Page 2 | Being called a Good Girl?

Lullaby88 · 2021-01-28T21:16:26+00:00

Would you be offended if you were a 33 year old woman and someone who was an aunty called you a good girl for doing something? It kind of annoys me but dont know if im being too sensitive?

sammylady37 · 29/01/2021 06:21

@Lullaby88

Ok to be exact, it was MIL and my daughter had lost her toy I found it and she ran to tell my MIL mummy had found it. And my MIL said thanks Mummy Good girl Mummy good girl Mummy 3 times. I was fuming and feel like ringing her and telling her off. But now im thinking am I being a bit crazy maybe she didnt mean it badly?

So, she uses a phrase which can be patronising and infantilising about you (not directly to you) and your response is to think about ringing her to ‘tell her off’ which is what parents do to their children, so equally infantilising?

sammylady37 · 29/01/2021 06:23

@Lullaby88

Maybe, iv never discussed this with anyone. I do think it's because she called me a good girl directly once years ago and its haunted me to this day. And it may make me see her in a bad light.. i did a simple task of helping a family member, i was new in the family and she said 'good girl' the family member looked at me and asked if i was ok as i mustv looked quite horrified or they thought it was ridiculous she said it but being so new in the family i felt i should let it slide. Mayb these feelings come from that dark place. But how do i let that go? I think i struggle around her a lot but i cant keep going on like this. Iv ignored her since lockdown as i always feel she will say something offensive or il take it badly on phone/facetime. I just blank her. She also hasnt made a huge effort to reach out to me. Itl b very awkward seeing her post covid. As the family are quite tight knit i will b seeing her regardless.

Talking about a throwaway remark made once years ago as ‘haunting’ you and leaving you in ‘a dark place’ is completely over the top.

It doesn’t sound like you treat her very well at all, you’re actually quite openly hostile to her.

tigerlily20 · 29/01/2021 07:17

@Lullaby88

Maybe, iv never discussed this with anyone. I do think it's because she called me a good girl directly once years ago and its haunted me to this day. And it may make me see her in a bad light.. i did a simple task of helping a family member, i was new in the family and she said 'good girl' the family member looked at me and asked if i was ok as i mustv looked quite horrified or they thought it was ridiculous she said it but being so new in the family i felt i should let it slide. Mayb these feelings come from that dark place. But how do i let that go? I think i struggle around her a lot but i cant keep going on like this. Iv ignored her since lockdown as i always feel she will say something offensive or il take it badly on phone/facetime. I just blank her. She also hasnt made a huge effort to reach out to me. Itl b very awkward seeing her post covid. As the family are quite tight knit i will b seeing her regardless.

Girl! if this is what haunts you, you've got an easy life, babe. Chin up, maybe cut contact if you can't put some respect on her name, but don't be petty and stop letting her see dgc if she really loves her and is good to her.

Dery · 29/01/2021 08:32

I’m not surprised she hasn’t made a huge effort to reach out - you take offence when she thanks you and praises you. She must feel very confused and feel like she’s walking on eggshells around you.

You began by saying you think you may be being over-sensitive. You’ve said nothing to dispel that impression. It really looks like you are. You’re also being really self-indulgent by nursing bad feeling against your H’s mother and your little girl’s grandmother for such petty reasons. Again, unless I’m missing something, it actually makes you look rather immature. Which makes me wonder - are you significantly younger than your husband or are you and he both very young? Is that the sensitivity? I really can’t see an older person allowing such trivial things to drive a wedge in an important relationship.

I’ll be honest. I think it’s appropriate to make an effort to get on with in laws. Falling out over trivia is a waste of time and energy. No-one’s perfect. My MIL periodically says things that annoy me and vice versa but the good parts of our relationship massively outweigh the niggles and I’m extremely fond of her and she of me.

Some posters have nightmarishly difficult parents and in-laws and that’s a whole different ballgame. Falling out/keeping away/blanking them may well be appropriate.

But that doesn’t sound like it’s the case here.

Imagine 20 years from now - your DD brings home a partner. You compliment the partner and praise them for doing something. They take deep offence and nurture that bad feeling for ever after. How would you feel about that? Because that really appears to be what you’re doing.

mylovelydd · 29/01/2021 08:51

Have you considered that maybe your MIL is clumsy with words and meant no harm in her initial comment about being 'impressed' by you soothing your child? It sounds like she was trying to be nice and you took it the wrong way.
It sounds like you have taken up the default position of MIL = bad and therefore nothing this woman says or does is good enough for you.
The problem I think is with you, not her.
Why don't you like her really?
Because nothing you have written about her sounds bad at all

Regularsizedrudy · 29/01/2021 08:55

...it’s sounds like you’ve been really horrible to her

LubaLuca · 29/01/2021 08:58

My mum sometimes calls me a good girl. Old habits die hard, and she means it kindly.

It is an unusual thing to feel haunted by. She was using simple language to a child. Forget about it.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 29/01/2021 09:00

Sorry OP you don't sound nice at all.
Massive overreaction to her initial comment about the baby settling and now taking offence cos she said good girl.
I just don't think you like her and blanking her is just down right rude. I feel sorry for the poor woman.

