How to deal with telling DC me and DP splitting

[Newernewist]

Hi, I need help.
I split with DC father 5 years ago, it was an abusive relationship, I still suffer now with fear of him, I'm waiting for CBT, they think I've got PTSD.
I was accused, monitored, gaslighted etc.
Went on for years.
I met my current partner 4 years ago

I'm being accused of cheating and closing a tab down on a website last night, I didnt.
I didnt do what he is saying ive done
So hes moving out.
Strangely I feel ok at the moment.
How do I tell my DC, their dad is a prick, DP is fantastic with them, they have more respect for him than they do their dad.
Ive accepted that I need out.
But how do I do this to them again.
My DD is 12, DS 16, how do I do this again to them.
Please help

Anyone, I need a bit of a hand hold.
I'm convinced I've ruined my kids life again

hand hold here lovely. Please don't punish yourself for other peoples choices. If you haven't done anything wrong, then hold your head high - you are not going to ruin your kids lives. You and your kids are going to be ok. I'm guessing your relationship hasn't been good for a while. So they may know already and sitting them down and telling them won't be as bad as you imagine. All you can do is sit them down and in an age-appropriate way tell them that the relationship is ending and it wasn't anything that they did that caused it.

Try and have a bit of a gap this time before you put these children through it again. A year isn't very long of a gap at all to find another boyfriend to be in your children's lives after you left a previous abusive relationship.

Give yourself a long break from these arseholes. This current boyfriend may even come back that's even if he goes in the first place.

Thank you,
No I really haven't done what hes accusing me of.
I was flicking on my phone I have about 50 tabs open, I don't know what it possibly is that he thinks he saw.
I wasnt messaging anyone, would never do that to him
Hes convinced.
Ive been accused of stuff by him before
He has said from the beginning he has trust issues.
Ive done nothing wrong, I can't handle being accused of something I've not done.
Ive not felt loved or attractive for ages, he gets very angry when we disagree.
Name calling and stonewalling.
I doubt myself so much, my ex told me I was making it all up, it was just arguing.
He kind of does the same, its not normal is it to be called mental, psychol etc.
I know it's not but I doubt myself
Surely it's me... 2 relationships like this it must be me

Intrreducing current partner to kids was kind of taken out my hands.
My ex stalked me after we split up, he found out, reported me to social services (for dating him casually) and told me he would tell my parents and children I was seeing him
It wasnt an empty threat, so I told them before he did, it was much sooner than I would have done so

I need to access the freedom programme, I'm not getting anywhere, the numbers on the website are either not working or no.one is answering.
I cant believe I'm in this shit again

This is not your fault.

Your current 'D'P is also being abusive.

It's NOT ok for the name calling etc

I'm positive your DC will be happier living in a calm and loving house.

Thank you.
It means so much for people to believe me.
How can you defend yourself when your being called a liar when you haven't lied

Hes come home and ignored me, my anxiety is through the roof, it's actually making me ill

Well after 2 days of being ignored I asked him what was going on as I was told he was leaving.
He screamed and shouted, told me ive been manipulative, and said hes going tomorrow.
My kids have overheard.
I've told my DD I love her and everything is going to be ok
But she's heart broken.
I'm strangely calm.
I don't know what to do.
Please anyone online give me some advice

Anyone ?

Everything will be ok.

Just take each day as it comes.

What do I say to them, how can I explain.
I cant say he was abusive.
Shes heartbroken

I'm going through the exact same thing ..
it's horrible. Husbands changes completely on a daily basis
Following with interest x

Just say it didn't work out and try not to make a big deal of it to them.
I'm
Sorry your in this situation but you have to get him out your life as a priority and you know that.
Once you've done that you can focus on just you and recovering from the abusive relationships.
Don't be hard on your on yourself but remember you will likely pick another abuser if you don't get to the root of your issues and learn to love yourself and boundaries etc.

Your kids will be so much happier without a man who is a nasty piece of work around

You closed a tab on your mobile.
So he's walking out.

But you're the "unstable" one?

How would he cope in a real crisis?

As for your children.
Without all the bells and whistles, just tell them the truth "I closed an internet tab on my mobile, DP thinks this means I am hiding adulterous items from him which isn't true but he has decided to leave because he doesn't believe me. Not much I can do, or want to do about that."

@Newernewist

Hes come home and ignored me, my anxiety is through the roof, it's actually making me ill

Have a break from men. Let him go. Encourage him to do so.

Find your own calm and strength.

Honestly he is making you ill, don't let him anymore.

So you closed a tab on your mobile, from that one action you have been accused of cheating, shouted and screamed at, and ignored.

Let him go.
Change the locks.

Arrange for his stuff to be collected.

Do not take him back.

I've been in touch with womens aid, I've signed up to the freedom programme, I'm in touch with a service which deals with prevention of getting into bad relationships again and offering emotional support.
I'm done with this relationship.
I'm just so worried about dealing with kids, how to tell them
I've got to ring my landlord and hope he will let me stay, I'm in receipt of benefits.
I was on the old legacy benefits, but I think it might be UC now when I go back on to single person benefits

Youre a human you make mistakes, your kids need to know that sometimes that happens, it's ok but as a result of that you have to now show that when you make mistakes it's how you face up to them and put things right that matters.
Firstly you deal with getting him out and the housing situation immediately. You don't wait around for him to leave, you ask him to leave and make sure your home is secured. Tbh it would probably be safer to take advice on how to do this from woman's aid as you may be in a vulnerable and even dangerous situation. You have to accept that you've walked away from an abusive marriage straight into an abusive relationship and deal with that appropriately and safely.
It's imperative that you stay single, do not allow yourself to ever find yourself in a dependant situation again. It's good that you've approached the correct organisations to help you with that. Avoid men until you've learned about boundaries, the many different forms of abuse and you've built your life how you want it. Settled, financially independent. Abusive relationships completely distort your perception of right and wrong, good and bad, appropriate behaviour and acceptable boundaries. They leave you questioning everything. That's why it's so easy to jump from the frying pan straight into the fire. Just because he isn't as bad as your ex, doesn't mean he treats you right.
Right, get the help you need, it may be worth seeking some therapy for your children too at some point. Build yourself up, your family unit, make yourself self sufficient in all areas of your life and only then consider dating. You need to learn the tools you need to keep yourself and your children safe, it takes work but you can do it.

The children will have a range of emotions, most likely they will feel worried, anxious for you and what the future holds. If you can reassure them that whilst you are sad the relationship has ended, it's the right decision and all of you will be fine. Let them talk about their sadness but keep letting them know they will be OK.

A year after an abusive relationship isn't enough time so take some years out. Establish yourself into a routine on all levels, financially and emotionally. Being single is actually very empowering. Show your daughter and son what a strong single woman can achieve.

Thank you
Techway, your right.
My DD is so upset, I know that it's for the best but I feel like ive caused her hurt.
I'm engaging with the freedom programme, I'm going to have support from another regional agency.
I'm going to embrace being single.
Ive called DWP, I'm confused they cant give me an exact figure.
I'm devastated for my kids, I'm strangely ok.

@sickofit39 how you doing?