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Original poster

A double bluff...?

51 replies

Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 14:10

Partner regularly (I'd say once out of every two times we meet) starts sentences with 'I have no problem with women but...' then mentioned a problem he has with a women.

He doesn't tend to generalise to all women with the rest of the sentence (like it'll just be a complaint about a female neighbor or something) but the very fact he starts the sentence with 'I have no problem with women...' makes me wonder - if he does.

He will occasionally 'justify' it by saying he is only talking about a certain type of women.

Im starting to wonder if it's all double bluff. If it's an equivalent of 'I'm a nice guy'.

He is a bit too free with words like 'slut' too.

It's starting to give me the ick.

I kinda want to pull him up on it. But I have stopped myself because I want to know how deep it runs and if i call him out on it, he may just hide it better.

He has never been anything but kind, thoughtful and respectful towards me. Apart from those comments of course which...quite frankly,arent on.

Atm I'm not sure if its just immaturity or something greater. I think I could have dismissed it as just silly talk if it had been once or twice. But now I'm starting to wonder.

I mean if the relationship goes south, how long until I fall into the section of womanhood he dislikes, you know...

Ugh, think I might have to end things. It just isn't sitting right with me. Shane shame because apart from this I really enjoy his company.

I just wondered if anyone else had a partner who was a bit free with derogatory words but remained respectful towards them or they were able to successfully pull him up on it.

Extra so as not to drip feed:
We have been together 6 months, have bubbled but dont cohabbit, see eachother around twice per week and I'm 30 and he is 28.

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 17:39

Well no because it's not the same thing. People dont start off hating a race, they grow into it. Unless they come from a background of racists,in which case it's all they know and maybe when they move away, they grow out of it.

Where as 'banter' from men which was derogitory towards women was commonplace where I grew up (not hate, just childishness) Its possible he just never had anyone question him on it because it's still the same with everyone he is around and so he's never questioned that way of thinking. Which would be immaturity.

Emotionally stunted would be of however,it turns out that he genuinely views women with contempt and isnt just parroting a narrative he has grown up with.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 26/01/2021 17:40

Mmm closet mysogynist....

Don't bother calling him out just end it.

Plussizejumpsuit · 26/01/2021 17:44

Jesus this would give me the ick and clamp my fanny closed. So unappealing.

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 17:44

That being said, he is an adult. And I don't think it's up to me to enlighten him.

I'm not sure I would give it as a reason for the split. I'll have to think on that too. But I feel if I did and it turned out he genuinely hated women then I would just be giving him a clue on how to con the next lady to come along. Though i as pp has said, I kinda want to broach it with him incase he is just not thinking and to give him opportunity to learn and mature.

So yeh...lots of thinking to do. I'll probably just wing it on the day though lol.

OP posts:
KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse · 26/01/2021 17:47

In my experience people accidentally show you a little bit of who they are quite early on and if you accept it they then feel comfortable to drop the disguise once you're cohabiting, married, pregnant. They are red flags we can choose to ignore or see. I ignored them to my detriment and someone who made sexist comments about women became an abusive husband once he'd trapped me.

Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 17:49

@Astrasunny

Well no because it's not the same thing. People dont start off hating a race, they grow into it. Unless they come from a background of racists,in which case it's all they know and maybe when they move away, they grow out of it.

Where as 'banter' from men which was derogitory towards women was commonplace where I grew up (not hate, just childishness) Its possible he just never had anyone question him on it because it's still the same with everyone he is around and so he's never questioned that way of thinking. Which would be immaturity.

Emotionally stunted would be of however,it turns out that he genuinely views women with contempt and isnt just parroting a narrative he has grown up with.

You think people have to 'learn' racism, but that hating women is innate to boys, unless they grow out of it?

I really don't understand how you're equating misogyny with male 'childishness' on class grounds, and this guy, aged 28, has just never happened to run into anyone who pointed out that wasn't OK, so it's not really his fault?

@Astrasunny, I don't in the least intend to be aggressive towards you, as you've been nothing but open and pleasant on this thread -- I'm just genuinely curious about the way your thought processes work on this one, especially as someone from a fairly deprived working-class background myself.

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 17:51

Yeh pp that would be my worry. Tbh I'm not looking for anything serious like marriage and kids so it was really just a bit of fun and company that I was hoping would last a while. Maybe someone to travel with ect. But I think even so, the risk outweighs things...

OP posts:
Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 17:59

Yeh I getcha, I guess I'm just thinking back to my own childhood where boys were always parroting bad attitude towards girls ('girls are weak/crazy/gossips' ect). It wasnt 'innate' but it was clearly learned young.

It makes you wonder what their fathers were like though, looking back.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 26/01/2021 18:06

@Astrasunny

That being said, he is an adult. And I don't think it's up to me to enlighten him.

I'm not sure I would give it as a reason for the split. I'll have to think on that too. But I feel if I did and it turned out he genuinely hated women then I would just be giving him a clue on how to con the next lady to come along. Though i as pp has said, I kinda want to broach it with him incase he is just not thinking and to give him opportunity to learn and mature.

