My boyfriend and I broke up and I did some stuff with some other guy too soon after and we got back together

[Yesus339]

All I need is some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. In 2019 I had an issue with one of my guy friends and I really didn’t know (being quite naive and not really understanding that this happens in relationships as I was only 18 and this was my first relationship). This guy started like me and he told me. I really didn’t know how to react to it and so I thought that maybe I had feelings for him too? I broke up with my boyfriend because I really didn’t want anyone getting hurt. Over time me and this guy kept talking and my ex boyfriend kept trying to get back with me (as I was still completely in love with my boyfriend I was obviously not really telling him to go away), so I had this dilemma that I had to pick between these two guys. I ended up taking way too long and decided upon choosing my ex. A couple of months later I went off to university and within the first week at uni I spent it in hospital because I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy (it wasn’t panned) I went back university and I had completely missed the social stage as it was a month or so after university had started. I was in a complete mess, both my boyfriend and I hadn’t come to terms with what had really happened. I kept telling people that I had an appendicitis and found it really hard to be able to talk to it with anyone. I signed up for counselling so many times to talk it through but I was too scared to actually face it.

Anyway, I was trying way too hard to get people to like me by drinking large quantities and going out clubbing late. I accidentally at one club borrowed some guys £500 jacket and ended up losing it. I spent the whole evening trying to find it. However I was incredibly pissed (which isn’t an excuse) and ended up going back to his house not really remember much except for me trying to get away from this guy - I have memories of trying to run away from him. Long story short, I spent the evening in his bed but NOTHING happened at all. I woke up in the morning and realised that the guy that was next to me looked like the splitting image of my boyfriend. I also realised that I had texted my boyfriend saying “help me” countless times. I straight away ordered a taxi and left the guys place. I instantly told me boyfriend what had happened and he ended up, understandably, breaking up with me. I was so so upset with him, I thought he’d trust me and understand that I was incredibly in love with him and that we had recently gone through something that adults would’ve found difficult (I was 19 at the time). My friend’s were telling me that I might as well live my life and I really wasn’t expecting for him to take me back. I went clubbing every night after and ended up bumping into the guys 4 nights later. We had a conversation and we decided to get pizza and watch friends at his house, some reason it escalated and we ended up fooling around. We had conversations in the morning and as my dad is an opera singer and I had a free ticket to one of his operas. I offered it to the guy because noone else wanted to go. I left in the morning only to find that my boyfriend had started to message me suggesting that if I was ever in a situation like that again it’s incredibly dangerous and I could’ve been taken advantage of or worse raped. I missed him so so much so I thought that maybe it was my chance to get him back. During all this I did take this guy to opera and I did end up going back to his house again. But later my ex boyfriend was able to give me a second chance. I completely pushed this guy away. I didn’t think that it was a thing and I really wasn’t interested in him. I think maybe it was to do with me just not accepting what had happened with the ectopic and me just wanting someone to be there. In the long run we got back together a couple of weeks later and we’re incredibly happy for year. But I felt incredibly guilty about doing all this stuff with that guy so I thought that being honest to my boyfriend about him would really help improve my relationship and I hated the idea of having a long term relationship (hopefully getting married someday) and my boyfriend not knowing. I also knew that telling him would really risk it all but I would rather be in an honest relationship than our relationship being a lie. His reaction to this was obviously awful, he messaged the guy and asked what had happened and the guy told him everything. He didn’t even tell him the truth he said that we were together for a month (it was about a week or two but we were never a thing or that was never communicated) but he didn’t want to be with me so he ended it which really really was not true. He also told me that when we broke up before he had fooled around with this girl and he told me a few days ago that nothing actually happened and that if he only new that he could do stuff with other people he would’ve. He’s been in such a bad place and I’ve been in utter agony the past few days because I know I’ve caused him pain and I hate that. He’s really the man for me and I can’t think of my future without him. I met up with him (social distanced) and we decided that we’re going to have a 2 month no communication break. He asked me so many times if anything else happened and I kept trying to not tell him because I didn’t want to hurt him and it really wasn’t very helpful when I started getting defensive when he was asking what had happened so I really really messed up with that too. He kept asking and asking and reluctantly told him everything. I’ve come up with some relationship counselling that we can do together after so we can talk through the ectopic and maybe help with our relationship too? Bearing in mind we’ve had a perfect year where we have been together and it hasn’t been rollercoaster-y and the guy from those nights really meant nothing to me. I’ve treated him so well like whenever he’s siad he’s depressed I’d go to his house in London (I live in Oxford) and give him a card, chocolate and flowers. I also booked out a fancy hotel room when we first started our 2nd year at university! My boyfriend now thinks that I cheated on him too and even though the messages from the time were “I don’t want to be involved with you” and “I have nothing left to say” I’m really not the person to cheat and I really didn’t but he has that in his mind now. In really not a horrible person and I always put peoples feeling before mine. I know this is so messed up but he means the world to me and is there anything I can do? Maybe during this break or after to make him understand that everything that happened was just a huge mistake and that I only want to be with him? I really should’ve told him either straight away or should’ve just waited longer before actually doing stuff with the guy. It also really didn’t know what to do because most of the people I know sis that “it’s okay you were broken up” I understand that but if it was the other way round I would feel exactly the same way. How do I prove to him that I our relationship is worth while and that I really do love him. I think one aspect is that I really could’ve chosen the easy way out. The break that originally happened back in April, I chose to go back to my boyfriend after that even if it meant that I had a long time to get his trust back and two after staying in that guys bed, it really took a while to regain his trust again but I would’ve tried for such a long time too. Even now I knew that this would really effect our relationship but I knew that it was the best to tell him even if my timing is a little off. Any other person would’ve just not told him but I did come forward because I knew that was the right thing to do!

