Partner calling me fat

[charlotte64]

I gave birth 6 month ago and really really conscious of my body. I've went from being a size 8 pre pregnancy to size 14. I really want to start excercising/eating more healthy but being kept on my toes with a 6 month teething baby all day who hardly sleeps exercise is the last thing on my mind
My partner knows how unhappy I am - I won't let him in the bathroom when In the bath if he needs toilet and if we have sex I either have to keep my top on or the cover stays over at all times - I know, boring! I just refuse to let him see me naked since giving birth I hate my body I've put on loads of weight boobs are saggy belly's saggy just not feeling very attractive
Anyway I was getting out the bath earlier and forgot to grab jarmas had to make a run for it across landing - partner saw me but didn't say anything I was mortified
Fast forward Couple of hours later we where joking on can't remember what about but he made the comment ' your just a fat bitch anyway ' I've took it too heart and instantly thought it's cos he saw me earlier and honestly could sit and cry i never said anything and just walked out he's never called me fat up until he seen me earlier
Am I over reacting by been so upset by this? I think it's cos he knows how conscious and embarrassed I am off my body and he's said that that hurts the most

That's vile of him and I'd reconsider your relationship if I were you.

I would imagine he's pretty confused that you seem to be "suddenly" (to him) reluctant to have sex and prudish about nudity.

I've found most men have no conception of what it's like for women to be worried about their body image. Men have no inkling of the pressure women put each other under to be perfect non-humans who must never grace the DM sidebar of shame.

If he is normally a caring and loving partner, I would probably think that his comment was a very clumsy and hamfisted attempt at a joke, and that he had no idea how hurtful you would find it.

OTOH if he isn't careful of your feelings and you think he said it on purpose to hurt you, then it sounds like a tip of the iceberg thing?

Please do try to think of your body more kindly - its just done the most amazing thing it will ever do, and it needs some time to recover from that and get back to full health! I can promise you that thinking negatively about your body and wanting to "punish" it for not living up to society's expectations are the polar opposite of what you want to be doing to get (back to) a shape you're happy with. Nurture your body, celebrate what it's done, and treat yourself with kindness and compassion - which means rewarding yourself with healthy food, healthy exercise, and food-based treats in moderation when appropriate.

You are not over reacting, your dh shouldn't be using language like that to someone he supposedly loves.

Your body has gone through so much, coupled with a demanding baby it doesn't help both your mind and physical state. Go easy on yourself, it's only been 6 months. Be proud of the body that grew such a beautiful baby, and be kind to yourself. X

Oh my goodness OP.

Your pre and post baby weight is totally irrelevant here. The point is your partner knows you are body conscious and looking forward to getting back in shape so you can feel better about yourself.

Rather than support you in this, he has taken the first opportunity you have (accidentally) been vulnerable/exposed and criticised you in the most hurtful way with name calling and body shaming.

A partner is meant to have our back, support us, keep our vulnerabilities safe, be a teammate and lover. This statement would devastate me (not the content, but as I said the emotional cruelty instead of support above) and I would be thinking about what he offers me and what that costs me emotionally...and ultimately whether I would want this man in my life.

No you're not over reacting that was mean of him, speak to him and tell him honestly how much it hurt you, don't be silent if he says things like that, it's not acceptable.

Utterly vile.

Absolutely NO excuse.

I hope you have family and friends because you have just been shown EXACTLY who he is.

Utterly vile.

You poor woman.
So sorry.

Wtf I can’t believe pp said it was a joke?! Absolutely not a joke, that’s awful, even worse than when my ex said to me 2 weeks after giving birth “wow your belly is still really big” but to actually call you a fat bitch? What was the actual conversation I’m struggling to understand why he would respond with that?

Absolutely not on.

It is unforgivable, I am fuming for you, how dare he say that when you have just given birth to his child.

That kind of comment can destroy people, honestly I hate him on behalf of all women who are forced to feel bad about their bodily changes during and after child birth.

The only advice I can give is, ignor, ignor ignor, and then when you slowly regain your strength and confidence... destroy him!

Take care

Oh and I forgot to say he's a complete bastard !!!!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I would imagine he's pretty confused that you seem to be "suddenly" (to him) reluctant to have sex and prudish about nudity

Can we not? Blame the op, I mean? She has had a baby, if he is confused (poor little love) HE CAN TALK TO HER! Not call her names.

I've found most men have no conception of what it's like for women to be worried about their body image. Men have no inkling of the pressure women put each other under to be perfect non-humans who must never grace the DM sidebar of shame.

Excuses. Men also have issues with body image, it's not just a female thing, and for him to go straight to name calling, instead of trying to talk to the op, lift her spirits etc tells me he either is already abusive, or it's to come. there is a reason that op feels body conscious with the man she married, and that is because she doesn't have his support and/or feel comfortable with him. That may be due to his lack of support in other areas, or even some previous behaviour that makes her feel uneasy.

If he is normally a caring and loving partner, I would probably think that his comment was a very clumsy and hamfisted attempt at a joke, and that he had no idea how hurtful you would find it.

Nope...calling someone "a fat bitch" is abusive language and is not acceptable from anyone, and is most certainly NOT a ham-fisted attempt at a joke. Op said he went for the one thing the hurt her the most, and HE KNEW he would hurt her.

which means rewarding yourself with healthy food, healthy exercise, and food-based treats in moderation when appropriate

op, please do not think of "healthy food/exercise/food-based treats" as rewards, this is a sure fire way to get your attitude around food completely messed up. You eat what you body needs in the moment (I agree with the moderation part), and once you have found your motivation you will start to think differently.