So yeh...lots of thinking to do. I'll probably just wing it on the day though lol.

He's either a misogynist or a grown adult who has never stopped to critically analyse/reflect on his own attitude. Neither are good.

Replace the word woman in his sentence with black and reflect on your own reaction to it. I bet you wouldn't even entertain him as a partner?

You likely have a level of internalised misogyny that you think is 'acceptable' most of us do. It's socially conditioned unfortunately. But it's worth challenging your own potential biases so that you can be clear on boundaries for future relationships

Monr0e · 26/01/2021 18:33

So what kind of women does he class as sluts? Women who date a lot? Enjoy sex? Dress a certain way? And you never challenged him on it?

Does he know you're a feminist? Whats his problem with equality?

If he's doing it as often as you say it would be easy to wait for him to do it again and point out that's why you're breaking up with him.

FlatteredRhubardFool · 26/01/2021 18:45

Ugh, no. I get the in person thing but this guy will not react well if he believes these things about women. Message then block is what I would do. He'll either turn on the charm or turn deeply insulting and nasty in my experience. Don't give him the chance.

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 19:16

The slut comments have only ever been joking about someone promiscuous on tv. But we'll be joking about how she has all the fellas and he'll say that word and it's just like 'erm.. too far'. Its more that he uses the word too freely for my liking.

He doesn't slag off his exs or anything like that.

It's more the bringing up of not having a problem with women (I mean...well why bring it up then :/ ).

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/01/2021 19:28

I don't date men (or women as I'm bi) who call any woman a slag or a slut. They are inherently misogynistic terms that reveal a lot about the character of the person using them.

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 19:34

Yes its not a word I like or would use myself, at least nowadays, so I especially don't like hearing from a man.

OP posts:
luckiestgirl · 26/01/2021 19:48

Is he using the word slut in a derogatory way? Or the modern way, where we’ve claimed it and now it’s just a shorthand for people who like having sex with lots of people? I use the word slut, I’m a slut, a couple of my friends are, in my circles it’s not meant in a demeaning way, it’s just a factual word for a normal thing. Is he using it like that? Or does it feel like he’s looking down on the women for being slutty?

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 19:53

I'm not sure pp. Which is part of the issue.
But to be fair, its not nice to be heard either way.

OP posts:
Dozer · 26/01/2021 19:53

Only 6 months of dating, with limited time together in person, and he is already displaying obvious sexism.

Wouldn’t waste any more of your time, especially if you want DC. Sexist men who can’t pretend not to be sexist during the ‘honeymoon’ early part of a relationship are unlikely to behave decently should you ever have DC with them.

Dozer · 26/01/2021 19:56

It’s weird that you haven’t brought it up with him.

Bet if asked direct questions about his attitudes, eg SAHMs getting a share of their ex’s money upon divorce, abortion, he’d reveal some more sexism.

Dontsayyouloveme · 26/01/2021 20:04

Big red flag! Exh used to call famous successful women whores, a lot of friends we’re lap dancers. No, im not saying lap dancers are whores, I’m trying to get across how totally hypocritical he was, in that his reasoning was famous women just sell themselves for money!

He also called successful, famous men, vermin and scum.

An incredible amount of hatred towards people he didn’t even know. Full of self loathing and shame, projected onto everyone else.

I’d be off like a shot at the first whiff of attitudes like this OP

Bouledeneige · 26/01/2021 20:40

I would t have managed 6 months of this. And if I heard a man speaking about women like this he'd have heard back from me pretty sharpish.

Original poster
Astrasunny · 26/01/2021 20:45

He doesn't say it with venom or anything. But it still just seems disrespectful to me.

They are throw away comments but they feel...dismissive and reductory I guess.

OP posts:
BonnieDundee · 26/01/2021 22:04

After 6 months? Get rid. This is him on his best behaviour. Before you know.it, you will be the slut and the feminazi.

Kilcaple · 26/01/2021 22:20

@BonnieDundee

After 6 months? Get rid. This is him on his best behaviour. Before you know.it, you will be the slut and the feminazi.
Well, I think this is contributing to the OP’s reluctance to end things, and her (to me strange) desire to try to make it look like a mutual split — she’s well aware she is likely to be designated feminazi and slut etc.
IJustWantSomeBees · 27/01/2021 23:09

Ew, not a good sign at all. He is letting the mask slip, when someone shows you who they really are believe them.

johnd2 · 27/01/2021 23:24

That's your good old unconscious bias, going a step further and it's leaking out in a very unhealthy way. He clearly has some awareness that it is not ok but hasn't had enough people calling him out on it.
Does he only have male friends who are similar? Our does he keep his thought to himself except with you?
Either way it's not your problem to solve, and you're right to move on, but in general it's everyone's duty to constantly call people out on this kind of thing as that's the only way to snap people out of it. So I'm a little unsure why you didn't feel able to call him out on it and that in itself is a red flag for me.
Good luck!