Stay at home parent VS working parent

[Mum0fF0ur]

Just wanting a second opinion on a few things my DH has said in regards to me not having a paid job outside of the home and whether I am over reacting.

A bit of background info first. We have been together for 15 years and have 4 children together. I was working when we met but fell pregnant very early in our relationship, so I've been a stay at home parent for the majority of our time together.

He says that he has 5 dependents (4 children plus me). He tells me I've had a free ride for the past 15 years. He asks what have I contributed over our time together.

I've said we are a partnership and I feel it's degrading when he speaks like this (usually only comes up in arguments). Because he works outside of the home I am able to stay home with the children, and because I stay home with the children he is able to work outside of the home. That's how our partnership works.

He has a flexible but very physical job. He usually works less than 8 hours each day.

It wouldn't matter if you weren't on the deeds really, as you're married.

You own half of everything whether your name is on it or not.

If you split, you might be entitled to a greater proportion of the assets as he has the earning power, and as you'd likely have the dc more. You would have claim on his pension etc.

So he can flounce around thinking he's the big fucking I am, but your contribution to the marriage and family is in fact recognised by the law. Remember that.

Personally I wouldn't rush to get a job unless he's willing to pick up half the childcare and housework. Otherwise you'll end up slogging your guts out for a limited wage that he'll probably sneer at plus doing everything at home. Fuck that noise.

I absolutely agree with the above post. Don’t rush into just any job because you will be still be considered the go-to person for the household as well as your job. Take this time to consider what it is you really want to do with your life work-wise in the future, but don’t be rushed into it by your rude husband. If you weren’t there at home, you both would have to fork out for someone else to look after the children, clean the house, tend garden (ie a massive contribution) - he would be wise to remember that!

It's pretty much over. I said to him some partners work and still come home and put in 50/50 with their partner around the home, but I've never expected him to put in 50%. He said I should expect 0% from him because he's worked outside of the home.

He asks what have I contributed over our time together.

This is a very easy question to answer. You can, of course, say you were raising the kids, ensuring they're happy, healthy, well adjusted etc But we all know that's not what he means.

So, to make it about him/finances:

• you have saved the family 1000s (probably 100000s) in childcare costs.
• you have ensured that he does not have to do any childcare/compromise on his work or working hours etc as a result of childcare needs
• He has not had to do any housework, cleaning, cooking, planning etc
• he has not had to pay for any of the above either - eg a cleaner.
• He has been provided with (I assume) healthy, tasty meals at regular intervals without him having to think about it, plan it or make any effort himself.

Twat.

I agree that if you get a PT job, he will still expect you to be 95% responsible for everything else. If you get a FT job, you will have a stronger argument that you then either both pay towards help or share the load, but TBH I would be surprised if he responds well to either of these scenarios as he sounds like a misogynist. Next time he tell you you are his 'dependent', please point out that HE is dependent on YOU, and, furthermore, does he have a problem with his own kids being dependent on him?!

When men begin to think like this they are re evaluating their life and marriage . I assume you both wanted four children ? It is a large family to support on one wage . I think you have more than a work division to tackle here .

Definitely can be done. I have 4 children and have always worked fulltime, outside 10/11 mont maternity leaves with them all which was helpful when we had a baby, toddler, 2 school runs etc. Lots of juggling sure and prevents twat comments now from disgruntled male partners. Mine actually does more of the cooking and childcare now as my career has eclipsed his so I am busier with it.

In you situation OP this is definitely a "give him enough rope" situation imo. Get a job, enjoy your time away from what you have been doing for many years now which, lets face it, can be a bit of a slog. Enjoy some time and peace to yourself, enjoy using your brain in a different way and enjoy watching him realise the implications of his words - more involvement in childcare and running the household from him, no dinner on the table every night etc.

I have quite a few friends who have been in this situation over the last few years, as our children are getting older and theirs are all at secondary school. In some case it has resulted in a split - but in most, the woman working and having some time to herself has, after some adjustment, made the relationship much more equal and, crucially, made them much happier. Some of the men have probably come to regret those very same words about "what have you contributed" and many golf/cycling/whatever relaxing hobby have had to be pared back but, welcome to our world ....

