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Original poster

A double bluff...?

51 replies

Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 14:10

Partner regularly (I'd say once out of every two times we meet) starts sentences with 'I have no problem with women but...' then mentioned a problem he has with a women.

He doesn't tend to generalise to all women with the rest of the sentence (like it'll just be a complaint about a female neighbor or something) but the very fact he starts the sentence with 'I have no problem with women...' makes me wonder - if he does.

He will occasionally 'justify' it by saying he is only talking about a certain type of women.

Im starting to wonder if it's all double bluff. If it's an equivalent of 'I'm a nice guy'.

He is a bit too free with words like 'slut' too.

It's starting to give me the ick.

I kinda want to pull him up on it. But I have stopped myself because I want to know how deep it runs and if i call him out on it, he may just hide it better.

He has never been anything but kind, thoughtful and respectful towards me. Apart from those comments of course which...quite frankly,arent on.

Atm I'm not sure if its just immaturity or something greater. I think I could have dismissed it as just silly talk if it had been once or twice. But now I'm starting to wonder.

I mean if the relationship goes south, how long until I fall into the section of womanhood he dislikes, you know...

Ugh, think I might have to end things. It just isn't sitting right with me. Shane shame because apart from this I really enjoy his company.

I just wondered if anyone else had a partner who was a bit free with derogatory words but remained respectful towards them or they were able to successfully pull him up on it.

Extra so as not to drip feed:
We have been together 6 months, have bubbled but dont cohabbit, see eachother around twice per week and I'm 30 and he is 28.

OP posts:
Candleabra · 26/01/2021 14:15

Oh dear. I wouldn't be happy about that either. Sounds like he's keeping you sweet whilst telling you what he thinks about other women (sluts presumably....? though you're not like that are you?...until you talk to another man...).
And so no, all the nice men I've known are not horrible about other women whilst being lovely to me. They're nice to all women. It won't be long before he says what he really thinks to you either.

Unanananana · 26/01/2021 14:16

He sounds like a sexist pig. Yuck.

The hills are that way =====>

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 14:17

Men haters, 'feminaxi' and 'sluts' yes.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/01/2021 14:17

End the relationship, break up this bubble. You are with Mr Wrong here and you've already got the ick about him. Do not ignore those gut feelings of yours. You are being dragged down here by him.

Re your comment:-
"I kinda want to pull him up on it. But I have stopped myself because I want to know how deep it runs and if i call him out on it, he may just hide it better.

There is no need for further analysis of him, it runs deep and that is all you need to know. Maybe you've also stopped yourself from pulling him up on this because you are afraid of his reactions if you do.

Re your own self raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward and work on your boundaries in relationships; men like this can and do erode boundaries.

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 14:25

Next problem is going to be how to break up during lockdown.

I dont think it would be unsafe but I'd rather not split at his or my house you know. And we dont do walks :/

OP posts:
Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 14:30

@Astrasunny

Next problem is going to be how to break up during lockdown.

I dont think it would be unsafe but I'd rather not split at his or my house you know. And we dont do walks :/

Do it over the phone! It alarms me you’re even having to be thinking about safety when ending things, but you’re right, of course, because ditching him will just add you to the list of feminazis who’ve wronged the poor diddums.

But do it.

Lovelydiscusfish · 26/01/2021 14:32

Definitely I would end it if you are feeling like this just 6 months in.

I’m also worried when you say you don’t THINK it would be unsafe. It depends how you mean that - do you have a slight worry. If so, do it over the phone. I know that’s not ideal after a 6 month relationship in perfect circumstances, but your safety comes first!

carlaCox · 26/01/2021 14:34

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until I saw "feminazi". That's the kind of language they use on those weird "manosphere" forums and videos. Not surprised you've got the ick OP!

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 14:46

Dont worry, I just say 'I dont think' because he is never anything but kind and respectful to me (bar the comments). But i just think it foolish to break up in private with a guy. Becayse you just never know! I certainly would never split up in a private residence in normal times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 14:48

I dont think I can do this one over the phone. Might have to though right enough.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/01/2021 14:52

He will occasionally 'justify' it by saying he is only talking about a certain type of women

You'll be well rid of this one! Just text and say it's not working out.

Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 14:52

@carlaCox

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until I saw "feminazi". That's the kind of language they use on those weird "manosphere" forums and videos. Not surprised you've got the ick OP!
Exactly. It’s a classic MRA term.

OP, recast it as him regularly saying he has no problem with black people before going on to recount a problem he’s having with a black neighbour, or a black colleague, but those are just a particular type of black people, obviously. And he’s free with ‘pki’, ‘ch k’ etc.

How would you interpret that? Racist or not?

BornIn78 · 26/01/2021 14:55

I dont think I can do this one over the phone

Why not? Confused

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 15:04

I think I'd feel better knowing I'd done it in person. I think I need that level of closure for this one too.

OP posts:
Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 15:07

@Astrasunny

I think I'd feel better knowing I'd done it in person. I think I need that level of closure for this one too.
Unpick that, OP. Why?
Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 15:13

Because he has made me happy and we've had a great 6 months. Bare in mind this is only one thing I've mentioned about him that is bad so of course you guys have the worst part of him that makes it easy for you to say 'text dump'.

