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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Manipulative behaviour?

63 replies

Jinglejangle11 · 25/01/2021 22:26

I’ve had a row with my partner that had been ongoing for 2 days. It started off with something I can’t really give detail about but although he agreed it was right to have issue with it, the next day he still practically ignored me all day. He claims he was just “staying out my way”. Rather than being loving and trying to make things right between us. This has since escalated and a couple of more things have been mentioned such as I feel he is crossing the line on how much he messages a female friend. He’s now absolutely furious & wont speak to me at all. No reassurance or “don’t be silly”, just complete outright anger. We live together so tonight has been very uncomfortable. Is this normal behaviour? It’s like anytime I try to address something he doesn’t like or agree with he refuses to discuss it or I will get the silent treatment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinglejangle11 · 25/01/2021 22:53

Anyone?

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 25/01/2021 22:57

Is this typical for him, the silent treatment? Or is this his regular response when you disagree with him?

Ntwa · 25/01/2021 22:58

My ex dp did this to me. Its soul destroying.. He's currently 18 days into his leaving me to it stage.. Yeah like I said 'ex'

Original poster
Jinglejangle11 · 25/01/2021 22:59

@Giraffey1 if I bring something up he doesn’t agree with (which is 75% of the time) I will get this treatment. Tonight has been horrible. I’ve come to sleep in the spare room.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinglejangle11 · 25/01/2021 23:00

@Ntwa it frustrates & upsets me because it seems it’s always me who has to make amends to get us talking because he would carry it on & on.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 25/01/2021 23:03

so why do you want to live with this person.

Original poster
Jinglejangle11 · 25/01/2021 23:07

@alexdgr8 because when he snaps out of this mood things are good but each time it happens it chips away at me more and more

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 25/01/2021 23:42

He is wearing you down. He is horrible much of the time so you actually feel grateful to him when he is nice.
It’s no way to live, OP, waiting for scraps. Get rid.

Sametimenextyear2 · 25/01/2021 23:52

That's exactly what it's supposed to do...
Chip away at you until you no longer have the strength to bring up what is bothering you.
Your opinion is in opposition to his agenda & it must be shut down.
I have just exited a similar situation.
I felt like a dog being trained.
75% unpleasant 25% positive reinforcement....
He couldn't be an arse 100% of the time or you'd leave.
flowers]

Ruminating2020 · 26/01/2021 00:12

[quote Jinglejangle11]@alexdgr8 because when he snaps out of this mood things are good but each time it happens it chips away at me more and more[/quote]
A healthy partner should be building you up, not chipping you away.

What he is doing is passive aggressive behaviour and he is not having honest, open conversation with you.

sortmylifeoutplease · 26/01/2021 00:49

I had this with an ex. I ended up walking on eggshells, but the upshot was we couldn't address any issues. He was emotionally abusive in many ways but this was one of them. I guess if he had an issue with how you behaved in disagreements, could he raise it? Would you listen? Would you try to address it or say what you disagreed with? Can you say the same about him? I'd do those things because I would care about my partner and care about my relationship. If he's not abusive in other ways and just can't take criticism or perceived criticism, then you need a serious conversation with him about that and he needs to recognise and work on it. Otherwise, there is a risk that it will chip away and chip away and you will be less and less you as time goes on and the relationship won't be worth saving by then anyway.

Original poster
Jinglejangle11 · 26/01/2021 07:25

He’s walked out the house this morning without saying goodbye. I don’t know what my next move should be. I can’t take another night like last night.

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 26/01/2021 07:29

End the relationship. The ratio for successful healthy couples is 20 positive interactions for every one negative. He is a controlling man who makes you unhappy far too often, who is also flirting with someone else.

Majorlydissappointed · 26/01/2021 07:32

If I were you I wouldnt be there when he gets home, I wouldn't leave a note or message him either.

Original poster
Jinglejangle11 · 26/01/2021 07:47

When I mentioned the 75 / 25 % thing I meant whenever I mentioned an issue he didn’t agree with me 75% of the time and acted like this. Outside of issues being mentioned things are good. But this has been ongoing now for 3 days and I am just so hurt and frustrated by his behaviour. I have stood by him through so much where most people would have given up on him and he treats me like this for 3 days rather than discuss things?? It’s hard to just leave when you live together and still love the person. I’m not sure where I would go either.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/01/2021 07:56

Manipulative behaviour? Yes, but more than that, this is an emotionally abusive behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/01/2021 07:58

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. I repeat, none.

Do not take this person back, you will merely be in for more of the same if you did.

Abusers can be nice sometimes because if they were not no-one would want to be with them. What he has been showing you here really is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

This relationship is over because of the abuse he has and continues to mete out. Would you have tolerated this behaviour of his from a friend, no you would not.

Why would you have at all stood by him (a la Dolly Parton) when most other people would have walked away?. It does not make you a better person for doing that and he does not want your help and or support. That also shows me just how low your own boundaries are when it comes to relationships. You cannot rescue and or save someone; trying to be either in a relationship does not work. Have a read about codepedency in relationships and see how much of that relates to your own behaviours.

Raise your relationship bar a lot higher going forward and have a look too at the Freedom Programme online.

Gizmo2020 · 26/01/2021 08:00

It is manipulative. My ex did this. He’s conditioning you not to raise issues by punishing you like this. I had 7 weeks of the silent treatment by the time I left for good. I tried to leave 4 times before the time I found the courage to go. After a 3 year relationship I ended up with PTSD, panic attacks, nightmares etc. It will only get worse. I have a lot of therapy & support. The damage they do through this abuse is horrendous. Please reach out for support, find out about emotional abuse and you’ll see this is no way to live. It will only get worse. No amount of abuse in a relationship is acceptable.

Onthedunes · 26/01/2021 08:15

This will always be his go to method of shutting you down. Get ready for a lifetime of loneliness and abuse.
If you stay, you may as well tell youself that whatever behaviour you don't like in the future, will be ignored.

His bahaviour will become worse and yours needs will never be taken into account.
He is an abusive man.
Run, don't look back and don't let him reel you back in with his lies.
How long have you been together?

Sparkletastic · 26/01/2021 08:19

He will be trying to wear you down to a point that you will never disagree with him or pull him up on any bad behaviour. You deserve better.

Original poster
Jinglejangle11 · 26/01/2021 08:25

@Gizmo2020 how did your ex react when you finally left? Was he sorry or did he try to make you feel in the wrong still?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinglejangle11 · 26/01/2021 08:26

@Onthedunes together 3 years nearly

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 26/01/2021 08:28

This behaviour is designed to keep you in line. Do you want to spend the rest of life like this?

Ntwa · 26/01/2021 08:44

Just to reiterate.. Day 19 of the silent treatment.. This is because I stood my ground over something.
He IS capable of communicating when he wants.. But if its something they don't like/agree with bang.. Here it is. I look after toddlers for a living.. They are are a doddle compared to this shitty behaviour.
Don't get me wrong I still live him, miss him and if you've done what I've done in the past you'll know you can 'turn it around'.. But that's them controlling knowing you'll do it.. I've had enough if being a puppet.
I hope you get it sorted.

Bananalanacake · 26/01/2021 08:49

Do you have dc together. Is it your house or jointly rented. Would it be better to live separately so that when he starts doing this you say, I'll see you next week.

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