Manipulative behaviour?

[Jinglejangle11]

I’ve had a row with my partner that had been ongoing for 2 days. It started off with something I can’t really give detail about but although he agreed it was right to have issue with it, the next day he still practically ignored me all day. He claims he was just “staying out my way”. Rather than being loving and trying to make things right between us. This has since escalated and a couple of more things have been mentioned such as I feel he is crossing the line on how much he messages a female friend. He’s now absolutely furious & wont speak to me at all. No reassurance or “don’t be silly”, just complete outright anger. We live together so tonight has been very uncomfortable. Is this normal behaviour? It’s like anytime I try to address something he doesn’t like or agree with he refuses to discuss it or I will get the silent treatment.

I didn’t give him much notice on purpose, I found a gorgeous little house & booked removals & utilities without him knowing. Otherwise I’d have relented or he’d guilt me into not going. He was shocked at first, I think he thought he had complete control over me & I’d never go. He was quiet but pleasant, almost kind - I was more upset as I knew it had to be done & there was no going back, he had destroyed me mentally over the 3 years & I knew I had a lot of work to do to recover. He said we could talk more, get counselling, that the future was unwritten. So I left on almost amicable terms. Then, less than a week later, his abuse returned. He turned up at my house after being told not to, I had to threaten with the police. After that, I blocked him & had complete No Contact. He still had some of my possessions so my parents liaised with him for those. He then abused them when he couldn’t get his way so was blocked by them too. I’ve not heard anything since then, it’s been incredibly hard, I miss him - well the man I fell in love with, but that man doesn’t exist - it was a mask. I’ve had tremendous support from family, friends, Counsellor, Psychologist, GP, the police etc. I don’t think he’ll be back in touch now, which is a blessing in disguise. I’ve still got a long way to go but I’ll get there. I hope you find the strength to leave. Please read up on emotional abuse, it’s a real eye opener and please start to make a plan to leave, I think it takes an average of 5 times (might be wrong on that) to leave an abuser before finally going. One of 3 things will happen when he returns later (if you’ve not left); he’ll come back & continue the silent treatment punishment, he’ll apologise (unlikely) or, he’ll act as if nothing is wrong and is normal/happy & you’ll be so grateful that you don’t mention it again. This is a cycle of abuse of extreme lows & extreme highs. If you can recognise what it is, you’re on the right path. Please go carefully & look after yourself. They are evil, despicable people

Please don't allow him to do this to you. Each time you accept this type of treatment you are reinforcing his opinion that you are in the wrong and he is right. You will have less and less confidence to speak up in fear of his reaction. This is no way to live. You deserve better. There is better out there, trust me.

Of course the relationship isn't all bad all of the time OP. Abusive relationships never are, that's one of the biggest barriers to recognising it as abuse at first. Most people keep their partner sweet some of the time, like pennies in the jar, making huge withdrawals at other times.

Have you read about what the signs of abuse are on Women's Aid website? Your relationship is a bad one I'm sorry. His behaviour isn't healthy.

We have been in contact today and I have said this can’t continue. Like you say, the treatment I get does make me question at times whether it’s worth the fight to bring certain things up. I don’t want to sound like I’m defending him but these issues don’t come up everyday so the majority of the time things are fine and he is loving and would do anything for me. We live in his house together so its me who would be homeless and I have thought where would I go if I just left? I would have to do what @Gizmo2020 did and arrange it behind the scenes and not give much notice.

@Gizmo2020 I hope you feel like a weight has been lifted and that you have found happiness in your new home x

Do you have any family you could go to?

If you hadn't met him, where would you be living?

If you're not at point of ending things, you should anyway start yourself an emergency fund and exit plan. If he has an epiphany and miraculously changes into non-abusive person all the time then fine great it's savings. If he doesn't, you don't feel stuck.

Always live with someone out of choice, not need.

I couldn't live in a relationship like this, @Jinglejangle11. I'd be on tenterhooks for the majority of the time, modifying my words and actions just in case I did or said something which he'd use as a trigger to treat me badly. Home, OP, is supposed to be your sanctuary - does it feel like that to you?

