I need some kind words. It's over

[Cocoxxxx]

I've been silly. I got in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic who's also depressed. He's not touched any alcohol but I only found out after we were involved his problems. He's only seven months sober and I have since learned dating in the first year is bad.

Because he was so nice I didn't see any struggle. He boasted about how well he now was. He seemed strong. He is back at work. Thoughtful and always lovely in his words and actions.

Then his depression flared up. For weeks now it's been up and down. I've never felt so stressed but I've tried my best. Realising today how hard it's become and I'm getting no happiness anymore I called.

I asked him to tell me if he really believes he can handle a relationship. He absolutely lost it. Told me he was sick of me creating scenarios and he was done. He continued in messages to say he had lost respect for me. I was a liar etc. Really nasty nonsense.

I've spent hours listening to his problems. Checking in on him. Trying to keep him positive. He's drained me. Yet he's annoyed that it's affected my confidence in us.

He threatened to block me. He has twisted it all on me and made me out to be a nightmare.

I know I'm lucky it's happened early on. I'm relieved I'm now free. I'm looking forward to waking up and no longer having to worry about him and when he will wake up and how he will feel.

But I am worried I've damaged his recovery. I'm carrying a heavy guilt yet I know I've done nothing wrong. I can't believe how he's turned on me.

Just want some kind words. Thank you.

You haven't damaged his recovery. It's not your job to fix him. He's shown you who he is, believe him.

You haven’t damaged his recovery. He’s shown his true colours. Move on with no regrets.

I suffer from depression and I must be a bloody nightmare to cope with when I'm down. My DH is very understanding, but I wouldn't expect him to put up with / cope with it if I took it out ON him. Whilst I appreciate his support and help, ultimately my depression is my issue.

Do not feel guilty. You can't help who you fall into or out of love with.

Now get on any enjoy your freedom without looking back!

I second OrigamiOwl. There is a difference between who he is and who you want him to be. We cannot fix someone’s addictions. They can only do that themselves. We can only show support, and you sound like you did your best. But you must put your own boundaries in place and look after yourself now. You haven’t damaged his recovery at all. That choice and decision is, and will always be, up to him. Look after yourself Coco, and take care.

He has manipulated you into believing you're responsible for him.

You aren't.

Even though he was a massive bell end its still difficult when things end like this, so take a bit of time to heal for now. Don't mistake being sad that it didn't work out, for missing him though been there, done that

I'm the daughter, sister and niece of recovered alcoholics. Addics are very self centered, everything is about them. This man is battling to recover from a very serious addiction and simply removing the alcohol doesn't necessarily change his behaviour.

For a very long time I referred to my Mum as the 'sober alcoholic'. She stopped drinking but everything was still about her for a very long time. She had to work very hard to change her mindset.

Without sounding unkind, I don't think it's a great idea to get into a relationship with a newly sober and recovering alcoholic. Not good for either of you. If you'd had a long history with this man it might be worth your time, energy and love but I think you should look after yourself instead.

Down the line, when he's 5 years sober, he might be capable of caring for someone else but he also needs to put himself and his sobriety first.

Good luck and take care of yourself. All will be well.

Thank you. I have been such a fool. So many obvious signs were there. He has hardly any family around him. He spent Christmas alone. He's harsh about others. He's stubborn. He never eats properly or goes food shopping.

I became his mother I think. Worrying about him and soothing him. But as soon as I needed reassurance he picked at me. Called me an over thinker.

I don't think he will be in touch anymore. I think I'll join the list of women he slags off to the next women.

I feel sick and sad. But I can not wait to get used to him not being on my mind and being a part of my day. I've lost count of how many weekends I've cried or been an anxious mess because he's slept the day away and I wonder if he's alive.

I certainly won't be getting back involved. I don't think he will be back anyhow.

Thankyou.

You've had a lucky escape there.
Addicts are master manipulators at making someone else bear the blame for their own failings.
Get on with your life, you've nothing to regret or feel guilty about.

You're well out of this. Put him out of your mind.

Thank you. I'm just going over how horrible he was yesterday and how he kept threatening to block me stuff. So cruel after everything I've done.

I hope today is a little more peaceful for me. So over being unhappy and stressed. He's really affected me.

You will hear from him again so personally I would block him now

I'm sorry you're going through this.

As PP said, he WILL be in touch again, just enough, often enough to keep you unsettled IF you ket him. Don't. Block him on everything, you owe him nothing we always think we know better & he is different, but you don't & he's not!!

Obviously it'll be hard at first not wondering, not worrying, but you'll get there, truly! The trick is not to allow him a way to undermine that all over again.

Go block him!!

Thank you. I honestly can't imagine he will be in touch. Only because I think he treats everyone the same once he can't be bothered. He has no relationship with his dad, brother or one of his adult daughters.

I will not be letting him back into my life that's for sure. He really couldn't say anything to make any of it right. Plus the future with him would be utter crap. He's got so much work to do on himself.

Thank you. I must be strong.

My DH is a recovering alcoholic. We are happily married. My advice to you is based on that.

You are not responsible for his sobriety.

You have done what is right for you.

You should not feel guilty about doing what is right for you.

You should not feel guilty about anything he does or doesn’t do.

He has shown you what he is really like. Believe him. Don’t try to change him. It sounds like splitting up was exactly the right thing to do. Onwards and upwards!

