I need some kind words. It's over

[Cocoxxxx]

I've been silly. I got in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic who's also depressed. He's not touched any alcohol but I only found out after we were involved his problems. He's only seven months sober and I have since learned dating in the first year is bad.

Because he was so nice I didn't see any struggle. He boasted about how well he now was. He seemed strong. He is back at work. Thoughtful and always lovely in his words and actions.

Then his depression flared up. For weeks now it's been up and down. I've never felt so stressed but I've tried my best. Realising today how hard it's become and I'm getting no happiness anymore I called.

I asked him to tell me if he really believes he can handle a relationship. He absolutely lost it. Told me he was sick of me creating scenarios and he was done. He continued in messages to say he had lost respect for me. I was a liar etc. Really nasty nonsense.

I've spent hours listening to his problems. Checking in on him. Trying to keep him positive. He's drained me. Yet he's annoyed that it's affected my confidence in us.

He threatened to block me. He has twisted it all on me and made me out to be a nightmare.

I know I'm lucky it's happened early on. I'm relieved I'm now free. I'm looking forward to waking up and no longer having to worry about him and when he will wake up and how he will feel.

But I am worried I've damaged his recovery. I'm carrying a heavy guilt yet I know I've done nothing wrong. I can't believe how he's turned on me.

Just want some kind words. Thank you.

You have not harmed his recovery in any way at all.

This is the real him that is breaking through and he certainly is not a nice person at all. Please be very wary and careful about any messages you receive from him as no doubt when he realises that you have had enough he will try to worm way back in by the classic acting all nice and full of false promises.

He is responsible for his own recovery - as harsh as that may sound - not you. He is the one who also isn't following certain advice that he has been given and told would help him. That is on him. Not you.

Lots of people do want to feel like they have managed to help someone they care about but the person actually has to want to help themselves. It sounds very much as though he likes the idea of someone trying to help him by doing certain things and knowing he has you in a certain position.

As with all addicts - and I really do not mean this to sound bad and/or nasty so apologies if comes over that way - he will know exactly what to say and the things to do/claim to try and get you back onside yet again. Which will all turn out to be lies.

As for the support group you are part of I would see about leaving that now as otherwise you will only end up dwelling on things and being unable to move on to think about other things.

Life is for living and it sounds like you have already spent more than enough time trying to help someone who just doesn't want to be helped and who, quite frankly, is a nasty person.

There should always be the lovely, fun part of a relationship not all of this. You do not need to save him or try to. It is up to him. Please focus on yourself as you honestly do not need this to drag you down and cause you anymore stress at all. You do not need to fix someone especially him.

Yes, OP, and the reason you feel sad and empty is because you’ve lost your ‘job’, which clearly took up huge amounts of your time and mental energy. Suddenly you’re unemployed and have a gaping hole in the middle of your thoughts and daily routine where all the checking in and worrying and reassuring and centring him used to go. Definitely leave the group, which is a proxy for him, and get some counselling for yourself, to talk through how you ended up in this ‘rescuer’ role, and to stop it becoming a pattern.

You deserve to be treated so much better than this. All you wanted was reassurance and he didn't even bother doing that. It says it all. Please try not to dwell on this.

If he's threatening to block you, then I would honestly do a bit of self preservation and block him first.

@Kilcaple
Thank you. Your words really resonated with me. I agree. That's exactly how I feel and how it is.

@RedSparkleShoes
You are so right. He could have done alot more for himself. Just small things like therapy. Regular shopping. Reading self help books and learning more. I understand he is learning still. But for 47 he is still like a teenager with his reactions yesterday. So nasty and childish.

I've not had any contact from him since yesterday afternoon. I just don't feel he's the sort because like I say he's stubborn.

I will leave the recovery page. It was just to get some experience from others in the same boat.

If anyone has anytime to talk to me today on here all your messages will help me. I really need some support to get through the next couple of days. Thank you again

Good for you, OP. Keep busy, get some counselling and as a corrective centre yourself and relationships that nurture you.

You'll get through this, Coco.
Be kind to yourself. You will find something to fill the void - self care would be a great place to start. Or volunteer at the dogs home. Or start planning what veggies / herbs / flowers you are going to grow in a few weeks. Whatever seems appropriate to you.

Thank you. I definitely need to keep my mind busy. I just feel like bursting into tears. I'm trying not to think about the good parts. Because I need to forget them and think of the real bits that's have affected me so much.

I can't believe how much damage he's done to me. I'm absolutely crushed right now.

Block him,I've blocked my ex partner of 12 years we have a child together,the last 3 years have been horrific,lies,deceipt staying out all night,he's now admitted hes an addict (cocaine) I have a thread on here which explains alot of it,I'm so hurt right now,today is a very dark day! I grieve the man he was,don't let him back in you will end up like me and I wouldn't wish that on anyone x

@Itstimetoquit

Hello and I'm so sorry to read that. Sounds like you have been through it. I feel sad today too. Sending you a hug. So many men like this. My last relationship was so different. It was calm and simple. No stress. So going from that to such an intense stressful situation like this has been hard.

Just wish I could turn my feelings off. I still care and love him in my own way. But i am so hurt by how he turned. I could never recover from what he's done. I just hope he isn't making me out to be a baddy.

Feel free to talk to me if you need to. X

Of course he’s viewing you as the baddy, @Cocoxxxx. One of the tiresome things about being around a recovering addict is their complete self-centredness. Other people are only blurry props in their peripheral vision. In his view you’ve gone from prop to critic. This doesn’t make your position any less valid — quite the reverse .

Don’t let yourself get sucked back in. While you should have known better than to get involved, a recovering addict was deeply irresponsible to start a relationship so soon. He will have been explicitly advised by Al Anon, any counsellor, any book or online addiction help NOT to date so early in recovery. You should be angry with him.

How are you ok x

A lot of what you have said is very familiar to me.

My partner is a recovering alcoholic. We met when he was 7 months sober and he is now just over 2 years sober. I read advice on here about getting involved with a recovering alcoholic, especially in the first year, but he was taking huge steps to address his addiction (regular AA meetings, a sponsor, helping others, etc) so I took the risk.

I'm glad I did as 18 months later we are still going strong. He also suffers with depression and is on medication but I think that's quite common for alcoholics as the drinking usually comes from somewhere deeper than just drinking too much for the fun of it.

I do sometimes think it would be easier to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have addiction/depression issues but he has many amazing qualities and I think at my age (40's) no man I would meet is going to be perfect. He treats me well and we enjoy being together and that's what matters to me.

Can I just say though, my partner wasn't advised not to date in the first year of recovery. It's not a rule.