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Original poster

Why won't get divorce his ex?

58 replies

SunSet1981 · 25/01/2021 19:46

I met my partner two years ago. He told me him and his ex split up four years prior and don't have a good relationship as she cheated on him and moved her boyfriend in 2 months after he left. He said they'd both been unhappy before her affair for a number of years so what happened was kind of a blessing.
He told me she was not pushing the divorce as she wanted money from him. He has had a hard few years with his business and declared bankruptcy at the start of last year.
He pays her child support, which I believe is far too much, as especially now with the bankruptcy however, they are his children and I don't interfere. His ex claims all the benefits she can; gets a rent cheque for her home, child maintenance, reduced council tax, free school dinners, allowances to help with purchasing school clothing, etc, even though her boyfriend lives with her full time (illegally) and has a decent job.
My partner used to take his children 3/4 nights a week as she was 'busy', even though he works long hours and struggled to collect them from school and took them the majority of weekends, until I told him I was unhappy about the days he was taking them due to it suiting his ex's life. His elderly parents would sometimes collect them from school but due to the lock down last year, they were concerned about catching covid from the children and decided to stop collecting them and watching them so often. He now takes them every other Friday and Saturday and they are dropped off home on a Sunday night. Everyone seems now to be used to this situation. However, anytime I mention him pushing the divorce, he says he is 'on it' but he doesn't seem to be doing anything about it.
I asked if she has anything on him, which he claims she doesn't so I do not understand why he is prolonging this process.
I do not live with him but we see him every day and I stay over a few nights a week.

I need advice. I do not want to be with a married man and he knows I want to get married. He tells me I am the love of his life so what do I do?

OP posts:
CakeRequired · 25/01/2021 19:51

until I told him I was unhappy about the days he was taking them due to it suiting his ex's life

You are not suited for him, leave him. Based on that alone.

His kids come first, not you. You are not more important than them. Do not try to be. It's his issue if his ex walks all over him, but don't try to say he should have them less to suit you. That's not on.

Being with a guy with kids doesn't suit you, and that's fine. It wouldn't suit me either, I don't want to be a step mum. But admit that and go find a guy without commitments.

Penistoe · 25/01/2021 19:51

He had his children 50% of the time, not because his wife wanted to dump the children on him. Then you complained so he stopped.

You sound awful op!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2021 19:51

I do not want to be with a married man and he knows I want to get married

Well, you are, and given he's married, a wedding will not be happening anytime soon.

He tells me I am the love of his life so what do I do?

Actions speak louder than words.

The bottom line is that if you claim to have standards, then live by them. You are shagging a married man who has zero immediate intentions of divorcing his wife. Why are you wasting your time like this?

PicsInRed · 25/01/2021 19:52

He's pulling your leg so hard I'm surprised it's still attached.

until I told him I was unhappy about the days he was taking them due to it suiting his ex's life

Disgraceful.

Pippa234 · 25/01/2021 19:53

Yeh I have to agree OP you don't make yourself sound great...
They are his kids he shouldn't have stopped having them because you said so.

Teardrop2021 · 25/01/2021 19:53

You sound vile about the maintenance out of interest how much is he paying and how many dc. You had no right to reduce contact. Heaven forbid a father collects their dc from school Hmm

ncsad · 25/01/2021 19:55

Why shouldn't he be paying child maintenance?

BlueSussex · 25/01/2021 19:56

You sound incredibly bitter about this man's wife and children. I think it would be better for everyone if you called it a day.

Original poster
SunSet1981 · 25/01/2021 19:57

And BTW, I never stated, I didn't say to him to stop taking his children, I saud he should have fixed days so his children would have more consistency and we could do things with them, swimming lessons and other things. I didn't care that he had them 4 days a week. I like his children. So please don't think I was tellig him not to see them. I get on well with them and they are always texting and calling me even when my partner and I aren't together.

OP posts:
SnowFields · 25/01/2021 19:58

I don’t think you sound suited to his life. He already has children and they really should be a priority. Neither of you are looking good in this.

2typesofjungle · 25/01/2021 20:00

I'm pretty sure he'd be better off without you.

Teardrop2021 · 25/01/2021 20:01

Thats not what you said op so don't change the story to suit. You're a disgrace.

Original poster
SunSet1981 · 25/01/2021 20:02

I didn't say that. He pays £200 a week for his two children and he struggles to pay his own bills. As I said in the post, I have not said anything about the amount he pays.

OP posts:
MadameButterface · 25/01/2021 20:02

agree with the others. it's not your place to dictate his contact with his dc. his ex's living arrangements are none of your concern. you can't control what other people do, you can only control what you do. if you don't want to be with a married man, then you need to leave him because he is married. dredging up all sorts to make his (actually not an ex) wife look like the wicked witch of the west is neither here nor there.

Original poster
SunSet1981 · 25/01/2021 20:04

"My partner used to take his children 3/4 nights a week as she was 'busy', even though he works long hours and struggled to collect them from school and took them the majority of weekends, until I told him I was unhappy about the days he was taking them due to it suiting his ex's life"

OP posts:
FoxyTheFox · 25/01/2021 20:04

It sounds like he was doing well with the children in terms of contact and maintenance until you stuck your oar in about it being too much time. If you are resentful of the commitment he has to his children then there isn't really a future here is there? The children and, to a lesser degree, his ex will always be a part of his life.

Pebbledashery · 25/01/2021 20:07

OP.. I don't think it's your place to tell him when to have his children. Set days or not. It's between his ex and him. His kids always come first. Plenty of blokes who don't even bother seeing their kids or paying maintenance. His kids are lucky to have a dad who still puts them first. You risk ruining your relationship by being like this.

MadameButterface · 25/01/2021 20:07

he had his dc roughly 50/50, now it's 4 days a month. what changed in between? you saw your arse, that's what. of course he should be paying child support, he sees his dc the absolute bare minimum. it's a shame you're unsuited to being a step mum as you do sound like quite the matched pair.

Eviebeans · 25/01/2021 20:07

Sadly you sound bitter about his children/jealous of his wife and he sounds weak for letting you persuade him to see less of his kids.

SnowFields · 25/01/2021 20:09

@SunSet1981

I didn't say that. He pays £200 a week for his two children and he struggles to pay his own bills. As I said in the post, I have not said anything about the amount he pays.
How own bills aren’t looked at or a priority in calculating maintenance. It’s quite possible for someone without children to have huge bills thar far exceed their income and unfortunately some people wouldn’t be trustworthy not to do that if bills were considered.
Original poster
SunSet1981 · 25/01/2021 20:09

I don't get all the hate on here. If you have children, I agree both parents have a right to raise the children together and contribute to their upbringing. I don't have any issues towards his ex. We get on. Don't you think consistency in a child's life is better for both parents? Having them on set days so you can plan your life around your children? As I said before, I didn't tell him to only have them every other weekend, that was his idea and choice.

OP posts:
EggBobbin · 25/01/2021 20:13

Why on earth shouldn’t she ‘claim all the benefits she can’ ?!

BlueThistles · 25/01/2021 20:16

If he's bankrupt .. now's the best time to divorce surely ?

Teardrop2021 · 25/01/2021 20:20

£200 quid a month is pittance for 2 children that is 100 quid each a month,which is 25 quid a week divide that by 7 is roughly £3 quid a day per child. You still thinking hes paying too much? You clearly bashed the woman for claiming benefits to top up her income and think you're dp pays too much maintenance.

CakeRequired · 25/01/2021 20:21

You don't sound like you get on. Your posts now from your original are in complete contrast. You're lying somewhere, where us it?