He is disgusting speaking of you like that. Who does he think raised his children? If it were me, I would get a job and make plans to leave. After 15 years if this is what he thinks of you, don't be too sure he won't leave you high and dry one day. He clearly thinks you add no value to the home, horrible man.

@Mum0fF0ur Honestly arrange to leave them alone with him to look after for a weekend and stay elsewhere with family/friends/hotel. Don't prep anything for them or help him, just leave him to it. He's the children's other parent so is just as responsible for them as you are. It's the ONLY way a lot of men truly understand the work involved. His rhetoric and resentment towards you will continue unless you do this. Shielding him from the realities of running family life has done you no favours.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Can be done no problem.

Childcare is expensive and not always available. Some of us have no family support and shrugging off this as 'no problem' really is a little naive.

Maybe, but not always.

Exactly. Shows the middle class bubble mindset that assumes that everyone can afford childcare for 3 children. Also a lot of people don't have family/friends nearby who can help on a reliable and regular basis.

For the OP's situation it may turn out that it's better for her to get a job now the children are older, but speaking generally, the way a lot of women are looked down upon for choosing to stay home and spend those precious childhood years with their own children instead of sending them out to childcare, is shocking. Looking after your own children and shaping the next generation in this world shouldn't be looked down upon at all.

For some women it's out of necessity, for others, they wish to prioritise spending more quality time with their children (years which they can't get back) who are the most important feature in their lives, instead of more money or career milestones, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Enjoy some time and peace to yourself, enjoy using your brain in a different way and enjoy watching him realise the implications of his words - more involvement in childcare and running the household from him, no dinner on the table every night etc.

That only works if he actually steps up and does his share. If he doesn't, op is left exhaustedly doing everything because someone has to. And given she's been out of the workplace for over a decade, the wage she would bring in will probably be low, so he might argue it's still not enough to outweigh his mighty contribution. She needs to be sure he'll step up otherwise it'll just make her situation worse. Better divorce the fucker and then get a job.

I think you need to step away mentally and emotionally from what your dh is saying and approach this logically and with clear sight.

I’m a sahm too, and when we evauated our situation we decided that it was within our interests as a family unit for me to continue for reasons like

• dh didn’t want to step up and take responsibility for kids sick days, unexpected half days or school closures (he would be in a more secure position to do this than I would as I tried to establish myself in a new position)
• financially we wouldn’t have been better off once we factored in wrap around care, holiday care, taxes, the increase in my spending in hair/make up/clothes, contributions to work events, social events, help to take ds to therapies, possible need for extra support after school.
• pre covid we travelled a lot, and could take advantage of weekend breaks. But the work I do in the home would get reassigned to evenings and weekends. Effectively that would mean a substantial drop in our standard of living and work life balance

Now I’m in a situation where my work is seen and respected. I have a pension and other financial protections. And my dh likes his job and doesn’t want to swop for a moment!

Your situation is going to be different but if you look at what you do and drill down into the details and work how where that would be reassigned. Look at the finances fully. If working would mean running a second car add that in take that into account. Remember that his salary will drop too when the tax is readjusted.

If it helps, have a think about the advantage a man in his 50s, with a sahm wife has over a woman in her 50s working in the exact same job who is married with kids. Even with a sahd, (and the majority of women in this position don’t have this), women still report that they carry a significant mental load re children, and household management. Men benefit hugely from sahw - and their promotions and salary increments reflect the ability to stay late, never running out on an important client to pick up a sick child, not having to keep a running tally of groceries, play dates, doctors appointments and their laundry magically appearing in the wardrobe.

Personally I think the very worst position you can be in is working part time because you then have to do everything. If you work full time you’re in a much stronger position (particularly if your dh is a twat) to fairly distribute the invisible and overlooked work.

He’s absolutely entitled to object to having to shoulder the whole financial burden but he needs to be clear sighted on what the alternative is. If he genuinely doesn’t think you’ve contributed, he’s in for a very rude awakening. I would far rather be the only breadwinner than be a sahm and resented and undervalued.