Taking a break

[Mumtothethreeamigos]

Posted here a while ago about my bf saying he wants time out and needs a break. He won’t tell me how long but says he still loves me but doesn’t know if he’s ready for any relationship. He was widowed three years ago and when we started arguing he says it’s opened a raw nerve. I have very bad anxiety and have lost a stone in three weeks with the nerves of not knowing what he will say after the break. I’ve begged for a decision and he just says he needs more time. He hadn’t told his kids it’s over which makes me think he is thinking things through. How long would you leave it and do you think it’s a fair reaction to some minor disagreements and misunderstandings? We were together a year before this break. I’m losing the plot and just feel sick.

I’m very sorry you’re going through this. There can be a break from seeing each other, for some breathing space without meaning you have broken up

Then there’s taking a break, meaning breaking up. Is this what he’s said? If so, please move on as it would seem he’s being a coward and syringing you along without actually being firm to say it’s over. Take back control and your self respect. tell him either you’re together or not.

Tell him to take a fuck to himself. Don't hang around making yourself unwell while he pulls the strings and does what he wants. God that's toxic.

Sorry to hear you're not coping well, there is no closure from him which is keeping holding on with hope. I think you need to let go of him, accept that he can't give you a relationship, I wouldn't contact him again as this is obviously pushing him away further, if over time he misses you he might come back but you have to ask yourself, is that really good enough for you?

You deserve to be someone who wants you just as much, so for now close it down in your mind, find happiness in being single, date others if you think it might help you get over him, whatever you need to do, don't let him hold you back.

He said he still loves me and just needs time. I just feel he’s punishing me or keeping me dangling but he has promised that isn’t the case. I feel in turmoil and one day think, fuck this, the next, I love him and want it to work. I did some silly things and pushed him away a bit (I’m quiet insecure about abandonment due to childhood issues) I’ve explained this and apologised for my silly comments about being glad I’m divorced as I can do what I like etc etc i didn’t cheat, I didn’t tell him i didn’t want him, I didn’t insult him or hurt him on purpose. Just asked for some more commitment eg would he ever want to get married. When he said he wasn’t ready to think about this I said he only wanted me as a girlfriend and we should therefore ‘date’ rather than me spending every free moment with him and his children. I don’t know. Maybe I was a bitch or sulking. I’m so so confused now about who is in the wrong. It’s making me ill and I’m struggling to function due to the anxiety. He knows this. I just think it’s cruel. I wouldn’t knowingly hurt him.

Thank you for your messages. My friends have all said the same. It’s hard as they will take my side so it’s useful to have some impartial comments from people who don’t know either of us

This is my worst nightmare as I'm not good at walking away and putting my future first.
It sounds like it's the end, even if he comes back he obviously is not that into you, I'm sorry, I've been there, we all probably have at some point, then you meet someone else (not easy at the moment) and move on.

I'd say that you should walk away now. Because there will always be the threat of next time.

And I bet you are doing way way more for him and his kids than you should..... He's training you up, maybe not intentionally.

Agreed.

I couldn't tolerate this and I definitely wouldn't wait around for anyone, it would make me ill too. I think you need to ask for a final decision and if he cannot commit to you end it xx

I will. Xx

Thinking of you. Good luck xx

I’ve asked him to meet me for a walk and a chat this weekend and said we need to sort this out. It can’t go on indefinitely. It’s all I can do at this point 🤷🏻‍♀️ If he won’t then it’s time to let go.

Have you had a Google at advice on how to get Yr man back. Give him loads of space don't contact him. That way you'll get a better idea of what's happening.
Even if you don't feel it be the string one, it's really empowering and takes the control from him.
Meanwhile contact friends for a chat and keep busy. I know it's hard in lockdown.
Do you think you were perhaps too needy. It maybe less about arguments and more about Yr demands.
I needed a break from my relationship and when I truly got it I was back within a week. Why because I realised that my DP would be OK without me as he stepped back.
So just try and be cool with it and he will be coming back much quicker than you think. If he doesn't it wasn't going to work anyway
Don't let him dictate just say you are fine with it but in Yr own mind give it a cut off and think about how long you can wait. Having been in the situation myself I would say two weeks.
I've done this before in another relationship I didn't contact my BF after an arguement and he was back within days wanting us to make up.

I agree it's hard being strung along but give him the space he has asked for.
I think you potentially scared him off with marriage talk!

Yeah agreed. When I suggested a walk and chat he said let’s sleep on it. That was two days ago. It’s been over a month though and I’m beginning to doubt the relationship. I don’t feel I will ever trust him to not do this again. He did for a few days twice before when we disagreed. I completely agree with getting the control back. I just need to let him be. Now I’m thinking is he even right for me if he needs so long to think. He clearly isn’t over his grief (of course) and has a lot to sort out. I’m in a place in my life where I’m ready to build a future with someone. A real future. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's over, op. Stop with all the pleading and begging. This relationship is done. Move on and stop wasting time.

I am so sorry OP, reading your post you have mentioned your anxieties and wanting commitment from him. He clearly isn't ready and I think he is just trying to let you down quietly. He didn't even commit to the walk. I would let this go now. I think its over. Just the wrong timing. He isn't ready yet to move forward with anyone. Grief can take many years to come to terms with and I just dont think its the right relationship for both of you at present. I know you have abandonment issues and this will only be triggered with your partner if you continue. Let it go and grieve in your own time for the lost relationship.

Yeah I’ve worked this out and am feeling loads better. The relationship wasn’t right and I’m ready to move on. Whatever he is doing he isn’t ready to commit and I’m not up for game playing whatever the motive. I’m not contacting him again. Thanks all.

😂 there’s been no pleading or begging ! I asked him for a walk to sort it out one way or another. Not to beg for a relationship. I just don’t like being strung along

Glad you're feeling better, in situations like this you have to take back the control and live your life not waiting on them.

I think you are 100% doing the right thing xx

Just from reading what you have said. The minute you raise an issue he punishes you for having wants and needs. He then withdraws in the expectation that you will make your needs small and be so grateful to have him back that whatever issue you have brought up gets forgotten. It's awful

Completely agree with you. It’s passive aggressive bullying

How are you op x