a lot louder that his pathetic words.

@MixMatch

This guy sounds very objectifying of women. At the start of your post you paint him as a dream man but what you've said about his behaviour doesn't correlate with that image at all.

Referring to women as animals - "birds", and then going through online pictures to ogle and like sexualised photos of another woman in just a thong! If it was just normal photos then there's nothing wrong with that, but this is different. I personally wouldn't trust or want a man who viewed women in such a way. YOU'RE enough and he should be feeling lucky to be with you. NEVER settle with a man with a wandering eye.

I bet you’re single

I am sorry to hear what you've been through, you are extremely strong to have come out the other side. I personally have a huge problem with Instagram and am thinking about deleting it. I went on my boyfriend's Instagram and they seem to target him with all sorts of 'hot girl' content. (Or he is just into that without me knowing!) I got crazy and checked to see whose posts he likes, who likes his posts etc and the whole thing just made me feel worthless and bitter. We live in a patriarchal system and things are not equal. Because of the experiences you have been put through this will seem even more stark to you. He should try and understand this if he cares about you.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I get what you are saying, and I respect your point of view... but I have been through some incredibly difficult times in the past due to that type of women ( and the type of moron boyfriend I had a the time, let's be frank here) and I will openly say to anyone I detest them. They have no respect from me it all, and so my language when referring to them will get a bit heated when I watch them hurt yet another innocent woman who doesn't go around selling herself like them. Calling them just " hot girls" or even " models" is glorifying prostitution. They are what they are. They do not sell clothes or any other products other than tits and arse, and the hundreds of posts about it even here on MN speak volumes about the very real harm they cause in relationships and in women's mental health. I find it all pretty repulsive, and they will never have my respect.