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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Difficult situation

43 replies

Positivelysober · 25/01/2021 19:28

I will try and keep this short. I need to leave my husband. The are a few things I need to sort first. We rent and have been here ten years. He has no bank account. ( was made bankrupt about a decade before we met, hasnt had one since, was married before me and assume he used his ex wife's bank accounts as he does mine) he doesn't work and hasn't done for 3 years. Was made redundant, looked for a long time for a job then gave up - I was working full time so he became sahp. I've tried everything to get him to get a job. Nothing works, I've started my own business 2 years ago wich is doing well, he won't even come work with me ( whole other thread) in the heat of a row he said if we broke up he wouldn't be leaving the house as it's his home and has nowhere to go. Wich is right. He has no family whatsoever. ( they've passed away) and has friends but not a proper friend who'd help him out. We have children. I have my parents I could go to but they have an elderly relate living with them and has done for 8 years and there's only 1 spare room, so, even thought they'd take us in without thinking, it'd be very over crowded. But how can I leave? And how can I get him to leave - with literally no where to go or no way of funding himself. I'm trying to think of all the practical things but don't know how to deal with it as feel there's no way out.

OP posts:
Positivelysober · 25/01/2021 19:30

Just to clarify, I've also tried many things over the years to try and get him to sort out his financial situation and get himself a bank account. There's always a reason not to. Always a clever answer as to why not to do it.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/01/2021 19:36

Speak to a solicitor and get legal advice.

Make your children and yourself the number 1 priority now, not your soon to be ex husband.

He is an adult with agency. You’ve been enabling him to date and that only gives you a false sense of control. It has neither helped him or you.

HereIAmOnceAgain · 25/01/2021 19:50

How old are the kids? Does he do all their care? Separaing can be a bit problematic if he's a sahp with small kids. If he was a sahm he'd be told not to move out, to keep the kids in the family home and apply for child support and benefits while he gets back on his feet. He could end up with the kids staying with him more and a big chunk of whatever assets you have. If you can afford it I'd start by seeing a solicitor and seeing what the likely outcome of a split would be.

If he's not abusive you could separate under one roof as a first step. He might want to go back to work then and he could apply for benefits as a single unemployed person. You have to show fully separated though. No more joint bank account, own cooking and shopping, telling family and friends you've split. Living like uninvolved house mates. And he may apply for child support from you if he's doing the vast majority care and of other kid related organising like medical appointments etc.

Positivelysober · 25/01/2021 20:15

Ok yes I think I best see a solicitor. I actually have no control. He's very controlling and has to have everything his own way. The children are 2 teens and a 5 and 9 year old.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2021 20:18

And how can I get him to leave - with literally no where to go or no way of funding himself.

This isn't your problem. Given that you rent, when does your lease expire? You can refuse to renew it and then get your own place in your name only.

HelloThereMeHearties · 25/01/2021 20:20

Don't leave. It's your children's home.

Get to a solicitor ASAP. And good luck with what will, eventually, be a wonderful new start for you!

HelloThereMeHearties · 25/01/2021 20:21

Oh, I missed that you're renting.

Your husband may want to claim money from your business for his support. You need a solicitor urgently.

FactF1nd1ng582 · 25/01/2021 20:22

With some ID he should be able to open a bank account at the post office

Cattitudes · 25/01/2021 20:25

Will the children want to come with you? With the youngest being 5 he would still be expected to find a job even if he claims to be SAHP. It sounds as if he needs to find a new wife to sponge off. As pp says do not renew the lease, take yourself off it.

Positivelysober · 25/01/2021 20:31

It's September.
I get that it isn't my problem, just want to be able to have my children with me and keep and income coming into

OP posts:
Elieza · 25/01/2021 20:33

I’m sure I read somewhere that banks have to supply people with a basic bank account so they can get benefits etc even if they were previously bankrupt.

He won’t be the only one so I’m inclined to believe it. Don’t know if it’s all banks or if it’s one appointed by some government thing or something. But don’t worry about that side of things. He’ll soon get his finger out once he realises you’re off.

As someone else said. You need legal advice regarding the business and any claim he has on that.

Honestly I think I would move. A fresh start. Perhaps you should go on the women’s aid website and see if there is advice on there.

Don’t do anything to arouse his suspicions meanwhile. Keep schtum. Make sure you know where the documents you’ll need are, passports, birth certs, driving license, basically whatever you need. If he dissed you’re up to something he may hide them.

