Need to leave but I don't know how

[BadassCatLady]

Forgive me for how pathetic this sounds. We've been married for over a decade, have one child. Our marriage has been in decline ever since child was born (now 7). My husband is like a stranger to me. I didn't realise how emotionally closed he was. Being married to him is the loneliest experience of my life.

I don't know how to leave. I know how stupid that sounds. I feel paralysed. I have a job but I'll have to move away from where I live because I can't afford it. Everyone will be devastated if we divorce but I'm so unhappy. He must be too, it's impossible to tell. It's starting to impact on our child because our house is not happy. We have rows several times a week and bicker every day.

He is not a bad man, he's decent in lots of ways. But being with him is like being buried alive and waiting to run out of air. Sometimes it just feels easier to grow old and die but it's my one and only life and I can see how anxious and unhappy our child is becoming. I need to find the courage to leave, I've told him I'm thinking about it but nothing changes. He makes a half-hearted effort to be affectionate for a day or two and then goes back to normal. I have to ask him for a hug sometimes or he would never touch me at all.

I loved him a lot and we got married in great hope and happiness but life has just ground us down and driven us apart. Now I'm in my mid forties and it feels like if I don't go soon I'll never find the courage to. I'm angry that I've wasted so many years without any real affection. It feels like I'll never have love again.

We've had lots of difficult times in the last few years and Covid will probably finish us off. We were supposed to get counselling but he can't and won't. Covid hasn't helped. Sometimes we look at each other with real dislike.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I just know that it's so lonely being with him I can't do it anymore but I don't know how to leave. I don't know where to start.

I think the hardest part of leaving is the thought of where to start. Everything seems insurmountable, unclear and very scary.
For all the above reasons I stayed with my ex for 23 years . My number biggest regret is wasting all those years on someone who wasn't capable of contributing emotionally, financially or in any other way to a relationship. DD said she wished we had divorced way before we did as it was awful for her growing up.

I think you need to think about any assets that can be split and what position you would be in financially taking that into account . Would settlement, maintenance and your salary mean you could afford to buy a house/flat or would you be looking at renting?

Do you have family nearby who could help you practically/emotionally ? Would you stay in same area etc. Is your partner capable/willing to discuss all this or would everything have to be discussed via a solicitor?
I had no confidence that I'd be able to sort things out or know how to make important decisions by myself as so long feeling miserable, lonely, exhausted had wrecked my self esteem and my mental health. I feel less lonely now I'm actually alone then I did in my marriage. It's daunting to think about leaving but once you get the ball rolling youve got past the hardest thing I reckon.

Thank you for replying. I think financially he will set out to give me as little as possible just to make a point. We have quite a few assets.

Sometimes I think, what is the point of me leaving? I feel old and ugly, like no one will ever want me again so I'll end up being alone anyway.

But then sometimes I see glimpses of who I could be and how it would be to be living away from him. Sometimes I get excited about the future about changing jobs etc and he immediately starts telling me to be cautious. It's like he delights in taking away my confidence and leaving me being cautious again. Maybe he's scared he'll end up supporting me.

I keep thinking how many years of my life he's had and how little I have to show for it. He has no interest in me. I loved him but recently it feels all gone.

To give the other side I have retreated from him emotionally too. He is a good provider and he can be kind. But I keep asking him for time, attention, affection and he just can't do it. He's a workaholic. I shouldn't have to beg for affection from my own husband. Like I have stood crying and literally had to ask him to hug me. How fucked up is that? It's making me want to cry. It's so dysfunctional but it's gone on so long now it seems normal. I need to find the courage to leave.

This post resonates with me in many ways. I know how you feel (well I'm pretty sure). I've got more dcs and no job (sahm). Recently, I had a health scare and I had to ask my husband to hold my hand (he will claim that I have withdrawn from him - which I have because I discovered he had been secretly watching porn (not hardcore stuff) but it really rocked my respect and trust in him.

I also get the feeling extremely lonely and I fear being alone but sometimes wonder if I'd actually feel better.

