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Original poster

My stupid stupid friend.

30 replies

AmberFloodWarning · 27/01/2021 22:23

She's daft. Very attractive, married and has been for a long time - not unhappy but not overly happy either. Her life is run on her husband's say so - not necessarily controlling but things are kind of set up to suit him.

She has become very close to a (10yrs younger, married) work colleague; he emails her occasionally and pops in to her office (she works alone in the office) daily for a chat. He makes all the running but she doesn't knock him back.
There's a strong mutual attraction and she says if neither were married and she were younger, she'd absolutely go for it.

So, she offered him her number because she didn't want anything showing on her work email.
He says he can't/won't contact her via his personal phone. He's happy to have contact but only on his work email, she's happy to have contact but NOT on her work email...

He just doesn't want his wife to possibly have the opportunity to find out what he's doing, does he? Hmm

I don't have an opinion either way re an emotional affair, that's up to her but I wonder if he's a bit of a player and hope it doesn't all end in tears.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 27/01/2021 22:25

They’re as bad as one another, surely. Both know what they’re doing.

Silenceisgolden20 · 27/01/2021 22:26

It's not really any of your business. I would stay out of it.

Sway19 · 27/01/2021 22:27

Keep your beak out OP

Original poster
AmberFloodWarning · 27/01/2021 22:28

@Sway19

Keep your beak out OP
Tricky when she's confiding in me.
OP posts:
CryingHelps · 27/01/2021 22:30

Of course it'll end up in tears so they might as well knock it on the head now. It sounds very much like an emotional affair rather than friendship and neither of their partner's would be happy if they found out.
If she's unhappy in her marriage, she needs to talk to her DH or leave.

gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 22:32

Not sure what you're asking here.

Anyway, at the risk of facilitating an affair .. they set up personal email accounts to communicate. They don't even have to actually send emails; just write drafts and share the password for the account.

I learned that on Mumsnet. Someone's cheating partner did it.

gaijinetal · 27/01/2021 22:33

But the correct answer is ; tell her not to be a skank.

Also he's a skank to his wife.

excelledyourself · 27/01/2021 22:33

Just tell her you have a bad feeling about it all, that you think it will end badly for her, and so your advice is to quit while she's ahead. Tell her that's your last input on the situation.

Ruminating2020 · 27/01/2021 22:50

You're right to be concerned for your friend. Perhaps she's confiding in you to get "permission" and to make herself feel less guilty? I don't know but if I were in your position, I would advise her to stop it before it starts. She will regret it.

MustardMitt · 27/01/2021 22:56

I'm not sure I really understand. He doesn't want her personal number - why does that make him the bad guy? It sounds to me like he's taking advantage of the only place he can regularly go for a chat with someone he knows (i.e. not Asda!) and that maybe she's reading into things a bit too much? Confused

Nothing that you've said in your OP makes me think he is the player tbh....

poppyzbrite4 · 27/01/2021 23:00

Ask her not to confide in you about it as you'd rather not know. Change the subject when she brings it up.

I was going to say that a bit of mild flirtation can be fun but then saw that they are up for exchange numbers or taking it further, which is not fun.

I've seen things like this develop and it's a bit like a steam roller as it develops and gain momentum. People advising against it just add to the drama and fun. Don't be a part of it.

Original poster
AmberFloodWarning · 27/01/2021 23:06

@MustardMitt, from what she tells me it's him doing all the running. He did say he'd stop calling by her office, as people might start talking but he's been every day since!

These things do develop from mild flirtations though, as someone else mentioned.

OP posts:
johnd2 · 27/01/2021 23:06

Just because she's confused in you doesn't oblige you to give any answers or solve it. You can just um and ah and say yes that is a tricky situation at all the right moments.
Or if it's triggering you or otherwise causing an emotional reaction in you, it's fine to have a boundary and say no thanks i don't want to hear about it, please deal with it without involving me.
Good luck!

category12 · 27/01/2021 23:07

You don't have to accept her confidences - you can say to her, something like "look mate, I know you want to talk about this, but I'm not comfortable with it and feel weird about knowing while Dave doesn't. So you do what you want to do, but don't tell me anymore about it".

Anonanonon · 27/01/2021 23:07

@MustardMitt

I'm not sure I really understand. He doesn't want her personal number - why does that make him the bad guy? It sounds to me like he's taking advantage of the only place he can regularly go for a chat with someone he knows (i.e. not Asda!) and that maybe she's reading into things a bit too much? Confused

Nothing that you've said in your OP makes me think he is the player tbh....

I agree. I think by keeping it to work emails he can be compartmentalise it as a bit of harmless flirting at work to brighten up the day. Moving to personal numbers takes into more obvious emotional affair territory. He might be trying to assert a boundary - one that’s a bit late and a bit weak admittedly though.
8obbingabout · 27/01/2021 23:08

This will absolutely end in tears. How can they do this

Original poster
AmberFloodWarning · 27/01/2021 23:16

I will try and steer the conversation away next time she brings it up.

@Bobbingabout I guess these things develop from a friendship that starts to go too far.

OP posts:
FlyNow · 27/01/2021 23:17

The work email thing is good isn't it? It's setting a boundary and basically saying nothing will ever happen. He obviously isn't planning on saying anything to her that he wouldn't mind his boss/HR reading later.

Fearandsurprise · 27/01/2021 23:35

@johnd2

Just because she's confused in you doesn't oblige you to give any answers or solve it. You can just um and ah and say yes that is a tricky situation at all the right moments. Or if it's triggering you or otherwise causing an emotional reaction in you, it's fine to have a boundary and say no thanks i don't want to hear about it, please deal with it without involving me. Good luck!
This is very useful advice.
Original poster
AmberFloodWarning · 27/01/2021 23:44

@FlyNow

The work email thing is good isn't it? It's setting a boundary and basically saying nothing will ever happen. He obviously isn't planning on saying anything to her that he wouldn't mind his boss/HR reading later.
I guess so, I hadn't considered it like that.
OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 28/01/2021 04:58

Tell her you don’t want to discuss it.

Original poster
AmberFloodWarning · 28/01/2021 19:03

Hmm, not sure about him adhering to boundaries. She's just called me to say tonight he suggested they went to a closed off area of their workplace to kiss! 😲

She refused - I believe her, she's been nothing but candid with me. I'm pleased she did say no and told her so.

I genuinely do think whilst she's very attracted to him, she wants friendship more than anything.

Maybe she'll come to her senses now.

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 28/01/2021 19:13

Anyway, at the risk of facilitating an affair .. they set up personal email accounts to communicate. They don't even have to actually send emails; just write drafts and share the password for the account.

OMG that's genius- not that I'm advocating it at all and xeerteinly would never do it!

It sounds like your friend is flattered by the attention but her colleague is obviously after more. Hopefully she'll realise that now.

Original poster
AmberFloodWarning · 28/01/2021 19:42

@Cam2020

Anyway, at the risk of facilitating an affair .. they set up personal email accounts to communicate. They don't even have to actually send emails; just write drafts and share the password for the account.

OMG that's genius- not that I'm advocating it at all and xeerteinly would never do it!

It sounds like your friend is flattered by the attention but her colleague is obviously after more. Hopefully she'll realise that now.

God, yeah - I'd never dream of that email thing - not smart enough!

I really hope she does take a step back after this and see what's happening here.

OP posts:
famousforwrongreason · 29/01/2021 01:33

That's so clever re the email. Do the drafts cross over on different gadgets? Mine don't, only drafts I've written in my phone email lapp stay on my phone, and the same ref laptop etc.

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