Eventually you can get down to a size 8 again (if you want). Unfortunately he will always be as thick as pig shit and there is no amount of time that is going to change that. On the strength of this I would be reconsidering this relationship. He wouldn't want to live in my house because i would blast the ignorant prick from here to outer space

Pregnancy changes your body so much. If he doesn't understand this then it's not your job to explain.

If he was offering to give you more time to yourself to relax and/or excercise and was cooking healthy nutritious meals for you both he'd be supporting you. He's decided to call you names instead.

The way you feel about your body is perfectly normal. I felt the same after my children were born. Be kind to yourself and try not to let his nasty comments bring you down. And also consider if you want to be with someone that talks to you the way he does.

If you're looking after yourself and your baby , especially during these dreadful times , you're doing great.

@MaLarkinn

i had three children in two years. i did a diet called lipotrim, not for everyone but worked for me. i lost just over five stone just under three months.

i had a better body after three kids than i did before!

duets like weight watchers and more normal diets didn’t work for me so that’s why i chose to do lipotrim.

But how did you lose the massive shite calling you horrible names?

That's awful. You should be upset.
If that's how he jokes it's very likely he won't care that he's upset you.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation
I've found most men have no conception of what it's like for women to be worried about their body image. Men have no inkling of the pressure women put each other under to be perfect non-humans who must never grace the DM sidebar of shame.

What do you mean the body shanking comes from women . Many many men body shame their partners after they have children
This OP is literally say her partner a MAN is body shaming her and your trying to blame women for the pressure ?
Men exert huge pressures on women to confirm and look a certain way . Much more so than other women
After I had my children not one woman commented on my weight but my husband and a few of his male friends sure did . I’ve read many men complaining on forums about their wives each wa

Not sure how those last two words each wa got there please ignore . Meant to say men complaining on forums about their wives post baby bodies
Op it’s a horrible thing for him to say . I’m sorry .you are right to be upset . Have you asked him to explain why he thinks that it’s ok to say such a thing

Men can be twats about the whole thing. I am guessing he is mildly irritated about how awakward you have become about your new body, the way sex has changed etc and his irritation just spilled out without thinking. How is he as a partner otherwise?
To illustrate men's twatiness about the whole weight thing, take this story from me. One of my partners ( very very skinny tall guy) used to make constant "jokes" about my chubby size 14 body, some of them very hurtful. He constantly urged me to work out and made me feel like a bloody oompa loompa- I would often end up in tears. I lost 2 stone and was all pleased with myself when one fine day I happened to accidentally come across his...wank bank. Every girl there was at least a size 16 or over, with gigantic butts covered in cellulite. Can you imagine my face??? He wanted a slim wife because of it being more socially acceptable ( eye roll) but he definitely fancied chubby more!!! Men are strange creatures!!! Aaagh!! Guess what, the dieting stopped and he admitted he loved my chubiness!! Good luck OP and a size 14 is not huge, lovely. Its early days, enjoy baby instead. xx

He feels rejected by you

OP, i am sorry you are feeling so wretched.

You are the one who was there. Did he say it in a completely joking way, fully aware that it is a wildly ‘off’ thing to say and genuinely not meaning it personally, or was it an actual dig?

Can you talk to him? Tell him everything. How vulnerable you are feeling, the impact of having your body change throughout pregnancy and beyond?

Of course the comment went right to your raw-est feelings. Does he have any idea just how you have been feeling?

You don’t have to hide either your body or your feelings. Y op t body has just give you and him your darling baby. And he is the man who chose to go on that journey with you.

I hope he listens.

Good luck.

@Countingthebeat I'm sorry you had such an experience - I've very very rarely been body shamed by a man, much more often by women. Only once within a relationship, and he was an abusive bastard in many, many ways.

Perhaps my experience is unusual... I've been everywhere between size 10 and size 28 and I'm late 40s so thought I would have heard it all by now but maybe not!

@differentnameforthis Im sorry that my post upset you. I wrote purely from wanting to reassure OP that she has not magically turned into a repulsive blob and in fact her body has done an amazing thing which should be celebrated. Perhaps my words didn't come across as I intended.

OP how are you feeling this morning? Did the two of you talk about it?

Please do try to think of your body more kindly - its just done the most amazing thing it will ever do, and it needs some time to recover from that and get back to full health! I can promise you that thinking negatively about your body and wanting to "punish" it for not living up to society's expectations are the polar opposite of what you want to be doing to get (back to) a shape you're happy with. Nurture your body, celebrate what it's done, and treat yourself with kindness and compassion - which means rewarding yourself with healthy food, healthy exercise, and food-based treats in moderation when appropriate

This. Of course our bodies are going to look different after having babies, you've grown and birthed a human being all by yourself in that amazing body! What has he done?

Anyone calling me a fat bitch, regardless of weight gain or having recently had a baby, would not be in my life any longer.

If YOU want to lose weight, for YOU, then getting out with the baby in the buggy for a log walk is brilliant exercise and great for mental health and for the baby too. You don't need to be doing workout DVD's (unless you want to), just start small and appreciate the benefits of walking and fresh air. I walk with a podcast in my ears and really enjoy it.

You know what loving partners do in situations like this?
They say things like, "I love you just the way you are." Or "I think you look beautiful." Or "You will always be gorgeous to me."
They don't call you names. They don't exploit your insecurity.
Even if he feels a bit rejected, a normal and mature person will talk to you about it and explain how he feels and you work it out together.
Ypu are not over reacting at all.

He called you a bitch.

Regardless of anything, he called you a bitch.

Are other posters not seeing how awful that is or are their bars so low that is normal?

I am not remotely criticising your reaction because I would have 100% have done the same even if it was obviously a joke. I just wondered what the context was? Was it a jokey situation and, despite being hurt, you know what he was saying was in jest? Or was it literally an out-of-nowhere spiteful comment? These are two completely separate situations. I hope you're ok OP!