Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBX wants me to take DD out while he picks up

41 replies

sophmum31 · 26/01/2021 16:50

I don't know what I'm expecting from this post but I'm really cross about a situation and need to let off some steam.

I'm getting divorced, myself and the children live in the family home while STBX has rented a house in another town. My STBX and our DD14 have had a tricky relationship for a while now, he is controlling and wants everything his way, she won't be controlled so they end up at loggerheads most of the time. He has bullied me since he has left, a lot of this she has witnessed and she is in a position where she never wants to see him again (I wish i could also make that decision!).

Last week, he came to take the family TV from the living room wall while she was watching it (he already has a TV at his rented place and we have another smaller older tv he could take but he wanted a smart tv apparently and its his as he paid for it). This resulted in a big argument between them (I was working and not able to stop it happening), she was trying to stop him taking it and ended up throwing the remote control into the street and broke it. This resulted in his accusations that he would call the police on her, that she would have to pay him money for every minute he did not have a remote control and that he wouldn't cooperate with the divorce until she replaced it from her own money (he said this directly to her).

If this isn't mental enough. He is coming on Saturday to pick up our DS10 for a few days. He has suggested over text that when he arrives on the drive he will wait in the car and I will have to take our DD out while he picks our son up. WTF?? Obviously I'm not going to but I can't even believe the suggestion!

OP posts:
OnceIWasAnApe · 26/01/2021 16:54

He is a horrible bastard and I'm sorry you have to deal with him.
Don't engage in conversation about anything. No is a complete sentence. Of course you won't take DD out. And of course she isn't going to pay for a new remote control.
[Flowers) to you OP x

SpaceRaiders · 26/01/2021 17:15

Who walks in a removes the tv from his children’s home?! If it’s any consolation, at least your Dd can see what an idiot he is.

pog100 · 26/01/2021 17:23

You say divorcing, so you are married. The TV like everything else you've acquired during your marriage is a marital asset, not his, surely?
His behaviour is despicable and everyone would agree. I think you just need to stick to your guns. It's sounds like expecting him to cooperate in the divorce was never likely anyway.

Horehound · 26/01/2021 17:32

He shouldn't have taken the TV and it's not just "his". What a knobber I am raging on your behalf.. your poor daughter.

Does you son even want to see him?

Original poster
sophmum31 · 26/01/2021 17:39

@Horehound yes our son does want to see him. They have a completely different relationship and he idolises his dad. He's an easy going child who happily goes along with stuff. I'm sure when the teenage years hit and he wants to do his own thing this will all change. He overheard the argument and in his eyes it was all his sister because all he could hear was his dad getting angry. It's causing a rift between them too which I'm working hard to fix.

I don't know what kind of man removes his children's tv. He told me that I had to go and buy one because if he had to he would be demanding that money back in the divorce settlement. His whole life is ruled by money!

OP posts:
Horehound · 26/01/2021 17:41

I hope he doesn't start brainwashing your son in some way.

I know he sounds really horrific. My advice would be to tell him all communication needs to be via email only. I'd also set up a new email specifically for him so that you can log in when you feel like it rather than getting sporadic emails to your personal account and feeling stressed when they come through.

Mintjulia · 26/01/2021 17:51

He sounds ridiculous. Ignore his stupid demands. If he suggested blocking the divorce over a remote control that his own child broke, he would be laughed out of court.

Sit tight, and carry on being a calm reasonable mum. You will be rid of him soon.

candide47 · 26/01/2021 18:18

All of the above plus change your locks and don't let him over the threshold again.

updownroundandround · 26/01/2021 18:27

Quite honestly it's not up to you to take your DD out, just so that he is not inconvenienced etc. Nor is it your responsibility to 'pave the way' for him to be able to avoid his own daughter. Their 'relationship' will never have the opportunity to get any better that way.

Make sure to tell him that you are keeping a record of everything he has taken from the shared marital home and that you will be passing it on to your solicitor to be taken into account in the final settlement too !

updownroundandround · 26/01/2021 18:29

Oh, and keep him out of your home ! He does NOT get to pick and choose what he wants to take out of it !

Change the bloody locks !

Theunamedcat · 26/01/2021 18:33

Change the locks anything that is removed shoukd be by consent if you get grief over it cite abuse directed towards your 14 year old as a reason

skankingpiglet · 26/01/2021 18:37

Echoing changing the locks ASAP. This reminds my of my Dad. During the divorce DM and I returned one week from the weekly shop (in the days when you visited bakers, butchers etc separately, so it took some time) to find he had taken 'his half' of the furniture. Who does that to their child?! (Obviously an abusive arsehole. This was not the worst he did by far sadly).
And obviously ignore his ridiculous request about going out whilst he collects your DS.