But apart from that he has been great. Kind, funny, lots in common and just good company in these times. I want to end things on respectful note.

And I also feel like his reaction to it might be worth seeing in terms of closure. If he takes it well,I can be relieved. If he takes it badly, I'll know I've done the right thing. Also, in person you can make it seem more mutual than over the phone.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 26/01/2021 15:18

I think your gut instinct with this is right; it sends all types of alarm bells and reminds me very much of an ex who was very critical of women but started off sentences in a very similar way. He also used to say he was nice guy. Non surprisingly he was not a nice guy.

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 15:24

Yeh the thing is when I'm with him my gut loves him. I've never felt more comfortable with someone! Just, at ease you know.

Everything's just been so easy and nice.

Until he started saying these things.

And now its going 'uh...well that's not good'.
And I'm starting to get the ick.

I'm perfectly happy single so know I'll dump him if it's the right thing to do. But I've been waiting it out a little in the Hope's it was a blip. And I realise that's not wise. So alas, I think he has to go.

But I'd rather do it in person I think.

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 26/01/2021 16:30

So I thought about this. I know you say you guys don’t go for walks - but you could text and suggest meeting up in a park or something. Fine, that will probably clue him in to the fact that something is up - but I don’t think that’s a problem? It’s probably better if he possibly works out what you are planning in advance - kind of softens the blow.

I do get what you are saying about wanting to do it in person. Because although it sounds like he isn’t the one for you, you still care for him in some ways. That’s fine. Makes you a better person, in fact! I was dumped over the phone after about 6 months a couple of years ago (not even during Covid - guy was just a twat!) and I felt pretty aggrieved.....

Having said that, certainly NO putting yourself at risk OP - please! Your safety comes first, always.

WhiteboardPens · 26/01/2021 16:33

I get what you're saying, OP.

Sometimes people respond as though you're describing a permanently and completely vile individual when, in reality, it an aspect of their personality you have seen.

In reality, 6 months isn5t a long time and he will be being on his nest behaviour in many respects. This is a glimpse you are seeing into the core him so I agree that you're right to end it because the better you get to know him and the more time you spend with him, the more of this you would begin to see.

But, at the moment, you have only seen lots of lovely stuff and this one thing, which makes it harder.

I ended a 10 month relationship over the phone because I just wasn't happy anymore. I didnt give him any details, I just said that being with him wasn't making me happy.

It's fine to do that.

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 17:03

Yeah, thanks guys :)

I wish I could hold off until the cafes ect open again. Tbf I guess that would give me a little extra time to be sure of my decision too, so I'm tempted.

I don't think he will be up for a park walk but I may have to try that route.

I feel it would be cruel of me to phone break up as it would be totally out of the blue. He doesn't deserve that. And I wouldn't want to fuel any women hate if it is there. Which tbh, I'm not entirely sure it is.

I came from a working class naughbourhood in a small town and it really just reminds me of the immature attitude of the boys there growing up. No malice in it or hate but just immaturity and no thought to the way their words can harm womens self esteem.

And I dont think I can stay with someone like that. It's too immature. But part of me wonders if it is just that, could i overlook it?

Longterm though I don't think so. So probably best to cut and run.

OP posts:
Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 17:12

And I also feel like his reaction to it might be worth seeing in terms of closure. If he takes it well,I can be relieved. If he takes it badly, I'll know I've done the right thing. Also, in person you can make it seem more mutual than over the phone.

OP, that's a bit mad. Why would you want it to seem like a 'mutual' breakup when it isn't, he's turned you off with his apparent misogyny? And why do you need to see his response in person? Is it because you actually want him to fiercely refute any charges of misogyny and emerge as a secret feminist campaigner or something, in which case you will say 'Oh, silly me!' and get back with him?

And I dont think I can stay with someone like that. It's too immature. But part of me wonders if it is just that, could i overlook it?

Why are you collating misogynistic remarks with immaturity? I'm also from a working class background, and I wouldn't expect that kind of thing from anyone male past the age of 'Ew, girl cooties'. And, whatever is fuelling his remarks, could you overlook his disdain for just over half of the human race like it's a taste in comedy socks or tattoo of his ex's name?

carlaCox · 26/01/2021 17:20

And I dont think I can stay with someone like that. It's too immature. But part of me wonders if it is just that, could i overlook it?

I don't think you should overlook it but I think you should chat to him about it. Even if you don't want to be with him it might be useful for him to know that was what put you off so that he could reassess his views on this stuff.

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 17:25

I get what you are saying but no I dont want to do it in person so I can be talked out of it, promise. As you say, it's not really the sort of thing he could convince me I was wrong on after the fact (after I've had to bring it up to him).

Yes, I worry as I think 'immaturity' is often used when actually, 'emotionally damaged' would be more accurate. But this is one of these rare cases where i do wonder if it actually is just the former.

But I guess its not worth the risk.

OP posts:
Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 17:30

I don't get the 'emotionally damaged' thing either, OP. Would you view him repeatedly saying 'I'm not racist, but...' as a sign of emotional damage? Or just the kind of unthinking racism that imagines that preceding some complaint about black people with the statement 'I'm not racist' gets them off the hook on a technicality?

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