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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married in 3 months - but history is repeating itself...

40 replies

Shesawizard · 27/01/2021 10:39

Morning Mums,

Hope that you are all okay.

apologies as this might be a long one, but i really need to get this off of my chest.

For some context, let me be upfront in saying that i suffer from Depression & Anxiety which i take medication for, and have been with DH (to be) for 11 years now, we have a DD (2 years) and 3 weeks ago, i had to have an abortion which i'm still feeling pretty down about.

In the past, DH has been, what i would consider, unfaithful. He has never physically done anything (to my knowledge) but has spoken to women online (both strangers and friends) in explicit detail around sexual things, and to me, that is enough. We have split up a couple of times in the past because of this, but ultimately i love this man and want to be with him.

Each time it happens, we talk about things, i explain how it has made me feel and he agrees not to do it again - he actually deleted his Twitter account (temporarily) and stopped using Instagram (again temp) when i asked him to, as i'd honestly lost all trust.

When i found out i was pregnant, things seemed to get better, i wasn't as anxious and didn't feel the need to check up on him as much - and the couple of times i did, i found nothing, which was reassuring. But after DD was born, i found out that he had been messaging a friend of his at work on Snapchat - replying to pictures of her with "i would" and love hearts, and at one point asking "So when are we going to do it then" - i was devastated and kicked him out of the house. I cancelled our wedding (due to be June 2020) and said there was no going back.

I was a single parent for around a month, with serious depression and a baby that didn't sleep - it was the hardest month of my life, and when DH came round to look after DD for an hour and put her to bed, we talked and decided to give things another go. Things felt much better again, and eventually he moved back in, and we decided to rebook our wedding (low key registry office this time)

Our wedding is set for April, and we are due to fly to Japan in November to have a renewal of vows (we got engaged there) - 4 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant again, and DH said he didn't want another baby and we couldn't afford it - so i terminated the pregnancy. It was really difficult, as i both agreed and disagreed with the decision, but ultimately decided it was the right thing to do.

Today, the girl from Snapchat popped up on my Instagram (she was a mutual friend, which made things even more devastating before) in a lacy bodysuit with the caption "Some nights you just feel spicy" - DH had liked it, and when i scrolled, had liked almost all of her pictures over the past few months.

I feel betrayed and my self-worth (which is already pretty low) feels at rock bottom. I feel publicly disrespected and like im just not good enough (and never will be) - this girl is nothing like me, she's much younger, with crazy coloured hair and is stick thin, pretty much the opposite to the nearly-30 overweight mum i am.

I know that liking pictures on Insta doesn't mean anything in itself, but i'm honestly devastated - if having his baby and getting married won't make him stop, will anything? Is this my life forever now?

I guess what im asking is, Am i being unreasonable? Should this bother me?

OP posts:
Crowsandshivers · 27/01/2021 10:46

This sounds like a toxic relationship and honestly, he isn't going to change by now. If the month apart didn't change him then I don't think he will. You would be better off without him however hard it is for you. Come to an arrangement with the baby so he can have her overnight every each week (that will help you cope better with the sleepless nights). Remember your dd will sleep better eventually. It sounds like you are miserable either way. Don't put yourself through further heart ache. .

Appledrop · 27/01/2021 10:55

Run, you know from experience that this guy is unreliable. I really don't understand why you keep letting him off the hook? His behaviour is dusgusting and its clear he has zero respect for you. Is all this persistant drama worth it? You'll always be wondering what he's up to, is that what you want for your life and your child? Is he being a good role model to your child because it certainly doesn't sound like it. Run and don't look back.

SJaneS49 · 27/01/2021 11:03

It would definitely bother me! No he might not be doing anything about it (and who knows if he ever would, sounds to me like he might if the opportunity arose) but sleezing over other women is just grim. Many years ago I stayed in a relationship I shouldn’t have done despite the obvious signs my ex was being unfaithful as I was terrified of being a single parent. The reality is while it’s hard work, living without the anxiety was a huge relief. It’s entirely up to you if you chose to stay with him but trust is essential to your future happiness and you only get one life. Is this the one you want to be living?

gettingfedupagain · 27/01/2021 11:03

Don't do it! I had severe PND and couldn't leave my partner because (as useless as he was) I needed him. I look back and think "what was I even doing with him?!"
It was hard to end it as he was the father of my child and I loved him (despite knowing he was a dick head) it's taken a few years to get over him, and seeing him to handover our child made me cry for over a year! I am now totally over him and so relieved we didn't tie ourselves together in marriage. He's not going to change. How many times are you going to let him break your heart?

LIZS · 27/01/2021 11:03

Please don't marry him. He is abusive and taking you for granted.

Regularsizedrudy · 27/01/2021 11:31

I’m sorry but he’s not going to change. Why would he? You let him get away with it every time, there have been no consequences for him. You either need to leave or accept that this is who he is (a twat)

SameToo · 27/01/2021 11:36

Don’t marry him. He’s not going to change and you’ll be forever anxious about what he’s up too.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/01/2021 11:41

This guy has no respect for you and shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone imo

Grimsknee · 27/01/2021 11:41

Its nit a question of "should" you mind. You DO mind, you're ALLOWED to mind. This behaviour has made you extremely unhappy before, to the extent that you've ended it.... more than once.... how are you going to feel ok with it now that he's done it again? Based on what you've said, he's not going to stop behaving like a sleazy unfaithful disrespectful piece of shit... the only way to stop him hurting you is to get rid of him.