I was in a relationship like this years ago and was never quite sure what mood he'd be in when I got home. In the end I made my plans very quietly, packed all my stuff and left when he was away from the house for a day and rented a room with a friend until I could make more permanent plans for a home of my own.

Frankly, being on your own and being able to relax and breathe properly is so much better than clinging on for the times when you are treated - as you should be - with kindness and love from your partner. Take care my dear. 🌹

@category12 I could stay with my mum but there’s no much room for me. I have money put to one side and I would have had my own house if hadn’t moved in with him. But that takes a while for that process so I would be stuck for a good few months really. The conversation this morning between us has gone downhill again. I’ve said to him I shouldn’t be frightened to bring things up to him but Ive ended the conversation as I’m getting nowhere.

I'd go home to mother, tbh.

Just think about this for a moment. You have said you'd have to arrange to move out and not give much notice. Again, that is not a sign of feeling safe. Unhappy (but not abusive) relationships end all the time and people do not fear leaving.

This relationship is really toxic. I really hope you ring women's aid or at least look on their website.

@Jobsharenightmare he would never physically harm me so I feel safe in that respect. I meant that if I said I was leaving he wouldn’t want me around when we weren’t together. So I would be stuck organising things with no home. But yes if I am planning an exit in the back of my mind then I don’t feel secure here.

Do not ever assume he would never physically harm you. If he ever was to decide that his current level of power and control over you was not working he could well decide to thump you. What he is doing now too is just as damaging as physical abuse.

I would urge you to go home to your mother's and start rebuilding your life from there. There is no point whatsoever in staying with such an individual (who likely targeted you deliberately as well).

He wants you to be frightened of bringing it up again, that's the abuse. So you stop ever questioning him on the stuff that you know damn well is wrong. It won't ever go away, he will find a way of turning it around on you and then holding that grudge - then using that grudge against you - forever. (My ex was messaging an ex, he told her important information before me, used to run out the room & hide in the loo to message her in secret, when I confronted him, the rage was like nothing else - as if I was the one doing something wrong in secret! but this is one of many, many things that he did with me) You have insulted his ego by questioning him, and you will be punished for it until you let it go. The good times in the relationship are false good times, because the lows are so horrendous. In the beginning, I sold my house and moved into his house, with my children. I felt trapped, but the reality was, I made a decision I wanted to leave, I found a property, arranged the removals, utilities, logistics and then moved. All under a month, I just didn't tell him. Look up the grey rock method, or do whatever it takes to protect yourself. Move in with your mum - it's only temporary until you find somewhere. I did what you are saying in the times I wanted to go before, I always found a excuse or a reason not to, always hoping it would get better, but it never did, it got worse and worse. I didn't listen to those around me that could see what was happening, but, in the end, it has to be your decision and your choice as it was mine. We can all tell you a million times over that this is abusive and you need to leave, but at the end of the day, it's you that has to do it, and it's not easy - I know how hard this is for you but you can do it, I know you can. If you do go, expect him to hoover you. He'll beg and plead and be the nicest man you thought you knew. Then, once you're back with him, under his spell, then you'll be punished twice as hard - for daring to leave him. The relief of leaving him was immense for me, I felt like I had escaped but I also missed him like crazy, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, if I did, I had back to back nightmares, I had panic attacks, it was horrendous but I had to look at it as a withdrawal from an addition. I'd been told that is what is was so it was a waiting game, one day at a time. My head and my heart didn't reconcile for a long time, some days I still question it and miss him but those days get less and less. You can do this, you deserve so much more x

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see your own mother treated like you are now?.

Abusers can be nice sometimes but what you are seeing from him when he is "nice" is the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. That cycle is a continuous one.

He does this to you also because he can and it works for him.

He's doing this so you back down and he can continue to constantly message his female friend, and you'll be too scared of losing him to complain.

I don't think you can see what's ahead of you. You have said you have been with him 3 years. Do you honestly think his reasoning will improve with age.?

Many posters on here can tell you it will not.
You are living with a dictator, a dictator whose power over you will increase over time.
With every boundary he crosses, so too will his sense of entitilement, and the more you question him about anything, the more he will up the anti of controlling you.

