My husband of many years and father to our two children is increasingly angry and resentful of me and won't communicate over it and won't allow me to do things to help either. He fights fire with nuclear weapons, his body language is bristling and unfriendly and he's started to make odd comments about me ("Jesus look at your glutes" "your hair looks better now it's longer" that feel like compliments but not at the same time.
We both work part time, he in an office over night 2 nights, me very shifts 4 days a week from home.
Just today he really blasted me but sadly my work microphone was on so they heard:
(I offered to do a shop - he likes to make a big thing of me never shopping despite the fact that I pick up food (veg from market, toilettries, housestuff etc from other places and other household stuff probably once a day pre pandemic) as well as doing shops probably half the number of times he does)
He had tense body language and tension in his voice saying that we needed:
washing stuff
tinned tomatoes
dishwasher stuff
meat,
dried goods,
loo roll --- going on previous flare ups he rattles off this list because "I won't pick these things up properly, the dates will be not long enough you name it, it'll be wrong
I am working (hi intensity stuff, on permanent TEAMS call, 3 computer screens, have to ask permission to leave desk for loo etc) and was curt and felt attacked a little by the list and said: I get the message
He kicked off with: Well you can go your F*CKING SELF shouted really angrily which sadly my colleagues heard since I wasn't on mute. No one said anything but I felt dreadful, muted and had a little cry to gather myself.
He brought me up the lunch I had made y'day and banged it down. Cue me having another cry (muted)
He then said he was going to the supermarket (leaving me with 2 children in the house while still on shift) and I offered to go, saying in as conciliatory way as possible that I really don't mind, you do it often, if it helps I am happy to go...
He replied: "You need to run," (to which I replied it doesn't matter I can later) "you need to interact with your children" (that one hover in the background alot) take xx out for her exercise
I offered again, was refused, said it was unfair if I offer to do thing thing but am not allowed.
"All I want if for you to be civil to me" "You need to sort your anger out, the way you speak to people, others have commented....."
It's the same with laundry, I don;'t do it, if I do I do it badly, Laundry baskets are slammed down next to me, with this heavy sighing etc. But if I offer to do I am challenged. It's like he wants to be this martyr ad I can't take that from him (very like his mother)
By the way if you knew me you clearly see I go mental over tidying - I actually always have loved cooking and cleaning and sewing and DIY and it soothed my childhood when things were bad, so I actively love it. I do woodworking and painting and DIY etc, I earn the same, engineered my work so I'd hardly miss being there for the children.
He is suffering clearly, feels rudderless and has done nothing to talk about loss of his father a few years back and come to terms with his bad relationship with his mother. He won't talk to me though. If I am a good girl everything is fine.
He's has always been generally dismissive and avoidant but he never used to be so unkind or been told I'm 'mad' 'irritable' or whatever defensive slingshot he chooses. If I were to cry he'd roll his eyes now.
If anything is lost it is immediately my fault.
I met him after a really bad time after I'd done a year abroad and was raped. He was there for me, kind and helpful. We were big partiers back then - maybe because I was vulnerable and somewhat pissed a lot I didn't notice the powerplay.
I don't drink now (he does heavily 50 60 units although would deny it) and am very into running and looking after myself - I think that has turned the dynamic and because I am sober I notice stuff more, plus I am older and stand up for myself.
I always make the conciliatory gestures, always say sorry (the word has never passed his in a non sarcastic way)
I am not blameless, I have explained why I have been upset to my children - this isn't good, my mum did it with me, ity' not their job to regulate me, but in lieu of any other genuine reason tpo explain why I am crying I've been honest. I've stressed that it is okay - that it's about communication and we can always learn from these mistakes. But still I hate that I have gone down this route,
I'm sad - it's like watching someone slip through your fingers, you love them but cannot speak to them. I hope he still loves me, right now he's too angry to show it,
Anyway, I;ve been told almost daily I talk too much.;)