Elieza · 25/01/2021 20:34

Susses

BlueThistles · 25/01/2021 20:36

He can get a basic Bank Account now.. but that's his responsibility not yours OP ..

if he fights to keep the kids as the SAHP and stays in the family home .. then you will need pay him maintenance for them...

See a Solicitor asap 🌺

BlueThistles · 25/01/2021 20:38

and he must be Discharged from Bankruptcy by now is it was 10 years ago 🤔 he'll be debt clear and can apply for credit too 🌺

Positivelysober · 25/01/2021 20:39

@Cattitudes the plan was he was going to get a job when the youngest went to reception, then he found every excuse to wait until he went to year 1 wich he's in now, but he also had a rotator cuff injury and used that as a reason for a long , even after it healed, saying he can't do this that or the other because of his shoulder. He will find any reason you like not to. Yes the children will want to be with me. @FactF1nd1ng582 thank you that's good to know.

Will try and sort seeing a solicitor / speaking to one

OP posts:
Positivelysober · 25/01/2021 20:44

@BlueThistles this is what I've been telling him - I have a friend who is an accountant and has said pretty much what you have. @Elieza I keep going on the the women's aid page to try and use the live chat facility but it's constantly busy. I can't call them because apart from when I'm at work, I'm at home and he's always here. I can't drive so don't have a car I can go sit in or between customers. I literally have no space from him to be able to talk to anyone in private , but might set up a new email so they can reply to me if I email them.
Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 25/01/2021 21:07

He's lying to you to prevent him having to partake in any adult responsibilities ... He is another Child in your home 🌺

Stop his access to your Bank Account immediately.. force him to getting his own account ... he will use every excuse under the sky .. food for the kids etc.. stand firm .. stop Mothering him 🌺

BlueThistles · 25/01/2021 21:08

Definitely set up an email that is only on your password protected phone 🌺

Positivelysober · 25/01/2021 21:29

@BlueThistles thank you 🙂 it is like having another child - one that has tantrums and throws his toys out the pram most of the time. Appreciate the help

OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 25/01/2021 22:02

I would open a new bank account and have my salary paid into that. Then tell him you want a divorce and you are now officially separated and live separately in the house as PP mentioned. At this point your stbex should be making a contribution to costs in the house too, so he'd best be getting an account asap. It may prove impossible to get him out of the house though, and giving notice in September your only way out. Speak to a solicitor about this, if you can give notice and when and how. Good idea to go to the solicitor meeting with a list of questions and details of your financial situation, income, expenses, assets, debts, pensions etc. As you are self employed there are probably ways to limit your liabilities to stbex there too. I do think you have the power in this situation, usually its the hapless sahp who cant pay rent and not a cent in her name to even get legal advice - and everyone says to her 'get a job'. You can be as nice about it as you feel inclined.

Cattitudes · 25/01/2021 22:08

If the teens opt to stay with you then it would only be maintenance for the younger two and increasingly courts award 50:50.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/01/2021 22:46

You definitely need to cut this grifter off from access to your money, without question. Open a private account as soon as humanly possible.

Elieza · 26/01/2021 10:10

Unlike a pp suggested, I don’t know if I’d tell him anything in advance about my plans. He may turn violent. That was my experience.

The next time I decided to leave him, I did it when he went out, just took what I needed and ran. He didn’t expect it. He therefore couldn’t try and kill me. I was away to safety.

We communicated by phone after that and I never saw him again. I didn’t go back to get stuff. I’d send someone to collect your stuff if I were you. Don’t go back alone for sure. He may attack and even kill you so you can’t take his kids away.

That’s why I’d suggest not keeping the house. Let him keep it. It will be easier for you to do the required work to get somewhere. He will do nothing and you’ll never get him out.

Much better to out plans in place. Start looking and see what’s available. What the local authority or housing association position is in your area etc.

Can you go stay with family for a short time?

Positivelysober · 26/01/2021 12:45

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo I have thought about opening another account myself to do this, its hard to keep him away from the bank accounts - personal and business as he keeps track on line of things. WI'll define write a list of questions to ask.@Aquamarine1029 I will do as soon as I get some time in between work and home schooling. Ilhe is actually going to be out the house on Monday for about 3 hours wich is a miracle - he has a follow up hospital appointment so I will be able to do a few things while he is out then.@Elieza is is controlling and can be manipulative to get his own way on things/ things done the way he wants them but he isn't violent - I could go to my parents for no more than a few days as elderly relative lives there with them and with me and 4 children it'd be very over crowded

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 26/01/2021 12:49

Change the passwords PRONTO