Stay at home parent VS working parent

[Mum0fF0ur]

Just wanting a second opinion on a few things my DH has said in regards to me not having a paid job outside of the home and whether I am over reacting.

A bit of background info first. We have been together for 15 years and have 4 children together. I was working when we met but fell pregnant very early in our relationship, so I've been a stay at home parent for the majority of our time together.

He says that he has 5 dependents (4 children plus me). He tells me I've had a free ride for the past 15 years. He asks what have I contributed over our time together.

I've said we are a partnership and I feel it's degrading when he speaks like this (usually only comes up in arguments). Because he works outside of the home I am able to stay home with the children, and because I stay home with the children he is able to work outside of the home. That's how our partnership works.

He has a flexible but very physical job. He usually works less than 8 hours each day.

Are all 4 children from him or are some from a previous relationship? Surely the issue of working would have come when deciding to have more children? How old is the youngest?

It sounds as though he is no longer happy with you being a SAHP and unfortunately it is an arrangement which requires the support of both parties.

It seems like either way you will need to get a job, if you stay with him he clearly feels you should. And if you decide that they way he has treated you means that you no longer wish to be with him then you will also need to get a job to support yourself.

Let me guess. He hasn't actually looked after them alone for any extended length of time while doing the housework as well.

Get a job. And before you do work out a rota for housework, childcare and a budget for all that. He'll be happy to contribute I assume.

4 kids? And you've made 'no contribution'. Wanker.

I was a stay at home parent for nearly 5 years, partly because we moved countries for my husbands job. I have recently returned work and boy it was a shock to his system! No longer dinner on the table, being reintroduced to what a toilet brush is etc etc.....

Are all of the children school age ?

I can give you a second opinion. I would not for one minute accept what your husband has said to you. It is immensely disrespectful to all SAHMs and shows how little he cares for you as a person. He sees you as cleaner, babysitter and cook. My thoughts are...get a job immediately, put your ducks in a row and move on. You are worth a million times more than what your husband looks at you as. Never, ever be spoken to like that again. Appalling behaviour.

Well, his comment about having five dependents is purely factual. All six of you are financially dependent on his salary.

His comments about a "free ride" and you not having contributed are totally out of line though. How did you come to SAH? Did he encourage it?

He should absolutely not speak to you so disrespectfully and I'd haul him up on that asap, but it is a substantial burden to have to earn for six people and I think it is reasonable for him to say he no longer wants to do that alone.

He says that he has 5 dependents (4 children plus me). He tells me I've had a free ride for the past 15 years. He asks what have I contributed over our time together.

In a purely financial sense, you are his ‘dependent’ as you depend on his income to support you.

The rest is bloody awful though. Surely this isn’t the first time in 15 years it’s come up? What is the history? Why are you arguing about it but not changing the things that need to be changed - if they do?

Because he works outside of the home I am able to stay home with the children, and because I stay home with the children he is able to work outside of the home. That's how our partnership works.

This is true it’s how your partnership currently works but to be honest, nothing you’ve said about his job sounds like it precludes you working outside the home, and your children must all be school-age, I’d assume? What’s the long-term plan for you working?

Thank you everyone. All 4 children are ours. The youngest has started full-time school last year, so it was my plan to look for a part-time job but then covid hit, our children were home from school for a period of time due to that and we had some illnesses as well. They had coughs and colds but weren't allowed back at school. The cough lingered on for a couple of weeks. My two youngest were off school for 8 weeks in total.

It is still my plan to find job that will fit in around school hours. We are on our summer break at the moment, but our children are back at school this week.

I have been a sahm and a working mum and now a single working mum. I can see his point re the financial side but his other comments are a ill judged.

I think now all yr children are sch age then yes, you should be at work. Given his work is physical i would be worried that should his income stream lessen/cease if he was unable to work, this leaves yr only wage earner vulnerable.

I much prefer working. I found being a sahm unfulfilling tbh. An endless round of chores etc but i threw myself into 100% and maybe put undue pressure on myself ,now i look back.

I enjoy working and regaining the financial independence i had as a younger woman. It gives me choices and freedoms. I like looking smart and being involved in the adult world. I am a happier person . Other parents/people did look down on me when i was sahm so this mindset is not uncommon. I personally found that hard as i actually had my own money earned when i was younger and investments. I was a sahm but i had my own monies to support that. People just assumed i was i was being supported by my now ex DH and they could be dismissive of me at times as i chose to stay at home with my children. I personally found that hard to stomach.

Your husbands work is flexible so will definitely help with childcare arrangements. As yr kids get older, childcare becomes easier. Your DH has not communicated very well with you and been unappreciative but i can see his point. Return to work OP, 15 yrs is a long time to have been out of work. Also, your DH is 15 yrs older . There is only so long he can work in a physical role.

