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Original poster

Why won't get divorce his ex?

58 replies

SunSet1981 · 25/01/2021 19:46

I met my partner two years ago. He told me him and his ex split up four years prior and don't have a good relationship as she cheated on him and moved her boyfriend in 2 months after he left. He said they'd both been unhappy before her affair for a number of years so what happened was kind of a blessing.
He told me she was not pushing the divorce as she wanted money from him. He has had a hard few years with his business and declared bankruptcy at the start of last year.
He pays her child support, which I believe is far too much, as especially now with the bankruptcy however, they are his children and I don't interfere. His ex claims all the benefits she can; gets a rent cheque for her home, child maintenance, reduced council tax, free school dinners, allowances to help with purchasing school clothing, etc, even though her boyfriend lives with her full time (illegally) and has a decent job.
My partner used to take his children 3/4 nights a week as she was 'busy', even though he works long hours and struggled to collect them from school and took them the majority of weekends, until I told him I was unhappy about the days he was taking them due to it suiting his ex's life. His elderly parents would sometimes collect them from school but due to the lock down last year, they were concerned about catching covid from the children and decided to stop collecting them and watching them so often. He now takes them every other Friday and Saturday and they are dropped off home on a Sunday night. Everyone seems now to be used to this situation. However, anytime I mention him pushing the divorce, he says he is 'on it' but he doesn't seem to be doing anything about it.
I asked if she has anything on him, which he claims she doesn't so I do not understand why he is prolonging this process.
I do not live with him but we see him every day and I stay over a few nights a week.

I need advice. I do not want to be with a married man and he knows I want to get married. He tells me I am the love of his life so what do I do?

OP posts:
slashlover · 25/01/2021 20:23

@Teardrop2021

£200 quid a month is pittance for 2 children that is 100 quid each a month,which is 25 quid a week divide that by 7 is roughly £3 quid a day per child. You still thinking hes paying too much? You clearly bashed the woman for claiming benefits to top up her income and think you're dp pays too much maintenance.
He pays £200 a week for his two children and he struggles to pay his own bills.
Teardrop2021 · 25/01/2021 20:25

He pays her child support, which I believe is far too much, as especially now with the bankruptcy however, they are his children and I don't interfere. His ex claims all the benefits she can; gets a rent cheque for her home, child maintenance, reduced council tax, free school dinners, allowances to help with purchasing school clothing, etc, even though her boyfriend lives with her full time (illegally) and has a decent job.

Utterly vile spiteful comments directed towards the mother. How dare you say he pays too much its penny's.

My partner used to take his children 3/4 nights a week as she was 'busy', even though he works long hours and struggled to collect them from school and took them the majority of weekends, until I told him I was unhappy about the days he was taking them due to it suiting his ex's life. His elderly parents would sometimes collect them from school but due to the lock down last year, they were concerned about catching covid from the children and decided to stop collecting them and watching them so often. He now takes them every other Friday and Saturday and they are dropped off home on a Sunday night you put a stop to this are you pleased with yourself.

Teardrop2021 · 25/01/2021 20:27

slashlover I doubt someone who has declared bankruptcy is paying 800 quid a month maintenance.

VinterKvinna · 25/01/2021 20:29

@Teardrop2021

£200 quid a month is pittance for 2 children that is 100 quid each a month,which is 25 quid a week divide that by 7 is roughly £3 quid a day per child. You still thinking hes paying too much? You clearly bashed the woman for claiming benefits to top up her income and think you're dp pays too much maintenance.
Isnt it £800 a month?

Op, you need to stay out of discussions regarding children and exs finances. You can only be supportive when he needs you.

Personally, if he wanted to marry you, he would be divorced by now

Pebbledashery · 25/01/2021 20:29

OP. Notwithstanding anything else except the children here.. Can you not see how your coming across?

Pebbledashery · 25/01/2021 20:30

You're*

RedMarauder · 25/01/2021 20:32

The reason he won't divorce is simply because he is not that into you.

Split up with him and find someone else who is single.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2021 20:33

Why would we know why he hasn’t got on with the divorce? He must have his reasons. I wonder why he’s not being honest with you?

I’m divorced and and remarried. Nothing would have stopped me getting on with legally ending it with my ex.

As you get on so well with his ex, why so angry at the benefits and financial help she’s getting? Why is her boyfriend in any way illegal?

kazzer2867 · 25/01/2021 21:07

@SunSet1981

I didn't say that. He pays £200 a week for his two children and he struggles to pay his own bills. As I said in the post, I have not said anything about the amount he pays.
Why would you say anything. You don't even live together. It's none of your business.
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/01/2021 21:14

Sorry OP, I also think it's not of your business. If he wanted to divorce her he would.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/01/2021 21:14

*none

Pippa234 · 25/01/2021 21:56

"I don't have any issues towards his ex. We get on."

If I found out someone I thought I got on with spoke of me how you have her I wouldn't be happy.

jimmyjammy001 · 25/01/2021 22:07

I'm sorry but you've decided and accepted to date a married man with children, these are the sorts of problems that you have signed up for and will just have to accept it, you can either leave or put up with the hassle that his previous life has brought to your relationship, you getting married will be second to whatever he wants, sorry to have to be so blunt.