Like you my husband is good in some ways and it makes it less clear cut for me. I have no family now and no decent support system so I'm just about down on all counts apart from finances might just about be okay - yet to work out - would be tight but doable. I've worked out for me, that it is going to take several more years, given current ages of dc. finding part-time work etc. But I am slowly making plans. It feels all wrong. For me, I'm not really interested in entering another relationship...I want to develop more friendships/have more friends and look at my hobbies etc. I am also mid forties and it's scary staring into what might be an unknown future.

I worry about the impact our relationship might have on my dcs - that they will think this is normal. I try to give them plenty of attention. I try to avoid my husband as much as possible (we have a largish house) in an attempt to avoid bickering/shouting. The other evening, he called me a stupid woman in front of my dcs for something I'd done. He has also tried to apply emotional blackmail on 3 or 4 occasions which hasn't helped my view of him.

Also, I haven't told anyone in real life. I am waiting for some therapy/counselling when covid eases. I just can't bring myself to tell the couple of friends I have - it feels like once it's been said, there is no going back. Counselling is my starting point. It will take time in my case. Sorry, no advice as such just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

@User437547 what is your relationship teaching your children? You can't hide this from them, in fact its clear that your OH talks to you disgustingly in front of them. Look and see what benefits you may get, it may suprise you. Please don't use your children as an excuse to stay, they won't thank you for it when they are older.

@BadassCatLady You are doing the right thing, being stuck in a marriage that is clearly dead isn't worth it, for you, your children or your OH. Get your ducks in a row and move your future to a brighter one, you'll look back and wish you had done it earlier.

It's not always that simple though is it Appledrop. If it were, there wouldn't be all these very many threads which appear regularly on a similar subject.

It's all very well saying just leave but you have to look at the whole picture, you can't always just leap. Sometimes you have to be semi-rational about things and keep a bit of a level head. Maybe if I had one of the contributing factors in place like a fabulous support system it might be more tempting but I don't. So telling someone just to leave isn't that simple. I could actually end up seeing a lot less of my children (and 2 of them are still young and not of an age to decide for themselves). They each have their own room (which they probably wouldn't do). And, I can actually get out a bit (eventually) because there is somebody here to care for them - there's no-one else, there's no grandparents, aunts uncles or anyone else for that matter. They don't see a good relationship and that makes me sad but they have two parents who care for them and they are not party to a constant slanging match (and of course one child has challenging behaviour...no picnic). Yep, the whole picture.

*Sometimes I think, what is the point of me leaving? I feel old and ugly, like no one will ever want me again so I'll end up being alone anyway.

But then sometimes I see glimpses of who I could be and how it would be to be living away from him. Sometimes I get excited about the future about changing jobs etc and he immediately starts telling me to be cautious. It's like he delights in taking away my confidence and leaving me being cautious again. Maybe he's scared he'll end up supporting me*

My ex made sure I was dependent on him by managing finances, major decisions, treating me as a child and over the years I came to believe I wasn’t able to do normal things such as arrange insurance, make financial decisions, pay bills etc. Turns out I’m bloody good at it. I love to be able to make my own decisions, do what i want when I want without his patronising, irritating, controlling crap. My depression lifted once I’d gone and my blood pressure was lower. Leaving is not about who might want you in future. It’s about you not settling for something so wrong for you. There’s little lonelier than an unhappy relationship .

If he is likely to want to make sure you get as little as possible then you will need to talk to an experienced divorce solicitor so that you get what is rightfully yours. As I said my biggest regret in life is wasting 23 years on someone who could never invest in a relationship and letting it ruin my life and DDs. It’s easy to let fear of taking the first steps convince us things aren’t too bad and that leaving is not actually really necessary.

@User437547 None of your excuses are valid enough reason to stay.... your children having their own rooms, not seeing enough of them etc etc. I also wasn't suggesting you to leave right now either but was going by you saying you won't leave for several more years meaning your children will be party to all this shite between you and your OH for more years to come. If your child was in the same situation as you I guess you would be okay with them continuing to live this life? Lots of women on here don't have anyone to fall back on but still think of the children first and not themselves or their OH. Sorry don't mean to be harsh but its the children who will suffer.