Return to full time OP and you will open up a whole new life for yourself and your family.

"@OfficerHops Get a job and see how quickly he’ll wish you hadn’t. You’ll have to pay for wraparound care for the kids, there will be no home cooked meals waiting for him, you’ll have to pay for a cleaner."

Eh? Working parents can cook. People/ families still eat when working full-time. Working parents successfully navigate wrap around care. Working parents can clean. What silly things to say. Yes Op, get a job... that'll learn him.

How about get a job, fulfil yourself OP? You can do this OP. You have dedicated 15 yrs to yr family, now time for you and your financial contributions/freedoms.

I think now all yr children are sch age then yes, you should be at work.

With one, that's great, I went back to work much earlier. But with four? Even small amount of childcare will add up.

Ah. You're married to a twat. Sorry.

My dad was just like this with my mum. We didn't have a good relationship with him at all once they divorced. Because he was a twat.

"@MrsTerryPratchett I think now all yr children are sch age then yes, you should be at work.
With one, that's great, I went back to work much earlier. But with four? Even small amount of childcare will add up"

Op's eldest children will be teenagers. Not all 4 will need childcare. I know a mum with 3 under 8 and she works. Can be done no problem.

You haven't said what your financial situation is like. Are you comfortable financially or struggling? I don't know what age you are, but what are your plans for eventually retiring, what about pensions, do you have a mortgage and when will that be paid off?

No doubt these are all things you have talked about over the years and things you have both considered when deciding one income was sufficient for your family. Has your situation changed recently? Or has your DH always felt this way?

Can be done no problem.

Childcare is expensive and not always available. Some of us have no family support and shrugging off this as 'no problem' really is a little naive.

Maybe, but not always.

Well he’s a dick. You’ve been raising the kids which has presumably suited him till now.

If youngest is at school then good time to go back. It sounds like he may not be Mr Forever so I would really try snd get a career going, not just minimum wage, even if it involves getting some after school child care. Often when men start complaining about SAHM not pulling weight it is a bad sign that they no longer value the relationship. In the meantime make sure that you going back also means he starts contributing at home - he isn’t exactly killing himself with those hours.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate your varied opinions and experiences. Glad I am not alone in thinking some of his comments were out of line. I am feeling like my contribution to our family, raising our children has not been appreciated. I read a few other posts about splitting child raising and chores 50/50. This definitely doesn't happen in our house. It would be closer to a 95/5 split. I do everything around the house including mowing the lawns, taking out the rubbish, cleaning up after the animals etc.

I worry how I would keep up with it all when I add in paid employment outside of the home. But I guess he would have to start helping out?! How do you change ingrained habits though?

"But I guess he would have to start helping out?! How do you change ingrained habits though?"

For a start, rephrase that first part: He will have to share the childcare, housework and garden work.

It's not "helping". It's his house and they're his kids.

"Now that I'm working outside the home, your jobs every day/week are:
A
B
C
etc"

OP, also have a read of this and tell your disrespectful husband how much you've contributed to the family in unpaid labour.
www.hrdive.com/press-release/20180514-salarycom-reveals-stay-at-home-moms-are-worth-162581-a-year/
I can't believe he doesn't even mow the lawn - what does he do with his time off???

But I guess he would have to start helping out?!

No no no no no.

He would have to do his share of the care of your joint children and home.

The very first thing to do is for YOU to stop thinking of this as your job. It's not your job. It just happens that you do most of it because you aren't working. If you are working, he does half.

I worry how I would keep up with it all when I add in paid employment outside of the home

^
Either he picks up the slack or you pay a nanny /childminder/ chief cook and bottle washer.

Do NOT think that you have to work part time and do 95% of the frigging housework!

Do you own the house you live in? Your name is on the deeds? Please say yes

What a bastard he is for saying that!!
If he wanted you to share some of the financial burden then he could have approached it in a better way.

It is still my plan to find job that will fit in around school hours. We are on our summer break at the moment, but our children are back at school this week.
...
I worry how I would keep up with it all when I add in paid employment outside of the home. But I guess he would have to start helping out?! How do you change ingrained habits though?

If you somehow manage to find a job that fits in around school hours then he will use your short working day as justification for continuing to do nothing at home. As far as he will be concerned nothing will change for him except for more money coming in. That is clear from his attitude and what he has said to you.

@grassisjeweled

Do you own the house you live in? Your name is on the deeds? Please say yes

Yes, both names are on the house. He's already told me that I can't afford to live here.

The house is my job and his work is his job. He says I wanted to stay home with the children so this was my choice, deal with it.