MrsWindass · 27/01/2021 11:42

Don't do it . You have one child . You can do this on your own . Men like this do not stop .

BrownFootStool · 27/01/2021 11:50

Yes you should mind. No he will never change. Yes he will make you feel miserable for the rest of your life if you marry him. Yes you should leave him.

You self-respect needs to be more important than your feelings of fear of being alone or love for the man you want him to be.

Lucieintheskye · 27/01/2021 12:06

OP do not marry this man. Being in a relationship with him is bad enough when he's so unstable and lies to you but if you get married you'll have so much more shit to deal with when he inevitably cheats on you again. I have no doubt in my mind that he's had sex with someone else, no man speaks to other women like that without having done more.

Get your finances in order, get a solicitor and get him out. Do not stay with this man. He will continue to lie to your face and attempt affairs behind your back for the rest of your lives and you'll keep letting him off because you love him. You can be in a much more stable situation than you are now, without the constant worry of someone you love lying to you and being unfaithful.

kale99 · 27/01/2021 12:10

Hey going through. Breakup too I seen this the other day it's helping me

Married in 3 months - but history is repeating itself...
Married in 3 months - but history is repeating itself...
Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2021 12:12

How many times does this have to happen before you accept that he will never change? I'm honestly dumbfounded that you keep letting him come back, time after time. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Shesawizard · 27/01/2021 12:12

Thank you all for your replies - i've honestly been in tears all morning. I broached the subject with him and he just doesn't see the issue. The conversation turned into him telling me that i take him for granted and never see the good in him.

I've asked for an emergency appointment with my counsellor, and half heartedly looked at rental properties and cancellation of our flights for November. I honestly don't think i'd be able to afford living alone - DDs nursery bills are over £800 a month.

It's all very overwhelming. I know that you are all right, but it still doesn't feel like a decision that i can make. I feel paralysed.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2021 12:14

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your parents treat each other like this?.

Do not under any circumstances marry this man and certainly do not stay with him because of your child. Call the whole thing off now before you end up in the divorce court because of him.

Pantheon · 27/01/2021 12:15

Don't marry this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2021 12:16

If he does not see the issue then that is even more reason to pull the plug on both marriage and this relationship now. Such men do not change. This is all classic deflection on his part towards you; HE is the one taking you for granted and not seeing the good in you.

Shesawizard · 27/01/2021 12:25

I guess that i should add that in the past when i broke up with him (before DD) on him "cheating" - my mum sat me down and told me i was being silly, it was nothing, and everyone has their issues, you just have to live with them.

She advocated me getting back together with him, and even texted him behind my back to tell him to "keep up the good fight" in winning me back. So role models aren't really a thing here. My dad is an alcoholic, that my mum married after divorcing an abusive alcoholic - to her, texting a girl is nothing.

OP posts:
Woodspritely · 27/01/2021 12:27

Marriage is a legal and financial contract. If it will benefit you to be married, do it. If you then decide to end your relationship you may be in a stronger position. Or not - do the research.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 27/01/2021 15:17

It should bother you. It's so disrespectful, even withoit your history. I don't think you'll be able to trust him properly. I don't think I would be able to.

It sounds like the only reason he didn't physically cheat is because he's been caught beforehand, not from lack of trying/wanting to.

SJaneS49 · 27/01/2021 17:04

I’m sure I’m not the only woman replying here who has been in the situation of worrying about how financially they are going to cope on their own. You will and you do. It will involve a big rejig and a lot of planning. It’s not ideal but honestly the peace of mind in the long run makes it worthwhile. This isn’t a dress rehearsal, this is your life and do you want to look back with regrets?

It’s sounds like both your partner and family have different ideas to what is acceptable and what you should accept to the norm. Look at your DD, if in 20 years time she was in a similar situation, what would you say to her? Whatever that answer is, go with it.

SixesAndEights · 27/01/2021 17:19

He's never going to stop. Please don't marry him. You really need to get out of this toxic relationship for good. Cancel the wedding, if you get married it will be a hundred times more difficult to get away and get your life back.

LIZS · 27/01/2021 17:26

You need to disregard your dm opinions and influence. She is caught in a cycle of passive acceptance of dysfunctional and abusive relationships. You are in danger of the same, only you can break this cycle and avoid your dc believing them to be acceptable or even desirable. Help her to understand that there is a better life out there, by showing her a good example and leaving him. Try ringing Women's Aid and doing the Freedom Programme.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 27/01/2021 17:40

Another to call off the wedding. I would find that behaviour acceptable and you shouldn’t either, even though your husband and mum seem to think it’s fine. My mum like your mum, has a fairly low threshold for acceptable behaviour. When l said l wanted to divorce my first husband for his terrible behaviour then she said I couldn’t Hmm. Thinking of you.