Appledrop...hopefully my dc would have me and/or their siblings if such a situation arose. I need to talk it all through with someone - a counsellor/therapist. I get what you're saying but no-one wants to be the one who rips things apart...mum left because she was unhappy...there could be repercussions this way too. You have to be sure before you make such a monumental decision.

My husband does manage the finance (we have joint accounts etc. so no control as such, I spend within self-imposed limits what I want each month) but I suppose I have left him to pay the bills/insurance etc. He does make most of the financial decisions but I do have a say, I don't particularly feel controlled by money in this way, though being a sahm I have no income of my own.

teuer thanks for sharing your story. Why did it take you so long in your case, was it that feeling of being incapable?

user. Yes, feeling incapable of knowing how to live on my own without someone to make the important decisions or how I would support myself. I was so naive and ignorant looking back. I had no idea that I would be entitled to half of any assets or that my ex would have to pay child maintenance. I was kept in a childlike state looking back with someone to make every decision, take charge of every situation and not run anything past me.

It’s easy to let fear of taking the first steps convince us things aren’t too bad and that leaving is not actually really necessary.

I'm probably at this point. But I don't think you are op. You have a job that's a good start. Do you have family nearby?

Would you mind sharing a few more of your circumstances teuer i.e. were you working/did you have family etc. nearby? You say it affected you and I can understand why but I'm unclear how it affected your dd...was there a lot of bickering/bad atmosphere etc?

You only have one life and it shouldn’t be like this. Start by working out what assets you jointly have and get proof.

So get his bank statements,p60, savings accounts, the name of his employer etc, whatever you can secretly lay your hands on and photograph so these things can be checked.

Work out where you would go. Speak to a solicitor to see what options you have. Make plans. Consider a job that pays enough so you can survive on that plus whatever maintenance money you’d be entitled to plus working tax credit or whatever.

You can do this. DC will be fine.

user. I was a SAHM. I didn't work as I have an inherited condition that among lots of hard to manage symptoms as well as exhaustion. So I was at a disadvantage financially when I came to leaving as I didn't have my own money. DD was just about to start uni when things finally came to a head and left. My DM had recently died and DD was beside herself and got in with a druggy crowd at uni and list herself in drugs and drink bless her. While me and ex never argued it was obviously clear to DD that I loathed her dad and wanted to leave. She said years later she wished I had left much earlier because it was awful knowing how miserable and stuck and depressed I was.

I was brought up in a culture that doesn't always value women or their education and it was made clear by my DF that my purpose was to marry well and have kids and not work. I knew my DF would go mad if I said I was leaving my marriage. As it happened when I told him how awful my ex was he was really supportive and I lived with him until I got a council flat. I so wish I'd not wasted so much of my life in an emotional wilderness with a man who had no idea of what a good or respectful relationship was. I can also see a fair bit of my ex in my SIL and am not convinced their marriage will last the course. I feel so guilty that DD had not role model as to what a good marriage or a good DH is like.

Stop sleepwalking through your life and see a solicitor as soon as possible. You can't start the process unless you know what the process is. Seeing a solicitor will give you the knowledge to know how to get out. You really want to be 55 and still in this insufferable marriage?

Everything feels harder with covid. Counselling, childcare, seeing a solicitor. It also feels sneaky even though I've told him several times that I want to leave. I don't think he believes me sometimes. He is very financially astute and I have no doubt he will screw me over if he wants to.

We could be a great team but we have never figured out how to be one. I have very little family support and none local. I would actually be better moving away from where I live back to where I have a house from before we married but it would mean wrenching DC away from school and friends. Starting again as a single parent in an area I no longer like.

The guilt would be enormous.

It comes in waves. It's like I can numb it out for a while and then every so often it comes to a head and the true misery of it all hits me. When I realise I'm living a half life.

The guilt would be enormous

I would think you'd feel more guilt of you stay. Your daughter is already being poisoned with this dysfunction. Imagine what she's learning about relationships by watching the two of you. She will be doomed to repeat these mistakes if you don't get her away from this.

Aquamarine. I agree. My DD has no clue now what a healthy relationship looks like and is with someone who displays some similarities to her father. The guilt I have around that is horrible. Like I’ve condemned her to a different (but also very wrong) version of my marriage.

