Trust has gone...

[Manda2725]

Hi all, I need some advice. Just ended my relationship with my soul mate. He's everything I ever wanted but the trust has gone. 2 months ago I found a few flirty messages to a girl on his phone who I never knew about. They've been chatting on and off for 15 years but he never mentioned her to me untill I saw a flirty ent from her on his fb wall.
The last message I saw to her was him telling her he has a girlfriend (I.e me,). She replies with "can't you stay single for 5 minutes so we can meet without me having to be worried about jealous girlfriends" to which he replies "why do you want to bounce around with me a bit 😈😜".... Every message after that had been deleted.
I also saw she's tried calling him at 2am facetiming and they play on the ps4 gaming together. She lives abroad. He was devestated when found out and said its just" banter". Since then I have been constantly digging for more lies and deceit.
We currently live long distance but we're planning to move in together, he even met my kids 😢.

I gave him another chance but he keeps lying all the time... For example he has an ex that wanted him to collect a few belongings of his from hers recently. I asked him if he'd had any contact with her at all. He said no honestly I haven't. Then I said oh OK, when are you getting ur stuff then. He then said, oh I've already got it. So after alot of arguing I found that he had text her 10 days ago, gone round there and collected his stuff, but none of the messages to her or from her exist anymore. He apparently delete the out if respect for me lol. And he said he forgot he had gone round there which is why he said he'd had no contact and thought I meant in the regularly talking sense.
I feel like he's constantly bullshitting me. He has an ex he's mates with that he meets for coffee and they chat regular, an ex he goes for walks with an ex he shares a dog with.
I feel like I've really had enough of mentally keeping up with this all, but he love bombs me. He says he wants marriage, I'm his only one, he's my soul mate, they are just friends, I'm paranoid etc.... And that he would move hundreds of miles to be with me tomorrow if I asked him too.
He's on twitter, insta, fb, WhatsApp and god knows what other social media so it wouldn't be hard to cheat even being with me where I live.
I feel like the above is all too much but I'm 40, I've been alone for 10 years and we connect on every level. Would you give him another chance?? Oh and he also wants a child

You are 💯 right not to trust him and I am a stranger on a forum to you.
He lies, keeps in contact with women he knows fancies him, he likes the attention and only you is not good enough and I expect no one else seriously wants this philandering idiot so he's promising you half heartedly the world. Don't marry him or have his child, his dickish behaviour would only get worse. Glad you dumped him and don't look back.

His actions don't match his words. Dump.

OP I’m sure your gut is telling you it needs to end and that’s why you’re on here. I know you’ve been lonely etc but are you truly willing to risk this happening in the future? Ask yourself why he would delete the messages if they weren’t questionable. I think you already know the answer yourself x

Reading my own post I can see I shouldn't doubt my gut instincts.... But he's so good at making me feel like I have trust issues. He says he's allowed to be friends with girls i.e the exes, but even one of the exes he spoke on the phone to for 2 hours not long ago about her issues with her husband.... He meets up with her all the time. When he came down to visit me he was sending her pics of us two together unbeknown to me and even a short clip of me and my daughter baking together... Which I found weird. He had also sent a pic of me to the girl abroad saying this is my girlfriend, she's the one, before the flirty messages that proceeded. He keeps saying I've deleted everyone off my fb for you, (I've no idea if that's true or not as I don't have access) I've been keeping myself to myself, then I find out he's popped to his exes mid pandemic. But he said "if I didn't go over my stuff would have gone in the bin".... But he contacted her so that doesn't add up. Then he saud "the shoes I want to marry you in were in that bag" I love you, I'd fo anything for you.... You're my one

I'm glad you think all these exes being his friends is odd.... He makes out its just mates and I have jealousy issues. He had to do a covid swab the other day at home. One ex is a nurse and he was going to call her round to watch if he does it correctly.... I went mad and said really are you bloody joking. He didn't understand at all why I was pissed off.

He's saying what he thinks you want to hear. He doesn't mean it, or he would treat you with respect.

I agree.... He's so good at gas lighting Mr. He makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I've always been okay on my own, then I met him. He got all my hopes up and we had so many plans then it all came tumbling down. Now for the first time in my life I feel lonely and scared I will spend another 10 years alone. I want a proper relationship now, I'm so disappointed

oh fuck that op, you’re finding it hard as you want the nice things he saying to you. if you stay, it will just be more head fuckery.

I feel like he's constantly bullshitting me.

That'll be because he is.

Mate, he just sounds like a prick.

A lying, cringeworthy prick.

He LOVES you "getting jealous" because he can moan about you to the other women he chats to.

Boring as fuck. Imagine the rest of your life with someone who makes you second guess yourself...

Do yourself a favour and be the one to end it.

Pretend a friend of yours wrote your post. Would you tell her to give that lying sack of shit another chance? I certainly hope not. If there is no trust, the relationship is doomed, and yours has been doomed from the start.

Don't be foolish enough to stay with this man.

