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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Visiting a new friend. Am I wrong to feel this way?

27 replies

RantyAnty · 28/01/2021 02:15

A woman and I have been chatting online for several years but haven't had the chance to meet yet. We've helped each other through abusive marriages and divorce.

Neither place we live have any covid restrictions at all so that isn't an issue.

Last month we discuss dates to finally meet and I've booked a ticket to fly up for a week. She has graciously offered to allow me to stay at hers. She messaged the fun things she has planned for us but added in another one of her friends whom I haven't met or chatted with which I found a bit odd but thought well the more the merrier and didn't say anything.

Now she tells me about a children's birthday party during the week I am here for her SDD so I get to meet them too.

Am I being a tit for thinking the week I was coming would be mostly about me and her?

I've only one weekend there and I suspect the birthday party will be on that weekend.

Am I wrong to be a bit disappointed to think the visit would be adult girls get together?

Should I say anything? Cancel the visit? Go and make the best of it even if it really wasn't what I had in mind?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2021 02:29

Will this friend be tagging along during everything you do? If not, is it really that big of a deal to meet one of her friends and spend a couple of hours at a birthday party? You're visiting her home, not going somewhere on holiday together. Her life can't grind to a halt just because you are visiting.

BeanieB2020 · 28/01/2021 02:41

Go. You might enjoy it and make another new friend with her friend coming to things too.

Unless this is a more-than-friends kind of thing? In that case it's too soon to be meeting friends and family. But if you're just friends and there's nothing romantic involved, I don't think there's anything bad about including other people in meetups. You'll have plenty of time to have one on one convos with your friend in evenings while you're staying at her house.

I think you'll regret not going.

fearfulexchange · 28/01/2021 02:43

Go and enjoy yourself, you can always take some time away if things feel like it's getting a bit much.
It sounds to me like she's including you in her everyday life which is lovely you should take it as a compliment.
Maybe explain to her your expectations of the trip so that she understands, she might be planning things so that you have things to do and not get bored!

Original poster

RantyAnty · 28/01/2021 03:03

Thanks for all the replies. Nothing at all romantic about this. Just two women who have been through hell and back with our exs and found each other online.

I've had the social life of a hermit so I'm not sure what is normal or not at this point. I'm isolated to the point of agoraphobia. I knew I could count on mumsnet.

I'll go and enjoy myself. I can see my hesitation is really fear and anxiety.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 28/01/2021 03:39

OP it'll be lovely. You're sharing her home and her world for a few days. I'm sure you'll get plenty of opportunity for chats.

Seafog · 28/01/2021 03:42

I would take it as a sign she feels comfortable with you, and confident enough in your friendship to include you in important things going on in her world.
I hope you go, and have a brilliant time.

fearfulexchange · 28/01/2021 03:58

Good for you op!

BeanieB2020 · 28/01/2021 05:22

@RantyAnty

Thanks for all the replies. Nothing at all romantic about this. Just two women who have been through hell and back with our exs and found each other online.

I've had the social life of a hermit so I'm not sure what is normal or not at this point. I'm isolated to the point of agoraphobia. I knew I could count on mumsnet.

I'll go and enjoy myself. I can see my hesitation is really fear and anxiety.

Glad you'll go! I think you'll have a wonderful time

Malin52 · 28/01/2021 06:04

I think I would also be trying to break the week up with events with other people or there's a lot of pressure on her to entertain and it might get a bit samey. If you are staying over, the evenings are for heart to heart chats with wine surely?

I'd find it weird if she didn't do this TBH. I stay with my best mate in another country for a week and I tag along to all sorts she's got planned with others of her social group.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 28/01/2021 06:20

I don’t think you can expect her to put her entire life on hold for a week, especially a child’s birthday party.

Have you done video / zoom calls with her in the past?

Chiccie · 28/01/2021 06:21

This is normal. Go and enjoy. Sounds lovely. Find out the age of the birthday child and take a small gift. You also need to take a gift for your friend, wine and a hamper of goodies/treats to enjoy in the evenings. Be a generous guest.

Sally2791 · 28/01/2021 06:27

I would just sound a note of caution about meeting essentially a stranger.

ivfbeenbusy · 28/01/2021 06:33

Am I being a tit for thinking the week I was coming would be mostly about me and her?

Yea you sound a bit needy sorry

Amotherlife · 28/01/2021 07:04

I think spending a week with someone you have only previously met online could be quite daunting, if there are no events or other people to break it up. It would be quite intense to chat one on one for that length of time. I sometimes find that hard for a whole day with a very old friend!

I can understand it might feel like she isn't putting you first but on the other hand she is letting you know in advance. Maybe you will enjoy meeting her friends or you could use it as an opportunity to do your own thing for a while?

