Is it normal to be overprotective of my new baby with MIL?

IHTC · 26/01/2021 15:31

Oh my goodness, I could have written this myself back in September when I had just given birth to our daughter. Like you, I had no issues with anyone other than my MIL. The first time she came over, I cried because I hated the idea of her coming anywhere near her. It was so strange! You're definitely not alone. Must be quite common! Xx

1940s · 26/01/2021 15:33

@blueskiesandapples

I'm after some reassurance or hearing from others of their experience please.

I have a 2 week old baby who came two weeks early and everyone is besotted with them. We are obviously being incredibly careful because of the pandemic, but has anyone else experienced getting overprotective of their baby with their MIL? I've been fine with my parents and my FIL holding the baby but for some reason when it comes to my MIL I can't leave her alone for even a second, can't let her push the pram etc and I have no idea why. Something is making me go all momma bear and it's really upsetting my husband and MIL. Has anyone else had this? If so what did you do to overcome it or did it just get easier? X

When you say it's upsetting your DH and MIL what are you specifically doing? You must realise that this is your irrational thinking and you can't 'act' on it

OrangeGinLemonFanta · 26/01/2021 15:34

I was the same, and everything MIL did with DC1 annoyed the snot out of me. We actually had a really good relationship. Luckily I was able to realise I was being batshit and bite my tongue. It happened again with DC2 so I was braced for it. If your MIL isn't doing anything actively dangerous just grit your teeth, the feeling will pass and you'll be thrilled in later years that your toddler will play nicely with her while you sit and drink a cuppa.

omg35 · 26/01/2021 15:35

Completely normal but the main reason I'm so glad to have daughters!

I think it's because you're trying to create your own little family unit when you have a baby ant you feel secure enough to let your own family in because they are the ones that have got you to this point but you don't want any external people getting involved.

My first MIL was/is a massive twat however which obvs didn't help!

Notapheasantplucker · 26/01/2021 15:35

Just here to say you're not alone, I was a nightmare when I had my first.
It wears off after a bit though so don't worry. I really doubt you'll always feel like this.

Ikora · 26/01/2021 15:38

I wasn’t but I never viewed my situation with her as a competition.

ivfbabymomma1 · 26/01/2021 15:42

I was a nightmare with anyone touching my baby/taking over but i bit my tongue the entire time because everyone loves newborns, they come from a place of care & love (in my situation) but I did used to cry before and after people came round!!! It only lasted about 12 weeks and then I was able to relax

Original poster

blueskiesandapples · 26/01/2021 15:44

She is great with her and this isn't her first grandchild. I know I'm being overprotective but it's super reassuring to know I'm not the only one to feel this way. I think it is because she can be quite intense - she is so excited and in love that she just wants to get really close to her face which I'm not comfortable with yet. Also, when she comes round, she won't relax until she has hold of the baby, hovering near me, sitting on the edge of her seat, unable to focus on anything but the baby for more than a few minutes and that puts me on edge.

OP posts:

Ginandshinythings · 26/01/2021 15:44

Oh my goodness, yes me! My mil didn't want to hold my son, her first grandchild and I literally turned against her and made her feel so awkward it made her behavior worse. I think I took all my emotions and crazy hormones out on her and made her a nervous wreck, which on reflection I felt terrible for. Now she looks after my son once a week and we've never looked back. I'd say it's very common, almost primal instinct, another women with your baby.

happytoday73 · 26/01/2021 15:49

Congratulations on your new arrival ..
I think you are feeling very overprotective at the moment... Natural to some extent but please don't let it get out of hand...

At just 2 weeks early your baby arrived at what is considered full term and both you and baby are fit and well. So its all good in a world that is somewhat strange at the moment...

Your MIL is probably mega excited, wants to help and (hopefully) desperate not to step on your toes.

For everyone sake, unless there is a specific thing she does that worries you, give your head a little wobble and realise that this is unfounded anxiety that you need to work on. Just give a little, let her push the pram, swallow the feeling and next time it'll be a little better.

YoniAndGuy · 26/01/2021 15:52

@blueskiesandapples

She is great with her and this isn't her first grandchild. I know I'm being overprotective but it's super reassuring to know I'm not the only one to feel this way. I think it is because she can be quite intense - she is so excited and in love that she just wants to get really close to her face which I'm not comfortable with yet. Also, when she comes round, she won't relax until she has hold of the baby, hovering near me, sitting on the edge of her seat, unable to focus on anything but the baby for more than a few minutes and that puts me on edge.

So actually she's not all that 'great' with her - she's pushy and intense and is doing things you've presumably asked her not to - ie getting her face right into the baby's face?

And - let me guess - your FIL is normal, loving but respectful, and isn't acting slightly weird and OTT? So you're fine with him?

This isn't your problem. Time for a chat with MIL and DH, as it's clearly already something out in the open - and be quite clear that no, this isn't you being overprotective as much as wanting family members to not act overbearingly but be normal, relaxed grandparents. I would not be happy about anyone 'hovering' and hassling me until I gave them my baby, and I wouldn't want anyone sticking their face into my newborn's in that manner.

ShinyGreenElephant · 26/01/2021 16:07

The day DD2 was born MIL was holding her and said 'Oh I shouldn't kiss her because I've got a cold sore but I just cant resist'. Well I've never moved so fast in my life to take her off her and I've never felt comfortable with her with the kids since, despite both me and DH telling her very clearly that cold sores were to go nowhere near babies. Already feel sick at the idea of her holding DD3 when she's born, covid will come in handy for once to stave that off for a good while. So I feel exactly the same and very much sympathise!

