Morning Mums,
Hope that you are all okay.
apologies as this might be a long one, but i really need to get this off of my chest.
For some context, let me be upfront in saying that i suffer from Depression & Anxiety which i take medication for, and have been with DH (to be) for 11 years now, we have a DD (2 years) and 3 weeks ago, i had to have an abortion which i'm still feeling pretty down about.
In the past, DH has been, what i would consider, unfaithful. He has never physically done anything (to my knowledge) but has spoken to women online (both strangers and friends) in explicit detail around sexual things, and to me, that is enough. We have split up a couple of times in the past because of this, but ultimately i love this man and want to be with him.
Each time it happens, we talk about things, i explain how it has made me feel and he agrees not to do it again - he actually deleted his Twitter account (temporarily) and stopped using Instagram (again temp) when i asked him to, as i'd honestly lost all trust.
When i found out i was pregnant, things seemed to get better, i wasn't as anxious and didn't feel the need to check up on him as much - and the couple of times i did, i found nothing, which was reassuring. But after DD was born, i found out that he had been messaging a friend of his at work on Snapchat - replying to pictures of her with "i would" and love hearts, and at one point asking "So when are we going to do it then" - i was devastated and kicked him out of the house. I cancelled our wedding (due to be June 2020) and said there was no going back.
I was a single parent for around a month, with serious depression and a baby that didn't sleep - it was the hardest month of my life, and when DH came round to look after DD for an hour and put her to bed, we talked and decided to give things another go. Things felt much better again, and eventually he moved back in, and we decided to rebook our wedding (low key registry office this time)
Our wedding is set for April, and we are due to fly to Japan in November to have a renewal of vows (we got engaged there) - 4 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant again, and DH said he didn't want another baby and we couldn't afford it - so i terminated the pregnancy. It was really difficult, as i both agreed and disagreed with the decision, but ultimately decided it was the right thing to do.
Today, the girl from Snapchat popped up on my Instagram (she was a mutual friend, which made things even more devastating before) in a lacy bodysuit with the caption "Some nights you just feel spicy" - DH had liked it, and when i scrolled, had liked almost all of her pictures over the past few months.
I feel betrayed and my self-worth (which is already pretty low) feels at rock bottom. I feel publicly disrespected and like im just not good enough (and never will be) - this girl is nothing like me, she's much younger, with crazy coloured hair and is stick thin, pretty much the opposite to the nearly-30 overweight mum i am.
I know that liking pictures on Insta doesn't mean anything in itself, but i'm honestly devastated - if having his baby and getting married won't make him stop, will anything? Is this my life forever now?
I guess what im asking is, Am i being unreasonable? Should this bother me?