But definitely go!

gannett · 28/01/2021 08:36

You should definitely go! It'll be a whole week, the birthday party will only be a few hours (hopefully).

If I was visiting a friend in a different city for a week I'd expect to mostly tag along to their social events. I'd cross my fingers that it wouldn't involve a kids' birthday party but... if it did I'd suck it up and go, and hope that the rest of the week would be a lot more fun!

BoneAppleTeaa · 28/01/2021 08:38

Definitely go. I think she’s probably just excited to share her life with someone who means a lot to her (you!)

Kilcaple · 28/01/2021 08:44

Honestly, OP, I know you jokingly say you’re a confirmed hermit, but before I read your subsequent post, I genuinely thought from your tone that this was an at least potentially romantic relationship, and she’d essentially included someone else and a children’s party on your week-long ‘date’,hence your disappointment!

In your shoes, I think I’d be far more worried about a full week, one on one, as the houseguest of someone you’ve never actually met in person, and whether that’s too long and too pressured for the first time you meet one another — I think it’s an excellent idea to mix it up with other friends and activities!

Sunshineandflipflops · 28/01/2021 08:54

Do you have kids too? Will they be going with you?

It's hard when you have kids to just have a 'week off' so I would expect to be fitting in with her plans for the most part, with some time for the two of you to chat when kids are in bed.

Maybe she's nervous about entertaining you for a while week so has included a friend.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 28/01/2021 09:36

Has your chatting been messaging online, or has it included phone / zoom / FaceTime chats?

I have been on meet ups where the person in RL was very different to how they were in written messages.

A week staying in someone’s house is very intense.

I trust you have let someone know all the details of where you are going?

janaus50s · 28/01/2021 11:23

Remember your friend is probably feeling a bit nervous and anxious too. It will be fine. Enjoy your time.

Original poster

RantyAnty · 31/01/2021 10:27

Sorry I haven't updated.

There is absolutely nothing at all romantic about this.

To answer the questions. We're older and our children are grown and don't live at home anymore. We both live alone.

The party is for a step-grandchild.

So she messages me to say that she and 3 friends are going to a concert that I would have loved to have gone to...the weekend of the first suggested date for the visit but she was busy with something.
She's like. Oh I wish you were here...

I just don't even know what to think. Why message me telling me about all the fun things you're going to do with your other friends and say you wished I could go too.

I still would like to go but think it would be best to book my own accommodations. I would feel better doing it that way.

OP posts:

MuckyPlucky · 31/01/2021 10:34

This all sounds a bit strange if I’m honest. If you’ve not ever met in person, I’d not be wanting to stay in her home at all, let alone for a whole week. And your latest post feels like you’re expecting a lot of undivided attention from her and reading a lot into small things/messages/meanings. It all sounds quite hard work and like you’ve heaped a lot of expectations onto this trip.
Maybe a better way to approach it would be to make it a long weekend (rather than a week) & to find an Air b&b or similar nearby, then you can hang out but without so much pressure.
I also wonder why you’ve not answered PP’s asking if you’ve ever FaceTimed etc? Have you actually spoken in person via video, or is all contact via email? I’d be urging caution OP. You sound very invested in this ‘friendship’ and this person could in fact be anyone. Please be careful.

allycat4 · 31/01/2021 10:40

I echo the people telling you that you don't really know this person. I'd be worried for both of you. You do seem completely over invested in this, which could be suffocating for her, and also makes you even more vulnerable if it turns out she is not as she has presented herself online.

BrownFootStool · 31/01/2021 11:03

You sound like me-- I would've hoped it would just be us two. In the past I've been annoyed about exactly the same thing. I've learned that others are different She will see it as including you in her life and activities she thinks you will enjoy. So it isn't her being odd, it is just two different approaches to socialising.

As for the concert, she told you about it cos she knew you would be interested and said she wished you were there, cos she does wish you were there.

Don't overcomplicate things. Take her at face value. Her different approach doesn't mean anything bad, she is just different to you.

I wouldn't listen to those saying 'don't trust a stranger' etc. Most of my very good friends, I met online first. However, getting your own accommodation could be a good idea, if you are anything like me you might need some downtime in the intense socialising.

Just enjoy it OP, it will be interesting and lovely.

Original poster

RantyAnty · 31/01/2021 11:33

We've spoken on the phone once.

That is mostly my fault because of my anxiety and hearing issues.

Maybe I do seem overinvested? She is the one who has asked me repeatedly to come and visit and insisted I stay with her and I have made excuses not to. Anxiety, depression, agoraphobia.

To be honest, I would prefer to stay in my own accommodation for a week. I don't want her to feel obligated to me in any way. My expectations really are just getting to meet after all these years and possibly having a fun day together. That's all.

OP posts:

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