Many men like this will use this method for many years until you utterly have no voice at all except a compliant one.
One day you may stand up to this, expose him to others and his misdemeanors which there will be many if he continues to get his own way.

When his silent treatment no longer works he will progress to intimidation and possibly violence.

How do you think a dictatorship works?

Your future?.....
You will have to harden and fool yourself into believing you can cope with his tantrums and silent treatment.

It'll be OK OP. It takes time to see people for who they really are sometimes. It is like an acorn and hopefully posting here is the start of your next chapter for you and your awareness will grow and grow until you realise that loving him isn't reason enough to stay.

Ah, so he's punishing you for challenging him?!

You're supposed to acquiesce & put up with his stonewalling & passive-aggressive crap?!

As others have said, this is abusive behaviour & he is trying to manipulate you.

I was in a similar relationship & didn't realise as it was so insidious. But awful none the less.

I think for now I will have to try and make us start talking again somehow. If I do leave I want to be in a position of power and get my ducks in a row. I know this behaviour needs addressing and it will be but I would like to think it’s more stubbornness than intentional emotional abuse...?

@jinglejangle11 this bit..

it’s more stubbornness than intentional emotional abuse...?

I started another thread as this is what I'm struggling with. It is dreadful and unacceptable ..but Is it stubbornness or intentional.
Intentional makes his behaviours unacceptable..stubbornness makes it hard because it's probably difficult for him to address and this is his way of dealing with it. Personally whichever it is, it's damaging and unhealthy for both parties.

@Ntwa I know exactly what you mean. It’s very easy to jump to labelling it emotional abuse but, although I believe it’s a little manipulative, I do think this is more of a character trait of stubbornness rather than intentional emotional abuse to turn me into a quivering wreck. I really don’t think he’s that spiteful, he just believes what he believes. And like I say when he snaps out of it he does start to see things from both sides, it’s almost like he goes straight into defensive mode. We have since spoken a bit more and he seems to be coming round. When we both get home from work I will make it clear we need to communicate better about our issues as I do recognise this is damaging and unhealthy. I am not completely blameless because sometimes I may not deliver issues in the right way sometimes which gets his back up straight away. I do appreciate everyone’s replies so thanks for being there for me. I am hoping tonight will be back to normal fingers crossed.

@Jinglejangle11

I would like to think it’s more stubbornness than intentional emotional abuse...?

Of course you would, we all would, but it is intentional!

It is designed to make you reluctant to raise issues you think he might disagree on FFS !

It is designed to make you prioritize his needs/ wants/ ideas above your own !

It is designed to make you doubt yourself, your values/ beliefs.

It is designed to make you so desperate to get things 'back to normal' that you'll do anything.

It is designed to shut you up!

It is designed to keep you 'off balance' and unsure if you're in a secure relationship.

It is designed to ensure he has the power in the relationship

It is ALL done with a purpose!

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse too is not just physical in nature.

Please do not make excuses for him nor blame your own self for his actions. You certainly did not drive him into abusing you like you have been. This is all on him. Have a look at his parents relationship too; what is that like?. Pound to a penny his own father or mother act like this; he saw this in childhood and he has learnt that this works for him. Abuse too is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This man wants absolute here. This type of behaviour you describe from him is insidious in its onset and can creep up on people like you unawares.

What you need to realise is that this is who he really is; he is not going to change. You have a choice still here re him. He has a choice when it comes to you as well; he can choose not to abuse you but he still does it. Talking to him about this is about an effective an action long term as peeing in the ocean. He cannot maintain that act because that is what he has really shown you, its an act he cannot maintain.

Women too are not rehab centres for such badly raised men. Do not be his rehab centre.

This all makes me wonder as well what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

@AttilaTheMeerkat wherever he has picked this up from it’s not his parents. And I also haven’t witnessed this with my own parents. I agree he doesn’t deal with things very well. But I still think this is his way of dealing things rather than what you have said. I have a friend who doesn’t talk to her husband as for up to 2 weeks if he upsets her. Unhealthy yes. But that’s just her way of dealing with things.