Seeking advice - I always become obsessive/controlling towards men

[Newyork9]

Please be kind
I feel like such a bad person already

I have always been a very obsessive person, particularly when it comes to relationships and men. This started from a young age, maybe in my teens. When my first boyfriend broke up with me at the age of 14 I tried to take my life.

I fall for men very easily, almost as if I am in love with them after a couple of weeks and when things don’t work out (which is always, hence why I have been single for around 10 years) I become obsessive. I will stalk them on social media, sometimes even make fake profiles to check up on them if they have blocked me on my real account. This will go on for say a few weeks to a couple of months and then I suddenly just get over it and move on. But I know I make it a 100 times harder for myself by becoming obsessive with them.

I find it very hard to let go of people and move on. It has been like this with every man I have dated (so not just ones that I thought were special so to speak although I’m worse with the ones that I’ve had very strong feelings for). I have been dating a man for the last two months, I honestly thought he could be the one. We had an argument a couple of weeks ago and because he wouldn’t speak to me, I rang him around 30 times in one day and sent multiple messages. He forgave me for this but it’s happened again tonight and I’ve just kept on calling and calling for the last two hours. I think I’ve called around 20-30 times. I’ve stopped now. I know he could report me for harassment and maybe he should. Things were going well, there was no reason for us to argue but I started the argument. I know I’m a very argumentative person. I find fault in everything and I’m a very paranoid person with lots of trust issues.

He has told me that he hates me after all the horrible things I have said to him tonight and I can’t blame him really. He’s called me a psycho and said I’m crazy. I think he’s right.
I feel devastated.

Why am I like this?
What’s wrong with me ?
Do I need professional help?

If you looked at me I would seem like a normal person to you. I work full time, live by myself. Have a good family unit with some close friends. They don’t know I behave this way towards men. I thought I would have grown out of being like this but I just haven’t. I think deep down there is a part of me that enjoys being unhappy. It’s almost as if once I’m happy and things are going well in my life I have to do something to ruin it but I don’t know why that is.

Will I ever be able to date men without turning into a psychopath?

It's almost as if it's a task and I have to complete it. I know that sounds silly but it's the only way I can explain it to you

I have OCD so it doesn't sound silly, I know the feeling well. It's like you're on autopilot. But eventually you have to find a way to put other people's feelings before your own impulses, no matter how hard it is. Or at the very least to "triage" the impulses as a way of practicing suppressing them. What I mean by that is when you get a paranoid impulse (in my case, the fear someone I love has been hurt because they've not got in touch when they said they would, for example) I will delay and delay and delay making the call as long as I possibly can; I tell myself to wait until a point at which a reasonable person might call. E.g DP said he'd text me when he was home. I expected he'd be back 20 mins ago, but he's not. Make a cup of tea. Clean the sink. Still no message? Maybe send one message at 30 mins (not saying "are you home?" but just something innocuous, in case he's already home but forgot to message), then wait, do more small tasks, try and wait til one hour before calling etc. etc. Sounds tiring but it does work with practice. Also in my case a huge amount of anxiety has been relieved by us both having "find my phone" although I see in your case that wouldn't be appropriate. I do understand how you feel, I do. But it is selfishness to indulge your paranoia at someone else's expense. It's your responsibility.

I was like this with my late DH. We were trauma-bonded and in my case it manifested in massive, massive anxiety. I was extremely lucky that he put up with it - although honestly it made me more miserable than it did him. It changed almost overnight for me when I went on fluoxetine for post-natal depression. The anxiety disappeared and I had proportionate responses to things. I couldn't believe this was how normal people lived, it was so much easier and I was so much happier. Please seek professional help. You don't have to live like this.

Hi, this sounds like borderline personality disorder x

Also sounds like borderline personality disorder to me. Definitely seek professional help.

This book helped me process a lot (alongside therapy).

www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Hi OP
You sound like you recognise that you want to change how you have acted and how you feel. I think if possible counselling would help you explore some of these themes.
I have had counselling and they do ask about childhood experiences and family set up etc and you might find self esteem issues have come from then.
I do sympathise as only after having counselling a few years ago I've realised I have self esteem issues and it does impact on my current relationship. I can also be argumentative and difficult sometimes to my DP I wish I could chill out more and leave it.

I too used to ring my ex husband countless times but he was a serial cheat and my trust never recovered.

As above, do some reading about borderline personality disorder and if it seems familiar, approach your GP. Also look into Dialectical behavioural therapy, you can get a DBT skills workbook to explore at home.