Stop messing this lad about.

You posted this before right?

I think 2 months break is a good idea (maybe longer). If I was your age I’d never do it, but I still know now it is a good idea!
Don’t message him, don’t try to convince him. Focus on your life, friendships, activities, work, family, study, finances, whatever.
Why did you tell him this? It was as if you wanted to bring drama.

Be single for a bit, spend a bit of time alone at home (lockdown) and have a good think about the direction you want your life to go. Also think about what you would want from a relationship in future.

University or high school?

It sounds like you want him back to make yourself feel better. That's not fair on him. Give him his space and don't contact him and let him make his mind up for himself without you trying to convince him to change to what you want the answer to be.

Have you agreed about what happens during this break? Like, have you agreed to not sleep with anyone because I can see in two months time you guys getting back together and him saying he slept with a lasses or two, or him thinking you have and all the drama starts again.

You are studying for a degree and you wrote this?

So much unnecessary information in there.

You are 19? Move on, grow up a bit and stop messing this guy about.

You are both young.

Leave him alone, go off and do your own thing and grow up a bit.

Of course, this will go unseen and unacknowledged, as, having asked for advice, the OP will have decided that we're all a load of 'unkind' middle-aged women and will crack on with her ridiculous drama llama lifestyle nonetheless.

Jesus wept.

OP, you need to be on your own.

90 percent of this story is completely irrelevant.

You sound very young, very immature and very selfish. You are not ready for a relationship so don't have one.

Much better with the paragraphs. If your boyfriend get over his jealousy about this then it's really time to call it a day. You don't want to be guilt tripped and questioned for the next twenty years. Move on would be my advice.

Can't get over his jealousy

People are being disgustingly rude to you. Your post is perfectly readable. Saying something is 'totally unreadable' is typical Mumsnet-meangirl-bitchiness. Also, I don't really think any of it is irrelevant. All of the information gives us relevant background.

So many vile bullies on here. Sad considering you are at university, an emotional rollercoaster at the best of times, you are in pain, and you have reached out to a group of mostly older women for support and advice and the majority of them have responded by kicking you when you're down to try to make themselves feel superior.

Anyone who has been cruel on this thread: please take a long look at your lives and what you need to change in order to be kind, mature and compassionate enough to no longer need to make a stranger on the internet feel horrible when she has done nothing but ask your advice on a thread designed specifically for that reason. 😒

Moving on... OP, you need to give him space. It is the only way he will have time to process what has happened and also get over it, as well as giving him time to miss you. Don't text, call, or bother him. Just leave him well alone and wait for him to contact you. It is honestly the only way.

Come on, it's not just the lack of paragraphs.

So basically, you were on a break . . . ?

@notangelinajolie

You are studying for a degree and you wrote this?

I thought that but was scared to say it! Unbelievable.