Original poster
sophmum31 · 26/01/2021 18:54

@skankingpiglet he came 2 weeks before Christmas and took the sofas from the living room, two sideboards, the curtains, and the house phone. We do have another sofa in the loft room and I got my dad and a friend to get it down for me. When he discovered this he lost the plot because I had broken COVID rules! He thought it was acceptable that his children spend Christmas sitting on the floor!!

I've been keeping a record of these crazy things and it's now 7 pages of A4! I could go on all day.

Unfortunately I am not allowed to change the locks but I am now keeping the door bolts so he can't enter the house without me knowing.

OP posts:
IndieTara · 26/01/2021 19:00

Op he will only get worse I'm afraid but your DS will see the real him at some point

blackcat86 · 26/01/2021 19:01

Have you spoken to your solicitor about him continuing to remove essential household items without warning and harassing you and your DD in your home? It may be his home to but I would be seeking advice on how to not allow this fuck wit to treat you like crap in your own house. I hope your lawyer is a SHL that can take him to the cleaners (I don't say that lightly but this is a man who took the bloody sofas). I would refuse to engage with him aside from one email address checked weekly on a day to suit you aside from when he actually has DS. I'm glad your DD has enough boundaries to refuse contact with him. Good for her! The cheek of this man!

Wartigen · 26/01/2021 19:03

What has your solicitor said about this outrageous conduct?

thenewduchessofhastings · 26/01/2021 19:04

I'd actually consider getting in touch with a social worker regarding your tit of an exes interactions with your daughter;he's subjected her to emotional abuse and intimidation.

I'd also speak to them about his controlling behaviour and your son because your son is at serious risk of being emotionally abused here also;his dad will be filling his head full of shit about you and your daughter and could lead to issues at home.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 26/01/2021 19:12

I would be getting an occupation and non molestation order out against him. That's abusive and threatening behaviour towards your child. Speak to a solicitor and file the papers. Once that's done if he comes near the house again you can have him arrested.

shittestxmasever · 26/01/2021 19:14

Omgoodness op I'm so sorry he is SUCH a shitbag. How dare he ?!

CaraDuneRedux · 26/01/2021 19:19

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

I would be getting an occupation and non molestation order out against him. That's abusive and threatening behaviour towards your child. Speak to a solicitor and file the papers. Once that's done if he comes near the house again you can have him arrested.
Yes.

I'm sure what he's doing would meet the threshold for coercive control.

What an arsewipe of a man (sad apology for a man at that).

combatbarbie · 26/01/2021 19:23

What an absolute prick! I am truly gobsmacked that he has removed the TV and couches. As for pick up, tell him to stay in car and you'll send DS out. There is no requirement for him to enter the house. You may not be able to change the locks but you can have a non molestion order granted. I'm fairly sure your 7 pages of A4 will be adequate enough. Get it done ASAP!

HelloDulling · 26/01/2021 19:24

He sounds like an arse, but I don’t understand what he’s asking you to do. Go out with your DD so she’s not around? But won’t that mean leaving your ten year old home alone until his dad picks him up? I may just be being dim and this isn’t what you mean at all.

Cuntitinthebin · 26/01/2021 19:43

Honestly impressed with your daughter for standing up to him.

I only wish she'd thrown the remote at the tv.

Abusive fucking prick!

waitingforadulthood · 26/01/2021 19:45

So sorry you have to go through this op. He sounds dreadful. I've no advice beyond re iterating what others have said. You don't need to listen to him. Of course you don't need to take dd out- she's been through enough disruption and inconvenience. Divorce is hard on teens and when it's accompanied by one parents extreme bitter aggression leaving her with a half empty home at no notice, if I were you, I'd do everything I could to enforce any sense of stability for her I could. That means never forcing her from her home. Your stbx sounds a Dreadful Man.

Manda2725 · 26/01/2021 19:49

When I was 9 my dad left for another woman and did stuff like this. He came into our house and smashed eveeything, took our video recorder, even took my mums clothes, ripped them up and put them on her friends door step. I'm 40 now and have had absolutely nothing to do with him since I was 14 (my choice). Best choice I ever made. He is absolutely In the wrong for doing that and I wouldn't let him dictate anything to me. Stand your ground. It's so hard, I really feel for you xx