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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

would you buy a birthday gift?

30 replies

GoOutsideAndPlay · 27/01/2021 14:10

I have nc.

It's a long story that seems too ridiculous to go into. But my former best friend (and godmother to both my children) has ghosted me for a couple of years now. There is a long backstory but it basically came down to DH inheriting money from his parents when they died and us putting our DCs (one of whom has ASD, ADHD, and tourettes) into fee paying schools that had specialist prvision for their needs. My former friend (works in the state system but not as a teacher) is violently opposed to fee paying schools and told us that we were disgusting and a whole lot of other things that were very hurtful.

I was cross at the time and after a few episodes of being told I was immoral and a 'fucking Tory voter' told her that unless she was making the decision she did not get a vote. Since then she has refused to have anything to do with us. Every year i have sent her christmas cards and flowers and chocolates on her birthday. She never acknowledges it. For christmas I again sent her flowers and a hamper and a card. Nothing. i drove past her about 2 weeks ago and waved and she averted her eyes.

her birthday is next week. i feel like ti is wrong to not acknowledge it, nto least because it is a big birthday that I know she was anxious about but I am also a bit fed up with being ghosted. She has not acknowledged my birthday since 2017. She has not said a word to her own godchildren since we fell out. Our eldest was close to her and occasionally asks why she does not want to be our friend anymore.

I feel real grief at the loss of the friendship. But at the same time, i think enough is enough and it is time to put it to bed.

Should I try one more time and send her flowers for her 50th?

(I expect I know the answer).

OP posts:
Perching · 27/01/2021 14:18

God no. Time to move on!

GoOutsideAndPlay · 27/01/2021 14:20

I know. writing ti down makes it seem more obvious.

I just do miss the friendship and feel sad at the demise.

(She was a very forceful personality generally though and tbh it was starting to grate).

I need to just move on as you say.

OP posts:
Days0fW0nder8 · 27/01/2021 14:22

No card, no present

GoOutsideAndPlay · 27/01/2021 14:23

yes. You are both right. Thanks.

I did know the answer. But it helped to write it out.

OP posts:
londonscalling · 27/01/2021 14:30

I'd have stopped with the cards and presents the day she swore at you!

In the nicest possible way you are giving her the upper hand and looking somewhat desperate.

Stop now!!!!

dancingbymyself · 27/01/2021 14:33

She sounds awful. Enjoy being free of her.

OnceIWasAnApe · 27/01/2021 14:35

Eh?! Of course not. She doesn't want to be your friend (her loss), leave her alone.
I've cut people out of my life and have received gifts afterwards- it's upsetting.

Outdoorsywithgin · 27/01/2021 14:36

Move on. She has made it quite clear what her feelings are. You have offered an olive branch many times. Enough is enough.

GoOutsideAndPlay · 27/01/2021 14:37

Yes. I guess I hoped whatever her issue was would pass. In the past she has attacked me roundly for various things then came and apologised and said she was going through a bad time personally. I always made allowances. Even DH got tired of it eventually, and she was his friend first before he and I met. I think the second last time I got the friendship back on track he just asked me 'how many more times are we giving her a free pass?;.

still- when it was good it was a great friendship. Those days are long gone. I just have ti get to grips with it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2021 14:37

No. Obviously no. Spend your time, energy and money on people who do acknowledge you in the street and add something to your life.

wirldsgonemad · 27/01/2021 14:38

No, she doesn't deserve them or you

Santaiscovidfree · 27/01/2021 14:38

Send her a set of steps.
For if she ever chooses to get down off her high horse...
Yabu to waste money on her.

Yanbu to have made choices you believed best for your dc...

Cuntitinthebin · 27/01/2021 14:40

Oh Jesus. Stop. You should have stopped years ago.

SomersetHamlyn · 27/01/2021 14:41

She doesn't agree with your actions or your principles and she doesn't want to be friends with you. She could not have made this clearer.

GoOutsideAndPlay · 27/01/2021 14:41

@Santaiscovidfree

Send her a set of steps. For if she ever chooses to get down off her high horse... Yabu to waste money on her. Yanbu to have made choices you believed best for your dc...
That made me laugh. :)

yes, all of you are right,. (DH says 'told you so).

I'll stop being so fucking needy.

OP posts:
Vytol · 27/01/2021 14:59

Definitely stop.

She doesn't want your gifts and cards - I would imagine that they go straight into the bin. Continuing to send them is really choosing to ignore the very clear boundary communicated - I really think it would be wrong to acknowledge her birthday - she doesn't want you to.

She also sounds awful, so I'm struggling to understand why you tried to cling on to a relationship with this woman.

strawberry2017 · 27/01/2021 15:02

She had a go at you for doing what's best for your child.
She's a Bitch of the highest order and you should forget she ever existed.

seensome · 27/01/2021 15:09

Yes agree with others, Time to stop, give to who appreciates it.

GoOutsideAndPlay · 27/01/2021 15:15

I just have to say it is not as if I am bombarding with gifts and cards- it is Christmas and her birthday. So december and the first week of Feb. I am just sort of continuining what we used to do for those occasions throughout the friendship. I do not approach her in any way the other times, except for when she posted on facebook her dog had died and I sent her aPM saying i was sorry.

We were very close, and the friendship was one I valued. She has different values to me and i never thought it was a deal breaker, just part of the rich tapestry of life (as my Dad describes it). . I guess i was surprised and saddened to be dumped so comprehensively over something that was none of her business, nor her decision. I do miss her and I miss that.

Anyway okay. We all have relationships that cool and fade. It's just one of those.

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 27/01/2021 16:09

But you're not friends anymore. She decided that.
It hurts but it was her choice
Stop wasting you time and money.
She sounds a horrible twat

FlorenceNightshade · 27/01/2021 16:17

Against the grain here but I’d send it. If after all this time and all that’s been said maybe you need to send it for YOU. I’d write inside that despite how the friendship ended you were once important to each other. I’d tell her that I’d she’s ever ready to apologise you’ll listen and wish her all the best for her next 50 years. That way you don’t feel “petty” by not sending one, you get it out your system and you leave the ball firmly in her court. She stopped contact with you on her terms, you get to stop contact with her on yours. IMHO Confused

Silenceisgolden20 · 27/01/2021 16:28

Not sending a present is also ending it on her terms as she prob is expecting it.

Silence.
Get out of the obligation and guilt you are feeling for a 'friend 'that doesn't give a shit about you.

Silenceisgolden20 · 27/01/2021 16:29

I mean her as in the OP

Oreservoir · 27/01/2021 16:32

Send chrysanthemums.
In France they're sent to acknowledge death.
You could acknowledge the death of this relationship and put it behind you.
Move on.

GoOutsideAndPlay · 27/01/2021 16:38

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and for giving my query time and attention. I really really appreciate it.

There is a bit of me that wonders if I do not send something she will inititiate contact. Right now she is in control by snubbing me. I cannot be bothered with those sorts of games and I might be wrong.

I am going to not send anything. I am going to quietly feel sorry for the end of the friendship, but try not to let that sour the very good memories I have. I have double guessed myself a million times but I honestly cannot see what i did wrong except for quietly (and restrainedly) lose patience when she finally went too far.

OP posts: