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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married in 3 months - but history is repeating itself...

40 replies

Shesawizard · 27/01/2021 10:39

Morning Mums,

Hope that you are all okay.

apologies as this might be a long one, but i really need to get this off of my chest.

For some context, let me be upfront in saying that i suffer from Depression & Anxiety which i take medication for, and have been with DH (to be) for 11 years now, we have a DD (2 years) and 3 weeks ago, i had to have an abortion which i'm still feeling pretty down about.

In the past, DH has been, what i would consider, unfaithful. He has never physically done anything (to my knowledge) but has spoken to women online (both strangers and friends) in explicit detail around sexual things, and to me, that is enough. We have split up a couple of times in the past because of this, but ultimately i love this man and want to be with him.

Each time it happens, we talk about things, i explain how it has made me feel and he agrees not to do it again - he actually deleted his Twitter account (temporarily) and stopped using Instagram (again temp) when i asked him to, as i'd honestly lost all trust.

When i found out i was pregnant, things seemed to get better, i wasn't as anxious and didn't feel the need to check up on him as much - and the couple of times i did, i found nothing, which was reassuring. But after DD was born, i found out that he had been messaging a friend of his at work on Snapchat - replying to pictures of her with "i would" and love hearts, and at one point asking "So when are we going to do it then" - i was devastated and kicked him out of the house. I cancelled our wedding (due to be June 2020) and said there was no going back.

I was a single parent for around a month, with serious depression and a baby that didn't sleep - it was the hardest month of my life, and when DH came round to look after DD for an hour and put her to bed, we talked and decided to give things another go. Things felt much better again, and eventually he moved back in, and we decided to rebook our wedding (low key registry office this time)

Our wedding is set for April, and we are due to fly to Japan in November to have a renewal of vows (we got engaged there) - 4 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant again, and DH said he didn't want another baby and we couldn't afford it - so i terminated the pregnancy. It was really difficult, as i both agreed and disagreed with the decision, but ultimately decided it was the right thing to do.

Today, the girl from Snapchat popped up on my Instagram (she was a mutual friend, which made things even more devastating before) in a lacy bodysuit with the caption "Some nights you just feel spicy" - DH had liked it, and when i scrolled, had liked almost all of her pictures over the past few months.

I feel betrayed and my self-worth (which is already pretty low) feels at rock bottom. I feel publicly disrespected and like im just not good enough (and never will be) - this girl is nothing like me, she's much younger, with crazy coloured hair and is stick thin, pretty much the opposite to the nearly-30 overweight mum i am.

I know that liking pictures on Insta doesn't mean anything in itself, but i'm honestly devastated - if having his baby and getting married won't make him stop, will anything? Is this my life forever now?

I guess what im asking is, Am i being unreasonable? Should this bother me?

OP posts:
minmooch · 27/01/2021 18:04

Life shouldn't be this hard.

He's not good enough for you, please don't marry him. He's a cheat.

As an aside why do you think your DD's nursery fees would be down to you? These are shared costs of looking after your child.

Shoxfordian · 27/01/2021 18:07

He is continually disrespecting you
Don’t marry him
Chuck him back out again and don’t take him back

GlowingOrb · 27/01/2021 18:07

Every couple gets to define the parameters of cheating. For what it’s worth, I think your are asking for a perfectly reasonable boundary.

Your mother is wrong, just like my grandmother was wrong when she advised my mom to stay with my dad.

ModelCitizen · 27/01/2021 18:32

Your mum needs your life decisions to validate hers. For you to walk away bites away at the wall behind which her grave doubts over own life decisions hide. Pity her but do not listen to her. You need to break down the panic into practical rungs on a ladder out of the situation you are in. If fear leaves you incapable of acting you are guaranteeing yourself decades of distress for nothing. The longer you indulge this behaviour the less likely he will ever behave as you need him to. Please get practical assistance in leaving otherwise your future with this man is a guaranteed misery.

spidermomma · 27/01/2021 19:03

Oh op. He's awful and I feel for you but get rid of his sorry ass x

spidermomma · 27/01/2021 19:03

Also. If you can go to Japan with your dd. Show her the crazy world we live - if your allowed
Make better memories with your dd over the one you had with that waste of space ! Xx

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 27/01/2021 19:16

Your Mum has no respect for herself or for you. Don't follow her terrible advice.
She's disloyal to you too, texting someone you were breaking up with behind your back.
Looks like you have better standards than she does, don't forget that.

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/01/2021 22:57

Hell would freeze over before I advised any daughter of mine to entertain that bullshit.

Don't marry him OP he's a compulsive liar and serial cheat.

You need to crunch the numbers in detail and see what you're entitled to benefits and maintenance wise.

gettingfedupagain · 27/01/2021 22:59



Vtech · 27/01/2021 23:00

It’s only your life forever if you continue to put up with it. Stop doing that. He is never going to change which means you are never going to be happy.

gettingfedupagain · 27/01/2021 23:10

This

Married in 3 months - but history is repeating itself...
WhatKatyDidNxt · 28/01/2021 10:10

Duh. I meant UNACCEPTABLE not acceptable

Eloisedublin123 · 28/01/2021 10:11

Horrible OP sorry x

JemimaRacktool · 28/01/2021 10:40

Stop trying to get him to see things from your point of view.

Get him out of your life as far as you are able. Take control.

You MH issues will go away when he does. I guarantee it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/01/2021 11:51

There's one overriding question here.

Do you want to be married to, and spend your life with, a man who is a prick?

If not, cancel the wedding. Break up with him. Move on. He's not worth any more of your time. We get one life. He doesn't deserve yours.

And your kids don't deserve to exist within this cycle of him upsetting you and you being anxious over when the next cycle will begin.

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