Seeking advice - I always become obsessive/controlling towards men

[Newyork9]

Please be kind
I feel like such a bad person already

I have always been a very obsessive person, particularly when it comes to relationships and men. This started from a young age, maybe in my teens. When my first boyfriend broke up with me at the age of 14 I tried to take my life.

I fall for men very easily, almost as if I am in love with them after a couple of weeks and when things don’t work out (which is always, hence why I have been single for around 10 years) I become obsessive. I will stalk them on social media, sometimes even make fake profiles to check up on them if they have blocked me on my real account. This will go on for say a few weeks to a couple of months and then I suddenly just get over it and move on. But I know I make it a 100 times harder for myself by becoming obsessive with them.

I find it very hard to let go of people and move on. It has been like this with every man I have dated (so not just ones that I thought were special so to speak although I’m worse with the ones that I’ve had very strong feelings for). I have been dating a man for the last two months, I honestly thought he could be the one. We had an argument a couple of weeks ago and because he wouldn’t speak to me, I rang him around 30 times in one day and sent multiple messages. He forgave me for this but it’s happened again tonight and I’ve just kept on calling and calling for the last two hours. I think I’ve called around 20-30 times. I’ve stopped now. I know he could report me for harassment and maybe he should. Things were going well, there was no reason for us to argue but I started the argument. I know I’m a very argumentative person. I find fault in everything and I’m a very paranoid person with lots of trust issues.

He has told me that he hates me after all the horrible things I have said to him tonight and I can’t blame him really. He’s called me a psycho and said I’m crazy. I think he’s right.
I feel devastated.

Why am I like this?
What’s wrong with me ?
Do I need professional help?

If you looked at me I would seem like a normal person to you. I work full time, live by myself. Have a good family unit with some close friends. They don’t know I behave this way towards men. I thought I would have grown out of being like this but I just haven’t. I think deep down there is a part of me that enjoys being unhappy. It’s almost as if once I’m happy and things are going well in my life I have to do something to ruin it but I don’t know why that is.

Will I ever be able to date men without turning into a psychopath?

I am sorry for rambling in my first post, I hope it makes sense.

You most definitely need professional help, and the sooner the better. I highly suggest you don't get involved with any more men until you come to grips as to why you behave this way.

Didn't want to read and run

I think it's a very strong positive you can recognise this. This is the first step.

Can you speak to your GP? I do think you need someone professional to help unpick this.

But I just wanted to say - be kind to yourself. If you manage in every other aspect of your life maybe it's something about relationships which triggers this behaviour.

Hope someone more helpful will be along soon

Thank you for your reply.

I agree, I need some sort of help. I don't know why I behave this way and it's ruined a lot of potential happy relationships over the years

Thank you for your kind message @isitsafetocomeoutyet

I keep thinking to myself it's borderline abusive what I have done tonight to him, calling and calling. Harassing him all night. If the roles were reversed I'm not sure he'd get much sympathy.

I feel like an awful person and wonder if I'll ever be able to be happy with someone.

I have a lot of trust issues, I don't know why exactly. I've never been cheated on as far as I'm aware although one of my ex's did sleep with my best friend after we split, but I was very much still in love with him at the time. This could be why, not that it should excuse my behaviour now.

The social media stalking and falling in love easily isn't ideal but it's not uncommon either... The harassing is more serious. What's going through your mind when you're making the tenth call, say? I've only ever done this when my OCD has convinced me someone has been in an accident.... Do you feel anxious? What about? Angry? What is your mind telling you is happening?

I think many people will have had exes that cheated but your reaction to innocent men is extreme. Perhaps it's more deep seated than teenage angst and you would benefit from professional counselling or psychoanalysis.

It can't be pleasant feeling as you do but it must be extremely disturbing for those men. Sooner or later one of them is going to out you to your friends and family. It's really only a matter of time. Don't get into any further relationships without seeking help to stop this.

@Hangingover It is normally a mix of emotions but I would say anxiety is the main one. I find it very hard to believe what people tell me. The first time we argued he told me he wanted me to calm down and that he was going to give me a few days to think things over and that we would talk then. I didn't believe him and felt that if I didn't speak to him that day, hear his voice that day then he would move on to someone else hence why I rang him multiple times that same day. I had to convince him to give me another chance, promised I wouldn't do this again but here we are.

I would say seek professional help and you may find this stems from childhood, what was your relationship like with your father ? How was your father towards your mother? Did you grow up in a loving supportive family? Or did you find that your emotional needs were not met? Maybe you were ignored and that's a trigger. These are things you can talk to. Professional about and find where this stems from. You need to work on yourself, you won't be able to have a healthy relationship unless you work on yourself.

@Miffyliffy I don't have a relationship with my real father although he has tried over the last few years to get in touch. My mum divorced him when I was 5. She has never bad mouthed him in front of me but I believe he cheated on her several times and use to physically abuse her, even putting her in the hospital once. I never witnessed any of this. He has never paid for anything even though he is well off (has owned his own business for the last 20 years).