@P3rsephone

A great sadness losing a child. Remember, its only cheating if you get caught. He dumped you. So did he expect you to become a Franciscan nun? Also girl up. You have the power not the man, always be the one to do the dumping.

What are you on about?! Cheating is of course still cheating, regardless if you got caught or not!! Same as lying, same as theft, same as fraud, same as murder. All of these things are still what they are even if you don't get found out. What a weird comment to make!

I remember your other post about this, and the consensus was to leave him alone. You can't control whether he chooses to get back with you is not. I did struggle to read your post (it's early and I've only had 1 coffee so far), but it all sounds really drama filled. That's a lot at 20 years old. I know it hurts, heartbreak does hurt but cutting the ties to him will help. No contact at all, unfollow him on social media etc and try and keep yourself busy (not easy in lockdown). You will get through it.

Hang on, is the short version that you had split up, you then didn't sleep with someone else, you got back together, you then told him....what? That you had slept with another guy? That you'd done something short of penetrative sex with the other guy? I can't even work out what you actually did and what you said you did.
There would never be a reason to go into detail o f what you did with someone else, it would be hurtful and unnecessary. And if boyfriend is pressing you for details, that's quite grim.

I’m impressed by the way you’ve put “Long story short” in the middle of this. Just the first 10,000 words gave me a headache. Just find someone else. And be normal.

@notangelinajolie

You are studying for a degree and you wrote this?

Must say, I thought the same.

I agree with a PP - there's a lot of real unkindness on this thread to a distressed and hurt young woman reaching out for advice who has made the kind of mistakes that are pretty normal in your late teens/early 20s. Come on, MN - we should be offering support in these situations, not kicking the OP when she's down.

@OP - as another PP said: heartbreak really sucks. You will have some painful and difficult months ahead of you. It seems huge now because these are your first experiences of adult relationships. But it will pass. You will get over this.

There was no need to "confess" anything to your BF about things you did when you were apart. It only causes unnecessary hurt. Also, as another PP said, if you loved your BF so much, you wouldn't have wanted to explore possibilities with another man and you wouldn't have kept him waiting so long before deciding you wanted to go back.

Step back. Take some time to be alone. It is so important that adults learn to be single and look after themselves. Learn from this experience - the painful experiences are often the most useful. Concentrate on your studies for a while. Focus on things other than men. You're only 20. Plenty of time for romantic involvement in the future. Take a break and find yourself again.

Out of interest, did you tell him.about what happened a year ago because he has form for thinking you are unfaithful? Did you think 'maybe if it told him what happened a year ago he will realise I am honest and not think I've been up to anything this past year we've been together'.

Also, the thing at the start where you split with him because the other guy liked you ect... it feels like low self esteem on your part. You can see from it that you put the feelings of some random guy, before your own. As if you didnt think you had the right to say 'thanks but no thanks'. I feel you might be very vulnerable to abuse op (as a lot of is are when we are young).

But basically, this split might actually do you some good if you use the time to figure out what you want for you. How you want to be treated and how you should treat others and what is and isn't acceptable.

I'm not sure all the ones and outs of what happened are necessary - you could have summarised it.

What stands out to me is that you're 20 and you've decided the boyfriend is the one you're going to marry.

Not sure what you're basing this on ("love" isn't necessarily enough). At 20 you should be having fun and finding out who you are and what you want from life and relationships. Some people might know they have found their life partner at 20 - maybe they know themselves better than you do - but most won't.

I didn't consider the boyfriends I had then as potential husbands - I knew I wasn't ready for any of that. If I liked them I kept seeing them, if I didn't anymore or vice versa, we broke up. Some relationships overlapped and I met someone when I had a holiday job who never lived near me, and we met up and had sex from time to time for several years after that. I didn't confess any of it to my boyfriends. It didn't seem relevant.

As for the ectopic - I had one of those, though later in life, and earlier also an unexpected pregnancy that I terminated. The termination was a massive life event for me and affected me very much for years. The ectopic less so as the context was different, but it was still a loss. I think you should go to counselling over this. It's nothing to be afraid of. Counsellors will have heard similar from many other young women. Even if you feel you are now over it, later in life it might come back to haunt you - so don't just ignore your feelings.

I didn't have counselling over the termination but probably should have - I only talked it over later in life with a counsellor when I had fertility issues- I found it very hard to reconcile both things for a long while.