COVID absolutely does make everything harder both practically and emotionally Badass but this won’t last forever and you could start making plans towards leaving. How much do you not like the area where you have a house? Because that sounds a real bolthole for you and your DD? What are the schools like and what are the chances of her getting a place in one you are happy with? At 7 she will adapt and make new friends far easier than an older child.

Feeling as if you are buried alive, feeling lonely, seeing your DD become anxious - these things aren’t ok and you both deserve so much more. Thinking about going is so frightening though and seems huge and impossible so I would say it’s possible this will be the hardest time of all. I left in my mid 40s and the years since have been the happiest of my life in many ways. The two things that I do regret are not doing it sooner and seeing my DD repeat a similar pattern to me and my late DM.

You have to think about the sort of relationship model you're giving your dd and the atmosphere she's growing up in, with constantly sniping, bickering parents and the dislike that's growing between you.

You really don't want to be that elderly couple who clearly despise each other but never split out of fear.

It's also bad for your mental health and self esteem to live like this. Which in turn is no good for your dd. Doesn't she deserve to have you at your best, rather than unhappy, undermined and uncertain?

Get all the financial info you can and aim for a fair settlement.

I don't know how to get financial info. Everything is in his name. He shreds and burns bank statements etc. He has money squirrelled away everywhere. Properties with loans on. I hate financial stuff and that's on me, I've allowed him to hide all of this stuff because I find it stressful. I've thought for a while that I have ADHD it would explain a lot about how I've behaved since childhood. Paperwork terrifies me and overwhelms me.

I think I just need space away to think and it's so hard to get it with covid. I hate my job but I can't give it up to do what I want to do because I know I will need it to get out.

If there are lots of assets and complex financial affairs, it might be worth getting a forensic accountant to help during the divorce.

If you have opportunity to take copies of statements or information about properties, it would be helpful - you wouldn't have to engage with it yourself too much, you can have someone else to look at it for you. It's not the end of the world if you can't tho.

Remember OP you dont need to discuss leaving with your DH at first. You do not need his permission. Quietly start gathering financial information and see a solicitor, for your peace of mind. You don't have to tell him anything about this. Also is it worth seeing your GP re your anxiety?

I understand the upheaval bit. I kind of imagine that I would like a change of area but I wouldn't know anybody there. Younger dc attends an outstanding primary and eldest ds attends a grammar school and it is difficult to know how much the primary helped with entering grammar school but it is a lot to jeopardise by switching schools. It has been said these are all excuses but a move for me would not come without the dcs potentially losing out this being an example. The dcs have an idyllic lifestyle, free of money worries and for me, it's almost the more you have...the more you have to lose. It's taken a number of years to reach this comfortable position, deep in the perimenopause prospects of a massive (or even a minor change) seem overwhelming and quite frankly, I lack a lot of energy to re-shape my life. I was looking out the window drinking my coffee this morning thinking - I would just be doing the same thing but in a different house because outside of the dc I have little involvement with anything else currently. I think this is the starting point for me - join a few things, have a different outlook and try to use this as a base for improving my self esteem but with the fall back of having a ready established roof over my head. Perhaps this is cowardice but I'm not that 20 something taking the first leap without responsibility to others (namely my dc) into their first home. My husband blames the perimenopause for my feelings. My eldest dc has noticed that things aren't right...I've blamed 'the change in life' for this and said that I'm seeking some counselling when covid lifts. I don't want to tell him that your father is sleazy, prone to trying emotional blackmail (which doesn't work because I'm better than that) etc. The hardest thing for me is living a lie...but I've got work to do to manoeuvre myself into a different position.

Agreed op. Space away would be invaluable, there isn't any at the moment is there. Like you I am easily overwhelmed, I suspect something else might be at play...having had an abusive upbringing has left me anxious, lacking confidence, prone to panic attacks and quite frankly, in a mess. The jobs I have done in the past...I was either bored by them, or quite stressed because of the targets I was expected to hit (I feel too old for all that crap now). I am well educated but never used it partially because I never knew what I wanted to do and never had the confidence...brought up in a culture where the man has the final say and women earn pin money.

This is not to put you off op. I take my hat off to people who have taken this step. I guess I'm saying I understand where you are coming from.