@Cocoxxxx

He has done you a massive favour revealing his true colours so early on !
You are so much better with out in your life at all.
Don't look back op.

You deserve are worth a lot better than this,than him.

He is trying emotionally manipulative into feeling guilty so carry putting up with his highes and lows of his Addication/emotionally baggagges /his Shit.

His emotionally shit baggagges is for him to deal with his responsible for himself only.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

Thank you for your message. How long was your husband an alcoholic and how has he been sober? I'm just interested in how he was in the first year.

It was early days for us and it was clear he didn't function normally. I was just enjoying the new conversations etc. Because of that I allowed myself to be emotionally thrown around. He seems unable to see why his behaviour made me need reassurance. It's like he expected me to not notice or be concerned. I don't know how he planned to build a life with me with such a self centered attitude.

@Cocoxxxx

He will try to worm himself back into your life,as addicts like another poster said are master manipulators !

You don't owe him /,his kind of type anything !

Get rid ,bin him for ever !

Improve your self Cofindence too,

@thosetalesofunexpected

Thank you. It's so strange this morning waking up with no message. Knowing that I won't be calling him today.

I'm just still sad for the loss of what felt the happy part. But feeling relief because i didn't like who I was becoming.

I've joined an alcoholic recovery group online to talk to other families. I've learned alot already and he's not doing anywhere near enough in regards to recovery. He isn't attending meetings. He's not having therapy. He's not eating properly. He's loosing days to sleep. He's spent all of Christmas alone and refused to be any part of it.

I have been needing reassurance the last few weeks. But how can he not see why.

@thosetalesofunexpected

I can't imagine him doing so because he's an absolute stubborn icebox. I'm not the first person he's fallen out with recently. But I appreciate it is a common trait.

He could never get me back now and I think he will have forgotten me already and I'll just be another person he will blame. Sadly he can't see how lucky he is that people want to be in his life. I am the first person he's been involved with since recovery. I feel sorry for the next.

@Cocoxxxx

Thank you. I'm just going over how horrible he was yesterday and how he kept threatening to block me stuff. So cruel after everything I've done.

I hope today is a little more peaceful for me. So over being unhappy and stressed. He's really affected me.

OP, look, in the nicest possible way, while yes, you’ve been on the receiving end of some classic recovering addict manipulation, you’ve also fallen into the classic ‘rescuer’ role, where you think being his addiction counsellor/ nurse/cheerleader/ support worker should ‘buy’ you love and consideration in return for your efforts.

It doesn’t. It just makes you the invisible service worker/support staff of the relationship. For him, the second you stop making it all about him and develop the remotest need or concern of your own, it’s like his counsellor interrupted his therapy session to say she’s worried about her sick cat.

Why do you need to be in the alcoholic recovery group still?
Are you looking after an alcoholic?
This group will keep your mind on him.
You can drop the rope now.

He says he always drank too much from 18 onwards. It became an issue in his thirties and he joined AA at 50.

He has been sober for 4.5 years. No relapses. I would be very surprised if he ever fell of the wagon now. The key here is that his thinking has changed quite a bit.

In the first year, it was very much at the forefront of his mind and his life. It took up a lot of time and mental energy. Now, I think it is just unconscious. He attends meetings, has a sponsor, is a sponsor so in that sense it is time consuming but in much the same way as going to the gym or church - part of life that you just accept. AA has really worked for him.

As to how it affected me and my life with him? Well, I do prefer that he is not drinking. But he was never a mean drunk. I’ve never attended AlAnon meetings (never felt the need) but I did read the big book to be supportive and was stunned by the chapter in relationships and family. I just kept saying ‘yes’ and nodding my head. That helped me in realising that there are common experiences for the alcoholic and their families and made things easier and more understandable.

I have to say DH never acted as you have described your ex acting. Your ex sounds like someone I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with regardless of whether alcoholism or depression was a factor.

As much as we may want to believe all people are basically good and nice, sometimes there are some people who are just assholes no matter what.

I clicked YABU because you are unreasonable to be concerned that you have damaged his recovery. He is an addict. He has depression. You gained only stress from this relationship. He offered you nothing. It is all about him yabu to not just block and ignore him. You are worth so much more.

Just want to echo Bluetrews and Kilcaple -

You are not in a relationship with him anymore, you should leave the recovery group. If you don’t you are highly likely to be sucked into this again. If you are interested in learning about this, I suggest you read the big book (or just the relationships chapter) yourself. You can find it for free online.

Please read what Bluetrews wrote again.

@DifficultBloodyWoman

That's fantastic and so pleased he hasn't been a massive struggle on your part. That's the big difference that he's got the help and continued to be positive. I had no insight into any of it when we met. I just thought wow he's done well. It's only this last month I've realised he isn't taking the recommended steps and shouldn't be dating either. So he's made himself more miserable I guess.

@Bluetrews25
I just joined a family and friends one so I can continue to walk away by reading and learning how it continues to destroy in these cases. I've already learned so much. It's been useful as the members have experienced a much longer journey and given me brilliant advice on why he behaves how he does and why I need to walk away now. It's definitely helped me learn what's happened the last few months. .
@Kilcaple

You are absolutely right. I ended up being his carer. Checking on him. Listening. Apologising. Caring. Sitting up worrying. Sending him loving messages. In return I just sometimes wanted him to reassure me he felt he really wanted a future with me and my kids. Which he hasn't met yet. Obviously the signs are all there anyway.