Thank you I agree with you all... Sorry I don't know how to tag individual people or anything. I'm rubbish with technology.
I'm so disappointed.... As soon as I started funding out how many exes he's still mates with, hangs out with, calls etc I found the whole thing stressful. But I tried to be cool about it... Now it's just too much. I even stalked his fb one night and found him posting hearts on his first loves business page - (she creates soft toys) they aren't even friends, and havent spoken in years. So seemed like he was trying to reach out to me...though he said different. That was 2 days after we had spent the weekend together. As soon as I felt the need to fb stalk him I ended it but he hasn't left me alone since.

@Manda2725

Thank you I agree with you all... Sorry I don't know how to tag individual people or anything. I'm rubbish with technology. I'm so disappointed.... As soon as I started funding out how many exes he's still mates with, hangs out with, calls etc I found the whole thing stressful. But I tried to be cool about it... Now it's just too much. I even stalked his fb one night and found him posting hearts on his first loves business page - (she creates soft toys) they aren't even friends, and havent spoken in years. So seemed like he was trying to reach out to me...though he said different. That was 2 days after we had spent the weekend together. As soon as I felt the need to fb stalk him I ended it but he hasn't left me alone since.

Block him. On everything. Don't give him away of making you one of his harem of adoring exes! Block on EVERYTHING. Do that tonight and it's all over by morning

I'll block him 100%... I have a horrible feeling he will try and love bomb me on valentines day through the post or turn up at the hotel I work in when the pandemic is over.... He's relentless with wanting to have me but is the shadiest shadester I've ever met in my entire life

I just feel like I want him gone now forever... I've had enough. He's made me so anxious and depressed

The worst thing is I've been alone for 10 years bevause my children's father cheated on me when I was 6 months pregnant with our second child. I'd just got the courage to date again and look what I bloody get 😢

What you wrote reads like he , likes to enjoy many intrigues and have open relationships

OP so sorry to hear. I've got DP like that and struggle to escape. Attention seeking, compulsive liar - I've seen it all. He would love bomb me on every occasion too. I have dumped him 3 or 4 times already- the last one he came back with a proposal ring .. I reluctantly accepted as it was easier that way to keep him calm and relaxed, than vengeful and obsessed. He is meant to be a 'soulmate' or he tells me I am his soulmate, I am long done believing his shit. I think I suffer of codependency with him, and he's got narcissistic symptoms, that's why we 'match' so well together. But really, don't make a mistake like mine, and get rid before you got too attached.

It does... I feel the same. Though he would say "you're my soul mate, I've never felt about anyone like I do you, the universe put us together" "marry me" etc etc x

:13oreo2020

OP so sorry to hear. I've got DP like that and struggle to escape. Attention seeking, compulsive liar - I've seen it all. He would love bomb me on every occasion too. I have dumped him 3 or 4 times already- the last one he came back with a proposal ring .. I reluctantly accepted as it was easier that way to keep him calm and relaxed, than vengeful and obsessed. He is meant to be a 'soulmate' or he tells me I am his soulmate, I am long done believing his shit. I think I suffer of codependency with him, and he's got narcissistic symptoms, that's why we 'match' so well together. But really, don't make a mistake like mine, and get rid before you got too attached.

Sounds so much like my relationship.... I feel anxious that he's going to turn up on his knees with a ring crying, sobbing like he does to make me feel guilty. My heart is too big. I just want to cut him off completely and know he won't randomly turn up... Its a nightmare. I've never been love bombed before. It's worse than rejection. At least I can understand that

I’m sorry OP but yes I agree with others this guy is a liar and looking for opportunities to shag around
You sound lovely and deserve much better than he could ever give you

OP He's a little bit werrrr, a little bit weyyyyyy, a little bit arrrrgggh. He's a geezer.

Does he tap his nose a lot and say he's going to see a man about a dog?

Some people just can't communicate like adults and always have to have something going on. They live in a web of lies and they get off on "getting one over on the missus" which is a little waaayyyyy and a little bit werrrrr.

Tell him to look in the mirror if he wants a kid and find someone who cares about you.

I agree with you all... He is so dodgy. It drives me insane. Just got to find a way out now.... Its hard when you love someone, and they won't give up on you. I want him to walk away. I'm literally fighting to get him too and saying I don't want this anymore. Then he's in tears, making me feel guilty and pulling on my heart strings, swearing his innocence.
God help me lol

It is hard, but stay strong, you are doing the right thing. And now you are “back in the game” as it were, you never know, you might meet somebody genuinely lovely quite soon.

And this man is not your soulmate. You sound like you have a lovely soul - he certainly doesn’t!

And “shadiest shadester” is a fucking brilliant phrase by the way. I intend to start using it loads in conversation.

It's hard when you love someone, and they won't give up on you

Would it help to remember that he's probably using exactly the same words to others too, and even giggling with his mates over the "best lines" for reeling 'em in?
This script is rarely "meant" - doubtless he considers himself very clever while it works, but actually it's just pointless words to keep various options dangling on a hook

And why would you choose to be one of them?

14:42Lovelydiscusfish
Thank you. I have so much love to give, but i always find the wrong one. Shadiest shadester is what he is for sure 😂. Head fuckery is my new favourite 😂