(Here are a paragraphed version 😬) All I need is some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. In 2019 I had an issue with one of my guy friends and I really didn’t know (being quite naive and not really understanding that this happens in relationships as I was only 18 and this was my first relationship).
This guy started to like me and he told me. I really didn’t know how to react to it and so I thought that maybe I had feelings for him too? I broke up with my boyfriend because I really didn’t want anyone getting hurt.
Over time me and this guy kept talking and my ex boyfriend kept trying to get back with me (as I was still completely in love with my boyfriend I was obviously not really telling him to go away), so I had this dilemma that I had to pick between these two guys. I ended up taking way too long and decided upon choosing my ex.
A couple of months later I went off to university and within the first week at uni I spent it in hospital because I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy (it wasn’t panned) I went back university and I had completely missed the social stage as it was a month or so after university had started. I was in a complete mess, both my boyfriend and I hadn’t come to terms with what had really happened. I kept telling people that I had an appendicitis and found it really hard to be able to talk to it with anyone. I signed up for counselling so many times to talk it through but I was too scared to actually face it.
Anyway, I was trying way too hard to get people to like me by drinking large quantities and going out clubbing late. I accidentally at one club borrowed some guys £500 jacket and ended up losing it. I spent the whole evening trying to find it. However I was incredibly pissed (which isn’t an excuse) and ended up going back to his house not really remember much except for me trying to get away from this guy - I have memories of trying to run away from him.
Long story short, I spent the evening in his bed but NOTHING happened at all. I woke up in the morning and realised that the guy that was next to me looked like the splitting image of my boyfriend. I also realised that I had texted my boyfriend saying “help me” countless times. I straight away ordered a taxi and left the guys place. I instantly told me boyfriend what had happened and he ended up, understandably, breaking up with me. I was so so upset with him, I thought he’d trust me and understand that I was incredibly in love with him and that we had recently gone through something that adults would’ve found difficult (I was 19 at the time).
My friend’s were telling me that I might as well live my life and I really wasn’t expecting for him to take me back. I went clubbing every night after and ended up bumping into the guys 4 nights later. We had a conversation and we decided to get pizza and watch friends at his house, some reason it escalated and we ended up fooling around. We had conversations in the morning and as my dad is an opera singer and I had a free ticket to one of his operas. I offered it to the guy because noone else wanted to go. I left in the morning only to find that my boyfriend had started to message me suggesting that if I was ever in a situation like that again it’s incredibly dangerous and I could’ve been taken advantage of or worse raped.
I missed him so so much so I thought that maybe it was my chance to get him back. During all this I did take this guy to opera and I did end up going back to his house again. But later my ex boyfriend was able to give me a second chance. I completely pushed this guy away. I didn’t think that it was a thing and I really wasn’t interested in him. I think maybe it was to do with me just not accepting what had happened with the ectopic and me just wanting someone to be there. In the long run we got back together a couple of weeks later and we’re incredibly happy for year. But I felt incredibly guilty about doing all this stuff with that guy so I thought that being honest to my boyfriend about him would really help improve my relationship and I hated the idea of having a long term relationship (hopefully getting married someday) and my boyfriend not knowing. I also knew that telling him would really risk it all but I would rather be in an honest relationship than our relationship being a lie.
His reaction to this was obviously awful, he messaged the guy and asked what had happened and the guy told him everything. He didn’t even tell him the truth he said that we were together for a month (it was about a week or two but we were never a thing or that was never communicated) but he didn’t want to be with me so he ended it which really really was not true. He also told me that when we broke up before he had fooled around with this girl and he told me a few days ago that nothing actually happened and that if he only new that he could do stuff with other people he would’ve. He’s been in such a bad place and I’ve been in utter agony the past few days because I know I’ve caused him pain and I hate that. He’s really the man for me and I can’t think of my future without him. I met up with him (social distanced) and we decided that we’re going to have a 2 month no communication break.
He asked me so many times if anything else happened and I kept trying to not tell him because I didn’t want to hurt him and it really wasn’t very helpful when I started getting defensive when he was asking what had happened so I really really messed up with that too. He kept asking and asking and reluctantly told him everything.
I’ve come up with some relationship counselling that we can do together after so we can talk through the ectopic and maybe help with our relationship too?
Bearing in mind we’ve had a perfect year where we have been together and it hasn’t been rollercoaster-y and the guy from those nights really meant nothing to me. I’ve treated him so well, whenever he’s siad he’s depressed I’d go to his house in London (I live in Oxford) and give him a card, chocolate and flowers. I also booked out a fancy hotel room when we first started our 2nd year at university!
My boyfriend now thinks that I cheated on him too and even though the messages from the time were “I don’t want to be involved with you” and “I have nothing left to say” I’m really not the person to cheat and I really didn’t but he has that in his mind now.
I’m really not a horrible person and I always put peoples feeling before mine. I know this is so messed up but he means the world to me and is there anything I can do? Maybe during this break or after to make him understand that everything that happened was just a huge mistake and that I only want to be with him? I really should’ve told him either straight away or should’ve just waited longer before actually doing stuff with the guy.
I also really didn’t know what to do because most of the people I know sis that “it’s okay you were broken up” I understand that but if it was the other way round I would feel exactly the same way.
How do I prove to him that I our relationship is worth while and that I really do love him. I think one aspect is that I really could’ve chosen the easy way out. The break that originally happened back in April, I chose to go back to my boyfriend after that even if it meant that I had a long time to get his trust back and two after staying in that guys bed, it really took a while to regain his trust again but I would’ve tried for such a long time too. Even now I knew that this would really effect our relationship but I knew that it was the best to tell him even if my timing is a little off. Any other person would’ve just not told him but I did come forward because I knew that was the right thing to do!