My mum use to drink - not an alcoholic but a binge drinker. She stopped after being caught drunk driving and has been sober for around 8 years now. We are very close. I also have a very good relationship with my step dad now too. He has done more for me than my real dad ever did. (Please don't think my mother was awful, she had her problems but I never went without. She worked full time without any financial support for years barely keeping a roof over our heads but I always came first). Her drinking started after they divorced.

You sound like you put them on a pedestal which, in your mind, makes them too good for you, so you're constantly worried about them leaving. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy then because after you undervalue yourself and tie your self worth up with having them, your dependence puts them off and then your self worth crashes and the obsessive stalking kicks in because you can't believe you've screwed it up. The arguments are you testing to see how far you can push them - if they really love you, they can see you at your worst and still love you theory but underneath that is the expectation that they won't. You're punishing yourself in a way.
Are you by any chance on the pill? An acne related one? That can intensify your emotions and make people behave in a very similar way. If so, change it asap.
It's easy to say build your self esteem so you don't view relationships in this way, but it's a hard thing to do. Really taking a total break from dating is what I'd do. You need to value yourself as an equal to the people you date and to have a life outside them.

Sorry for the rambling OP! It's late and I'm under a 4m old! But I hope some of that made sense.

I didn't believe him and felt that if I didn't speak to him that day, hear his voice that day then he would move on to someone else hence why I rang him multiple times that same day

But this thought must surely clash with the knowledge that phoning someone that often will scare them and put them off?

@Carouselfish your comment really resonates with me. I think you've honestly hit the nail on the head, particularly with the putting men on a pedestal bit. I have very low self esteem. I view myself as fat and ugly. I've said to this particular man a few times that he can do better and he always use to ask me why I would say something like that. I agree that I also try and push them to see if they will stay. I guess it's a test to see if they really care about me or not.

@Hangingover yes, I think I know deep down it will push them further away but I just put it to the back of my mind. I just have to talk to the person. It's almost as if it's a task and I have to complete it. I know that sounds silly but it's the only way I can explain it to you

Didn't want to read and run either.

Def try and get professional help - CBT might be the first thing to try?

I also think it's a huge huge positive that you've posted this and can see rationally that how you're behaving isn't quite right. That's half the battle surely?

Hope it works out

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but my best friend sounds exactly like you and does a lot of the same things and is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Carousel that's amazingly insightful - bit scary even as I used to be prone to similar behavoiur (not in number of phone calls but generally) and indeed I was on that pill.
But to be fair to OP, she does have afull time job, friendsa and a good r-ship with mum so she does have a life outside of men and shuold derive self-esteem from that, so why still low esteem with men specifically?
I do think the absent father is very much the source of trust issues (and that he cheated on your mum), OP. Presumably your step dad wasn't there strraight after they've split so you had few years of your father disappearing. But it is great that step dad thing worked out (in my case it starte dwell but went sour when i was a teen). So there is def something to build on - with a good therapist.

sorry for many typos!

This could be totally off-beat, but do you always do stuff like the multiple calls thing. OP? I only ask because I behaved like that towards my most recent ex at times, and he had me totally convinced I had serious psychological problems. But in fact, I behaved like it because he had wrought me to such a state of anxiety and need with his manipulative behaviour - I had never done it to any of my men previously, and I don’t do it to the one I am with now. But had you asked me to describe myself while I was in that abusive relationship, I would have said similar to what you are saying. He convinced me I was a terrible person. My friends kept telling me to stop reading from his script, that is was bollocks, but I just couldn’t see it.....

This may not be the case for you at all, and I am almost delirious with insomnia so may be making no sense, but it just struck me - perhaps you had a right to be angry with him if he told you to go away for a few days and think about what you’d done? That behaviour would madden me, and most people I know, to be honest. I’m not suggesting that ringing him 30 times was the wisest idea ever, but you take my point.....

Anyway, that was what I felt reading your post, for what it’s worth. You look after yourself. X

Hi Op. I think it's a real positive you have the self awareness to recognise that your feelings and behaviours are disproportionate to whatever is going on. I definitely agree with seeking some sort of therapy. In addition, are you familiar with codependency? It takes a while to get up or head round but I think if you read up you will identify with much of what you read. In (very) short, it's about becoming entwined with other people in an unhealthy way and the inability to retain an independent sense of self in relationships. A brilliant book to get you started is this one

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=nodl_

I found it so helpful when Someone suggested it to me after my marriage broke down and it felt like a relief to make sense of why I was feeling the way I was. There are also meetings too in non covid times but they are on line at the mo. They were also a life changer for me.

Good luck

It sounds like you tick boxes for having borderline personality disorder. Have you done any reading on this personality disorder! Does any of it resonate with you?

Hi OP have a look at SLAA - sex and love addicts anonymous- you may identify with some traits.
You have insight - it means you can get help and move forward.
Good luck.

It’s really good that you recognise this in yourself. I think the first step is to find a counsellor or a therapist, there’s some online apps you can use so have a google, as it may be hard to find one face to face at the moment. Perhaps it might help you to work through the worst case scenario, so what if he leaves you? You’ll be ok. You were ok before you met him and you’ll be ok afterwards. Try some distraction techniques next time so you can’t use your phone or give it to a trusted friend and ask them not to return it whilst you process what’s happening.