Aria2015 · 26/01/2021 16:14

It's normal. I had it with my first and second dc. It does wear off over time. I knew I was being unreasonable so bit my tongue and tried my level best to hide it. Not sure what causes it? Hormones maybe? I don't like the feeling though and am glad when it eases up!

updownroundandround · 26/01/2021 17:00

Totally normal, though never easy to 'explain' is it ?

You'll just need to hide it as best you can. I used to get DH to give MIL the baby when I was otherwise occupied, as when I was just sitting watching her my teeth would be on edge

Try and see it as an opportunity to do other things i.e make a cuppa for everyone, nip to the loo, anything.

As soon as baby is mobile, they get to choose who they will go to, and they'll let everyone know it if they're thwarted by an overbearing GP !

Herbie0987 · 26/01/2021 17:14

Have you heard of the lockdown, nobody should be near the baby who does not live in the house, I had a grandchild born in November and have only seen her from a distance.

Esmeralda1988 · 26/01/2021 17:20

I felt like this too but that might have been something to do with MIL referring to herself as 'mummy' when holding my newborn DD! If she isn't doing anything like that or being too pushy then I would try and reason with yourself that you're being irrational but also whatever the reason if you're finding it hard, you're finding it hard and they need to support you to feel more comfortable.

Esmeralda1988 · 26/01/2021 17:26

Sorry just seen your update. That's probably contributing to how you feel. Can you explain to DH that you feel like this and could he ask his mum to back off a bit, wait to be given the baby? Another issue I had was my DP would just give DD straight to his parents and I wouldn't get to hold her at all for the three hours we'd see them for, I didn't feel confident to say 'ill take her now' and it was agony. My DP didn't understand this at all unfortunately and we had some horrible rows about it. But once we'd agreed I would hold DD and offer her to his mum to hold when ready I felt a lot better. I think part of this feeling is the lack of control over who your baby goes to and when.

EveryThingWillBeWorthIt · 26/01/2021 17:26

@Herbie0987

Have you heard of the lockdown, nobody should be near the baby who does not live in the house, I had a grandchild born in November and have only seen her from a distance.

This is only applicable if you are living in a part of the world that is in a lockdown. On the basis of OP's post I would assume that she is not within the UK or anywhere else that is in a lockdown.

Someone had to make it about COVID

Angeldust2810 · 26/01/2021 20:30

I think your update hit the nail on the head and you shouldn’t blame yourself. It’s a natural instinct to recoil from someone who is too pushy. It puts you on edge. That’s why you are ok with others, because they aren’t hovering and wait to be offered a hold. I know she’s excited but that’s not ok when it boils over to making a new vulnerable mum unsettled. She’s an adult who should learn to control herself. The irony is if she did you would feel like offering and she would get to hold her gc more.

Lockdownisshit · 26/01/2021 20:39

Completely normal
Its a feeling in your stomach i can actually feel it reading these comments and my ds is 8
Lol 😆
Doesn’t help when the mil isn’t very hygienic
I remember mil doing things like licking ds ice lollys before giving it to him🤢
And when he was newborn she sat on the floor with her trainers on his new baby blanket & jacket my blood was boiling

3JsMa · 26/01/2021 20:53

When I read your OP,I was thinking what it could be but after your update I will feel exactly the same.It will be so frustrating and anxiety-inducing if someone will hover over me and baby like this.
Just to reassure you,2 weeks before due date is not an early baby,it is still term baby so don't worry to much.
However,I would explain to your DP what makes you feel uneasy with MIL and to her as well if possible.
In the end,it is your baby,you gave birth to him and we are in the middle of pandemic so your visitors should be very understanding.Not to mention you are probably very tired and learning how to be a parent so deserve space and respect.

C0NNIE · 26/01/2021 20:56

@Herbie0987

Have you heard of the lockdown, nobody should be near the baby who does not live in the house, I had a grandchild born in November and have only seen her from a distance.

This.

Are you in a bubble with your in-laws, as you talk about them coming round and holding your baby ?

If so, how can your mother come round hold your baby when she’s not allowed in your house ?

winniesanderson · 26/01/2021 21:06

I felt like this too, with both my children, with my own mum. Really really hard. And took a while to ease off actually. I think it was a combo of the hormones, me being completely shattered and a bit shell shocked each time and my mum being very excited and overbearing. Also her having had pretty easy labours and completely different early days. Several days in hospital each time compared to my few hours etc. She's always been one for telling people what she thinks they should be doing too. She thought it was helpful, I found her advice very much conflicted with my instincts. Now I'm completely over it, but it was stressful. I hope she didn't know though. I think I managed to hide it for the most part.

cautiouscovidity · 26/01/2021 21:13

Are you in the UK? Nobody should be coming into your house to hold the baby except the ONE household you've bubbled with (which is permitted in England if you have a baby under 1, I'm not sure about other UK nations).
Newborns are vulnerable to infection at the best of times. Slightly early-born newborns in a pandemic are even higher risk. You should be doing everything you can to protect your baby. That means no one from outside your bubble coming into contact with any of you but especially not the baby (and those that you do bubble with should ideally be isolating if they are coming round for cuddles etc).

Vtech · 27/01/2021 04:07

I’m lucky to have an excellent relationship with my wonderful MIL. I actually feel more confident with her holding the baby than my own mother, because she is much calmer and more capable about it.

It sounds like you’re having an instinctive reaction which is likely quite normal this soon after giving birth - your hormones are still all over the place and you’re feeling raw and vulnerable. Grin and bear it for a while if you can and it will almost certainly improve.