IEat · 29/01/2021 09:08

Yes, when I get called a girl my response is always I’m an adult

samanthawashington · 29/01/2021 09:16

@Lullaby88

Ok to be exact, it was MIL and my daughter had lost her toy I found it and she ran to tell my MIL mummy had found it. And my MIL said thanks Mummy Good girl Mummy good girl Mummy 3 times. I was fuming and feel like ringing her and telling her off. But now im thinking am I being a bit crazy maybe she didnt mean it badly?

This was more for your little DDs benefit, so don't be a silly girl 😂😂😂😂

kursaalflyer · 29/01/2021 09:16

So you've ignored her during lockdown and you're annoyed she hasn't made a 'huge effort' to reach out to you? What would you do if the situation was reversed? Poor woman, two or three throw away comments and she's condemned for life.

Ragwort · 29/01/2021 09:20

I think you are massively over reacting, it's just a comment, my DM (88) sometimes makes similar comments to me (I am 63!), I do think her comments are rather patronising and clumsy but I know she is massively proud of me and wants me to know .... things like "well done for cooking the Christmas dinner - it's such a big thing to do, you are a clever girl" when I've been cooking Christmas dinners for 30+ years!!

samanthawashington · 29/01/2021 09:21

Look, you don't like your MIL. Don't try to find niggly little things to justify your dislike. We don't have to love all our relatives, just keep the peace. In 20 years time you'll look back at this and wonder what on earth you were stressing about.

Original poster

Lullaby88 · 29/01/2021 09:36

Thanks everyone for your responses. It really helps me to see through the situation. I have liked her at times and at times I havent for niggly things she says.

Mayb I should be more forgiving about things to her.
Thanks again everyone, I never really saw it through another perspective.

OP posts:

EarthSight · 29/01/2021 09:41

Yep. Patronising, although speaking to your daughter does put it in a different light.

Could have been passive aggressive though if she knew you were within earshot and that it would annoy you.

EarthSight · 29/01/2021 09:44

Although, I think you need to take what she's saying in the overall context of her personality. I think in this case it's probably worth continuing to be friendly and not mention it.

timeforachange33 · 29/01/2021 09:53

I think she's using language/phrases that are perfectly acceptable and the norm for her generation, when she was raising her child/children. It's not her fault that people are so sensitive these days and so easily offended.

Original poster

Lullaby88 · 29/01/2021 10:12

Hmm yes, it could be.. maybe im not used to it as my Mum has never called me a good girl for a longggg time! She uses language that is more adult like towards me and her compliments seem more respectful to someone of my age. But yes MILs will be MILs not Mums who truly love you.

OP posts:

timeforachange33 · 29/01/2021 10:42

But your MIL wasn't talking to you, she was talking to your child and therefore using what she thought was appropriate language without even giving it a second thought.

tigerlily20 · 29/01/2021 10:46

@Lullaby88 where's that last comment come from? I don't see the problem except you're looking for one. Honestly if I have a dil like this is the future I just don't think I could be arsed for it. I'd have to tell her to fuck right off, see if she felt infantilised and patronised by that language.

apalledandshocked · 29/01/2021 10:55

I think, based on what you have said I would not be inclined to see her as a bad person, or a particularly undermining person. Rather as a basically good person (who is I think trying to be nice) but who annoys the hell out of you for some reason. That isnt a criticism, I think most people have someone like that. I had a (genuinely lovely) colleague who would enrage me through fairly innocuous habits. I did manage to cure myself, largely once I understood why she acted the way she did. But I would keep reminding yourself it isnt that shes a bad person. But not everyone can like everyone. I am sure I piss people of too and Im sure you do as well without realising

MMmomDD · 29/01/2021 11:00

OP - you sound not just ‘a little se sensitive’ - you sound totally OTT and highly strung.
And as quite a difficult person to be with.

It’s lockdown. And you haven’t reached out to one of your child’s grandmothers? Is this the sort of values you want to teach your daughter - that it’s normal to ignore elder relatives in the times when we are all isolated and struggling? And what - over some word she said years ago?

I feel terribly sorry for your H to be married to someone who’d treat his parent this way.

You really need to look deeply into yourself and see what unresolved issues are driving this. Are you very insecure? Do you think you need to compete with MIL over you H? Are you possessive over him? Etc.
And also - why you dwell and feel ‘haunted’ over insignificant niggles?

I hope you can find it in yourself to figure things out for the sake of your daughter, just so that she grows up with a healthier relationship with her family....

Tellto · 29/01/2021 15:00

ok your MIL sounds lovely and like she praises you not only to your face but to your daughter.. you are being completely unreasonable

sunnyzweibrucken · 29/01/2021 21:08

ok i'm with @timeforachange33. she was talking to your dd who is young. this wouldn't bother me at all. i used to do the same with my dm and my dd. it wasn't condescending, it was just taking my language down to my daughter's level, if that makes sense.

AnimalLogic · 29/01/2021 21:15

Wouldn't bother me in the context. Sounds like you dislike her though so I doubt anything she said would have been right.

I had a boss who called everyone good girl for doing stuff that was their job. She also said it to clients that came in if she asked them for a card or to fill in a form she'd say good girl as she was given it.... Didn't offend me, it was just her, but it was annoying hearing it all the time given it was said 50 times a day to staff or clients.