Northofsomewhere · 25/01/2021 22:32

You don't even live together but you seem very involved in his finances and his spare time. If you don't have shared finances then what is it to do with you? And even if you do share finances in the future his children should be a priority, they shouldn't suffer just because as a couple you want a nicer holiday one year and therefore want to reduce maintenance. Their pre-split lifestyle should be maintained if possible - although clearly if he's gone bankrupt recently it may be a sign of reduced income on his part (or maybe not).

From the sounds of it he was doing his fair share of childcare before you ask/told him to do otherwise (not sure why he was so influenced by you but prob says a lot about him) and has now significantly reduced this. If him, his ex and the kids were all happy with the situation and it sounded like they were why did you feel the need to question it? He seems heavily influenced by your wants.

If you want to be married so much (to someone willing to significantly reduce contact on his partners suggestion) then you need to make it clear that you will leave if he doesn't start making and following through with plans then follow through yourself. Being married isn't important to me and if his only relationship with his ex is via the kids then I don't think it would worry me too much. However I don't think this is the right relationship for you, what if you break up in the future and reduces contact with your kids when his next partner arrives on the scene and wants more time with him.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 25/01/2021 22:32

All these ex wife's claiming every benifit under the sun illegally while their poor ex partners pay a fortune in maintenance and take the kids 50% of the time, because the children's mother can't be arsed. Bet she goes on countless holidays abroad, and has loads of nights out aswell eh?
Honestly where are all these women that get away with these things. I have never met one in real life!

You have basically convinced your partner not to see his children as much, which is a disgrace, and I'm not sure how it's any of your business how much maintenance he pays.

Dontlikeveg · 25/01/2021 22:34

@Teardrop2021

£200 quid a month is pittance for 2 children that is 100 quid each a month,which is 25 quid a week divide that by 7 is roughly £3 quid a day per child. You still thinking hes paying too much? You clearly bashed the woman for claiming benefits to top up her income and think you're dp pays too much maintenance.
He pays £200 per week not month.
Justanotherfaceinthecrowd · 25/01/2021 23:08

Wow. Think the is the most deluded, vile thread I have ever read.
He and his children deserve better.

HighSpecWhistle · 25/01/2021 23:17

So they used to share custody 50/50.

Now he sees them twice a fortnight because YOU weren't happy with the arrangement?

Well done - that's a great outcome for the kids 🙄

Sounds like he needs a clean break from you. You're too controlling over his relationship with his kids and that with his ex. You don't get to say how much he spends on his kids and how often he sees them. Who do you think you are?

Cocomarine · 25/01/2021 23:46

Just here for the backtracking 🤷🏻‍♀️

You wanted him to see his kids less - arsehole behaviour from you.

He agreed to see his kids less - arsehole behaviour from him.

Hard to muster any interest in advising you both 🙄

Indecisive12 · 25/01/2021 23:50

He sounds like a great Dad but he doesn’t sound that into you. Move on.

ChazP · 26/01/2021 07:19

He knows you want to get married. He knows once he’s divorced from her you’ll be expecting him to marry you. He knows how insistent you can be - he’s already been nagged into reducing the time he spends with his kids. He’s not divorcing her because he doesn’t want to marry you.

You sound obsessed with and jealous of his ex. You have successfully cut him out of his children’s day to day lives so they now only see him once every 2 weeks. Do him, his children and yourself a favour and end the relationship before any more harm to his relationship with his children is done.

ims0rrydarlingg · 26/01/2021 07:32

Lol @ thinking £200 is too much child maintenance for two children.

If you had children with this man would you be happy with just £200 a month? What if you were married and had two children but all your husband ever contributed towards the children was £100 each per month?

He was seeing his children 3/4 a week until you said you weren’t happy with it. You’ve changed your story saying how it was for their best interest but how can it be? 3/4 times a week to a weekend every other week. So they now see their dad less, because it didn’t suit you.

She isn’t his ex btw. Legally she is still his wife. If he had wanted to divorce her, he would.

Dontlikeveg · 26/01/2021 07:54

OP says he pays £200 per week not per month.

Catflapkitkat · 26/01/2021 08:07

You seem to know an awful lot about his ex's finances. And his for that matter. Are you some kind of forensic accountant?

Do yourself a favour - move on, find yourself a single man without kids. This set up isn't for you

Unicornamy · 26/01/2021 09:09

She said £200/week. Which is £800/month in total.
I don’t know how much else she gets with her salary, etc that makes the OP thinks she gets too much money.

No need telling the OP she’s vile and a disgrace. She came here for some kind of support- please let’s be nice.

OP, I’m not sure you should stick your nose into his family business as such as he’s not divorced and clearly wants to be a part of his children’s life. I won’t be happy if my STBX has a woman in his ear telling his what he should and shouldn’t be paying for me and my teenage kids.

Your post sounded like you were a bit salty. His wife’s living situation with a man (illegally) as you put it is also none of your business. I’m not divorced, but separated and I know my STBX has a GF in whatever country he’s in.

I think you need to ask yourself what you really want and if this relationship is going to give it to you. He’s been declared bankrupt and divorce costs money. If he’s not able to fully pay his bills as they fall due, then do you really imagine he’s got the money to pay for a divorce solicitor?
If you want to get married, then this probably isn’t the man for you, cos as far as I know he can’t get married to you while he’s still married to his current wife.

If you really have these issues you’ve enumerated with this man, why continue the relationship? Just have a good think and ask yourself if it’s time to move on.